flic
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Posts: 119
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Post by flic on May 28, 2018 6:42:25 GMT
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Post by scheme00 on May 28, 2018 8:01:58 GMT
I feel you. Can you force yourself from not looking? Whenever I put my cursor in the search bar I have to cover the recommended search person so I don’t see her photo and I feel like I have to go to the bathroom. Not sure why this happens but you’re not the only one. I’ve ruined my week before by seeing their or a mutual friends story with them in it.
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Post by tnr9 on May 28, 2018 11:51:51 GMT
Oh flic....hugs!!!! I think our hearts/mind hold onto the familiar (the one we loved) which is why we can go months/years without seeing someone and the feelings come flooding back when we run into them. There is research that shows that the pain of losing someone we love is equal to physical pain (such as breaking an arm). It completely makes sense that the memories that were invoked by the photos would reawaken that pain of loss...D was your best friend, your partner..you had talked about a future together...no wonder you are hurting again.
Social media has made it too easy to remain connected in a very disconnected way. Perhaps a 30 day sabbatical from social media would help? Or make it a bit harder to get see the posts from those mutual friends.
Know that I am here for you if you ever want to message me and vent/process in private.
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flic
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Post by flic on May 29, 2018 11:10:37 GMT
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Post by tnr9 on May 29, 2018 14:19:51 GMT
Thanks guy, appreciate the solidarity. The attachment to another is such a weird thing isn't it? I think I'm starting to understand it more, interestingly through being triggered... Something you said the other day tnr9 really resonated with me while i was thinking this afternoon (after another 2 hour rather emotional chat with D). He is not 'mine'. Seeing him looking happy should make me happy, if i care for him objectively. I am not 'missing' him - he still exists in the world and I think i need to work on being happy that he does, because that's real love. He's also taught me so much, and he says i have taught him too - which almost gives me back some faith in things being as they are meant to be. Sending you guys good vibes xx Hey flic. 🙂 So glad to hear you are working this through...as am I. B sent me a text wishing me a happy long weekend....and because I was out with friends I did not see it for several hours. I responded, but that old "fear" that everything fell to me..that I could mess this up by just not responding in a timely fashion reared it's ugly head. And I had to remind myself that B and I are just friends and friends give each other space to respond. I think being able to hold someone loosely, to let them simply be without trying to manipulate an ending that we desire, is incredibly difficult...but I think if I can achieve that with B, it will make things between us so much better. The times I get caught up in worry and possessiveness are the times I am not seeing B for who B is...but merely seeing him through the lens of what I want from him..or more precisely, what I am not getting from him. It keeps me focused on the lack rather than appreciate what is there. I am really impressed by the work you are doing on yourself flic. Please keep us posted. |
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Post by leavethelighton on May 30, 2018 2:54:06 GMT
I don't use Instagram. Does it offer any means to temporarily stop viewing someone? (Like Facebook recently instituted a feature where you can "hide" someone from your feed for 30 days).
While unconditional love is a great concept, I also think you shouldn't pressure yourself so much to only be happy for him.... You are completely entitled to have your pain, grieve, etc., without feeling like it somehow means you don't love enough-- as if only you loved more you wouldn't have all those feelings. It's okay for you to have your feelings, just don't let them consume your life for a really long time.
