Post by floom on Sept 7, 2023 14:38:11 GMT
Hi, 5 weeks ago the girl (28) I (30M) have been dating a little longer than 2 months ended things with me. We are in NC, I would like to hear your opinions about the situation and possibly the next steps I would take. I will give some context about how things went.
We met through a dating app. From the first date I got really attracted to this girl and made it very apparent. I would say the connection was there from very beginning, great date fun conversations. It had drinks, dinner, walked hand to hand. It felt amazing. I have been single for 6 years. Before thatbI had only one relationship of 2 years long which put me in depression for long time. In these 6 years, I have dated quite some people but never got that connection and things didn't develop. I got so much hope this time things will be different.
After the first date, we met lots of times, spent 2 consecutive weekends together, having amazing time, getting to know each other. It made me even more excited that we are compatible. However, we had the first bump on the road when I invited her to my place spontaneously which now I call it a big mistake but yea.
Since I didnt plan to ask her to come to mine beforehand. I didnt clean up the place and it was messy. I mean it wasn’t horrible but also not in a good condition. When she arrived, I apologised for the mess and made jokes about it. I only understood that it was a big dealbreaker for her. Anyway, I cooked for her and we again had good time. We met the day after and she started acting cold.Eventually she brought it up and said “My impression ot you has changed after I saw your apartment.” I said this is very harsh thing to say, I am not proud of it but I would expect you to be more constructive about this. I said I can receive feedback and improve myself. For me, it wouldn’t take so much effort to change my habits if I wanted to. She was like “You are right, I am sorry”. Then a few days a later, she started to become very distant. She said she need time and space. I asked her to meet up and talk about it. She agreed and we had a walk. During the talk, she mentioned things were going too fast and we dont even know each other. We may not be compatible etc. She also cried saying that she has social phobia. I tried to comfort her by agreeing things went fast and we need more time to get to know each other. I can give her the time and space she needs. Then, she came to mine again and saw that I cleaned up the apartment really well. Her mood changed a lot in a good way. Two days later “she wrote me that she is sorry for the things she said and she was afraid she ruined everything. It feels very natural to have me in her life.” I was super happy to hear those words and pretty convinced everything will be better after that point. It actually did for a while. We kept seeing each other 3-4 times a week. We also planned a trip together for a week. I basically joined her. During the trip we mostly had good time with little ups and downs but I could see that she can be judgmental about small things. E.g. I didnt throw something to the trash and left it there. I could see she gets upset about these things and never communicates to me directly. I need to find out by asking her. She also agreed she can be judgy sometimes. I said she can work on it.
In this trip, we sexually get more intimate. However, she cried before that. I didn’t understand why and she also couldn’t really tell me. Still, the next days everything was fine. We had the chemistry in this regard.
When we were returning back from the trip, I noticed that her mood wasn’t great. She started to get distant again. I thought she was tired and didnt question much. But once we we were back she wasnt texting as we used to. I talked to her about this and she mentioned about the attachment styles and she can be avoidant at times. When I look it up, I seemed to be anxious type. No surprise
But I didn’t take this so seriously and told her that we need to meet somewhere in the middle. I told her about my needs and I also could respect hers. But once again, we had hot-cold dynamic. This time she told me she is very idealistic and she worried about our compatibility. For example, I don’t speak the lang that her family speaks. I said “I know a little and can learn more. These things are formalities when two people want to make it work.” She again cried this time. But we left in a good place and she went to her hometown to see her family. While she was there, she became even more sweet to me. Calling, texting, saying “I miss you” etc. This remain the same for sometime after she was back in town. I really thought our relationship was growing. Also, I figured she deleted the dating app we met. But she wasn’t really expressive about it as if it didn’t mean anything. I said to her I am going to delete it too. This was a sign for me that we were becoming exclusive. Following days, I tried to open up that conversation but she was hesitant and would make jokes like we are FWB which I dont think this was something she wanted. But I didn’t push so much and left it there.
At some point, we also talked about a summer trip. She said she would like to do it. We talked about dates, I checked flights and hotel even. She was also helping to find an apartment near her. When we were on date for dinner, I asked what are her 3 wishes, she said 1-me finding an apartment near her. 2- having a nice summer together and 3-her and my family to be healthy. This was exactly one week before she ended things.
