tish
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Aug 12, 2023 1:12:49 GMT
My FA ex broke up with me when i was recovering from surgery in the hospital. You all helped me realize he was FA which I didn’t understand at first. He was at first distant but every so often randomly texts and I kept it short. He called and hung up after one ring last week and I guess he chickened out because he called again and I picked up and he was really heavy sounding and asked if I was sure I had time to talk. I said yes and he asked again. Then he said he wanted to thank me. Then he went on and on about how he wanted to thank me for helping him being confident in himself as a dad. Confident in himself in his job (he opened up a business because of my suggestion after we broke up though…not while we were together). Then he wanted me to know that he thinks I’m a good person, a good mom and I was a good friend to him. I said that was sweet of him to say and he was silent. He can be awkward and not know what to say. I waited to see if he would say anything else and he didn’t so I decided the conversation died and said thanks and wished him a good rest of his day. I don’t think he was happy with this. He unmatched his location that he was sharing with me but had paused. I got an alert this morning. I also suspect his social media presence this morning was looking at pics of me as he admitted in the past that’s all he does on a specific account of his. I’m not sure if I want him back. He’s a good person but what he did to me in the hospital wasn’t okay. And he hasn’t said he misses me or made anything up to me. He hasn’t asked for me back or said he still loves me but I also feel like I’m not 100 on closing the door so I wanted to give him a chance but he didn’t keep it going. Two or three weeks ago he suggested bringing me my things (I’m an hour away) and I said I could lift them because of surgery. I didn’t want him coming to my house with my kids. So I would have still had to lift. After this he seemed upset too. But I sent a message after and said if he wants to bring light stuff I can meet him for those and he said he doesn’t understand and “I must just want to see him  ” and then he agreed to drive there and I didn’t respond since it was midnight by the time he said that and then in the morning he said “never mind. We’ll catch up soon enough.” So I don’t feel like I can move forward without that happening again. Any advice? This sucks! I know I’m better off without the trouble but I do care. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 12, 2023 1:41:45 GMT
What are you hoping to get out of this?
Just because he took some initiative to reach out and say some nice things doesn't change anything. He's still not following through or showing up as a reliable partner (or in person at all).
He also doesn't get to choose to only have you in his life when things are good or okay for you both, versus bad or scary times (like when you had surgery). What good is conditional caring like that?
Don't see hope in the inconsistency. That's an old script you have from tolerating bad or inconsistent behavior from others earlier in your life. When people are mistreating you but you need to stay attached to them for childhood survival, a defense mechanism is to only see the good instead of the reality. He hasn't even said he wants anything more than to apologize and maybe to see you again, don't mind read or attach meaning to his words and behaviors that he hasn't communicated himself. That was a huge lesson I needed to learn when I was AP and dating and entangled romantically with other insecures. Especially since the way I'd think about things or react to them didn't line up with the approaches and perspectives of people with other attachment styles, simply because we didn't have the same needs so our motivations were often not the same. Which meant mind reading was really a recipe for disappointment.
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tish
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Aug 12, 2023 2:06:10 GMT
Thanks for your thoughts! Yeah, I was kind of feeling like it wasn’t enough. He did detach right before the hospital on a trip we took. So, i don’t feel like it was because I was in the hospital but I’m having a hard time thinking I can forgive him. I don’t even know that he realizes that was wrong. I think you are right that I learned to tolerate bad things for survival in childhood. I feel like I would need to see a therapist with him if I were to ever consider anything between us again. I think what I want is to be open to him making amends. It seems like he was starting to do that but didn’t go completely in. Obviously I would have to wait for it. I do love him but he hurt me very badly. He is a good person honestly, I believe. I guess I wanted to run it by you all to see if it just sounds like the same back and forth nonsense FAs are known for or if he seems to be doing better or whatever. I do care about him and I want to be open to things being fixed between us but I don’t want to fall into a trap and have him do it again.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 12, 2023 10:14:06 GMT
I've been in this situation, though the preceding behavior before a much later reconnection wasn't as drastic as in your experience. I was still AP and my thought process was similar. I wanted him to be open to amends and maybe reconciliation but also couples therapy if we were going to do it. He put his toe in, we went on undefined "dates," but he stopped short of saying that he wanted to get back together. He put it on me to guide things forward so he didn't need to take the responsibility for how it would go. I went for it because I really wanted it to work out, told him my boundary was therapy if we were going to get back together, but he never followed through on that. We tried to make it work anyway and within two weeks, he left again and we were back where we started.
