How to make my DA feel safe enough to continue
Jan 27, 2018 20:43:40 GMT
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Post by madamebovary on Jan 27, 2018 20:43:40 GMT
Fair Warning: long post.
tl;dr: How can I let my DA know that I’m a safe person after making several classic AP mistakes with him?
LONG VERSION:
Hello all. This forum has been so helpful so far, but I haven’t been able to find the specific answer I’m looking for yet.
So, my DA friend and I have been “hanging out” for 9 months now. It has been very up and down, hot and cold, the entire time. We live a couple hours away and neither one of us are interested in a real, heavy relationship yet, as we are both coming out of divorces. He is a workaholic DA with two small children (he cares for part-time) who has had a lot of relationship problems (losing friends and lovers), due to his avoidant issues, in the past. I am AP with two college age children (so much more time on my hands), coming out of a 20+ year marriage to an emotionally unavailable workaholic with some avoidant issues (not the same degree as my “friend”). My husband and I had a very good working relationship but I could never count on him for the intimacy I craved. Eventually I learned to get it from other people (friends, family, etc). My ex was always very perfunctory and serious with sex. That’s the essential background.
So, I meet this man, my DA “friend.” We hit it off immediately but understand that neither of us are in a place to give 100% of each other and both commit to the idea of our respective families always coming first. He is also adamant that his job comes before me. Fine. We sleep together. It’s amazing. He is emotionally connected and open and beautiful for the first two days when we are alone together. When I leave, he goes radio silent for several days. I am totally confused (not knowing he’s DA yet). My AP characteristics start getting very triggered (I never realized how bad they were with my 20 year ex as we had settled into a very comfortable working relationship). I literally feel despair at the thought of finally finding someone I feel very emotionally connected to and maybe having messed it up.
Fast forward through the months, we have a pattern of getting together once or twice a month, having an AMAZING time physically, when we are together, but then right afterward, he will go MIA for several days, I will freak out, he will pull inward and I will push at him, trying to get him to open up. All this time I still haven’t put together the avoidant/anxious situation we are stuck in. Each time we get back together and connect, he seems a little less invested. Which makes me a little more sad and crazy (what am I doing wrong?). He never says he wants to break it off, as a matter of fact, when pushed, he always says he loves me. He just never acts like he wants to talk to me or see me. What?
About a week or so ago, I finally said “I’m not sure I can keep doing this.” We hadn’t seen each other since mid-December and he never texts and when I do, I can tell he’s annoyed. He tells me he’s not surprised, he knew this was harder on me than him, but also says he doesn’t feel like he did anything to warrant this. He says I always made everything about me and could never see that he was too busy with work to stop everything and deal with me. He wishes we could have worked it out but undertstands. I was sad and said this isn’t what I wanted, I felt like I was doing something he wanted to do (breaking up) that he just couldn’t. I then said I would still like to see him and would be willing to back off, so I will leave him alone for several weeks and then check in and see if we could meet up again after that.
After reading through several books and this forum since then, I realize that, for a DA, he actually has put himself on the line emotionally several times for me (he openly says “I love you”, he’s very open physically, he would make an effort to text me back, very small texts, but he still made an effort) and because my AP side was so triggered, *I* was pushing him so much, and prodding and being so annoying. I know this now.
I’m supposed to be leaving him alone for another week or so. We’ve been NC for a week. I did screw up and text “I miss you”, he texted “I miss you too” but when I did that stupid AP thing of going too far and texted “but you still want a NC period?” I recieved no answer to that, so I assume the answer is yes, he wants to complete the nc period and left it. In this time, I’ve been working on myself, I’m committed to working on me and how to self-soothe. I want to make this work for both of us as I know we love each other, we just tend to trigger each other and I now see I was worse than him (before we went NC, I truly believed I was the wounded party... who doesn’t want love and intimacy in their life?... now I know I was badgering him when he was really trying and putting himself out there).
So, my question for DAs and the people that have managed to have successful relationships with them (especially other APs), when we break NC in a couple weeks... how can I make him feel safe with me again? What can I say to him/do for him that will show him I’m a safe place? I’m a safe person? I know both of our childhoods were rough and we just have these coping mechanisms that are working against us. I would hate for that to be the reason we can’t get through this because I know we both love each other and physically, I’ve never been with someone that is so perfect with me in person.
