My Story. Need Advice | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

jack2023
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My Story. Need Advice Jul 3, 2023 13:23:32 GMT via mobile

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Post by jack2023 on Jul 3, 2023 13:23:32 GMT

New here. Will try to make this as concise as possible.

Just ended an 18 year relationship with a DA/Covert Narcissist.
She started working at my company almost 20 years ago. My marriage was in trouble. She befriended my family. Her and her 2 young daughters started hanging out at our house. She let it be known she was interested in me. She was young and sexy. She stole me right out from under my ex wife’s nose. No remorse.

I got divorced. We embarked on a long relationship. But could never get emotionally close to her. At first she love bombed me but then it stopped. Big wall. The sex abated, and we settled into a detached, mostly emotionless relationship. Always held me at arms length, rarely complimented me.

While this was happening, she started moving up the ladder at my company. She’s very good at her job. I now believe she slept with me to advance her career. She has few friends, No deep connections. All superficial. She has a superiority complex.

I finally got the courage to end it 3 months ago. She let me go oh so easily. Feel like I was used. But I still think about her constantly. Now I want to hurt her like she hurt me, but I know that’s not helpful. I wanted to get truly close to her, but she never allowed it.

I think it may go back to her childhood. Her father got divorced and forced her to move in with new step sisters. She claims she was treated like a second class citizen. She’s been mad at her father ever since. They barely talk. Seems like daddy issues. I also think she may be a sexual abuse victim.

Any advice/input would be greatly appreciated. I’m new at this, and hurting.

Last Edit: Jul 3, 2023 14:06:05 GMT by jack2023

introvert
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My Story. Need Advice Jul 3, 2023 15:28:34 GMT via mobile jack2023 likes this

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Post by introvert on Jul 3, 2023 15:28:34 GMT

So you ended a shitty relationship that you began when still married in a shitty relationship?

This isn't about her as much as it's about you and how you navigate relarionships. Take a look at the attachment style that might best fit you. Good luck!

Last Edit: Jul 3, 2023 15:28:48 GMT by introvert

alexandra
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My Story. Need Advice Jul 3, 2023 16:02:17 GMT via mobile jack2023 likes this

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Post by alexandra on Jul 3, 2023 16:02:17 GMT

Good for you for leaving! Now that you've done so, you should reassess how you're telling yourself your story.

You wanted to get close to her but say you never could. This isn't true: you did get close to her and found that she just had nothing to offer others emotionally.

Your story focuses on her her her, her problems and trauma and agendas, where are you in this? Why are you not the focus of your own story, especially after you've broken up and no longer owe her anything?

Are you getting therapy? If she's got a clinical personality disorder and you were with her for 20 years, then you've undoubtedly gone through a lot of trauma throughout the relationship and need to detangle that with someone, preferably a professional. (Just because someone has an avoidant attachment style does not mean they have a personality disorder, though her lack of empathy would indicate this isn't an attachment style problem.) People with NPD are abusers, so you've likely been left in a fog that requires healing. There are a bunch of steps involved though, mourning the relationship, healing, and then going further back to see why you stuck around a so long and even stepped out on another marriage to do it. Much in the way you analyzed her childhood, there's probably a lot to look at in yours as well after the initial work recovering from the relationship. No one deserves to be abused, and her treatment of you isn't your fault even though staying with her was your choice, but there tend to be reasons people stay and contribute to a dynamic they're deeply unhappy with. Relationship dynamics aren't one-sided and tend to be reflections either partner can learn from individually, if they are open, curious, and willing.

Last Edit: Jul 3, 2023 16:05:51 GMT by alexandra

jack2023
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Posts: 2

My Story. Need Advice Jul 3, 2023 16:32:28 GMT via mobile

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Post by jack2023 on Jul 3, 2023 16:32:28 GMT

Thanks to you both for your input.
Yes, I am in therapy trying to untangle this mess.
Apparently I lean towards anxious attachment.
She is most likely a DA/covert narcissist. And yes, she likely has a major personality disorder. My therapist referred to her as a sociopath.

I do recognize that most if not all of this is due to me, not her.
I just can’t believe I wasted so much time. It’s like a fog.

It’s embarrassing to say, but I fell for girl who used her sexuality to hook me. Then I tried to make a silk purse out of a sows ear.
That never works.

I also have thought OCD, so I constantly replay everything in my mind.
I fear this is going to be a very long road back. I need to fully own my participation in this.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Last Edit: Jul 3, 2023 16:35:21 GMT by jack2023

tnr9
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My Story. Need Advice Jul 3, 2023 18:12:26 GMT jack2023 likes this

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Post by tnr9 on Jul 3, 2023 18:12:26 GMT

Jul 3, 2023 16:32:28 GMT jack2023 said:

Thanks to you both for your input.
Yes, I am in therapy trying to untangle this mess.
Apparently I lean towards anxious attachment.
She is most likely a DA/covert narcissist. And yes, she likely has a major personality disorder. My therapist referred to her as a sociopath.

I do recognize that most if not all of this is due to me, not her.
I just can’t believe I wasted so much time. It’s like a fog.

It’s embarrassing to say, but I fell for girl who used her sexuality to hook me. Then I tried to make a silk purse out of a sows ear.
That never works.

I also have thought OCD, so I constantly replay everything in my mind.
I fear this is going to be a very long road back. I need to fully own my participation in this.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

She might be an NPD….I don’t sense sociopath…..but regardless…..I think the aftermath of both is similiar. You may want to look into the “it’s all about her” forum.

www.lisaescott.com/forums/all-about-her-forum

it’s geared towards survivors of narcissists but could help you as well.

tnr9
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Posts: 3,691

My Story. Need Advice Jul 3, 2023 18:17:37 GMT jack2023 likes this

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Post by tnr9 on Jul 3, 2023 18:17:37 GMT

As to the ruminating…it isn’t OCD…it is part of the anxious coping mechanism….the notion of thinking over and over about her to some degree is a strategy to feel in control of a storyline and distracts from having to focus on your part of the equation. It usually starts in childhood and it probably would be useful to start exploring your childhood along with healing from your relationships.