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Post by goldilocks on Feb 14, 2018 12:52:31 GMT
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-freedom-change/201802/dismissing-attachment-and-the-search-loveIf this description of the dismissing love partner approximates how you feel in your close relationships, here are some things to think about: - Recognize the pattern you are enacting, and that your emotional system is playing tricks on your conscious mind.
- Focus in on the physical sensation that you feel when your partner gets close. See if you can give it a name. The sensation is not you, after all; it is only a sensation. See if you can separate out the love feelings from the anxiety.
- Realize that the grass really isn’t greener elsewhere. Often the love you want is not far away, if not right in front of you.
- Learn to love yourself. Embrace the more tender, soft parts of your being and nurture them like you would a young child who needs your care. If you can learn to do this for yourself, you will find it easier to do for others.
If you are in love with a dismissing partner:
- Realize that he is trying to push away his own need for love... to keep closed the old wound that he thought he forgot about.
- If he starts to run away, tell him how much you care, but don’t run after him. Remember, a starving and scared dog may very much want to be rescued... but that doesn’t mean he won’t bite you.
- Make a choice: Tell him that you are not interested in being loved from a distance, and end it; you have to know your own tolerance levels, and if it hurts too much, you should leave. Or, tell him that you aren’t going anywhere, and that you are not going to do his dirty work for him. If he cannot tolerate love, he should muster up the courage to end it himself; in other words, “put up or shut up.” Make sure you don't just stand in the middle, not knowing if you are coming or going; that is a very painful way to go. And learn to be a little dismissing yourself. This might feel more comfortable for him, and it’s a way that you can keep from giving all of your power away in the relationship.
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Feb 14, 2018 18:32:40 GMT
There is another article I found some time ago, about "how to take care of an avoidant partner". I am not purely avoidant myself, so I do not see if the "tips" would be welcome by an avoidant person. Perhaps you (and any avoidant who is reading) may want to take a look at it and see if it is accurate? I think it is written for people who are in a relationship with an unaware avoidant, so not everybody here may relate 100%, but still. It is based on Tatkin's nomenclature, where avoidants are called "islands", secures "anchors" and AP/FA "waves". www.austinmarriageandcouplescounseling.com/blog/the-care-and-feeding-of-your-island-avoidant-partnerTHere is also another article about opposite, the care of a "wave", useful for avoidants or secures in relationships with APs or FAs. |
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 14, 2018 19:05:09 GMT
Thanks for the link!
It's kind of disheartening to read that people become more extreme after marriage. Sounds like a DA/AP marriage would be hell on earth.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 20:26:17 GMT
There is another article I found some time ago, about "how to take care of an avoidant partner". I am not purely avoidant myself, so I do not see if the "tips" would be welcome by an avoidant person. Perhaps you (and any avoidant who is reading) may want to take a look at it and see if it is accurate? I think it is written for people who are in a relationship with an unaware avoidant, so not everybody here may relate 100%, but still. It is based on Tatkin's nomenclature, where avoidants are called "islands", secures "anchors" and AP/FA "waves". www.austinmarriageandcouplescounseling.com/blog/the-care-and-feeding-of-your-island-avoidant-partnerTHere is also another article about opposite, the care of a "wave", useful for avoidants or secures in relationships with APs or FAs. Not much in that article would apply to me , but maybe for others. It seems their premise is that commitment is the trigger. For me, commitment itself is not the trigger and I definitely wouldn't tolerate more closeness just because I am not committed. and if left alone too long, we would neglect ourselves? Definitely not my experience. Those are just a couple of things and there are many more in that article I wouldn't agree with. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 20:38:08 GMT
Here is my cliff note:
The mind of an avoidant is strong. I think stronger than the other styles. If you think about it, the mind of an avoidant has blocked the pain from some of the most horrific of traumas. If people think that some kind words or reassurance is going to singlehandedly change the mind of an avoidant, I think they are very naive.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 21:59:02 GMT
Here is my cliff note: The mind of an avoidant is strong. I think stronger than the other styles. If you think about it, the mind of an avoidant has blocked the pain from some of the most horrific of traumas. If people think that some kind words or reassurance is going to singlehandedly change the mind of an avoidant, I think they are very naive. True. I do think the bigger point here is that we can only do what we can to provide as good an environment as we can for our partners. Whether or not the other party responds is not up to us, but up to the avoidant. Is about providing a safe space; the same for APs. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2018 23:04:35 GMT
I have a question pertaining raising issues with each other!! How do DAs feel and react when issues are raised, and what do they consider a good conversation? I’ve raised issues with my DA, explaining to him via text, calmly and neutrally, that I noticed we have different tolerance levels for closeness and distance (watch this video! m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=d079McwlBRE). I explained that this was a fundamental difference and it was what really triggered me the past few months. I further explained that I was acting off emotions as I felt very hurt and unloved. Things have calmed down since then and I’ve been able to think with more clarity and objectivity, though this also took several conversations (which I suspect he found quite annoying as it signals that I can’t let it go, but ya that’s true). I noticed that I was much more emotionally expressive by identifying my feelings and explaining what and why I think it happened. And that for this to truly work, we need to be willing to work on things together. My DA was much less emotionally expressive, simply expressed that he feels safe with me and he is working on it, then goes on to say he sometimes thinks he’s not good enough and that work/kids are his priorities right now. I don’t quite understand what kind of response this is, and what the message is. In any case, based on past history, he would seem to think we’ve had a conversation. If it comes up, he would say we talked about this and the conclusion was xxx (in hindsight yes, but I always felt like things were left in limbo.) Is this a DA/AP pattern/difference? Are there differences to what we consider good conversations and conclusions? |
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