Post by seeking on Nov 7, 2023 13:37:30 GMT
I've been working through a lot in the realm of relationality. I plan to work on this piece more with my therapist, but in the meantime, curious to hear others thoughts here.
I'm obviously working on secure attachment, but honestly still have so many parts that are not! It's always a work in progress.
One thing I've been noticing that started with my sister (whole thread or ten about that, lol) is this idea of really feeling connected in the presence of another. I'm looking at what makes up that connection. But then I wonder if that changes as someone who has (and is healing) C-PTSD.
I think that's why it's hard for me to know what is "normal" (healthy) - since sometimes it feels more like my C-PTSD talking....
When this was all prompted by the feeling of no connection with my sister, I ended up healing a lot through understanding and not reacting to her way of being in the world (which doesn't feel, to me, super conducive to connection).
I notice a lot of time, my chief issue around connection is feeling invisible. Like I'm not present, or it can be anyone, or I'm just a stand in -- and that feels pretty lousy. But I want to see if there's stuff happening on my end that can help.
In a recent situation, I wrote to a male friend whose opinion I value around stuff going on in the world. I've admittedly been feeling pretty distressed, frightened, bewildered about it all, like most people. And I know when I reached out to him, I was seeking soothing in the form of connection - like he'll have something wise to say about it or maybe insightful or hopeful.
So I wrote him basically that - hey, what do you think about what's going on in such and such and with this situation.... and he writes back prob minutes later? Maybe within the hour? And Says basically "Hey, I'm so glad you wrote. Too bad you can't come Sunday to Friendsgiving, here's what I made." And then proceeds to send me multiple photos of a pie he made. And then a photo of his new grandkid (I did ask about her) with details about that.
This is where I imagine a sad little girl holding out something she wanted to give or show to someone who does not receive it, and now she looks a little droopy and sad.
I retreated and said nothing.
Then later I wrote. "Cool enjoy."
And days passed. I talked to a friend about it and they said, "Oh it's like when you hear from someone you haven't heard from in a while and you just tell them everything all at once."
Hearing that, it occurred to me, one thing I'm working on is giving people the benefit of the doubt. I tend to be more like the little girl who is deflated when she goes to connect and doesn't get what she's looking for. So I thought about this more and last night, I tried again. I wrote to him and specifically said, "So I haven't been hearing too much on this issue, what are your thoughts on it."
And AGAIN - OMG - He wrote back with "Friendsgiving was wonderful. and blah blah blah blah blah." Sent a million photos and said, "Well have to talk more some time."
I grew so sad, I can't deny it. It feels like I can't communicate with this person.
Would love any thoughts. What would you do? Is it me? Do you just keep putting up with this and keep re-iterating "Great, and I'd love to hear from you about x, y, z." Or give up? (That's my go to). Or adjust expectations --
I'm obviously working on secure attachment, but honestly still have so many parts that are not! It's always a work in progress.
One thing I've been noticing that started with my sister (whole thread or ten about that, lol) is this idea of really feeling connected in the presence of another. I'm looking at what makes up that connection. But then I wonder if that changes as someone who has (and is healing) C-PTSD.
I think that's why it's hard for me to know what is "normal" (healthy) - since sometimes it feels more like my C-PTSD talking....
When this was all prompted by the feeling of no connection with my sister, I ended up healing a lot through understanding and not reacting to her way of being in the world (which doesn't feel, to me, super conducive to connection).
I notice a lot of time, my chief issue around connection is feeling invisible. Like I'm not present, or it can be anyone, or I'm just a stand in -- and that feels pretty lousy. But I want to see if there's stuff happening on my end that can help.
In a recent situation, I wrote to a male friend whose opinion I value around stuff going on in the world. I've admittedly been feeling pretty distressed, frightened, bewildered about it all, like most people. And I know when I reached out to him, I was seeking soothing in the form of connection - like he'll have something wise to say about it or maybe insightful or hopeful.
So I wrote him basically that - hey, what do you think about what's going on in such and such and with this situation.... and he writes back prob minutes later? Maybe within the hour? And Says basically "Hey, I'm so glad you wrote. Too bad you can't come Sunday to Friendsgiving, here's what I made." And then proceeds to send me multiple photos of a pie he made. And then a photo of his new grandkid (I did ask about her) with details about that.
This is where I imagine a sad little girl holding out something she wanted to give or show to someone who does not receive it, and now she looks a little droopy and sad.
I retreated and said nothing.
Then later I wrote. "Cool enjoy."
And days passed. I talked to a friend about it and they said, "Oh it's like when you hear from someone you haven't heard from in a while and you just tell them everything all at once."
Hearing that, it occurred to me, one thing I'm working on is giving people the benefit of the doubt. I tend to be more like the little girl who is deflated when she goes to connect and doesn't get what she's looking for. So I thought about this more and last night, I tried again. I wrote to him and specifically said, "So I haven't been hearing too much on this issue, what are your thoughts on it."
And AGAIN - OMG - He wrote back with "Friendsgiving was wonderful. and blah blah blah blah blah." Sent a million photos and said, "Well have to talk more some time."
I grew so sad, I can't deny it. It feels like I can't communicate with this person.
Would love any thoughts. What would you do? Is it me? Do you just keep putting up with this and keep re-iterating "Great, and I'd love to hear from you about x, y, z." Or give up? (That's my go to). Or adjust expectations --
