|
|
Post by gregmc on Jan 2, 2024 22:01:39 GMT
Hello everyone. I decided to create an account to ask for some advice because this is really bothering me and I don't know what to do.
I have an avoidant friend and we have this friendship that involves some flirting at times and many deep conversations. There are times when we talk/text for hours on end into the early hours of the morning. She's admitted to me that sometimes she pretends not to care about me and tends to ignore me when we're with other friends because she doesn't want me to lose (platonic) interest in her; she also said she often tests people to see if they truly care about her (I suspect pushing them away is how she does this). She's also constantly saying that I don't truly know her (even though I think I do know her a bit?)
I've always supported her and I try to be there for her when she needs it, but last week we had a conversation that was more focused on how she works (that she started) where I told her I don't feel ignored by her and that I will accept her for who she is, avoidant behavior included. This was the last time we talked before she went home for the holidays and I feel like she's been avoiding me ever since. She didn't text me once during this past week and didn't even wish me a happy new year. She's also been ignoring my messages in a group chat we have in common with other friends.
I've respected her space and I haven't contacted her either because I don't want to appear needy or desperate, but I feel hurt and very confused. Was she triggered by my saying that I would accept her as she is? Although our friendship is unbalanced because I'm a lot more supportive than she is, I still want to be there for her, but I'm at a point where I can't even understand if she truly cares about me or not - because right now I feel like I'm absolutely nothing to her and that maybe she just wants my attention and the validation I give her.
How should I proceed? I feel like talking to her would be more appropriate if she was a romantic partner, but when it's just friendship, I don't know if that's the right approach. Do you have any advice? Thank you.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jan 2, 2024 23:05:43 GMT
Hello everyone. I decided to create an account to ask for some advice because this is really bothering me and I don't know what to do. I have an avoidant friend and we have this friendship that involves some flirting at times and many deep conversations. There are times when we talk/text for hours on end into the early hours of the morning. She's admitted to me that sometimes she pretends not to care about me and tends to ignore me when we're with other friends because she doesn't want me to lose (platonic) interest in her; she also said she often tests people to see if they truly care about her (I suspect pushing them away is how she does this). She's also constantly saying that I don't truly know her (even though I think I do know her a bit?) I've always supported her and I try to be there for her when she needs it, but last week we had a conversation that was more focused on how she works (that she started) where I told her I don't feel ignored by her and that I will accept her for who she is, avoidant behavior included. This was the last time we talked before she went home for the holidays and I feel like she's been avoiding me ever since. She didn't text me once during this past week and didn't even wish me a happy new year. She's also been ignoring my messages in a group chat we have in common with other friends. I've respected her space and I haven't contacted her either because I don't want to appear needy or desperate, but I feel hurt and very confused. Was she triggered by my saying that I would accept her as she is? Although our friendship is unbalanced because I'm a lot more supportive than she is, I still want to be there for her, but I'm at a point where I can't even understand if she truly cares about me or not - because right now I feel like I'm absolutely nothing to her and that maybe she just wants my attention and the validation I give her. How should I proceed? I feel like talking to her would be more appropriate if she was a romantic partner, but when it's just friendship, I don't know if that's the right approach. Do you have any advice? Thank you. Hi there….unfortunately, we cannot tell you why your friend has not contacted you…..but if you have reached out several times with no response….then I would wait until she reaches back out. It could be that she is taking a break from social media, that she has been busy etc. Could it be a response to what you said? Given the fact that it was just before the holidays, I doubt it….but that truly is a question for her to answer. In the meantime, you sound like you have an anxious attachment, which would explain all your concern on her absence. It might be worth exploring if therapy might be helpful to get to the root of your anxiety. |
|
|
|
Post by introvert on Jan 3, 2024 5:05:28 GMT
That's pretty self centered behavior on her part. It's pretty hurtful and confusing, your feelings are valid. I've seen behavior like this in females with cluster B personality types when ut was about control and seeing if they could get a chase out of it, but who knows. I wouldn't expect anything but disrespect from this one whether you talk or not... I don't have advice other than try to figure out if this kind of dynamic is really what you want to participate in.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jan 3, 2024 6:52:28 GMT
