Post by del86 on Oct 31, 2023 16:57:58 GMT
I am 37 yr old female. My ex 37 yr male, split up with me in August, which was totally out of the blue.
I have thought about it so much because it's left me quite traumatised and recently started reading about attachment styles. Having read about the styles and knowing all of his childhood traumas, it seems obvious to me now that he has a fearful avoidant attachment style. I am going to be honest here and say I am probably an anxious attachment, and it is something I am now aware about and want to work on.
I met my ex in March 2022, through a mutual friend. We all went out that night and my ex when very drunk, told me he had seen me a few weeks before (I work part time in bar and he'd seen me there), and was in love with me. I do know this is kind of a red flag and I said to him you don't even know me. However, he seemed a bit different and quirky, there was something endearing about him that I liked. I was also going through a difficult time as my mom was dying of lung cancer. He was showing me the love, attention and affection I was craving, that's not to say I didn't give that back or didn't fall in love with him as I did. He had come out of a relationship when I met him, and he'd only been single for 2 months, I think. He also had a daughter, who at that point was 3 years old (for context he never wanted children).
It was real whirldwind and we'd be out having fun and partying, it was the distraction I needed. But I was going to university in September of that year and I was clear that I would not be going out partying all of the time then. Then in Oct last year my mom died. I was devastated and was upset a lot. I was also dealing with some health issues of my own that were causing me to lose my hair and some other problems and issues with my neighbour. It was an incredibly stressful time and I was very apologetic to my ex for my anxiety and being upset, but I would tell him how much I appreciated his support and love. He would say he understood as losing my mom was going to affect me for while, and he knew what he was getting into when we started seeing each other as I told him straight away my mom was dying. He would always say he would always love me, had my back and would do anything for me.
As this year has gone on, we had a few rocky moments and in May my ex was a bit distant for a week. I spoke to him about it and he said he was feeling overwhelmed trying to manage the amount of work he had coming up, his daughter and relationship. I understood and said we didn't have to see each other every day, he could just say when worked best for him and that was ok with me. I was also really busy with uni and as I am studying to be a nurse, I was about to start placement and that was my priority. But after that conversation, we had some lovely times out together that I felt we were really close.
In August he went to a festival. He phoned me whilst he was there said he loved me and missed me. He also said his daughter had to go to hospital, but she was ok and after being given antibiotics she was fine. I did find it strange that he decided to stay at the festival and didn't come back to see her, regardless of her being fine. He then lost his phone and I didn't hear off him the rest of the time he was there. When he got back, he came round to my house, knocked on my door and split up with me. He didn't offer much of an explanation, just saying he can't be in a relationship. I was heartbroken as it came out of nowhere. I booked a flight the next day to go and visit my friend in Spain. I had things at my exes that I wanted to get back to take with me, so I messaged him about them. He didn't reply. It took a week for him to reply. I asked if he would be willing to give a bit more of an explanation he said he'd give me my things and yeah explain when I got back.
I messaged him when I got back to arrange getting my things. He replied the next day saying he would drop my stuff off. When he came to mine, there were lots of things he had forgotten, which was annoying. As far as I was concerned he came to my house the day he split with me knowing his intention, so he should have had all of my belongings with him. Anyway I asked him what was going on he just said I was the lowest maintenance girlfriend he'd ever had and I was amazing but he can't be in relationship as his head isn't in the right place. He said I need a man who can give all of their attention to me and he can't. He needs to focus everything on himself, which I was confused as I have my own stuff and I don't want a man giving me 100% of their attention, despite being anxious attacher I would find that suffocating. I said I thought it was kind of out of order how he ended things and he got in a mood ended the conversation and walked away, still leaving me with no answers.
