Post by happydaze on Mar 25, 2024 3:04:18 GMT
I (FA) finally ended with NC my long distance, anxious-avoidant relationship with an incredible woman who loved me unlike anyone has loved me before. This was on and off for about three years, half in person. Began right after divorce when the powder kegs were piled high. BOOM!
I still feel love for her in my heart. I admire her, respect her, delight in her. We had an intense, cosmic enmeshment and breathtaking chemistry in person. Shared many interests, etc. My heart leaps when I remember her voice and see photos of her.
But the long distance coupled with the anxious-avoidant dance broke me...I just couldn't take it after so much on and off, me disconnecting each time she was gone. In hindsight, I realize I rarely felt total peace around her except during our cosmic embraces, or when I had a drink or two.
When it finally ended, I blossomed in my healing. Like major leaps within weeks, and am undeniably happier and in a better place. I can say I am a better person now.
IT HURTS to say that because this woman was amazing and brilliant, so deeply loving and giving, no negative energy. She was willing to take me back as many times as it would take and work with me on my healing. I cannot fault her except to say her anxious side bothered me, and sometimes really bothered me.
I am terrified that all this happiness and security I am feeling now is because I escaped the demands of a mature, loving relationship.
What's to say that when I enter a new relationship that it won't end up in the exact same place?
A few months later, I had my first "ask her out" date in decades.
The contrast of my experience with this new woman to my ex is surreal.
There are no cosmic collisions, hardly a spark. Just two people getting to know each other, happily discovering our common interests. Easy fun, zero negative energy, flirting in slow motion.
I feel peace and tranquillity when I am with her, as if I am sitting at home with an old friend.
After date two, when she gave me a deeper and longer hug than I expected, it felt wonderful but triggered an alarm: Uh oh, she likes me. This might be becoming serious. I could get hurt, she could get hurt. Etc.
But I am now in the habit of confronting these feelings rationally, picking them up by the scruff of the neck and countering them with truth and wisdom. It didn't take me long to overcome them and just enjoy the afterglow.
I have caught myself once or twice trying pull her in too fast, but I have pressed the brakes and am just enjoying this casual, let-it-flow dating.
This is such a vivid contrast to my prior relationship that I almost feel like a different person. Me 2.0 or something.
If we grow closer, I know these feelings will strike again. But at this pace, with my self-talk and reflection, I don't think that's going to be a problem so long as it flows naturally at a measured pace.
I cannot imagine this new woman and I blasting to the moon with our chemistry and creating new galaxies with our kisses. What I can imagine is myself spending two hours watching a movie we both like while cuddling and holding hands and occasionally smiling at each other. That sounds cosmic to me in a delightfully earthy way.
But a terrible question must be asked: I am going to end up in the same place, typing a similar post to this one in a year or two, wondering what when wrong with my tranquil, easy, natural relationship with this new woman?
My ex said as much, and pleaded with me to get into therapy to avoid doing this to someone else.
What do I do? Run away? Shrug? Avoid? Embrace?