Do you really want to be just friends? Or are you hoping if you show unwavering support it may grow into more? I'd say, don't dismiss her saying that you don't know her. In a situation like this, it generally means one of two things, possibly both. Either (one) she feels you're projecting onto her, and projection can indeed happen if you have anxious attachment, even if it's unintentional. Or (two) she's putting on a facade in some way to the people around her because that's what she learned to do earlier in life. If it's two, you cannot just get through that wall by being supportive, because it's probably a trauma response. Which is for her to hold onto or not. A facade like that comes from an inherent distrust of others that isn't based on anything the others are doing. If you want to be just friends, know that even if she cares you'll always be at arm's length because she has intimacy issues, and it's tough to try to lean on someone for support, help, fulfillment, whatever, whom you can't trust. And you can't trust someone who doesn't trust other people. If it is the second one, that doesn't mean she's a bad person, but it means she can't provide what you're looking for. So why dwell on a friendship with such a big imbalance? As tnr9 suggested, that's a real question to ask yourself, not a rhetorical one. As far as what you can do, can you have a casual friendship with her that won't stop you from forging strong connections with other people? Like, perhaps she can be someone you go out and socialize with for fun, but you would not call in an emergency. |
|
|
|
Post by gregmc on Jan 3, 2024 8:04:47 GMT
Do you really want to be just friends? Or are you hoping if you show unwavering support it may grow into more? I'd say, don't dismiss her saying that you don't know her. In a situation like this, it generally means one of two things, possibly both. Either (one) she feels you're projecting onto her, and projection can indeed happen if you have anxious attachment, even if it's unintentional. Or (two) she's putting on a facade in some way to the people around her because that's what she learned to do earlier in life. If it's two, you cannot just get through that wall by being supportive, because it's probably a trauma response. Which is for her to hold onto or not. A facade like that comes from an inherent distrust of others that isn't based on anything the others are doing. If you want to be just friends, know that even if she cares you'll always be at arm's length because she has intimacy issues, and it's tough to try to lean on someone for support, help, fulfillment, whatever, whom you can't trust. And you can't trust someone who doesn't trust other people. If it is the second one, that doesn't mean she's a bad person, but it means she can't provide what you're looking for. So why dwell on a friendship with such a big imbalance? As tnr9 suggested, that's a real question to ask yourself, not a rhetorical one. As far as what you can do, can you have a casual friendship with her that won't stop you from forging strong connections with other people? Like, perhaps she can be someone you go out and socialize with for fun, but you would not call in an emergency. If I'm being honest, I do have feelings for her. Some months ago, I told her I have a crush on her and she was initially receptive and said it was mutual, but then changed her mind the next day and said nothing could happen. But though I still have feelings, now it's a lot less intense because of her behavior. And besides the crush, I genuinely want to be a good friend to her, even if nothing romantic comes out of it. It's just very hard, because I also know that this is something that has to come from her. It's not my job to save/fix her and I don't want to compromise my mental health, either. I just wish I knew how to act so she doesn't push me even further away. Thank you for the replies.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jan 4, 2024 2:39:31 GMT
Do you really want to be just friends? Or are you hoping if you show unwavering support it may grow into more? I'd say, don't dismiss her saying that you don't know her. In a situation like this, it generally means one of two things, possibly both. Either (one) she feels you're projecting onto her, and projection can indeed happen if you have anxious attachment, even if it's unintentional. Or (two) she's putting on a facade in some way to the people around her because that's what she learned to do earlier in life. If it's two, you cannot just get through that wall by being supportive, because it's probably a trauma response. Which is for her to hold onto or not. A facade like that comes from an inherent distrust of others that isn't based on anything the others are doing. If you want to be just friends, know that even if she cares you'll always be at arm's length because she has intimacy issues, and it's tough to try to lean on someone for support, help, fulfillment, whatever, whom you can't trust. And you can't trust someone who doesn't trust other people. If it is the second one, that doesn't mean she's a bad person, but it means she can't provide what you're looking for. So why dwell on a friendship with such a big imbalance? As tnr9 suggested, that's a real question to ask yourself, not a rhetorical one. As far as what you can do, can you have a casual friendship with her that won't stop you from forging strong connections with other people? Like, perhaps she can be someone you go out and socialize with for fun, but you would not call in an emergency. If I'm being honest, I do have feelings for her. Some months ago, I told her I have a crush on her and she was initially receptive and said it was mutual, but then changed her mind the next day and said nothing could happen. But though I still have feelings, now it's a lot less intense because of her behavior. And besides the crush, I genuinely want to be a good friend to her, even if nothing romantic comes out of it. It's just very hard, because I also know that this is something that has to come from her. It's not my job to save/fix her and I don't want to compromise my mental health, either. I just wish I knew how to act so she doesn't push me even further away. Thank you for the replies.
