Post by charlii on Nov 18, 2023 15:43:42 GMT
Summary: My ex and I broke up almsot 2 years ago. It was a blindside, very painful for me. I think immediately after I went through stages of Anxios but mostly avoidant. Thought I was back to being secure again, and maybe I still am
I was never sure if he is DA or FA exactly. Maybve he is FA that leans dismissive.
He's admitted to me after 3 years of knowing him he has HF autism- And I am pretty sure he does have OCD..as in almost 99% sure. I have no idea nythning else. Anway, he also ignored me afor a year after the blindside. He hasn't dated anyone else and has maintained since the breakup that he can't be in a relatinoship bc he really can't. That he has a problem (no idae what it is ..coud be this or something else..seems to bother him alot) I ofc found attachment post break up a few years ago. He has also maintained he want to be together still never didnt' want to...but I know he has the fear abandonment (asmited thought we were breking up for 6 months straight) and self esteem issue.
Somehow we got to being friends. He eventually confronted me about the breakup, tht usual felt disgusted w himself, didn't know what to do, etc. We were friends first,
So for 1 year we have been pretty good friends. TExting alot, hanging out alot.
In the summer I believe he was burnt out/stressful he dialed down on commuication for abut 8 weeks. When asked he admitted it was nothing to do w me and he is being distant to everyone. Fair enough. Went back ot normal for about 3 months.
I noticed the decrease again, and also I notice whenver I go away, some sort of deactivation happens. So that is when it started alot-I went away for a few dyas. The night I came back he 'stressfully/almost panic' came to my place and said he can't do work at muy place anymore bc he will wind up staying and he' s not sleeping lol. (In the past we both do work at night together, sometimes watch a movie later and he often stays bc it is so late..) Purel platotnic. Some of the other context of it was ridiculous/non-reasonable. And he left right after saying that. Also..no one ever told him he had to stay lol
Concurrently, and he knew this, I had anotehr friend that was really acting horribly and actually ghosting me, and blew up our firend group w some toxic behaviors. At the time, I didn't realize it was others as well, and as you can imagine it brought back my own memories of the b/u. I told him some of it, but I def coould have used an ear before I realized I was not the only victim. (we have since formed the group back without the toxic one). As a sidetone--he is ultra busy and does have a huge project that he has had since September
ANYWAY...so communication droppped off to now I have not had any text back in 2 weeks. Right before the zero contact happened. I did bring up to him--that it almost seemed his sleep convo actually meant to slow fade to not wanting to hang out at all. Asked if he was alright bc not sure to be concerned, does have have somehting going on, etc misunderstanding, upset w me? etc. I did remind him that I feel hurt when he does this and being ignored takes me back to a period when he's done. this..And if he tells he he's streesed, etc ahead of time I would not feel this way. But I don't lie the dropping off bc it literally was out of nowhere. I notice he is doing odd things like going to the gym at 6 am and going to be earlier. (GREAT..but he does the gym when =yltra stressed).
His response was "Everything has been fine, I;ve just been busy". Next day, lots of contact and then 2 days later dropped off 100%. I have no problem w busy, but Ig our friendship has been we check in , grab a meal, etc. Weekends obv we are both not as busy. So, I am pretty sure he is avoiding it all. (**I also wondered if the friend situation triggered him bc it was a ghosting thing plus)
So...I feel I have been patitent. I am a cross between upset and angry due to the past behavior. To me if you apologize it means you change your behavior. I have been very patient. So is that secure or am I just a patient person? I am disapointd bc I have proven multiple times I am patient, and ok, but asking for some heads up. I know this is not a "me issue/fault" but maybe it is triggering me I don't know. in some weird way I get jealous (not a gf way) that he 'seems fine' around others, cool as a cucumber, yet for me, even as a friend, I get this crap.
Am I just patient? Would a secure person get upset/angry over this? I genereally do not cut people off unless something is intentional (the toxic friend is done..lots of big damage there). But at the same time I don't want to tip toe how the behavior is not right or good for me.