A couple of days before she ended things, she came to my place in a bad mood and said “ You have expectations from me.” I didn’t understand what she meant by that. I told her she make up these expectations at least more than I have. I said “ I know you have problems but I have them too. We are working on them. We should not reflect them on our relationship. You should just make sure about your feelings and if you want this. As long as they are there, there is nothing to worry”. Now looking back, this is the conversation probably triggered her fears a lot. When we meet the day after, I could notice something was off and I noticed she did some nitpicking about me. It didn’t feel great and I showed that I did get upset/ angry. However, I didnt think it was a big deal. We still had good time. Later, we didnt text so much and we called at night. Everything seemed normal and we agreed to meet tomorrow at my place. We even sent a few reels back and forth.The day after she didn’t respond to my messages until late afternoon. Then she said sorry she didnt see them. On her way to my place, she texted me that she only come for talking about us. I was shocked. I understood that she was going to break up. I already start feeling very bad. When she came to mine, she said “I didnt develop feelings for you. I am not at same level as you are. I didnt treat you so well all the time. I can’t imagine being rest of my life with you. “ She also said something like I dont deserve you. I was pretty angry and hurt at that point. I said “No you didnt deserve anything. Thanks for showing that people leave when you truly care for them. Thank you for not dumping on my birthday at least.” (4 days later was my birthday and 2 weeks later hers) which I also think that scared her. Anyway, it was pretty bad talk. I was devastated. I kept drinking whole night to be able survive the night. The next week I almost couldn’t eat anything. A lot of drinking and smoking. I couldn’t work . My boss even got pissed at me. after 3 weeks mark I start to function but still pretty much in pain. Dreaming every night about her and getting rejected all the time .
After the break up, I find out about the attachment styles in dept and everything I experienced with this girl made sense. I wish I did this the first time she said she is avoidant. My understanding also she is a Fearful avoidant.
Like most APs, I am constantly thinking about her and hoping she reaches out. I didnt contact her and I don’t think I will. She recently started therapy and taking medication. It gives me hope that she may realise she did end things because of her fears but I also know it is not healthy for me count on that. I am just really sad losing the connection we had. I know it’s very rare for me. I try to move on my life. I start feeling better lately but it’s really hard not to hope she is gonna come back. Even though she does, it won’t be perfect but I am willing to go through the healing process with her. I dont believe in the “the one” I just choose to be my partner. I think there is the difference between AP and avoidants. They almost never able to make choice. That feels so unfair.
This whole experience made me realise I also have a lot to work on. Regarless she comes back or not, it’s also not very easy for me to have a healthy relationship. I have lots of insecurities too. But I would be willing get more secure within this relationship. I saw it as a chance but she didn’t. I feel lost. I don’t know if I can keep having the life before I meet her. I need to change. I need to be a different person. Cause I am not happy with who I am, how I behave. I am tired of myself. Sometimes, I feel like I cant stand myself and want to leave myself if that was possible.
So my questions
1- How can I become the person I want to be?
2- Do you think I am right about this girl being FA?
3- Is there any chance that we can reconcile and if we do, should I wait for to reach out to me?
4- Am I likely putting her on the pedestal and she is not actually right person for me?
We met through a dating app. From the first date I got really attracted to this girl and made it very apparent. I would say the connection was there from very beginning, great date fun conversations. It had drinks, dinner, walked hand to hand. It felt amazing. I have been single for 6 years. Before thatbI had only one relationship of 2 years long which put me in depression for long time. In these 6 years, I have dated quite some people but never got that connection and things didn't develop. I got so much hope this time things will be different.
After the first date, we met lots of times, spent 2 consecutive weekends together, having amazing time, getting to know each other. It made me even more excited that we are compatible. However, we had the first bump on the road when I invited her to my place spontaneously which now I call it a big mistake but yea.
Since I didnt plan to ask her to come to mine beforehand. I didnt clean up the place and it was messy. I mean it wasn’t horrible but also not in a good condition. When she arrived, I apologised for the mess and made jokes about it. I only understood that it was a big dealbreaker for her. Anyway, I cooked for her and we again had good time. We met the day after and she started acting cold.Eventually she brought it up and said “My impression ot you has changed after I saw your apartment.” I said this is very harsh thing to say, I am not proud of it but I would expect you to be more constructive about this. I said I can receive feedback and improve myself. For me, it wouldn’t take so much effort to change my habits if I wanted to. She was like “You are right, I am sorry”. Then a few days a later, she started to become very distant. She said she need time and space. I asked her to meet up and talk about it. She agreed and we had a walk. During the talk, she mentioned things were going too fast and we dont even know each other. We may not be compatible etc. She also cried saying that she has social phobia. I tried to comfort her by agreeing things went fast and we need more time to get to know each other. I can give her the time and space she needs. Then, she came to mine again and saw that I cleaned up the apartment really well. Her mood changed a lot in a good way. Two days later “she wrote me that she is sorry for the things she said and she was afraid she ruined everything. It feels very natural to have me in her life.” I was super happy to hear those words and pretty convinced everything will be better after that point. It actually did for a while. We kept seeing each other 3-4 times a week. We also planned a trip together for a week. I basically joined her. During the trip we mostly had good time with little ups and downs but I could see that she can be judgmental about small things. E.g. I didnt throw something to the trash and left it there. I could see she gets upset about these things and never communicates to me directly. I need to find out by asking her. She also agreed she can be judgy sometimes. I said she can work on it.