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flic
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Post by flic on Jun 2, 2018 6:06:57 GMT
I don't use Instagram. Does it offer any means to temporarily stop viewing someone? (Like Facebook recently instituted a feature where you can "hide" someone from your feed for 30 days). While unconditional love is a great concept, I also think you shouldn't pressure yourself so much to only be happy for him.... You are completely entitled to have your pain, grieve, etc., without feeling like it somehow means you don't love enough-- as if only you loved more you wouldn't have all those feelings. It's okay for you to have your feelings, just don't let them consume your life for a really long time. You're right. i oscillate so much between love and anger and hate and compassion and sadness and all things in between. The anger makes it easier to feel like i'm moving on. The love keeps me stuck but makes it easier to have compassion. I kind of wish i had no feelings at all. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 2, 2018 9:28:52 GMT
I don't use Instagram. Does it offer any means to temporarily stop viewing someone? (Like Facebook recently instituted a feature where you can "hide" someone from your feed for 30 days). While unconditional love is a great concept, I also think you shouldn't pressure yourself so much to only be happy for him.... You are completely entitled to have your pain, grieve, etc., without feeling like it somehow means you don't love enough-- as if only you loved more you wouldn't have all those feelings. It's okay for you to have your feelings, just don't let them consume your life for a really long time. You're right. i oscillate so much between love and anger and hate and compassion and sadness and all things in between. The anger makes it easier to feel like i'm moving on. The love keeps me stuck but makes it easier to have compassion. I kind of wish i had no feelings at all. I told a therapist once that i did not want to experience sadness, fear and anger...and she said..but then you would also not experience joy, peace and love. I understand the desire to not feel...I oftentimes wish I did not feel so deeply for B and I wrestle all the time with a reality that is so vastly different then what I want. It would be so much easier if I did not swirl each and every single time I see that B had "liked" a mutual friend's post, but not any of mine or when I see him chatting with other girls in the community group we both attend...but I do...and that has to be "ok" with me....because it wasn't ok for me to have these kind of feelings when I was a child and if I deny them or reject them then 1. I am telling myself the same message my mom did and 2. I find that when I deny feelings, they come out in other ways. I think you are doing great....I think you are way further along than me...so just keep at it...time is your friend.😀 |
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flic
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Post by flic on Jun 3, 2018 8:05:11 GMT
You're right. i oscillate so much between love and anger and hate and compassion and sadness and all things in between. The anger makes it easier to feel like i'm moving on. The love keeps me stuck but makes it easier to have compassion. I kind of wish i had no feelings at all. I told a therapist once that i did not want to experience sadness, fear and anger...and she said..but then you would also not experience joy, peace and love. I understand the desire to not feel...I oftentimes wish I did not feel so deeply for B and I wrestle all the time with a reality that is so vastly different then what I want. It would be so much easier if I did not swirl each and every single time I see that B had "liked" a mutual friend's post, but not any of mine or when I see him chatting with other girls in the community group we both attend...but I do...and that has to be "ok" with me....because it wasn't ok for me to have these kind of feelings when I was a child and if I deny them or reject them then 1. I am telling myself the same message my mom did and 2. I find that when I deny feelings, they come out in other ways. I think you are doing great....I think you are way further along than me...so just keep at it...time is your friend.😀 I don't know that I am further along. I have to stop engaging with him, I know I do. But we keep talking, and he wants us to - i think partly to be kind, and because he said he can't quite let go... he said he hasn't shipped me all my stuff because he wants to keep talking to me. And I want to keep talking to him because it soothes me temporarily. But then days later I feel so sad and I miss him so much. I just don't know if i'll get better if i keep talking to him, but the thought of not having him in my life at all terrifies me.  |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 3, 2018 14:12:39 GMT
I told a therapist once that i did not want to experience sadness, fear and anger...and she said..but then you would also not experience joy, peace and love. I understand the desire to not feel...I oftentimes wish I did not feel so deeply for B and I wrestle all the time with a reality that is so vastly different then what I want. It would be so much easier if I did not swirl each and every single time I see that B had "liked" a mutual friend's post, but not any of mine or when I see him chatting with other girls in the community group we both attend...but I do...and that has to be "ok" with me....because it wasn't ok for me to have these kind of feelings when I was a child and if I deny them or reject them then 1. I am telling myself the same message my mom did and 2. I find that when I deny feelings, they come out in other ways. I think you are doing great....I think you are way further along than me...so just keep at it...time is your friend.