Please help.
tl;dr: How can I let my DA know that I’m a safe person after making several classic AP mistakes with him?
LONG VERSION:
Hello all. This forum has been so helpful so far, but I haven’t been able to find the specific answer I’m looking for yet.
So, my DA friend and I have been “hanging out” for 9 months now. It has been very up and down, hot and cold, the entire time. We live a couple hours away and neither one of us are interested in a real, heavy relationship yet, as we are both coming out of divorces. He is a workaholic DA with two small children (he cares for part-time) who has had a lot of relationship problems (losing friends and lovers), due to his avoidant issues, in the past. I am AP with two college age children (so much more time on my hands), coming out of a 20+ year marriage to an emotionally unavailable workaholic with some avoidant issues (not the same degree as my “friend”). My husband and I had a very good working relationship but I could never count on him for the intimacy I craved. Eventually I learned to get it from other people (friends, family, etc). My ex was always very perfunctory and serious with sex. That’s the essential background.
So, I meet this man, my DA “friend.” We hit it off immediately but understand that neither of us are in a place to give 100% of each other and both commit to the idea of our respective families always coming first. He is also adamant that his job comes before me. Fine. We sleep together. It’s amazing. He is emotionally connected and open and beautiful for the first two days when we are alone together. When I leave, he goes radio silent for several days. I am totally confused (not knowing he’s DA yet). My AP characteristics start getting very triggered (I never realized how bad they were with my 20 year ex as we had settled into a very comfortable working relationship). I literally feel despair at the thought of finally finding someone I feel very emotionally connected to and maybe having messed it up.
Fast forward through the months, we have a pattern of getting together once or twice a month, having an AMAZING time physically, when we are together, but then right afterward, he will go MIA for several days, I will freak out, he will pull inward and I will push at him, trying to get him to open up. All this time I still haven’t put together the avoidant/anxious situation we are stuck in. Each time we get back together and connect, he seems a little less invested. Which makes me a little more sad and crazy (what am I doing wrong?). He never says he wants to break it off, as a matter of fact, when pushed, he always says he loves me. He just never acts like he wants to talk to me or see me. What?
About a week or so ago, I finally said “I’m not sure I can keep doing this.” We hadn’t seen each other since mid-December and he never texts and when I do, I can tell he’s annoyed. He tells me he’s not surprised, he knew this was harder on me than him, but also says he doesn’t feel like he did anything to warrant this. He says I always made everything about me and could never see that he was too busy with work to stop everything and deal with me. He wishes we could have worked it out but undertstands. I was sad and said this isn’t what I wanted, I felt like I was doing something he wanted to do (breaking up) that he just couldn’t. I then said I would still like to see him and would be willing to back off, so I will leave him alone for several weeks and then check in and see if we could meet up again after that.
After reading through several books and this forum since then, I realize that, for a DA, he actually has put himself on the line emotionally several times for me (he openly says “I love you”, he’s very open physically, he would make an effort to text me back, very small texts, but he still made an effort) and because my AP side was so triggered, *I* was pushing him so much, and prodding and being so annoying. I know this now.
I’m supposed to be leaving him alone for another week or so. We’ve been NC for a week. I did screw up and text “I miss you”, he texted “I miss you too” but when I did that stupid AP thing of going too far and texted “but you still want a NC period?” I recieved no answer to that, so I assume the answer is yes, he wants to complete the nc period and left it. In this time, I’ve been working on myself, I’m committed to working on me and how to self-soothe. I want to make this work for both of us as I know we love each other, we just tend to trigger each other and I now see I was worse than him (before we went NC, I truly believed I was the wounded party... who doesn’t want love and intimacy in their life?... now I know I was badgering him when he was really trying and putting himself out there).
So, my question for DAs and the people that have managed to have successful relationships with them (especially other APs), when we break NC in a couple weeks... how can I make him feel safe with me again? What can I say to him/do for him that will show him I’m a safe place? I’m a safe person? I know both of our childhoods were rough and we just have these coping mechanisms that are working against us. I would hate for that to be the reason we can’t get through this because I know we both love each other and physically, I’ve never been with someone that is so perfect with me in person.
Please help.
