Post by alexandra on Mar 6, 2024 19:12:32 GMT
I was going to say you're doing the FA/FA dance that two FAs typically do together just by the second paragraph of your post, but then you popped this in at the end. Those additional diagnoses make her FA style basically like it's on steroids.
You have your answer already and don't need to spend your time focusing on her behavior, as it only creates an excuse to avoid your own issues and pain. She has some very serious mental health issues to manage, and she's told you she's not interested in a romantic relationship with you. This does not mean she doesn't care about you, but it does mean you're never going to have a secure or healthy functioning romantic relationship together. What you've already been through with her over the last couple years is how the dynamic will continue, that is your relationship together at this point. One of you will cycle anxious and push the other avoidant, then once the person swinging avoidant has space they will come back more anxious kicking off reconnection and then someone swinging avoidant again (whether that's you or her), rinse and repeat.
People with FA are often more susceptible to getting into toxic dynamics with people with personality disorders than other attachment styles are (though all insecures may choose toxic partners), because the chaotic upbringing that results in an FA style developing primes you for putting up with chaos and it feeling more familiar and comfortable as an adult, often triggering overwhelm that feels like chemistry and attraction, at least until you do more work to confront your own issues.
I think you're rationalizing wanting to stay attached and hopeful with her, as it allows you to fixate on someone emotionally unavailable to you, which on some level feels safe and allows you to avoid stronger or more serious connections with partners who could be a better match for you. Because serious commitment is often scary for insecure attachers, and two emotionally unavailable people together means getting distracted by on and off drama and never truly having to get to deeper commitment. So I'm sorry if that's not what you were hoping to hear, but I'd recommend staying in no contact with her indefinitely while you focus on confronting your own issues, because you deserve better than someone who runs away at the smallest sign of a growing connection and who can't meet your needs. But you may have to get to a better mindset yourself to feel comfortable with you having needs and deserving to be with someone who can meet them, while you also meet theirs, because believing you deserve that is commonly tough for all insecure attachers.