Post by anne12 on Jun 3, 2018 10:03:29 GMT
One of the places in which we become vulnerable, in a very inappropriate way, is when we make ourselves dependent on each other's feelings.
Couples saying: I can not say that, because she just gets angry and I do not want her to be" "He's always so sorry and I do not want to hurt him so ..." and other variations on the subject "You must not have these feelings, because I can not handle it".
When we try for a long time to control specific reactions from our partner, we become annoyed, frustrated aso. There are emotional taboos and it's like moving around in the Cambodian jungle and trying to avoid land mines. If you say that over and over again, there will become less and less emotional space in the relationship.
Reactions and phrases like these will be common:
"It's typical you, because now you close yourself of again"
"Well, now you'll leave as you usually do, when you can not defend yourself"
"You are always getting so angry when ... I can´t take it anymore and this is not going to last".
"Are you now crying again, it's manipulation, but it does not work on me, I can tell you!"
"How come, that I am not allowd to my own opinion in this house"
"This is not true, but you do not want to hear the truth"
"You are not going to decide what I can or can not do. I can decide for myself!
"Why are you always getting so hurt when I ... I must be allowed to ..."
We are busy with what is happening emotionally with each other and if we do not like the reaction we get, then we begin to defend, criticize, hide, attac or pull away and it creates more conflicts.
Conflicts may be the beginning of the end of a relationship, but it may well be development potential. You choose yourself!
Here's what to do:
· Discover what feelings with your partner, that you are struggling to accept.
· Why is it exactly these emotions that are difficult to handle?
· If it's anger, is it because you are struggling to show your own anger? If it is sadness, is it then not ok for you to be sad and cry?
· How do you feel about the feelings that you are having with your partner? What are they doing to you? Do you feel wrong / inadequate / hurt or?
· What makes it important for your partner? Do you feel rejected or criticized if he / she does it differently than you? Do you think it's about you? It's your fault that she is feeling the way she feels?
Basically, when we set each other free emotionally, we will achieve greater flexibility in relation to each other. The fact is that your partner is feeling what he / she is feeling. You can not change that. You should not try to. His or hers feelings have nothing to do with you, they are just their feelings. You should not fix it or save them. They have to deal with that themselves.
It's NEVER your fault how your husband / wife is feeling. Perhaps you have done something that has enabled it, but it's always your own responsibility how we handle what happens to us. It also applies to you and your feelings.
It is a general misconception that we are responsible for each other's feelings. "You make me so angry" or "You hurt me when you" and that sort of thing is a damn sludge.
NO ONE CAN DO TO YOU, THAT YOU DO NOT ALLOW.
Unless you are exposed to an assault, you are responsible for how you respond to what happens to and in you.
Therefore: Take responsibility for your own feelings and get out of your partners. He is feeling the way he feels, and thats it.
If his kind of in a bad mood about something you've done, that's his problem (though it's not very nice, you'll say - no maybe not, but there's also room for that kind of feeling).
If your partner gets sad and cry, just be there for her. The tears are hers and it has nothing to do with you. You can comfort her, but let her feelings be as they are. You can not take them away from her.
It is not the same that we can not relate openly, smoothly and empathically to each other. We must do so to a great extent, but we should not depend on our partners' feelings.
Couples saying: I can not say that, because she just gets angry and I do not want her to be" "He's always so sorry and I do not want to hurt him so ..." and other variations on the subject "You must not have these feelings, because I can not handle it".
When we try for a long time to control specific reactions from our partner, we become annoyed, frustrated aso. There are emotional taboos and it's like moving around in the Cambodian jungle and trying to avoid land mines. If you say that over and over again, there will become less and less emotional space in the relationship.
Reactions and phrases like these will be common:
"It's typical you, because now you close yourself of again"
"Well, now you'll leave as you usually do, when you can not defend yourself"
"You are always getting so angry when ... I can´t take it anymore and this is not going to last".
"Are you now crying again, it's manipulation, but it does not work on me, I can tell you!"
"How come, that I am not allowd to my own opinion in this house"
"This is not true, but you do not want to hear the truth"
"You are not going to decide what I can or can not do. I can decide for myself!
"Why are you always getting so hurt when I ... I must be allowed to ..."
We are busy with what is happening emotionally with each other and if we do not like the reaction we get, then we begin to defend, criticize, hide, attac or pull away and it creates more conflicts.
Conflicts may be the beginning of the end of a relationship, but it may well be development potential. You choose yourself!
Here's what to do:
· Discover what feelings with your partner, that you are struggling to accept.
· Why is it exactly these emotions that are difficult to handle?
· If it's anger, is it because you are struggling to show your own anger? If it is sadness, is it then not ok for you to be sad and cry?
· How do you feel about the feelings that you are having with your partner? What are they doing to you? Do you feel wrong / inadequate / hurt or?
· What makes it important for your partner? Do you feel rejected or criticized if he / she does it differently than you? Do you think it's about you? It's your fault that she is feeling the way she feels?
Basically, when we set each other free emotionally, we will achieve greater flexibility in relation to each other. The fact is that your partner is feeling what he / she is feeling. You can not change that. You should not try to. His or hers feelings have nothing to do with you, they are just their feelings. You should not fix it or save them. They have to deal with that themselves.
It's NEVER your fault how your husband / wife is feeling. Perhaps you have done something that has enabled it, but it's always your own responsibility how we handle what happens to us. It also applies to you and your feelings.
It is a general misconception that we are responsible for each other's feelings. "You make me so angry" or "You hurt me when you" and that sort of thing is a damn sludge.
NO ONE CAN DO TO YOU, THAT YOU DO NOT ALLOW.
Unless you are exposed to an assault, you are responsible for how you respond to what happens to and in you.
Therefore: Take responsibility for your own feelings and get out of your partners. He is feeling the way he feels, and thats it.
If his kind of in a bad mood about something you've done, that's his problem (though it's not very nice, you'll say - no maybe not, but there's also room for that kind of feeling).
If your partner gets sad and cry, just be there for her. The tears are hers and it has nothing to do with you. You can comfort her, but let her feelings be as they are. You can not take them away from her.
It is not the same that we can not relate openly, smoothly and empathically to each other. We must do so to a great extent, but we should not depend on our partners' feelings.