I left it a few weeks, and messaged him about getting the rest of my things. When we met up, I said to him I want to say some thing as he had dropped this on me and disappeared. He said yeah I know and I feel like a piece of shit. So I said to him about our relationship moving very fast, but that was all him pushing it, I would have waited if he needed that time (which he knew as I told him in the beginning). I discussed some things that happened between us and then asked if he was not in love with me anymore. He said he didn't think so. I said well either yes or no. He said no then. I asked for how long. He said the beginning of the year. I was in shock. For 8 months he had been lying to me, but in that time he would say and do loving things. I asked him why he didn't finish it then and he said he didn't have the balls to do it. I mentioned times that we had together and how affectionate and loving he was and he said nothing. 3 weeks before he finished with me, he bought me a watch for nursing, for my birthday, with my name engraved on it, and a message on the back saying (my name), I love you forever, love (his name) xxx. All he had to say about it all was you'll be better off in the long run as you want to go travelling and I am stuck here for 20 years (alluding to having to stay in the UK because he had a 5 yr old daughter). I said you don't even know what I want. For context I had been vocal about travelling, but he wanted to do that too, and I was more than willing to compromise for when his daughter was older. Also at this meeting there was still things of mine had forgotten. I said to him I was going to ask you if you wanted to sort it out when you are in a better place, he said no it's not going to work.
I messaged him the other week to get the rest of my things back and tried to offer the olive branch of some kind of friendship (due to us being in the same social circle and were likely going to be bumping into one another). He sent a cold reply saying yeah he ok and he has no problem with me. He dropped my things over, still forgot something though, but was really on edge around me. I was just being normal as I don't want awkwardness.
Anyway all of this has left me super confused. If anyone on here is an FA, do you think he was telling the truth about not being in love with me? I find it hard to believe he could act it so well, as when I know I stopped loving an ex of mine in a previous relationship, I couldn't stand to be in anywhere near them, and finished it asap. Because even up until the week before he finished with me, he was saying how he loved him and I was his soulmate?! Also, is there a reason behind him dragging out giving me my things back? The way he has been towards me in way is like I broke his heart and he hates my guts, so if that's the case, why didn't he want rid of all of my things out of his house? I might be reading more into this, but none of it adds up???
Various friends that we both have since have said to me you do know he is a wreck head. By this they mean he drinks a lot and get messed up. I am aware that he has some issues with drink, but he is renowned for this behaviour. I guess it's some sort of escapism. And yes, I am fully aware that I shouldn't be with someone who is basically an alcoholic. I guess the issue is fell in love with him and despite his flaws, he could be a loving and affectionate person, so it left me really upset that he let me down.
I have thought about it so much because it's left me quite traumatised and recently started reading about attachment styles. Having read about the styles and knowing all of his childhood traumas, it seems obvious to me now that he has a fearful avoidant attachment style. I am going to be honest here and say I am probably an anxious attachment, and it is something I am now aware about and want to work on.
I met my ex in March 2022, through a mutual friend. We all went out that night and my ex when very drunk, told me he had seen me a few weeks before (I work part time in bar and he'd seen me there), and was in love with me. I do know this is kind of a red flag and I said to him you don't even know me. However, he seemed a bit different and quirky, there was something endearing about him that I liked. I was also going through a difficult time as my mom was dying of lung cancer. He was showing me the love, attention and affection I was craving, that's not to say I didn't give that back or didn't fall in love with him as I did. He had come out of a relationship when I met him, and he'd only been single for 2 months, I think. He also had a daughter, who at that point was 3 years old (for context he never wanted children).
It was real whirldwind and we'd be out having fun and partying, it was the distraction I needed. But I was going to university in September of that year and I was clear that I would not be going out partying all of the time then. Then in Oct last year my mom died. I was devastated and was upset a lot. I was also dealing with some health issues of my own that were causing me to lose my hair and some other problems and issues with my neighbour. It was an incredibly stressful time and I was very apologetic to my ex for my anxiety and being upset, but I would tell him how much I appreciated his support and love. He would say he understood as losing my mom was going to affect me for while, and he knew what he was getting into when we started seeing each other as I told him straight away my mom was dying. He would always say he would always love me, had my back and would do anything for me.
As this year has gone on, we had a few rocky moments and in May my ex was a bit distant for a week. I spoke to him about it and he said he was feeling overwhelmed trying to manage the amount of work he had coming up, his daughter and relationship. I understood and said we didn't have to see each other every day, he could just say when worked best for him and that was ok with me. I was also really busy with uni and as I am studying to be a nurse, I was about to start placement and that was my priority. But after that conversation, we had some lovely times out together that I felt we were really close.