What I learned from that experience is if someone has changed and is ready and wants to reconcile for real, they will say it. They will say it because they have gotten to a better place, one from which they can confidently talk about it. If they can't do that, nothing has changed, you're just in another anxious-avoidant loop. Then from there, say he can be straightforward and direct about what he wants, his intentions, and what work he's done to bring about this change, you still need consistent actions over months to see if it's all talk or if anything has really changed and that person can be present and show up for you, assuming you want lasting commitment.
Anything less is not worth reconciliation or even spending time together (in downgraded will-they-won't-they limbo) if you're still hopeful and attached because it will repeat. It may take days, weeks, months, or even longer, but it will happen again. Both of you are on your own independent journeys at this point and need to work through your own individual issues if you have any future opportunity to come together. But I don't know how you'd rebuild trust with him at this point. He apologized, take that as a win, but it doesn't mean you should get back together. Especially this soon. Plus there's no guarantee he wants to change, in which case he won't.
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tish
New Member
Posts: 18
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Post by tish on Aug 14, 2023 17:18:36 GMT
You are right! He was very much doing minimal effort and expecting me to do the rest. It was difficult for him, but I’m not carrying him a whole relationship. If it’s to work he has to come completely forward and that will take effort and time for him to get there and he’s just not there yet. I do think if he had been a different ex I would have stayed on the phone longer. I’ve learned that when I move in towards him it feels like he pulls back out of fear of getting close (since the break up) but he was more vulnerable and I guess he’s already done that enough to teach me not to do much moving towards him. I’ve noticed him having a difficult time and waking up and looking at Facebook the last night or so (of course, I check). It’s unusual for him. So he is having a difficult time. Maybe this id necessary for him to grow and it’s all for the best and when he learns to come towards me with clearer effort and intentions he will be more ready for a relationship then? He is a really good man just needs to be less FA.
I should also add that he has been seeing a therapist for awhile but clearly she didn’t realize he was FA and never addressed it. Well, it’s clear to me, because he comes across stable and secure. That’s why I was thinking I’d have to see a therapist with him because I’d want a therapist to know some of the strange reactions he has that they might not hear otherwise.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 14, 2023 18:30:47 GMT
You're coming to some good conclusions. But you can't just say someone else needs to be less FA. That's who he is. That's how he's been for decades. It developed to allow him to survive a dysfunctional childhood. He can change eventually if he wants to change, but for now this is exactly who he is and you need to accept that versus seeing potential and saying if only he was more/less xyz or otherwise different. Attachment styles are very complicated and it's up to an individual to decide who they are and want to be, not up to us to tell them.
Some therapists are better than others. And some people want therapists they can vent to who don't actual challenge or teach them. You can't go the couples therapy route because you don't agree with his current therapist and think that may "fix it" better. I'd instead focus on the fact you don't actually want a partner you need to walk on eggshells and modify your behavior around. If you don't feel you can move towards him because he'll move back (and you're right, he will, that's how FA balance their own nervous systems), then you're actually learning new dysfunctional behaviors to cope. Is that really the kind of (half) relationship you want?
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” and then he agreed to drive there and I didn’t respond since it was midnight by the time he said that and then in the morning he said “never mind. We’ll catch up soon enough.” So I don’t feel like I can move forward without that happening again. Any advice? This sucks! I know I’m better off without the trouble but I do care. 