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Post by anne12 on May 22, 2018 12:49:22 GMT
Trauma and shame:
Choktrauma goes hand in hand with shame. In the moment of moments, you are beyond your influence, you lose your control of life. And you are therefore easily shaken in who you are. You lose the experience of managing the violent situation - or sometimes overwhelmingly, that you do not understand the body's reaction (fight / escape / freeze) or postreaction (shaking) that may be quite pronounced. They are healthy and the body's natural way to discharge shock trauma energy. This loss of control can easily give you the impression that you are not good enough that something is wrong with you that you are wrong and embarrassing. Shame is the fear of losing the connection, the fear of not belonging to the relationship. Shame is the swamp of the soul. Take a glance and find your way through. -Brené Brown Who criticizes you most? Who is the hardest of you? Other people or yourself? You are 99% of the time guaranteed yourself! Shame has 2 ways to steer you on: By criticizing you: You're not good enough, beautiful enough, intelligent enough, successful enough, rich enough, slim enough, entertaining enough, happy enough. By asking you, "Who do you think you are? What do you do by these 2 - your inner critic? Find out where the critical voice comes from Tip: Look in your childhood too. It may not be that someone has said these things to you. They may as well have been sealed to you Even though you are probably tired of the critical voice, check how it actually protected you. Originally. And now! You can be sure that its intention is positive. That it works to take care of you. Even that you can be loved. If it's possible for you, appreciate its intent and its great effort. Maybe it has worked 24/7 without holidays or just a day off If you are too angry with your inner critic to appreciate it, allow your anger. Say (you can write it on paper) to your inner critic: "I'm angry with you all the times you've said ... .." "I'm so angry, so I might want to ...." Then ask your inner critic to help you be loved and be part of the group, in a better way! Life is about really daring, it's about daring to be in the "arena" When you land in understanding - that love and affiliation, your worth is a birthright and not something that you deserve - is all possible! -Brené Brown It is important to distinguish guilt and shame There is a big difference between the two. The ability to tolerate guilt makes a world different. In fault you take responsibility for your actions. Being guilty, shame on yourself The fault is that you have done something wrong. You might say, "Sorry, I'm sorry what I did" Shame is that you are wrong. You say or think: "Sorry, I'm wrong!" Shame has a high connection with: dependencies depression aggression bullying eating disorders suicide The ability to tolerate guilt eliminates the influence of the pardon -Brené Brown Blame is uncomfortable, but one can get used to tolerating it. And it solves the influence of the shortage. Because of the blame you take responsibility for your actions. And you can change them if you want to. While at the same time, you are not wrong and untrue. The only ones who do not feel shame are those who do not have empathy, compassion and relationship skills, you who are sociopaths -Brené Brown Brené Brown: www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV06 types of people who do not deserve to hear your shame story: www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8Pp7QB6GrE3 Things You Can Do to Stop a Shame Spiral www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdtabNt4S7Ewww.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3907920/
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Post by anne12 on Jun 20, 2018 6:47:20 GMT
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Post by goldilocks on Jun 20, 2018 12:32:38 GMT
Shame is like a cancer, a tumor that grows from the injury of trauma and the wound of betrayel. Perhaps shame comes, initially, from severe scolding by a parant or teacher, along with the breaking of connection and a rupture in the fabric of trust. However, deeper more pervasive, and more hidden shame arises from a fundamental lack of having our basic needs met as babies and young children. Peter LevineI used to be ashamed of the neglect I received. Believing something was wrong with me. Maybe not born wrong but damaged. I feared others would look down om me for the damage. Knowing that I can heal, and having healed. Verifying the knowledge that I can heal has changed my perspective. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2018 15:52:25 GMT
Shame is like a cancer, a tumor that grows from the injury of trauma and the wound of betrayel. Perhaps shame comes, initially, from severe scolding by a parant or teacher, along with the breaking of connection and a rupture in the fabric of trust. However, deeper more pervasive, and more hidden shame arises from a fundamental lack of having our basic needs met as babies and young children. Peter LevineI used to be ashamed of the neglect I received. Believing something was wrong with me. Maybe not born wrong but damaged. I feared others would look down om me for the damage. Knowing that I can heal, and having healed. Verifying the knowledge that I can heal has changed my perspective. This is EXACTLY how i felt! I was ashamed of the neglect and abuse. I thought others would judge me for it. I used to think that i had to prove to others that i could overcome it- it wasn't myself i was ashamed of , it was what had been done to me, and i feared nobody could or would understand that i didn't "ask for it". I couldn't understand why it happened to me. i felt marked. Having healed, i am relaxed and accepting of it all. And, overcoming it made me strong. |
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Post by anne12 on Jul 13, 2018 7:07:22 GMT
More about shame and being open to love:
The no.1 enemy in your lovelife:
Shame makes it impossible to be open to love.