In August he went to a festival. He phoned me whilst he was there said he loved me and missed me. He also said his daughter had to go to hospital, but she was ok and after being given antibiotics she was fine. I did find it strange that he decided to stay at the festival and didn't come back to see her, regardless of her being fine. He then lost his phone and I didn't hear off him the rest of the time he was there. When he got back, he came round to my house, knocked on my door and split up with me. He didn't offer much of an explanation, just saying he can't be in a relationship. I was heartbroken as it came out of nowhere. I booked a flight the next day to go and visit my friend in Spain. I had things at my exes that I wanted to get back to take with me, so I messaged him about them. He didn't reply. It took a week for him to reply. I asked if he would be willing to give a bit more of an explanation he said he'd give me my things and yeah explain when I got back.
I messaged him when I got back to arrange getting my things. He replied the next day saying he would drop my stuff off. When he came to mine, there were lots of things he had forgotten, which was annoying. As far as I was concerned he came to my house the day he split with me knowing his intention, so he should have had all of my belongings with him. Anyway I asked him what was going on he just said I was the lowest maintenance girlfriend he'd ever had and I was amazing but he can't be in relationship as his head isn't in the right place. He said I need a man who can give all of their attention to me and he can't. He needs to focus everything on himself, which I was confused as I have my own stuff and I don't want a man giving me 100% of their attention, despite being anxious attacher I would find that suffocating. I said I thought it was kind of out of order how he ended things and he got in a mood ended the conversation and walked away, still leaving me with no answers.
I left it a few weeks, and messaged him about getting the rest of my things. When we met up, I said to him I want to say some thing as he had dropped this on me and disappeared. He said yeah I know and I feel like a piece of shit. So I said to him about our relationship moving very fast, but that was all him pushing it, I would have waited if he needed that time (which he knew as I told him in the beginning). I discussed some things that happened between us and then asked if he was not in love with me anymore. He said he didn't think so. I said well either yes or no. He said no then. I asked for how long. He said the beginning of the year. I was in shock. For 8 months he had been lying to me, but in that time he would say and do loving things. I asked him why he didn't finish it then and he said he didn't have the balls to do it. I mentioned times that we had together and how affectionate and loving he was and he said nothing. 3 weeks before he finished with me, he bought me a watch for nursing, for my birthday, with my name engraved on it, and a message on the back saying (my name), I love you forever, love (his name) xxx. All he had to say about it all was you'll be better off in the long run as you want to go travelling and I am stuck here for 20 years (alluding to having to stay in the UK because he had a 5 yr old daughter). I said you don't even know what I want. For context I had been vocal about travelling, but he wanted to do that too, and I was more than willing to compromise for when his daughter was older. Also at this meeting there was still things of mine had forgotten. I said to him I was going to ask you if you wanted to sort it out when you are in a better place, he said no it's not going to work.
I messaged him the other week to get the rest of my things back and tried to offer the olive branch of some kind of friendship (due to us being in the same social circle and were likely going to be bumping into one another). He sent a cold reply saying yeah he ok and he has no problem with me. He dropped my things over, still forgot something though, but was really on edge around me. I was just being normal as I don't want awkwardness.
Anyway all of this has left me super confused. If anyone on here is an FA, do you think he was telling the truth about not being in love with me? I find it hard to believe he could act it so well, as when I know I stopped loving an ex of mine in a previous relationship, I couldn't stand to be in anywhere near them, and finished it asap. Because even up until the week before he finished with me, he was saying how he loved him and I was his soulmate?! Also, is there a reason behind him dragging out giving me my things back? The way he has been towards me in way is like I broke his heart and he hates my guts, so if that's the case, why didn't he want rid of all of my things out of his house? I might be reading more into this, but none of it adds up???
Various friends that we both have since have said to me you do know he is a wreck head. By this they mean he drinks a lot and get messed up. I am aware that he has some issues with drink, but he is renowned for this behaviour. I guess it's some sort of escapism. And yes, I am fully aware that I shouldn't be with someone who is basically an alcoholic. I guess the issue is fell in love with him and despite his flaws, he could be a loving and affectionate person, so it left me really upset that he let me down.