😀 I don't know that I am further along. I have to stop engaging with him, I know I do. But we keep talking, and he wants us to - i think partly to be kind, and because he said he can't quite let go... he said he hasn't shipped me all my stuff because he wants to keep talking to me. And I want to keep talking to him because it soothes me temporarily. But then days later I feel so sad and I miss him so much. I just don't know if i'll get better if i keep talking to him, but the thought of not having him in my life at all terrifies me. I am in the same boat..except it is all through text...B does not like talking on the phone....I don't know why. Yesterday I had sent him a meet up group that I thought he would like..he responded to that email...but then asked me via text if I was sleeping ok because I sent it really early. It is that level of kindness that is so incredibly special to me. I keep praying that God would transform this love I feel for B to be the same as how God loves him. I wish I was free from comparisons and jealousy and unmet expectations and a desire to date him again....still working on that however. I had a really long cry...because I have to moarn what this isn't..it is the only way to see reality instead of the enchanted forest of hope. I think you are very brave in your honesty...and it sounds like neither of you wants to fully let the other one go. I guess the question then becomes..how do you define it so that you can still care for him, but have your heart open to someone else. I am working on that one as well. |
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Post by ocarina on Jun 3, 2018 15:24:05 GMT
I don't know that I am further along. I have to stop engaging with him, I know I do. But we keep talking, and he wants us to - i think partly to be kind, and because he said he can't quite let go... he said he hasn't shipped me all my stuff because he wants to keep talking to me. And I want to keep talking to him because it soothes me temporarily. But then days later I feel so sad and I miss him so much. I just don't know if i'll get better if i keep talking to him, but the thought of not having him in my life at all terrifies me. I am in the same boat..except it is all through text...B does not like talking on the phone....I don't know why. Yesterday I had sent him a meet up group that I thought he would like..he responded to that email...but then asked me via text if I was sleeping ok because I sent it really early. It is that level of kindness that is so incredibly special to me. I keep praying that God would transform this love I feel for B to be the same as how God loves him. I wish I was free from comparisons and jealousy and unmet expectations and a desire to date him again....still working on that however. I had a really long cry...because I have to moarn what this isn't..it is the only way to see reality instead of the enchanted forest of hope. I think you are very brave in your honesty...and it sounds like neither of you wants to fully let the other one go. I guess the question then becomes..how do you define it so that you can still care for him, but have your heart open to someone else. I am working on that one as well. How about tnr9 instead of mourning what isn't, or interpreting through rose tinted spectacles, looking at the kind message as a gift in the here and now - with no meaning behind it, but a gift and some love from the universe to you - and being grateful for that. Maybe there's a middle way here - by returning to the present moment again and again maybe you could find more peace. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 3, 2018 16:49:44 GMT
I am in the same boat..except it is all through text...B does not like talking on the phone....I don't know why. Yesterday I had sent him a meet up group that I thought he would like..he responded to that email...but then asked me via text if I was sleeping ok because I sent it really early. It is that level of kindness that is so incredibly special to me. I keep praying that God would transform this love I feel for B to be the same as how God loves him. I wish I was free from comparisons and jealousy and unmet expectations and a desire to date him again....still working on that however. I had a really long cry...because I have to moarn what this isn't..it is the only way to see reality instead of the enchanted forest of hope. I think you are very brave in your honesty...and it sounds like neither of you wants to fully let the other one go. I guess the question then becomes..how do you define it so that you can still care for him, but have your heart open to someone else. I am working on that one as well. How about tnr9 instead of mourning what isn't, or interpreting through rose tinted spectacles, looking at the kind message as a gift in the here and now - with no meaning behind it, but a gift and some love from the universe to you - and being grateful for that. Maybe there's a middle way here - by returning to the present moment again and again maybe you could find more peace. Ocarina....thank you. I am incredibly grateful for that moment of kindness and the many other moments that B has shown me. I think the need to moarn is specific to my nature and not necessarily AP. I am highly "feeling" and as such, I need to release the hopeful/possessive/sad feelings before I can appreciate the moment. It it just my way of returning to center. 😀 |
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flic
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Post by flic on Jun 4, 2018 6:56:07 GMT