both in relation to yourself and to others. If you are ashamed, you only want to do one thing: it's disappearing and make yourself small or dissapear up in the blue sky. And therefore it is difficult at the same time, to be open to love.
Because of the feeling of guilt and especially shame, we typically develop strategies to avoid feeling that condition.
Shame can therefore be camouflaged in defense reactions.
These are common:
Closed of for emotions: superficial, maybe smiling and happy, mental / in the head
Isolation: manages things on your own, the feeling of being different in the wrong way
Excessive consumption: Food, sex, other people, games, work, alcohol, drugs, etc.
Superiority and arrogance - to cover the feeling of not being good enough.
Perhaps you think:
I'm not good enough
I am not allowed be here
It is better, if I am not not here
What's wrong with me since she/he dosen´t like me? Nobody likes me. Even though some are friendly, it's just their shape. I'm not worthy of love.."
Shame is a vulnerable field to move in.
You can crawl along the panels or you can switch over to the other side and become an exhibitionistic: By making yourself visible wherever and whenever it is possible.
It can sometimes feel like:
Icing on the inside, the body stops breathing and stiffens ...
I'm starting to look for a resort,
I want to get out!
NOW!
But no, there is no way out.
There never is.
The body pulls together and a touch of nausea is spreading.
Getting out of shame can be creepy, scary, fascinating and liberating!
Liberating as in being free to:
Be exactly who you are
Do or stop doing what you do now
Say what comes out of one's mouth - or to be quiet
Look like you do - with or without clothes
continue the list ...
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Post by anne12 on Feb 21, 2020 17:21:14 GMT
Shame or toxic shame, that is experienced during our lives, usually first as an infant, then as a child, adolescent and into adulthood, is often because a parent is not aware of their own trauma. Therefore, they’re carrying this trauma from their own childhood, which can lead to them passing it on, in their parenting style (their attunement and attachment style), to their children.
Toxic shame is a cellular, body quality of defeat. It manifests itself as squashing our life force energy out of us. We shrink. We feel like we mean nothing. We feel we are nothing. Typically it is our parents who dose this out to us, but it can be others; family members, bullying siblings, bullying school mates, partners etc… Sadly bullying siblings go hand-in-hand with parents who dose out that toxic shame.
Because a parent often can’t feel or see that bullying, and causing humiliation to their offspring is a bad thing and should be stopped, it continues and siblings will get away with it as well which just perpetuates this vicious cycle.
If we don’t heal (which rarely happens at the biological level these days) we will attract shame to us. We will self-loathe, have low self-esteem, self-hate, self sabotage; all those things that keep people really stuck, sick or depressed which then leads to internalized anger. We attract this unconsciously; by being with people, situations and work environments that keep us in this pattern of defeat and low self-esteem.
It can be very tough to break out of this but with work and consistency a person can heal for real!
Toxic shame is what causes depression (and all the pieces that go with it) because it hosts a whole cocktail of biological shutdown, trapped anger and aggression. This creates a depressed neurophysiology.
The physiology that comes with toxic shame (the depressed system; no expression of healthy anger; low metabolism etc…) can then turn on a person’s genetic predisposition for depression (others might have a genetic predisposition to addiction, fibromyalgia, gut issues, autoimmune disorders, mental illness etc…).
It’s pretty much accepted by those who are in the new traumatology fields that our survival responses can get stuck in a chaotic dance between fight, flight and freeze, which can leave a person unable to process much of life and its varied experiences of feelings,sensations and thoughts.Many of them believe the bulk of mental illness is just a symptom or byproduct of poor circumstances early in life with limited help to move a person towards more goodness, safety and processing of the original traumas and/or rebuilding of faulty wiring patterns.
