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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2018 9:50:23 GMT
So I had a rather stressful event happen and I notice that when I get stressed, obviously I get triggered and when I am triggered I want to have interaction with B. So one thing I do is go to his FB page...and I look at where people are on his friend list..and for some reason my brain thinks there is a pattern to where people are...as opposed to some rather arbitrary calculation that does not have anything to do with how important a person is. I also noticed that he hasn't been on IM and neither has a mutual female friend..so of course my AP brain wants to link them together because of this shared.."not being on messenger" moment. Ugh...but in a self loving way. Just owning it.
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flic
Full Member
Posts: 119
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Post by flic on May 31, 2018 11:39:09 GMT
Props to you for owning it, writing it out, and the self love. Searching for patterns, you'll always find them, even if they are not patterns at all. Coincidence is like that  |
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Post by tnr9 on May 31, 2018 12:22:33 GMT
Props to you for owning it, writing it out, and the self love. Searching for patterns, you'll always find them, even if they are not patterns at all. Coincidence is like that I would love to have an on/off switch for the pattern making aspect of my brain....but alas..my model of AP did not come with that feature.😀 |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 3, 2018 23:54:43 GMT
Great self awareness!
This makes me think of the concept of "unmet need" and other ways to meet it.
Ex: you are seeking evidence that reinforces some idea about the relationship (ex: he doesn't love you enough, he doesn't give you the attention you wish he would, you are less important to him than he is to you, or whatever...) How can you find the flipside of it-- the love, attention, desire, etc.-- from some other sources including self-love? So like you can't control his affections for you but you can control your affections for yourself or the energy you put into more mutual relationships.
I'm not sure how to do that though-- I'm not exactly a master of it myself.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 4, 2018 1:51:31 GMT
Great self awareness! This makes me think of the concept of "unmet need" and other ways to meet it. Ex: you are seeking evidence that reinforces some idea about the relationship (ex: he doesn't love you enough, he doesn't give you the attention you wish he would, you are less important to him than he is to you, or whatever...) How can you find the flipside of it-- the love, attention, desire, etc.-- from some other sources including self-love? So like you can't control his affections for you but you can control your affections for yourself or the energy you put into more mutual relationships. I'm not sure how to do that though-- I'm not exactly a master of it myself. Yeh..it is very one step forward, two steps back at times....and to be honest, when I read the suggestion of getting what I need from others, my little girl's protective trigger went into high gear because she does not want it from anyone else. So I am going to rephrase your post just slightly. Instead of looking for the ways that B is not meeting my needs, perhaps I could look for the ways that he (and others) are meeting them. Perhaps I can look for the good and not look for the lack. There, that has settled the trigger a bit. I know it is really weird...but I am super sensitive to B being "taken away", "removed" from my life..it is as if it becomes all or nothing..he is in or he is out and I can tell you which direction I will go. I had a friend who said I deserved better than B and I immediately shut down and got defensive...and I knew she was simply trying to be helpful...to open me up to other possibilities...to show me that B wasn't the end all be all...but that line of processing does not work with me. I think it is carry over from my parent's divorce...but I will want to explore this a bit more. |
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