Post by summer on Jan 5, 2018 20:57:40 GMT
This is the best description I've seen yet of the dysfunctional union between APs (here referred to as "Love Addicts") and DAs (here referred to as "Love Avoidants").
12 Common Distancing Strategies Love Avoidants Use To Evade Intimacy In Romantic Relationships:
Examine the following list of Distancing Strategies (whether single or in a relationship) used by Love Avoidants to avoid intimate connection. The more you experience your partner utilizing one or more of these tactics, the less fullfilled, and more alone you will feel in your relationship.
1) Avoiding physical closeness— avoiding sex, or severely reducing sexual contact; eluding physical affection; avoiding proximity/closeness: (e.g., hugging, kissing, holding hands, sitting close; avoiding sharing the same bed; walks ahead or behind, etc.); also may retreat when affection is offered.
2) Refusal to make commitment— makes assorted statements to shun commiting to a relationship, “I’m not ready for commitment,” “I’m no good at relationships,” or “I never have good relationships”, all the while engaging in a monogamous relationship, sometimes for years; (relationship looks/appears like a committed relationship).
3) Avoids verbalizing “I love you”— avoids saying “I love you”, while simultaneously asserting feelings towards the other; makes excuses as to why he/she can’t or won’t say, ”I love you"; may say something like, “You know how I feel, why should I have to say it."
4) Sabotages when things are going well — when relationship seems to be going well, he/she sabotages or disrupts it in some way; e.g., starts arguments; suddenly acts angry or resentful; becomes passive-aggressive; doesn't keep agreements; doesn't call back; becomes overly demanding, controlling arrrogant; becomes hostile, defensive, or reactive for no apparent reason; creates unnecessary drama, etc.)
5) Cheats or has affairs— establishes a sexual, romantic, or emotional relationship with another person; creates relationship with people who are unavailable (e.g., married or already in a committed romantic relationship).
6) Refuses to resolve conflicts; communicate— refuses to discuss relational problems or resolve, negotiate conflicts; rebuffs sharing his/her internal or external stressors; withholds feelings, thoughts, wants or needs.
7) Criticizes or devalues— partner becomes the “enemy”; focuses on partners flaws or imperfections; makes belittling observations (e.g., comments on way partner talks, dresses, eats, looks, or (fill in the blank); finds fault/blames partner for any current or ongoing issues); displays a negative attitude of resentment, revulsion, or dislike; disparaging comments on traits he/she found to be positive in recent past; devalues, despite partners genuine effort of being open, loving, honest, caring, supportive, etc.
8) Pines for past relationship (ex-girlfriend/boyfriend)— talks or thinks about a past relationship partner with a sense of craving, nostalgia, yearning, or longing for “the long lost love”; may make statements about great qualities of an ex-flame, all the while ignoring/minimizing ex’s imperfections that, in reality, what avoidant focused on in past relationship; convinces self that he/she was “the best partner I ever had”; may also dream of “the one perfect partner” who is “out there somewhere”.* This defense may seem absurd (it is). Yet, in the Avoidants mind, this defense justifies that “I’m okay and not the problem, my partner (current) is the problem” … to them, it is perfectly rational to keep a current partner at arm’s length and make him/her seem unimportant by comparison. It also sends a message that the avoidant partner “actually craves or is capable of intimacy." Don’t buy it!– dreaming of an ideal partner or ruminating about a past relationship doesn’t mean the avoidant is capable of real intimacy; the truth is in fact, they drive it away; and would do so in any romantic relationship they get in.
9) Flirting with others— frequently leads on, flirts, teases, or plays with other/'s seemingly potential partners or “flings” (with little or no consideration of current partners feelings) - a tactic to send a conscious or unconscious message that “I’m always on the lookout for another, you’re not that important to me”-- no doubt, this is an emotionally abusive and callous act to make a partner feel insecure, anxious, and self-doubting. As goes one quote, “Flirting is the Art of Keeping Distance at a Safe Distance."
10) Emotionally “checks out” of relationship— spends lots of time away from partner; displays disinterest about partner’s daily life, concerns, thoughts, views, or feelings; rarely initiates conversations and/or cuts them short; indifferent, aloof, and unconcerned attitudes; ignores or minimizes sincere caring and loving acts/behaviors by partner; exhibits a posture such as, “you’re not that important to me”, “I have more important things to do with my time”, or “Don’t bother me."