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Post by anne12 on Sept 15, 2020 10:33:08 GMT
I read something interesting about tinnitus once. That is, when you due to a hearing damage end up having a constant howling tone, which in the worst case can be disabling. A specific case of tinnitus was so glaring, that the tinnitus-affected patient in consultation with doctors chose to try to completely cut the connection to the hearing. He would choose deafness over the constant howl. The hearing was cut, but the howl remained, because it was no longer the ear or hearing that produced the sound, but the patient's brain that reproduced the sound.
I often think about that story. The brain's ability to reproduce things that are traumatizing. For example words. I once saw Dr. Phil tell an actress, who had been subjected to a lot of internet hatred, that the vicious and hurtful words only need to be said or read once. After that, your own brain will probably repeat it thousands of times - especially in those situations where you did something wrong. Then the brain retrieves the ugly words from the place where the shame is situated.
Words mean something!
A female artist
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Post by anne12 on Mar 31, 2021 6:08:46 GMT
Shame as an anger-trigger: Does your anger cover shame? As human beings we can push each others shame buttons without knowing. If you have a quick temper, if you shout, if you slam doors, your problem may not actually be your anger. The real emotion that may be hurting you, is what's lurking behind your anger: shame. For many of us, anger is a cover of shame. For many of us, we carry around secret feelings of shame for years and years. Something we did in our past — or something that was done to us — haunts us. Shame can be a major anger trigger because when we harbor shame, we tend to react defensively, when we're criticized or given even mild feedback. We may then use anger to divert attention away from our painful, hidden feelings the way a magician uses misdirection when performing a card trick. If you dont deal with your shadow, then your shadow will deal with you (Debbie Ford) If you are having difficulty with the word shame, then you can ask yourself what you fear. What are you affraid being seen as ? How can people regonise when they are feeling shame/are getting triggered: People with passive angerpattern: You implode. You want to withdraw, you become a turtle, you become quiet. You can go into freeze and maybe collapse.What feeling do you feel the moment before this happens ? People with agressive angerpattern: You explode, you shout, you become a cactus, you pour your anger onto other people. What feeling do you feel the moment before this happens ? What emotions can trigger aggression / anger in you: To be ignored To feel criticized To be called histarical To feel stupid, - rejected, - indifferent, - not important, - hung out, - ugly - not respected ect. What words / insinuations can trigger aggression in you: Words you've been teased with Names you've been called Things you've been accused of being Things you've been criticized for being Things you've felt like (old wounds / trauma) Sides of you, you feel deeply shame / disgusted about (shadow sides) www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/mindful-anger/201607/is-your-anger-cover-shameMore about shame: Violations and failures - which have you experienced either as a child or later in a couple relationship or in other relationships, at work ect: • Verbal insults: a lot of criticism / scolding • “Inquire” • Being shamed • Humiliation • You been told to: shut up / shh! / be quiet • Threats / punishment • Physical violence • A look full of disappointment / or disgust • Inappropriate teasing, • Emotional coldness, being ignored • Violent mood swings, erratic behavior, conflicting messages • Exaggerated or unrealistic demands • Overcontrolling behavior • Overprotective behavior • Enmeshment / emotional incest (entanglement. Too intimate with mother or father) • Failure / rejection • To be invisible / not to be seen . Lack of warmth, support, comfort, encouragement, declarations of love, physical touch What did you make this mean about you? Spend 10 minutes uncovering theese beliefs you (unconsciously) created on the basis of each type of violation / failure. For example: Enmeshment: I must always be there for others Unrealistic demands: I can not do anything good enough Constant criticism: I'm wrong "Shut up!": it is dangerous to say your opinion Answer: My story taken into account, it is understandable that… What do you feel like saying to yourself as a child now? Write down at least two sentences. Rewrite your old, negative beliefs into mantras / positive messages you can remind yourself of every day: Ex: I am allowed to say my opinion. It is not selfish to take care of myself. My needs are also important. Write the sentences on post-it notes and put them around your home, where you can see them every day
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Post by anne12 on May 5, 2022 17:41:46 GMT
Shame is basically a collapse in the nerveussystem
The person who is feeling shame looks down
We can inherit shame from our parents or other family members ect.
