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Post by introvert on Nov 3, 2023 19:19:07 GMT
This is just dating, I wouldn't read attachment into it. Th3 first few months of dating are exploratory... feeling it out, experiencing the person. Attraction is complex and so if someone isn't interested in continuing it can simply be a lack of attraction (highly individual!), having met someone else, getting cold feet about dating... which can happen with any attachment style.
The impact on you may trigger your own insecurity though, if you're unable to accept that sometimes someone just isn't into you and that's not a statment about your desirability, just an incompatibility.
So exploring your own psychology will be more helpful than exploring his... he may have just triggered your own insecurity.
Saying "He didn't want to date because he's avoidant." Might be a defense against your own feelings of inadequacy or being undesirable. If you're able to brush yourself off and move on recognizing it just wasn't the right fit, you can find the one that is.
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Post by olefaithful22 on Nov 3, 2023 19:43:39 GMT
if someone isn't interested in continuing it can simply be a lack of attraction (highly individual!), having met someone else, getting cold feet about dating... which can happen with any attachment style. Thanks for your reply  I agree with this up to a point- obviously interest is simply preference, unrelated to attachment style. However I feel as though someone secure surely would have communicated more effectively (even in early dating), rather than just fade away leaving me second guessing everything for weeks. Especially when he had seemed keen/suggested future plans etc. I guess it was hard for me to accept as I tend to know pretty quickly (1-2 dates) whether I'm interested in persuing something or not. And if not, they get a respectful 'thanks but no thanks' text. I've missed hanging out with him and pathetically wonder if I'll ever hear. Am allowing myself 1 more day of moping before trying to cut off all thoughts and firmly moving on! |
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Post by introvert on Nov 3, 2023 20:14:58 GMT
But this seems like an insecure approach... does he meet your standards for communication? You seem to be in AP mode?
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Post by alexandra on Nov 3, 2023 21:25:05 GMT
He might have realized he wasn't that interested, and is too immature or shy to realize it faster or communicate it properly, or he might have an FA attachment style. However, this ultimately doesn't matter as the end result was the same. Things aren't moving forward, and you're lucky he didn't waste your time stringing you along as he figured it out! I understand how confusing the sudden 180 can be the first time it happens in your dating life if you haven't experienced it before. It can open up a world of understanding to look into attachment styles. But it's important to focus on the biggest picture, which is no matter the reason he won't move forward, this isn't the right person for you. Doubly so if his communication around important issues stinks!
Having dated tons of avoidant people myself, you are right that an emotionally mature and secure person won't leave you surprised and confused. I didn't have many secure breakups or breaking-off-after-just-a-few-dates, but when I was on the receiving end of things ending with someone secure, it was very different. No confusion, very respectful, no surprises, no hard feelings.
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Post by introvert on Nov 3, 2023 21:42:42 GMT
Something to look at is... you've decided you're interested in a guy who is showing clear unavailability...and you're putting the ball in his court! This is a red flag, in you. I mention it to be supportive not to judge or demean you. You're cruising for a bruising to approach a potential relationship this way.
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Post by olefaithful22 on Nov 3, 2023 22:16:20 GMT
Something to look at is... you've decided you're interested in a guy who is showing clear unavailability...and you're putting the ball in his court! This is a red flag, in you. I mention it to be supportive not to judge or demean you. You're cruising for a bruising to approach a potential relationship this way. I miss how things felt at the beginning even though I obviously didn't like his behaviour at the end, it felt hurtful he acted that way. I miss him but that doesn't mean I'd jump back into anything, it's just feelings I guess. It's been a strange one and I didn't expect it to affect me the way it has. I thought I had enough skills in my tool box to simply view someone who behaves this way as an 'ick', but apparantly not in reality! It's hard when you haven't been in a relationship in a while. Under no illusions whatsover that I have highly anxious tendencies and therefore my own red flags in dating. Working on it. |
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Post by mrob on Nov 3, 2023 22:29:16 GMT
I think you’re all looking far more into this than there likely is. alexandra in her first reply, I reckon, was spot on. There are so many variables early on, including just plain availability. I wouldn’t say the solution is becoming more available, though. |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 3, 2023 22:30:23 GMT
Also remember it's easy to be on good behavior the first few weeks or months. That's why it's called the honeymoon period. But it's fantasy to some extent as you don't really know each other yet. You miss a feeling you're seeking out, but that may not actually be who he is anyway. If you have anxious tendencies, it's easy to fill in knowledge gaps before you know someone well with only positives. That will make hot-cold situations hit harder.
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I agree with this up to a point- obviously interest is simply preference, unrelated to attachment style. However I feel as though someone secure surely would have communicated more effectively (even in early dating), rather than just fade away leaving me second guessing everything for weeks. Especially when he had seemed keen/suggested future plans etc. I guess it was hard for me to accept as I tend to know pretty quickly (1-2 dates) whether I'm interested in persuing something or not. And if not, they get a respectful 'thanks but no thanks' text. I've missed hanging out with him and pathetically wonder if I'll ever hear. Am allowing myself 1 more day of moping before trying to cut off all thoughts and firmly moving on! 
