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Post by mindful on Jun 4, 2018 2:42:39 GMT
My FA ex broke up with me because of a pattern of me saying something hurtful every month or two. I usually apologize and try not to say it again, but it wasn't enough because something else would come up again In a different way. I'm going to work on myself, and I can see why some of the things I said were hurtful. There's still one sentence I'm not sure about. Can someone explain so I can work on not saying these kinds of things?
After three years of him still not being ready to move in together, I was planning on moving back to my old city that I was living in for the first two years we were dating.
I said:
"I'll come on the weekends, but I don't want to drive over on the weekdays anymore, so you'll have to."
I said it as if I was pondering to myself. (For the first two years, I was the one driving over on the weekends and weekdays because he had a private place.)
A few days later he said it hurt him because it was like I wasn't thinking about him and he felt like he was being told what to do. I was confused because he could've said no or said his opinion on it. There was also an implied "if you want" at the end, at least I thought so..I made it clear to him I never wanted to force him to do anything and that he could always say no.
Like I said I grew up with manipulation and control, so I wouldn't be surprised if what I said was out of line.
How do I stop saying things like this when I don't even see them until someone points it out?
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 4, 2018 2:56:42 GMT
"I'll come on the weekends, but I don't want to drive over on the weekdays anymore, so you'll have to."
Look at the last bit...."so you'll have to". That is where he was likely triggered because you were saying that if he wants to see you on the weekdays, he is going to have to drive when you used to. Be very aware that what can sound very innocent to one person, can come across as sounding like an obligation to another. In future...leave anything that could come across as an obligation or an expectation out.
example: "I really enjoy seeing you and am certainly willing to drive out your way on weekends." Don't mention what you don't want to do....if he asks about weekdays..then tell him why you don't want to drive out on weekdays.."I would love to see you on weekdays, however after work I am usually pretty tired and would prefer not to drive out that way anymore since it is a long distance for me". If he wants to still work at it, leave him with some flexible options. "Since I am usually tired, perhaps we can meet at a half way point for some dinner or I can drive to your place on the weekend and you can drive to my place on a weekday. Does either of those work for you?"
Good luck.
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Post by mindful on Jun 4, 2018 3:05:55 GMT
That is where he was likely triggered because you were saying that if he wants to see you, he is going to have to drive. Gosh, I hadn't thought of it that way before. I think I tend to say too much of my thoughts and plan things out ahead of time - logistics and all that. By planning things out loud, maybe I'm setting up expectations of what has to be done? Maybe I could ask more questions instead? Or maybe simply leave it as an unknown like in your example, which is hard for a AP! I have a feeling this is going to be hard for me to break, so if anyone has any other resources, tricks, or underlying things I should work on, that'd be great! |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 4, 2018 3:09:29 GMT
That is where he was likely triggered because you were saying that if he wants to see you, he is going to have to drive. Gosh, I hadn't thought of it that way before. I think I tend to say too much of my thoughts and plan things out ahead of time - logistics and all that. By planning things out loud, maybe I'm setting up expectations of what has to be done? I have a feeling this is going to be hard for me to break, so if anyone has any other resources, tricks, or underlying things I should work on, that'd be great! The planning is not the issue..it's the way you phrase it....before sending something to him..perhaps you could have a trusted friend read it over? That way you can learn where you may be setting up an imbalance or a demand/obligation. |
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Post by mindful on Jun 4, 2018 3:13:00 GMT
That's a good idea, thanks! I wonder if I can find some more examples online too. Maybe there are some keywords I should avoid.
This is going to have to be for the next relationship though because I think I used up all chances with this one. =/
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Post by mrob on Jun 4, 2018 9:54:24 GMT
“.....so you’ll have to”. Well, I don’t have to do anything. I’d bristle.
If your happiness is dependent upon how I act, you’ll be constantly disappointed. All that ends up with is neither of our needs being met and mutual misery. If you don’t want to drive, let him drive to you. Try to step out of the push/pull dynamic.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 4, 2018 12:01:20 GMT
i don't know if you are communicating via text.
if you have diifficulty expressing yourself as you intend via that mode of communication, perhaps try voice over phone so that you can have a warmer and more personal interaction. envision a warm conversation instead of random thoughts stated as imperatives.
communication is an art and many have difficulty, especially written word.
it has its limitations that compound ours.