When shame is released from our nerveussystem/ from our body, our spine becomes straight and we are able to look up and walk in the world with pride and dignity
A somatic experience practitioner and attachment therapist
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Post by anne12 on May 5, 2022 18:05:57 GMT
Tribal shame (posted by goldilocks ) m.youtube.com/watch?v=vNpSh0vE5VsThe MindBody Code – Part 1 of 2: “Archetypal Wounds and Their Healing Fields.” Tami Simon interviews bestselling author & speaker, Dr. Mario Martinez. PART 1: Mario Martinez is a clinical neuropsychologist and the founder of biocognitive science—a new paradigm that identifies complex discoveries of how our cultural beliefs affect our immune, nervous, and endocrine systems. With Sounds True, he has written a new book called The MindBody Code. In the first half of a two-part interview, Mario spoke with Tami Simon about how our cultural assumptions can affect our health and well-being. They also talked about archetypal wounds of shame, betrayal, and abandonment—as well as their corresponding healing fields of honor, loyalty, and commitment. Finally, Mario and Tami spoke on what means to feel worthy of making meaningful change in one’s life. (61 minutes). |
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Post by anne12 on May 5, 2022 18:27:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 5, 2022 19:45:47 GMT
When repellant behavior is repellant.... felt that! |
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Post by anne12 on May 22, 2022 19:51:35 GMT
Lifehack to melt shame
The response of your nervous system when you feel shame is to go into freeze.
To come out of shame you can try to move because it can help to switch you out of this freeze state.
Another thing that might work is: To connect to something you are proud of. Really proud of. It does not matter what it is. You just gotta feel it.
It's not to suppress the feeling, because To feel is to heal.
But it will confuse your brain and can help you jump out of the response in your nervous system that shame activates
Next step is: share the shame.
But first find someone you feel enough comfortable with - or are confident enough in yourself
A trauma worker
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Post by anne12 on Jul 13, 2022 19:04:56 GMT
Shame was a basic feeling in my core of my life for many years as a child and young person, which gave me the most empty feeling of being deeply wrong and not belonging anywhere
Shame can trigger our nervous system in the same way as traumatic experiences, as we most often go into freeze mode with huge activation inwards as a result
And often there is shame in experiencing traumatic events. That is why shame is so essential to work with when you want to open up to security in life, stand by yourself and feel free of the 4 steps to work with
1. Identify the shame
🌟 What exactly are you ashamed of?
In what situations do you feel ashamed?
2. Feel it ❤ It's so hard, I know. That is precisely why the shame is extra strong. Because we're trying to escape from feeling it. But if you use your physical, sensory body, then you can get out of your head, down into your body and feel what impulse it gives you (especially good for point 4)
🌟 Exposure ❤
What happens if you face your shame?
To get out of the trance of shame, you have to break free by dividing it and thereby stepping even more into your higher self.
But security/safety is alpha omega, so ally yourself with one or more that you can trust ❤
4. Move the shame physically
❤ Our nervous system needs to move this stagnation physically to expand the shame so that it does not feel like ALL of you, but over time can become a smaller part that you can better be with and use less force to fight
❤ It's very simplistic, I know. But sometimes the first step is focus and putting things in systems this way so we can help ourselves navigate when the emotions are as strong as shame is 🌬🙏
A trauma worker
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Post by anne12 on Sept 15, 2023 8:25:41 GMT
Trauma shame is a very special kind of shame.
Here it is not about what you have done, but how you have been treated.
It almost always occurs during assault and abuse.
If the person causing us pain shows no signs of shame, then a strange mechanism is set in motion, where we take the shame upon ourselves.
The logical fallacy is "I must have deserved it" or "I can't be worth anything when they can treat me like this".
Trauma shame can occur in many relationships:
If our parents always prioritize something else over us (work, drugs, for example).
If we are bullied.
Medical gaslighting
Metoo sexual assult
If we are treated badly by a partner or friend.
If you have been ridiculed for being sensitive.
If you had a psychopathic/ narcissistic boss
If you have applied for many jobs without getting an answer.
Ect……
An extreme example was told by Gry Stålsett. She is a psychologist in Norway and has worked with the victims from Utøya. She said that they suffered from traumatic shame after experiencing Anders Breivik treat them as if they were worth nothing. Even when the whole world condemned the abuser, the feeling of shame settled in them. That's how strong trauma shame is
So if you've experienced being treated like you're not worth anything, and feel ashamed if you think it's weird, it's completely normal! And yes, it can be treated and there is hope ❤️
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