ETA: I think that the driving force is this is the disappointment that to me it feels like he is sabotaging the friendship. It took alot to get to the point where we were in that regard (we were friends first)
I was never sure if he is DA or FA exactly. Maybve he is FA that leans dismissive.
He's admitted to me after 3 years of knowing him he has HF autism- And I am pretty sure he does have OCD..as in almost 99% sure. I have no idea nythning else. Anway, he also ignored me afor a year after the blindside. He hasn't dated anyone else and has maintained since the breakup that he can't be in a relatinoship bc he really can't. That he has a problem (no idae what it is ..coud be this or something else..seems to bother him alot) I ofc found attachment post break up a few years ago. He has also maintained he want to be together still never didnt' want to...but I know he has the fear abandonment (asmited thought we were breking up for 6 months straight) and self esteem issue.
Somehow we got to being friends. He eventually confronted me about the breakup, tht usual felt disgusted w himself, didn't know what to do, etc. We were friends first,
So for 1 year we have been pretty good friends. TExting alot, hanging out alot.
In the summer I believe he was burnt out/stressful he dialed down on commuication for abut 8 weeks. When asked he admitted it was nothing to do w me and he is being distant to everyone. Fair enough. Went back ot normal for about 3 months.
I noticed the decrease again, and also I notice whenver I go away, some sort of deactivation happens. So that is when it started alot-I went away for a few dyas. The night I came back he 'stressfully/almost panic' came to my place and said he can't do work at muy place anymore bc he will wind up staying and he' s not sleeping lol. (In the past we both do work at night together, sometimes watch a movie later and he often stays bc it is so late..) Purel platotnic. Some of the other context of it was ridiculous/non-reasonable. And he left right after saying that. Also..no one ever told him he had to stay lol
Concurrently, and he knew this, I had anotehr friend that was really acting horribly and actually ghosting me, and blew up our firend group w some toxic behaviors. At the time, I didn't realize it was others as well, and as you can imagine it brought back my own memories of the b/u. I told him some of it, but I def coould have used an ear before I realized I was not the only victim. (we have since formed the group back without the toxic one). As a sidetone--he is ultra busy and does have a huge project that he has had since September
ANYWAY...so communication droppped off to now I have not had any text back in 2 weeks. Right before the zero contact happened. I did bring up to him--that it almost seemed his sleep convo actually meant to slow fade to not wanting to hang out at all. Asked if he was alright bc not sure to be concerned, does have have somehting going on, etc misunderstanding, upset w me? etc. I did remind him that I feel hurt when he does this and being ignored takes me back to a period when he's done. this..And if he tells he he's streesed, etc ahead of time I would not feel this way. But I don't lie the dropping off bc it literally was out of nowhere. I notice he is doing odd things like going to the gym at 6 am and going to be earlier. (GREAT..but he does the gym when =yltra stressed).
His response was "Everything has been fine, I;ve just been busy". Next day, lots of contact and then 2 days later dropped off 100%. I have no problem w busy, but Ig our friendship has been we check in , grab a meal, etc. Weekends obv we are both not as busy. So, I am pretty sure he is avoiding it all. (**I also wondered if the friend situation triggered him bc it was a ghosting thing plus)
So...I feel I have been patitent. I am a cross between upset and angry due to the past behavior. To me if you apologize it means you change your behavior. I have been very patient. So is that secure or am I just a patient person? I am disapointd bc I have proven multiple times I am patient, and ok, but asking for some heads up. I know this is not a "me issue/fault" but maybe it is triggering me I don't know. in some weird way I get jealous (not a gf way) that he 'seems fine' around others, cool as a cucumber, yet for me, even as a friend, I get this crap.
Am I just patient? Would a secure person get upset/angry over this? I genereally do not cut people off unless something is intentional (the toxic friend is done..lots of big damage there). But at the same time I don't want to tip toe how the behavior is not right or good for me.
ETA: I think that the driving force is this is the disappointment that to me it feels like he is sabotaging the friendship. It took alot to get to the point where we were in that regard (we were friends first)