In this trip, we sexually get more intimate. However, she cried before that. I didn’t understand why and she also couldn’t really tell me. Still, the next days everything was fine. We had the chemistry in this regard.
When we were returning back from the trip, I noticed that her mood wasn’t great. She started to get distant again. I thought she was tired and didnt question much. But once we we were back she wasnt texting as we used to. I talked to her about this and she mentioned about the attachment styles and she can be avoidant at times. When I look it up, I seemed to be anxious type. No surprise
But I didn’t take this so seriously and told her that we need to meet somewhere in the middle. I told her about my needs and I also could respect hers. But once again, we had hot-cold dynamic. This time she told me she is very idealistic and she worried about our compatibility. For example, I don’t speak the lang that her family speaks. I said “I know a little and can learn more. These things are formalities when two people want to make it work.” She again cried this time. But we left in a good place and she went to her hometown to see her family. While she was there, she became even more sweet to me. Calling, texting, saying “I miss you” etc. This remain the same for sometime after she was back in town. I really thought our relationship was growing. Also, I figured she deleted the dating app we met. But she wasn’t really expressive about it as if it didn’t mean anything. I said to her I am going to delete it too. This was a sign for me that we were becoming exclusive. Following days, I tried to open up that conversation but she was hesitant and would make jokes like we are FWB which I dont think this was something she wanted. But I didn’t push so much and left it there. At some point, we also talked about a summer trip. She said she would like to do it. We talked about dates, I checked flights and hotel even. She was also helping to find an apartment near her. When we were on date for dinner, I asked what are her 3 wishes, she said 1-me finding an apartment near her. 2- having a nice summer together and 3-her and my family to be healthy. This was exactly one week before she ended things.
A couple of days before she ended things, she came to my place in a bad mood and said “ You have expectations from me.” I didn’t understand what she meant by that. I told her she make up these expectations at least more than I have. I said “ I know you have problems but I have them too. We are working on them. We should not reflect them on our relationship. You should just make sure about your feelings and if you want this. As long as they are there, there is nothing to worry”. Now looking back, this is the conversation probably triggered her fears a lot. When we meet the day after, I could notice something was off and I noticed she did some nitpicking about me. It didn’t feel great and I showed that I did get upset/ angry. However, I didnt think it was a big deal. We still had good time. Later, we didnt text so much and we called at night. Everything seemed normal and we agreed to meet tomorrow at my place. We even sent a few reels back and forth.The day after she didn’t respond to my messages until late afternoon. Then she said sorry she didnt see them. On her way to my place, she texted me that she only come for talking about us. I was shocked. I understood that she was going to break up. I already start feeling very bad. When she came to mine, she said “I didnt develop feelings for you. I am not at same level as you are. I didnt treat you so well all the time. I can’t imagine being rest of my life with you. “ She also said something like I dont deserve you. I was pretty angry and hurt at that point. I said “No you didnt deserve anything. Thanks for showing that people leave when you truly care for them. Thank you for not dumping on my birthday at least.” (4 days later was my birthday and 2 weeks later hers) which I also think that scared her. Anyway, it was pretty bad talk. I was devastated. I kept drinking whole night to be able survive the night. The next week I almost couldn’t eat anything. A lot of drinking and smoking. I couldn’t work . My boss even got pissed at me. after 3 weeks mark I start to function but still pretty much in pain. Dreaming every night about her and getting rejected all the time .
After the break up, I find out about the attachment styles in dept and everything I experienced with this girl made sense. I wish I did this the first time she said she is avoidant. My understanding also she is a Fearful avoidant.
Like most APs, I am constantly thinking about her and hoping she reaches out. I didnt contact her and I don’t think I will. She recently started therapy and taking medication. It gives me hope that she may realise she did end things because of her fears but I also know it is not healthy for me count on that. I am just really sad losing the connection we had. I know it’s very rare for me. I try to move on my life. I start feeling better lately but it’s really hard not to hope she is gonna come back. Even though she does, it won’t be perfect but I am willing to go through the healing process with her. I dont believe in the “the one” I just choose to be my partner. I think there is the difference between AP and avoidants. They almost never able to make choice. That feels so unfair.
This whole experience made me realise I also have a lot to work on. Regarless she comes back or not, it’s also not very easy for me to have a healthy relationship. I have lots of insecurities too. But I would be willing get more secure within this relationship. I saw it as a chance but she didn’t. I feel lost. I don’t know if I can keep having the life before I meet her. I need to change. I need to be a different person. Cause I am not happy with who I am, how I behave. I am tired of myself. Sometimes, I feel like I cant stand myself and want to leave myself if that was possible.
So my questions
1- How can I become the person I want to be?
2- Do you think I am right about this girl being FA?
3- Is there any chance that we can reconcile and if we do, should I wait for to reach out to me?
4- Am I likely putting her on the pedestal and she is not actually right person for me?