I am in the same boat..except it is all through text...B does not like talking on the phone....I don't know why. Yesterday I had sent him a meet up group that I thought he would like..he responded to that email...but then asked me via text if I was sleeping ok because I sent it really early. It is that level of kindness that is so incredibly special to me. I keep praying that God would transform this love I feel for B to be the same as how God loves him. I wish I was free from comparisons and jealousy and unmet expectations and a desire to date him again....still working on that however. I had a really long cry...because I have to moarn what this isn't..it is the only way to see reality instead of the enchanted forest of hope. I think you are very brave in your honesty...and it sounds like neither of you wants to fully let the other one go. I guess the question then becomes..how do you define it so that you can still care for him, but have your heart open to someone else. I am working on that one as well. "The enchanted forest of hope" - what an apt description. Easy to get lost in that forest, isn't it? I like the suggestion from ocarina for you to see it as a gift in the here and now... but i also appreciate that your heart might take it straight into the enchanted forest and plant it in the ground, hoping for it to grow. I think sometimes the 2 happen simultaneously, you both appreciate the kindness but it triggers the unconscious wound, which can't help but wake up and say "if we just keeping going...!" I know you are working on your wounds though, so maybe that's all you can do. I'm interested in what you say about your need to mourn as a way of releasing and re-centring. I'm finding at the moment that the engagement i have with D throws me back into mourning what we have lost, i can't seem to then move it into re-centring. It's definitely 2 steps back every time. We are also still re-hashing our relationship in most conversations though, so maybe that's why. We have reached an impasse where we both know we each got things wrong, we can acutely identify what they were for each of us and agree, but are still holding a lot of hurt from it - we broke each others' hearts and that can't be undone. Maybe if we can stop re-hashing, we can let go - or move into friendship. Though I was just reading your other post on whether friendship is advisable and I really think for me, it's probably not. But I just can't summon the strength to cut the cord, and i know he won't. I commend your strength in bing so aware, acknowledging you want friendship and connection, even though you know the risks. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 4, 2018 11:24:06 GMT
"The enchanted forest of hope" - what an apt description. Easy to get lost in that forest, isn't it? I like the suggestion from ocarina for you to see it as a gift in the here and now... but i also appreciate that your heart might take it straight into the enchanted forest and plant it in the ground, hoping for it to grow. I think sometimes the 2 happen simultaneously, you both appreciate the kindness but it triggers the unconscious wound, which can't help but wake up and say "if we just keeping going...!" I know you are working on your wounds though, so maybe that's all you can do. I'm interested in what you say about your need to mourn as a way of releasing and re-centring. I'm finding at the moment that the engagement i have with D throws me back into mourning what we have lost, i can't seem to then move it into re-centring. It's definitely 2 steps back every time. We are also still re-hashing our relationship in most conversations though, so maybe that's why. We have reached an impasse where we both know we each got things wrong, we can acutely identify what they were for each of us and agree, but are still holding a lot of hurt from it - we broke each others' hearts and that can't be undone. Maybe if we can stop re-hashing, we can let go - or move into friendship. Though I was just reading your other post on whether friendship is advisable and I really think for me, it's probably not. But I just can't summon the strength to cut the cord, and i know he won't. I commend your strength in bing so aware, acknowledging you want friendship and connection, even though you know the risks. I think I made re centering sound too easy...like having a good long cry is all that is required....sometimes it means journaling through the enchanted forest of hope with self compassion, acknowledging that there it is there, reminding myself that I will be ok and then I wait...because logic does come...at a much slower/snail crawl pace...but it does..and with it, my adult perspective returns and I am able to love B but with a lovely gift of seeing him completely with his areas of brokenness, without the pedastal or the yearning or the jealousy or the comparison..it is a love that allows him to be who he needs to be. I don't stay there as long as I would like, but each time it gets a bit better. I was pondering a bit and I also think there is this sense from the world that we should be able to get over someone so easily, so flawlessly, without any lingering desires or pain....and we internalize that message and it becomes an internal wrestling match between the child in us who never wanted to let go and the parent who (on the world's behalf) tells us that we are being silly, selfish, rediculous and that we should move on already. Search and see if there is perhaps any of that going on as well....where this "parent" voice (that we all have by the way) is compelling you to move forward at a pace that really does not work. I have recently been thanking that parent voice for what it provided so many decades ago, because it truly has been there to "help", but I am reminding it that I (as the adult) have now got this...including my little girl. I find that that helps a bit too. Again...I think you are doing fantastic...and you have great sense of where you are at an impasse....perhaps it is ok to linger there a bit in the impasse and see what you learn about yourself in it...because oftentimes an impasse is asking you to pause and spend some time on whatever it is you are stuck at. |
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Post by mrob on Jun 4, 2018 11:35:16 GMT
In some cultures, there are prescribed times for grief and mourning. In the western world we are bereft of such structure and have to make it up as we go, and it’s hard.
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