11) Keeps Secrets — withholds important information from partner (e.g., won’t tell how money is spent; doesn’t share what he/she is doing with their time , or persons they spent time with when away; conceals important feelings, thoughts, or views); shares information in ways which leaves things unclear, vague, or ambiguous; may keep secrets from close family members, friends, etc. about personal or relational matters. This defense is to maintain an entrenched desire to be independent and self-reliant (all Avoidants have) * Healthy/secure relationships involve inter-dependency: a balance of independence and dependence. One extreme or the other blocks authentic interaction and intimacy, and leads to painful/unhappy relationships.
12) Focus is outside/away from relationship— creates external distractions; diverts essential time and energy away from relationship (e.g., being excessively preoccupied in work, hobbies, children, or other relationships); outside focus can be some addiction or compulsive behavior (e,g., porn, sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, gaming, etc.) -- All a sure way to disengage and avoid giving a relationship time and nourishment; guaranteeing the obstruction of intimacy.
A quintessential representation of a Love Avoidant in romantic relationships is someone who consistently maintains an emotional and mental distance from their partner. They feel overwhelmed by their partner’s desire for closeness, and feel stifled at any thoughts or pressures of vulnerability-- and rely on an escape route, through distancing strategies.
For the Love Avoidant, distancing strategies make sense, as they are very effective at keeping themselves emotionally walled up and disengaged in a romantic relationship. Yet, using distancing strategies is very ineffective at creating a loving, happy relationship- for both partners.
Love Avoidants fear of intimacy, vulnerability, and closeness is recurrent and pervasive. They are afraid to genuinely love another and to be loved by another. Intimacy is their foe.
The more the Love Addict pursues, the more the Avoidant distances. So try and try as you may, put all your effort and energy you want to feel connected, valued, reassured, and loved by a Love Avoidant partner... and still, you have a fearful/insecure partner pushing you further away, and who by the way, will inevitably see you as the problem to their unhappiness-- Don’t ever accept this.
Never ever, take on blame or accept responsibility for what is not yours. A Love Avoidant does not just enter a relationship and suddenly become this way. Who you are isn't the cause. Sorry, you just don’t have that much power to “make” someone behave and act this way. They have unresolved issues, and you cannot rescue them, nor are you responsible for them. This is who they were before you met; and who they will continue to be, whether you're with them or not. It is not you - none of their junk is about you.
One more thing... Just because you’ve felt intense chemistry, attraction, euphoria, and excitement with someone who is Love Avoidant– doesn’t mean it is love!
STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU FEEL AS IF YOU ARE HARD TO LOVE.
12 Common Distancing Strategies Love Avoidants Use To Evade Intimacy In Romantic Relationships:
Examine the following list of Distancing Strategies (whether single or in a relationship) used by Love Avoidants to avoid intimate connection. The more you experience your partner utilizing one or more of these tactics, the less fullfilled, and more alone you will feel in your relationship.
1) Avoiding physical closeness— avoiding sex, or severely reducing sexual contact; eluding physical affection; avoiding proximity/closeness: (e.g., hugging, kissing, holding hands, sitting close; avoiding sharing the same bed; walks ahead or behind, etc.); also may retreat when affection is offered.
2) Refusal to make commitment— makes assorted statements to shun commiting to a relationship, “I’m not ready for commitment,” “I’m no good at relationships,” or “I never have good relationships”, all the while engaging in a monogamous relationship, sometimes for years; (relationship looks/appears like a committed relationship).
3) Avoids verbalizing “I love you”— avoids saying “I love you”, while simultaneously asserting feelings towards the other; makes excuses as to why he/she can’t or won’t say, ”I love you"; may say something like, “You know how I feel, why should I have to say it."
4) Sabotages when things are going well — when relationship seems to be going well, he/she sabotages or disrupts it in some way; e.g., starts arguments; suddenly acts angry or resentful; becomes passive-aggressive; doesn't keep agreements; doesn't call back; becomes overly demanding, controlling arrrogant; becomes hostile, defensive, or reactive for no apparent reason; creates unnecessary drama, etc.)
5) Cheats or has affairs— establishes a sexual, romantic, or emotional relationship with another person; creates relationship with people who are unavailable (e.g., married or already in a committed romantic relationship).
6) Refuses to resolve conflicts; communicate— refuses to discuss relational problems or resolve, negotiate conflicts; rebuffs sharing his/her internal or external stressors; withholds feelings, thoughts, wants or needs.
7) Criticizes or devalues— partner becomes the “enemy”; focuses on partners flaws or imperfections; makes belittling observations (e.g., comments on way partner talks, dresses, eats, looks, or (fill in the blank); finds fault/blames partner for any current or ongoing issues); displays a negative attitude of resentment, revulsion, or dislike; disparaging comments on traits he/she found to be positive in recent past; devalues, despite partners genuine effort of being open, loving, honest, caring, supportive, etc.