There really isn’t anything you can do because her pulling away is about her trauma responses…her internal nervous system. It likely is not a direct result of “you” per se…she would exhibit the same reactions with others. The best thing you can do is to work on your own insecurities…not for her….but for yourself. 🙂 |
|
|
|
Post by introvert on Jan 4, 2024 17:31:15 GMT
If you have to walk on eggshells to stay in someone's good graces, you are in a very miserable situation. Do you want to twist yourself into a tiny little frazzled strand of a human being so this person won't reject you more than she already has? You're being actively ignored in spite of your best twisting and fraying. There isn't something better ahead, believe that.
This is toxic stuff, no matter what is going on in her head, it spells misery for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by gregmc on Jan 4, 2024 18:08:31 GMT
If you have to walk on eggshells to stay in someone's good graces, you are in a very miserable situation. Do you want to twist yourself into a tiny little frazzled strand of a human being so this person won't reject you more than she already has? You're being actively ignored in spite of your best twisting and fraying. There isn't something better ahead, believe that. This is toxic stuff, no matter what is going on in her head, it spells misery for you. Thank you for this, I needed to read it. I'm just so attached to her that the thought of losing my connection with her is very scary, even though I know it's not a healthy friendship. And you are absolutely right, tnr9. I need to sort out my codependent tendencies, that's for sure. |
|
|
|
Post by cherrycola on Jan 4, 2024 18:45:41 GMT
She's admitted to me that sometimes she pretends not to care about me and tends to ignore me when we're with other friends because she doesn't want me to lose (platonic) interest in her; she also said she often tests people to see if they truly care about her (I suspect pushing them away is how she does this). She's also constantly saying that I don't truly know her (even though I think I do know her a bit?) I've always supported her and I try to be there for her when she needs it, but last week we had a conversation that was more focused on how she works (that she started) where I told her I don't feel ignored by her and that I will accept her for who she is, avoidant behavior included. This was the last time we talked before she went home for the holidays and I feel like she's been avoiding me ever since. She didn't text me once during this past week and didn't even wish me a happy new year. She's also been ignoring my messages in a group chat we have in common with other friends. As a recovered BPD I thought I would weigh in. She is definitely more on the FA spectrum than anything. But also, as others have pointed out this is toxic. From my experience, accepting and tolerant is the last thing you should be doing here. When I was younger I would get bored of / lose respect for people who would let me walk all over them. I had no boundaries of my own so I needed people to set boundaries. You can bet there were people I WOULD NEVER play those games with, because I risked losing that relationship. I really only got along with people who were more on the dismissive avoidant end of things / as emotionally unavailable as I was. I am also going to say there is a third reason why someone may say "you don't know me" it's when we are pretty self aware that we are emotionally unavailable and as a result we don't always treat others as well as we should. I used to often feel like a monster. Over the years I have had people come into my life who seem to be projecting onto me this amazing awesome person and I don't see her. Those same people tended to be anxious and a bit clingy. They always wanted more (closeness, time, friendship) then I was willing to offer them. These relationships always ended poorly as I couldn't meet their expectations, and usually they got mad about some other emotionally unavailable person getting all my time and attention. So my advice, stop accepting the toxic behavior. Seems she is at least partly self aware, so there is at least a chance she will shape up. If she doesn't then you know where she stands and you haven't really lost anything as this is not a healthy friendship as it stands. Though from your post this may be a challenge for you to uphold your own boundaries. It tends to be pretty clunky at first when we start to do this. |
|
