new approach with FA-ex // situationship // polyamory

LOL, I wouldn't call it a dangerous path if you're aware of the likely outcomes, but I would say you're selling yourself short if you accept a lack of support in a romantic relationship, especially to the extent that you're looking elsewhere for support to compensate. You shouldn't put all expectations of support on one person, this is why it's good to have a diversity of other people around (partner, friends, family, multiple partners if you're set on poly romantic relationships), but you should still expect the person will consistently be supportive. Regardless, sometimes the best way to learn more about yourself and what you want is to have the experience, so I wish you luck in finding what you're looking for if you are going to circle back with the ex! In my situation, as you know, circling back the second time taught me that it was never going to work and it was time to fully move on. That was very valuable, though.

I also had to walk through my experiences rather than simply analyze, cognitively understand, and then make a decision based solely on the analysis. In other words, I did what you are doing. I shone the light of awareness on the situation as I was still in it, and moved through it, to gain the deep understanding that allowed me to move out of the situation. The last relationship I was in before my current one (which is healthy and supportive) was very much that way.

In some cases, when the situation is very damaging, the willingness to stay in it is tied to a weakness. But, in some cases, it can actually be fruitful, as you test out what you think you know about yourself and how you want to operate. It's a chance to practice what you are learning, and find out what you need to do to move forward in your own personal growth.

Find out for yourself, it's valuable experience and as long as you aren't in danger, you will likely be better for it.

With the kind of awareness you have, it would be disrespectful to discount your approach, in my opinion. I did the same thing, I made much more progress while actually in a dysfunctional relationship than while single because.... exactly as you say, I wasn't triggered out of relationship. I was lonely, but didn't have to confront any of the issues surrounding avoidance of intimacy. And continue to grow in the relationship I am in.

It's funny you bring up cats and dogs, I have thought of attachment that way as well. I am NOT a dog person, dogs are simply too much for me, and even my cat can be too much! I really notice my boundaries around domestic animals. Even though animals are interested in me, me my nervous system feels overwhelmed unless they are very well trained and reserved. I'm HSP though and that could be why.

Anyway, I suspect that this is a segment of your journey and not your destination, as the full human intimate connection requires consistency and reciprocity. Both AP and DA refuse true intimacy when it presents itself due to their own internal blocks. So for now, to observe yourself may yield valuable insights, yes! But keep in mind, AP's go for avoidants because they arent able to tolerate true intimacy either. So a cat-type that once triggered you may not bother you so much now, but they ultimately could privide a dynamic to hide out in and remain on the edge of relating in a healthy way without actually getting there. You will need to explore it for yourself and see if that's the case for you. I graduated to higher levels of relating as I went, I can't fault you!

I second this. In my experience, even if you fully embody a “come to me as you are”, and “I love you for you”, in your approach to an insecurely attached person in the relationship, it has backfired on me in a past relationship. I believe this to be for one of two reasons, the first, this “unconditional love” approach, and radical acceptance, puts covert pressure on your partner. It does so because you’re in a way “too good for them”. I have a theory that you’d be more likely to sustain a relationship with an insecurely attached individual if you exhibit toxic traits yourself. We accept the love we feel we deserve.

The second reason I felt like it back fired was that if we are being honest with ourselves, there is absolutely behavior and treatment, regardless if it’s subconscious, that we should not accept from a romantic partner. I don’t care how enlightened or secure one claims to be, the inescapable truth is the neglectful behavior you accept from an insecurely attached partner is a reflection of our lack of self respect, and even an insecurely attached partner cannot respect us when we don’t respect ourselves. In other words, it’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Have to be honest with ourselves.

I had to do the same. I dated people I knew were dead ends. I tested the patterns we talk about here and was shocked at the entirely predictable responses of both myself and others. I learned lots. As others have said here, don’t get lost in this. Make sure you’re honest with yourself and see things for what they are.

If you go in accepting risk, you may be disappointed in the end but you will be ok. There are some things you can't be sure of, that don't gel for you, until you experience it and work your way through it. This whole process is more than words on a page written by the experts, or someone else's advice. It's got to take the shape of YOU, living it.