lucy
New Member
Posts: 30 
|
Post by lucy on Jan 14, 2018 9:32:23 GMT
When I first met my DA I learned he had a 14yr old daughter, which didnt bother me. He speaks highly of her. And after 8months relationship I still was never introduced to her, though I sometimes said (never pushed) I would like to meet her. She lives with him part time, so he always used to be completely unavailable to me, whenever he was with her. He would fully devote himself to his daughter and take her on outings a lot. He once told me she was like a drug to him. Me on the other hand he kept at a distance, making excuses to see me little. It hurt as he'd spend every 2nd weekend with his daughter, being so understanding to her needs and wishes, yet mine he couldnt grasp. I dont understand! On 'my' weekends he'd be always busy. I couldnt even get him to go for a short walk together in the last 4months of our relationship. In a way I feel if he was dismissave with everyone I would have coped better. I always said myself his daughter comes first, but it was hard to see him treating her like a Queen and me like...well, nothing important.
His messages always used to be different wether he was with her or not. And if she was away from him for longer periods he would get closer to me. Same time if he had seen her for 2weeks in a row, he would be very distant to me.
I was a very understanding and patient partner and gave him lots of space. How can you be so different to two people so close to you?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2018 12:22:21 GMT
When I first met my DA I learned he had a 14yr old daughter, which didnt bother me. He speaks highly of her. And after 8months relationship I still was never introduced to her, though I sometimes said (never pushed) I would like to meet her. She lives with him part time, so he always used to be completely unavailable to me, whenever he was with her. He would fully devote himself to his daughter and take her on outings a lot. He once told me she was like a drug to him. Me on the other hand he kept at a distance, making excuses to see me little. It hurt as he'd spend every 2nd weekend with his daughter, being so understanding to her needs and wishes, yet mine he couldnt grasp. I dont understand! On 'my' weekends he'd be always busy. I couldnt even get him to go for a short walk together in the last 4months of our relationship. In a way I feel if he was dismissave with everyone I would have coped better. I always said myself his daughter comes first, but it was hard to see him treating her like a Queen and me like...well, nothing important. His messages always used to be different wether he was with her or not. And if she was away from him for longer periods he would get closer to me. Same time if he had seen her for 2weeks in a row, he would be very distant to me. I was a very understanding and patient partner and gave him lots of space. How can you be so different to two people so close to you? Mine has young kids whom he proclaims he would give his life for them and he really tries to meet their needs and be there for them. I feel that it’s because he is in protector mode and is able to give freely because that is his children, of which they have no choice in that matter. He is able to give freely because their needs are not negotiable in the sense that they are “children” and that is simply how children are. Their neediness is not tied to being manipulative, but simply being children. It’s easy to give when they don’t deem they’re being cornered into it. I think. |
|
|
|
Post by abolish on Jan 14, 2018 13:09:51 GMT
.
|
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jan 14, 2018 19:15:20 GMT
I experienced something similar.
I think that an avoidant can use anything to feel protected against intimacy - relationship to kids, pets, work, hobbies. It all serves to create distance often unconciously.
My ex also had a 14 year old daughter who's needs he put above anyone elses' - or so it appeared. Interestingly when I spent time with them both, she told me she felt he loved his dog more than her, that although he seemed to be present for her he was almost always emotionally checked out - present in body but not in mind. Work always came before both of us - as did avoiding conflict of any sort. I really feel for his daughter - she is spoilt horribly, is allowed to do pretty much whatever she likes but without the consistent boundaries that good parenting requires. She is horribly unhappy, discontented and lonely.
|
|
lucy
New Member
Posts: 30
|
Post by lucy on Jan 14, 2018 22:24:02 GMT
I experienced something similar. I think that an avoidant can use anything to feel protected against intimacy - relationship to kids, pets, work, hobbies. It all serves to create distance often unconciously. My ex also had a 14 year old daughter who's needs he put above anyone elses' - or so it appeared. Interestingly when I spent time with them both, she told me she felt he loved his dog more than her, that although he seemed to be present for her he was almost always emotionally checked out - present in body but not in mind. Work always came before both of us - as did avoiding conflict of any sort. I really feel for his daughter - she is spoilt horribly, is allowed to do pretty much whatever she likes but without the consistent boundaries that good parenting requires. She is horribly unhappy, discontented and lonely. I would have very much liked to meet his daughter. Still do. Would like to know how she feels about their relationship. We only broke up a few weeks ago. And I am still in love with him. Dont mind he has a daughter. But I would like to be part of their lives. Not to push in. But to least occasionally join them. Also I used to think it would be easier for him not having to seperate us so much...but guess thats all part of the avoidance thing anyway sadly |
|
|
|
Post by abolish on Jan 17, 2018 18:20:39 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by ocarina on Jan 17, 2018 20:15:40 GMT
*Interestingly, a love avoidant with children does not fear emotionally connecting with their children. They feel safe and are not at risk of being known, vulnerable, and authentic with their children- since children are powerless and cannot abandon, reject, shame, or control them. What's more, some love avoidant parents can be too vulnerable and enmeshed- becoming love addicts in relation to their children" This quote is from www.loveaddictionhelp.com/signs_your_partner_is_love_avoidant |
|
lucy
New Member
Posts: 30
|
Post by lucy on Jan 17, 2018 21:42:26 GMT
Thanks Ocarina. I did wonder if with daughter my ex feels like he can be freely himself, so theere are no intimacy issues therefore he is able to feel so close to her. He once said he never knew what unconditional love was until she was born. Its sad that he cant feel as secure with me. He said he has trust issues due to things in the past, which I understand. But I pointed out that I have been nothing but supportive and trustworthy for over 8months. I feel I could be that way for another decade it wouldnt make a difference unless he decides himself he wants to trust/be close. However you want to put it.
|
|