8) Pines for past relationship (ex-girlfriend/boyfriend)— talks or thinks about a past relationship partner with a sense of craving, nostalgia, yearning, or longing for “the long lost love”; may make statements about great qualities of an ex-flame, all the while ignoring/minimizing ex’s imperfections that, in reality, what avoidant focused on in past relationship; convinces self that he/she was “the best partner I ever had”; may also dream of “the one perfect partner” who is “out there somewhere”.* This defense may seem absurd (it is). Yet, in the Avoidants mind, this defense justifies that “I’m okay and not the problem, my partner (current) is the problem” … to them, it is perfectly rational to keep a current partner at arm’s length and make him/her seem unimportant by comparison. It also sends a message that the avoidant partner “actually craves or is capable of intimacy." Don’t buy it!– dreaming of an ideal partner or ruminating about a past relationship doesn’t mean the avoidant is capable of real intimacy; the truth is in fact, they drive it away; and would do so in any romantic relationship they get in.
9) Flirting with others— frequently leads on, flirts, teases, or plays with other/'s seemingly potential partners or “flings” (with little or no consideration of current partners feelings) - a tactic to send a conscious or unconscious message that “I’m always on the lookout for another, you’re not that important to me”-- no doubt, this is an emotionally abusive and callous act to make a partner feel insecure, anxious, and self-doubting. As goes one quote, “Flirting is the Art of Keeping Distance at a Safe Distance."
10) Emotionally “checks out” of relationship— spends lots of time away from partner; displays disinterest about partner’s daily life, concerns, thoughts, views, or feelings; rarely initiates conversations and/or cuts them short; indifferent, aloof, and unconcerned attitudes; ignores or minimizes sincere caring and loving acts/behaviors by partner; exhibits a posture such as, “you’re not that important to me”, “I have more important things to do with my time”, or “Don’t bother me."
11) Keeps Secrets — withholds important information from partner (e.g., won’t tell how money is spent; doesn’t share what he/she is doing with their time , or persons they spent time with when away; conceals important feelings, thoughts, or views); shares information in ways which leaves things unclear, vague, or ambiguous; may keep secrets from close family members, friends, etc. about personal or relational matters. This defense is to maintain an entrenched desire to be independent and self-reliant (all Avoidants have) * Healthy/secure relationships involve inter-dependency: a balance of independence and dependence. One extreme or the other blocks authentic interaction and intimacy, and leads to painful/unhappy relationships.
12) Focus is outside/away from relationship— creates external distractions; diverts essential time and energy away from relationship (e.g., being excessively preoccupied in work, hobbies, children, or other relationships); outside focus can be some addiction or compulsive behavior (e,g., porn, sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, gaming, etc.) -- All a sure way to disengage and avoid giving a relationship time and nourishment; guaranteeing the obstruction of intimacy.
A quintessential representation of a Love Avoidant in romantic relationships is someone who consistently maintains an emotional and mental distance from their partner. They feel overwhelmed by their partner’s desire for closeness, and feel stifled at any thoughts or pressures of vulnerability-- and rely on an escape route, through distancing strategies.
For the Love Avoidant, distancing strategies make sense, as they are very effective at keeping themselves emotionally walled up and disengaged in a romantic relationship. Yet, using distancing strategies is very ineffective at creating a loving, happy relationship- for both partners.
Love Avoidants fear of intimacy, vulnerability, and closeness is recurrent and pervasive. They are afraid to genuinely love another and to be loved by another. Intimacy is their foe.
The more the Love Addict pursues, the more the Avoidant distances. So try and try as you may, put all your effort and energy you want to feel connected, valued, reassured, and loved by a Love Avoidant partner... and still, you have a fearful/insecure partner pushing you further away, and who by the way, will inevitably see you as the problem to their unhappiness-- Don’t ever accept this.
Never ever, take on blame or accept responsibility for what is not yours. A Love Avoidant does not just enter a relationship and suddenly become this way. Who you are isn't the cause. Sorry, you just don’t have that much power to “make” someone behave and act this way. They have unresolved issues, and you cannot rescue them, nor are you responsible for them. This is who they were before you met; and who they will continue to be, whether you're with them or not. It is not you - none of their junk is about you.
One more thing... Just because you’ve felt intense chemistry, attraction, euphoria, and excitement with someone who is Love Avoidant– doesn’t mean it is love!
STAY AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU FEEL AS IF YOU ARE HARD TO LOVE.
:
and support the healing of others as well 
(((( and have a physiciological response.