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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2018 14:23:28 GMT
This is a very serious forum, for the most part, and i have some questions about dating that i considered posting but then i laughed out loud thinking of the advice we avoidants and AP’s would give.
I mean, it made me have a little laugh at myself.
I don’t want to trigger anyone, but can you imagine, seriously, how badly any of us could screw up a dating scenario?! Like if i took all of our advice combined and just tried to roll with it?
I do have some questions about dating but i don’t know where to go answer them haha!
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Post by kelvain on Feb 2, 2018 17:41:19 GMT
tgat, It would be really interesting to read the replies you would get! I'd say you should give it a try. Maybe we can all share a chuckle and god forbid, possibly gain a little fresh insight!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2018 18:32:58 GMT
tgat, It would be really interesting to read the replies you would get! I'd say you should give it a try. Maybe we can all share a chuckle and god forbid, possibly gain a little fresh insight! Ha ha OK! I realize that ultimately dating can be negotiated by good communication and agreements between the people involved, but i was wondering about the very first stages before a rapport is established. I don’t have a great opinion of online dating, (i should day online introduction) but do see it as a possible venue. If you’re willing to take the time and develop really good boundaries and instincts. So let’s set the scenario. A man reaches out to me and has nothing glaring in his profile to indicate serious problems or red flags. Just average sounding, positive, and attractive. He initiates contact with me in a light, conversational and friendly tone. No sexual innuendo or other weirdness. Just casual friendly messages. During the exchanges over a few days, we talk about shared interests and grandkids or something. Very brief exchanges to gauge interest. Going good. Say i have a lot going on at the moment and i know things will settle quite soon, at which point i wouldn’t mind a phone conversation to arrange a coffee meet or something light. I express that, and the agreement is mutual that that would be nice. Here is the tricky part. If i contact him when i FEEL like it, it might not happen until i have a couple things off my plate. But that’s not the point. I know that i have to keep a light contact going to maintain both my interest in getting to know him and seeing if we have enough to share to make it an asset to both of us. If i don’t stay in some kind of touch with him I know i will just let it drop off out of habit of being independent and not needing anything. So i would like to be open to the experience and put in some reasonable effort. I also know that i need to indicate to him that i have enough interest to continue, slowly, and connect in person when the time is right. Otherwise he might think i am not interested and just give up. What’s a REASONABLE amount of light contact to have leading up to an in person meet? I mean, i have to do more than is natural for me to show up reasonably i am sure. But i have no desire to develop a quick connection over text and phone and rush the meeting and be all up in this thing before i even have any idea who this guy is. It sounds so basic but seriously , this stuff is baffling to me. My avoidant hilarious and absurd answer is “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.” 😂😂😂😂😂 “I’ll have my people get in touch with your people and we’ll go from there, k?” 😂😂😂😂😍 |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2018 15:15:39 GMT
This is funny, because I have no idea what the answer is. My default is the same as yours, when I feel like it. I would probably rather meet up with him in person quickly, so not to waste too much time getting to know him before knowing if you would vibe in person? For me, it's very hard to gage attraction over the phone. But I can also see myself dragging it out, responding when I feel like it and not meeting until they ask and I can fit it in my schedule.
I think light contact would be one or two phone calls before meeting? Hopefully, you can get a poll going on here lol.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2018 15:19:42 GMT
This is funny, because I have no idea what the answer is. My default is the same as yours, when I feel like it. I would probably rather meet up with him in person quickly, so not to waste too much time getting to know him before knowing if you would vibe in person? For me, it's very hard to gage attraction over the phone. But I can also see myself dragging it out, responding when I feel like it and not meeting until they ask and I can fit it in my schedule. I think light contact would be one or two phone calls before meeting? Hopefully, you can get a poll going on here lol. haha yes i agree i would like to meet a person sooner rather than later- but timing is sometimes an issue becuase i do wear a lot of hats and am the rock of my little family. as i thought about it i realized that my level of contact would easily indicate no interest, but if i am not interested or cannot continue with someone i just tell them clearly and politely and wish them the best. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2018 15:21:34 GMT
This is funny, because I have no idea what the answer is. My default is the same as yours, when I feel like it. I would probably rather meet up with him in person quickly, so not to waste too much time getting to know him before knowing if you would vibe in person? For me, it's very hard to gage attraction over the phone. But I can also see myself dragging it out, responding when I feel like it and not meeting until they ask and I can fit it in my schedule. I think light contact would be one or two phone calls before meeting? Hopefully, you can get a poll going on here lol. mary did you get the “my people and your people “ suggestion that efficiently addresses my reserve while also meeting the “introducing people” concept? i’m such an idiot 😂 |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2018 15:38:39 GMT
This is funny, because I have no idea what the answer is. My default is the same as yours, when I feel like it. I would probably rather meet up with him in person quickly, so not to waste too much time getting to know him before knowing if you would vibe in person? For me, it's very hard to gage attraction over the phone. But I can also see myself dragging it out, responding when I feel like it and not meeting until they ask and I can fit it in my schedule. I think light contact would be one or two phone calls before meeting? Hopefully, you can get a poll going on here lol. mary did you get the “my people and your people “ suggestion that efficiently addresses my reserve while also meeting the “introducing people” concept? i’m such an idiot 😂 You're definitely not an idiot. I get it  I think it shows growth that you are thinking about this question of when to contact. I realize that contacting people when I feel like it rather than thinking about when they would like me to contact them has been really disrespectful. I never meant it to be, but I was oblivious to it. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2018 15:46:04 GMT
it is eye opening, it’s not a deliberate thing.
Remember that horrible thread about avoidants being like animals? like, the predatory type?
well i am kind of more like a little squirrel busy gathering nuts and leaping branch to branch and busying myself with squirrel behavior in my natural element. 😁
i appreciate that someone “in town” would like to share some peanuts with me, and that would be great- i just have to step outside my natural way of being and i promise i will bring some peanuts too. Working on it. Trying to find my way to your house lol. Promise me we can spend time in the woods too! 😁
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Post by kelvain on Feb 3, 2018 19:49:25 GMT
I would give it no less than 2 weeks but no more than 3. Any longer will turn a guy off and he will lose interest, especially if you're living in proximity of each other and can meet without much effort/traveling far. First meeting should be nothing more than 'coffee'...keep it short & sweet. Get in. Get out. If it went well, then it leaves him wanting more. Dinner dates can be planned after that if you're feeling it.
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