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Post by yasmin on Jan 20, 2018 19:41:30 GMT
Welcome to the forum and sorry about your breakup  My honest advice is not to reach out and to take it as a breakup. If anyone reaches out it should be him. He night be avoidant but I think whether avoidant or not that if someone wants to breakup then you have to accept it and move on. I know how hard tgat can be and how much you don't want to hear this advice but my experience in every relationship I've ever had is that people only ever come back if you let them go. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 20, 2018 20:41:41 GMT
Oh..."the friend" thing....that is where I supposedly am with my ex(full disclosure...I don't know what his attachment style is). At first, I thought it was at least a decent move to "stay connected" but it has been really confusing. I agree with Yasmin...let him be the one to initiate contact again. I am sorry you had to go through this but it sounds like you are able to see that it truly isn't about you....it is about whatever is going n inside of him...and you cannot change, fix or undo that. Welcome to the boards.
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raco
Junior Member
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Post by raco on Jan 21, 2018 1:07:52 GMT
He sent me the following email: "I am sorry that you are unclear about where I stand in regards to our relationship. In our last in-person conversation, I thought you told me that if you didn't hear anything by New Year's, you would take it as a sign to move on, but apparently I heard/remember that wrong. You ex has a point here. Breaking up via email is sure a lack of manners, but your ex agreed to see you in person and talk, and when you were together, you made this kind of agreement with him about moving on in case you didn't hear from him. He was even willing to clarify things when it appeared that they were unclear for you, and apparently he chose his words carefully in order not to sound rude (I don't think he really believed it when he wrote "apparently I heard/remember that wrong"). He even expressed that he's been "agonizing over how to say this without it sounding like break-up 2.0". Apparently, he cared about doing things right even though it was very difficult for him. So it doesn't seem too bad for a breakup by an avoidant. He probably deserved a reply to his last two emails, even only a few words to acknowledge his message and wish him the best. It may be too late now, I don't know. If I was your ex, I think I'd be glad to receive a response, even with some delay. He sent a second message to you after you ignored the first, so I guess he would prefer to get a response. So I would answer "yes" to your first question, but only to be polite to him (and maybe to show him that it's worth making some efforts to respect his partners when breaking up, even if it's hard for him), not to try to get back together with him. Don't be too sad, you can not lose something that doesn't exist, and it's likely that your ex can not offer a long term relationship to anyone. He can certainly offer a few months of a good relationship, and you got that. But you didn't lose what would have come next, because there was nothing to come. |
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Post by scheme00 on Jan 21, 2018 1:38:54 GMT
Leave him alone and don't contact him anymore. He has communicated the best way he can thatbits done so let it be done. Through your post it sounds like you wanted to know where things stood and explained like it was cool going slow but your words to him showed otherwise. Even to me who is secure/ap I don't like having so many serious talks. When someone pushes you away let them go until they come back. Just my two cents.
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Post by summer on Jan 21, 2018 4:05:16 GMT
This fellow doesn't have the skill set for a relationship. He can bring it for a few months, but then once the demands for actual intimacy and really getting to know each other set in, he checks out. Other terms for this kind of person are "emotionally unavailable" and "commitment phobia." I guess the clinical term would be "avoidant attachment style."
You did nothing wrong. You were incredibly patient with this man, but the truth is that he has a crippling fear of intimacy and there is no way that you could have managed things differently so that he would stay with you and keep being the awesome guy of the first few months. So please don't second guess yourself or beat yourself up. The hard part now is accepting that you got involved with someone like this, and then letting him go emotionally.
I believe you are still holding onto hope that somehow, some way, you can still have a relationship with him, but he is damaged, and needs to work out his issues around intimacy with a LOT of therapy. As time passed, you were getting to know the real him - the him with all the baggage, not just the Prince Charming of the beginning. He is a man who comes with about 14 suitcases worth of baggage. He is not boyfriend or husband material for this reason.
I can completely understand why you were blindsided when he sent that email, and acted so cold about getting together. Yes, you said that you would likely move on by New Years if you hadn't heard from him, but this was just something to say in an awkward situation. You no doubt wanted it to be true, and wanted to present yourself as cool and detached during the breakup talk (round 1), and for him not to see you as clingy or desperate or waiting around on him. But in truth, you were still smitten with him and still hoping that he would come around. Your heart was still very much in it, so it seemed totally appropriate to you to send that email (which, by the way, was a totally normal thing to do given the circumstances). This man has behaved in a very confusing way, full of mixed messages, so you really didn't know where you stood with him, and the email you sent was intended to find out.
IMO you should just not reply to Mr. Avoidant, and do your best to move on. Easier said than done I know, but this guy just isn't going to be able to offer you a real relationship. Accepting that, and looking elsewhere for love, is what you now have in front of you, and I wish you much luck. You can do it.
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My honest advice is not to reach out and to take it as a breakup. If anyone reaches out it should be him. He night be avoidant but I think whether avoidant or not that if someone wants to breakup then you have to accept it and move on. I know how hard tgat can be and how much you don't want to hear this advice but my experience in every relationship I've ever had is that people only ever come back if you let them go. 