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Post by mindful on Jun 4, 2018 13:07:28 GMT
mrob - thanks for the insight. I need to work on creating happiness for myself and not rely on external forces for it. juniper - this was over face-to-face conversation. I usually do better over text because I can re-read what I've written before sending it. In this case, I'm not sure if I would've caught it if I was texting though.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 4, 2018 13:44:05 GMT
I think when the only example that you were given of a "working" relationship is one that involves control..it is understandable that you would mimic that a bit...it also makes sense that if you felt controlled by others...that you would have a spidey sense for when things seem controlling (even if they are not) and want to exert some control over it (since you did not have control when you were a child). What other areas of your life could you allow yourself the feeling of control? Another thing to consider is that "driving" may only be a symptom of another issue that is left unaddressed...meaning, it could be protest behavior that signifies something else that you feel you are not getting from him. Ponder that for a while.
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Post by mindful on Jun 4, 2018 13:57:17 GMT
tnr9, I was thinking about the points you and mrob made, and after putting them together, I suddenly realized something, that my underlying message was: "I feel resentful that I moved all the way here for us so we could be closer and move in together, but now you don't want to move in, and you don't seem to see it as a sacrifice or talk about how great it is (because he didn't care about commuting far in the first place). Also I'm unhappy with my job and environment, so now I'm going to move back. I'm tired of being the one traveling the distance for us, so now it's your turn if you want to see me (and perhaps prove that I'm worth traveling for).Ugh I sound terrible, and now I can see how I was not in charge of my own happiness, and blamed the unhappiness on him instead. Also my tone of voice might had been resentful, and he might've figured out my underlying message even though I hadn't seen it at the time.
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Post by mrob on Jun 4, 2018 15:45:13 GMT
Can I take that one step further without offence?
“I’m pissed off that I’ve tried to escalate the relationship by uprooting my life and moving closer, and the desire to escalate is not mutual”
In my situation I’d be just calming down when another escalation was asked for. I was told after every falling out that I only wanted to see her on my terms. I had considerably more going on in my life than her, and she felt resentful that I wasn’t giving her enough time and attention. My feeling was that if I allowed her to escalate in the ways she wanted, that I would end up married again, and in an impossible situation to get myself out of.
I’m here because I can see how ugly my end is, too, and want to move towards something reasonable. I’m not defending my corner, if you like, but trying to give you insight.
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Post by mindful on Jun 5, 2018 0:23:10 GMT
mrob , no offense at all; I'm here to learn like you are.  That makes sense. I think I understand his point of view. Like you said, maybe he was worried about being married in an impossible situation to get out of. At the same time, he really cared about me and didn't want to stop hoping that things would get better. For me, I felt like I was on his terms and that I was waiting month after month, not knowing if he'd want to move forward - ever. At the same time I didn't completely understand what was this "change" he wanted from me before he would feel good enough to move forward, and that had really worried me.
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Post by scheme00 on Jun 5, 2018 2:44:01 GMT
I took it as “I’ll come when it’s easy for me otherwise you make all the efffort.” That would piss me off and or make me pull away and I’m not even avoidant.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 5, 2018 11:27:42 GMT
mrob , no offense at all; I'm here to learn like you are. That makes sense. I think I understand his point of view. Like you said, maybe he was worried about being married in an impossible situation to get out of. At the same time, he really cared about me and didn't want to stop hoping that things would get better. For me, I felt like I was on his terms and that I was waiting month after month, not knowing if he'd want to move forward - ever. At the same time I didn't completely understand what was this "change" he wanted from me before he would feel good enough to move forward, and that had really worried me. I think there is an important lesson here...we wait and wait and wait...building resentments on expectations that we have but never clarified..and I am guilty as charged. It is as if we convince ourself that by even discussing our expectations, that would lead to a bad outcome...but is stewing in resentment any better? Honestly, it sounds like there could have been a clarifying conversation before you moved to ensure his timeline and yours were tracking together. I have also found that I tend to be all in while other attachment styles take a bit of a slower/longer approach...and if I don't clarify things..I can get tripped up by that difference in timeline. |
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Post by mindful on Jun 5, 2018 13:05:51 GMT
scheme00, thanks for your opinion. That makes sense it came off that way because I was getting resentful that I've been doing all the traveling for the past two years and then uprooted my life so we could take steps to be closer, but he wasn't reciprocating in that way. So yeah, I was tired of making all the effort. tnr9, I can see now how some subjects were tiptoed over by both of us. It took me awhile to bring up marriage because I could sense he was scared of it, and he spoke vaguely about it when I did. It's funny though, because I had explicitly asked him before moving that if I came over we would move in together, and he confirmed. We even went apartment hunting after I moved, but he was hesitant during it, saying it was probably just nerves and that things usually got better once he jumped into it. Then he started feeling uncertain and wanted to wait until things improved. I was ready though, so I kept asking for a timeline every few months, but he said he couldn't give me one. And that a timeline is not something I should ask. (Should he had given me a timeline? Was it a reasonable request?) We tried for another year until he finally broke it off.
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