Post by patriciaoliveira on Sept 1, 2023 21:12:41 GMT
Context:
Me (F30, anxious) and my ex (M35, avoidant) dated for 5 years. When we met, he was in a very dark place. He was in a few toxic relationships, tried to commit suicide a few months earlier, his financial situation was not good and his overall relationship with his parents was a mess (father is an alcoholic, mother is a narcissist). It was because of me that all these problems improved. He was never abusive or toxic towards me, and we had a great relationship.
We started living together 2.5 years after (late 2020) and this is when his avoidant tendencies started to surface. Being intimate with him was a problem, and it often seemed like he didn't need sex or to spend time with me to feel happy and fulfilled. We also started working remotely around this time, so we ended up spending 24/7 together. It's important to mention that we did not have any talk about living together. I was living with a toxic relative and ended up leaving the house and asking my ex if I could stay with him and his narcissistic mother for a few weeks, until I found something. He agreed, but his mother was not pleased, and ended up leaving the house and renting her own place. Even though their relationship was never good, my ex was deeply affected by this.
1 year after we started living together (late 2021), we suddenly had to move to another house/city. This change affected him to the point he started developing depressive symptoms. He did not feel at home in the new house. I asked him to see a doctor and take some antidepressants, which he only did in late 2022. At this point, he was severely detached, and we were having intimacy issues. If I never initiated sex, we would spend one month or more without it.
The break-up:
In June of this year, he suddenly received a phone call informing him that his grandmother, who he hasn't seen in ages, is very ill. He started acting very weird and decided to spend a whole week with his abusive father and his ill grandmother. He also resumed therapy out of nowhere but stopped having sessions in the house (he would go to the city park to have them). At this point, the last time we had been together sexually (or did anything together) was in early May.
Two weeks after he came back from his relative's house, I had a conversation with him, where I said that I noticed he was very distant lately, and that it's been more than a month since we did anything together. He just snapped and said he couldn't do this anymore, that I deserved someone better than him and that he couldn't give me what I wanted. He also said he still loved me, but that the intensity of his feelings had decreased, and that breaking up was the hardest decision he has ever made. He also said that he was a shitty person, and that he had too much darkness inside of him. That he treated his grandmother very badly when he was a kid, and now that she was sick, he would never be able to apologize to her.
Shortly after, he started behaving very differently: hanging out at night, getting drunk and meeting new people (just friends, no romantic interests). He would sometimes spend whole nights in the streets, just wandering and drinking by himself. I moved out of the house one month later and, after 5 days of NC, he sent me a text apologizing for the pain and hurt he caused me, said I was the best partner he ever had and that his demons pushed me away. That he wasn't sure about his decision, but that I deserved to be much happier than he ever was. He also hoped we could be friends in the future.
Questions:
We have been broken up about two months now and he has never reached out after that text. I, however, have reached out to him three times in order to help him with a few issues (he didn't ask for my help, but I felt like his depression would have become worst without any support). He says he's doing therapy and that he's feeling more stable after increasing his dosage of antidepressants. He also said he's planning on going back to doing sports and that he's trying to forgive himself for all the suffering he has caused to everyone around him. He showed no interest in getting back together during our talks.
For those of you who were kind enough to read this entire wall of text:
- Is this a pattern typical of an avoidant person?
- Is he fearful or dismissive?
- Is there any possibility he will come back after months of no contact, because the relationship was actually good, and I was the best partner he had?
- Is it possible he shut me out because of all his childhood trauma and depression, and that his attraction isn't the problem here?
Me (F30, anxious) and my ex (M35, avoidant) dated for 5 years. When we met, he was in a very dark place. He was in a few toxic relationships, tried to commit suicide a few months earlier, his financial situation was not good and his overall relationship with his parents was a mess (father is an alcoholic, mother is a narcissist). It was because of me that all these problems improved. He was never abusive or toxic towards me, and we had a great relationship.
We started living together 2.5 years after (late 2020) and this is when his avoidant tendencies started to surface. Being intimate with him was a problem, and it often seemed like he didn't need sex or to spend time with me to feel happy and fulfilled. We also started working remotely around this time, so we ended up spending 24/7 together. It's important to mention that we did not have any talk about living together. I was living with a toxic relative and ended up leaving the house and asking my ex if I could stay with him and his narcissistic mother for a few weeks, until I found something. He agreed, but his mother was not pleased, and ended up leaving the house and renting her own place. Even though their relationship was never good, my ex was deeply affected by this.
1 year after we started living together (late 2021), we suddenly had to move to another house/city. This change affected him to the point he started developing depressive symptoms. He did not feel at home in the new house. I asked him to see a doctor and take some antidepressants, which he only did in late 2022. At this point, he was severely detached, and we were having intimacy issues. If I never initiated sex, we would spend one month or more without it.
The break-up:
In June of this year, he suddenly received a phone call informing him that his grandmother, who he hasn't seen in ages, is very ill. He started acting very weird and decided to spend a whole week with his abusive father and his ill grandmother. He also resumed therapy out of nowhere but stopped having sessions in the house (he would go to the city park to have them). At this point, the last time we had been together sexually (or did anything together) was in early May.
Two weeks after he came back from his relative's house, I had a conversation with him, where I said that I noticed he was very distant lately, and that it's been more than a month since we did anything together. He just snapped and said he couldn't do this anymore, that I deserved someone better than him and that he couldn't give me what I wanted. He also said he still loved me, but that the intensity of his feelings had decreased, and that breaking up was the hardest decision he has ever made. He also said that he was a shitty person, and that he had too much darkness inside of him. That he treated his grandmother very badly when he was a kid, and now that she was sick, he would never be able to apologize to her.
Shortly after, he started behaving very differently: hanging out at night, getting drunk and meeting new people (just friends, no romantic interests). He would sometimes spend whole nights in the streets, just wandering and drinking by himself. I moved out of the house one month later and, after 5 days of NC, he sent me a text apologizing for the pain and hurt he caused me, said I was the best partner he ever had and that his demons pushed me away. That he wasn't sure about his decision, but that I deserved to be much happier than he ever was. He also hoped we could be friends in the future.
Questions:
We have been broken up about two months now and he has never reached out after that text. I, however, have reached out to him three times in order to help him with a few issues (he didn't ask for my help, but I felt like his depression would have become worst without any support). He says he's doing therapy and that he's feeling more stable after increasing his dosage of antidepressants. He also said he's planning on going back to doing sports and that he's trying to forgive himself for all the suffering he has caused to everyone around him. He showed no interest in getting back together during our talks.
For those of you who were kind enough to read this entire wall of text:
- Is this a pattern typical of an avoidant person?
- Is he fearful or dismissive?
- Is there any possibility he will come back after months of no contact, because the relationship was actually good, and I was the best partner he had?
- Is it possible he shut me out because of all his childhood trauma and depression, and that his attraction isn't the problem here?
