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Post by tnr9 on Jun 5, 2018 13:25:49 GMT
scheme00 , thanks for your opinion. That makes sense it came off that way because I was getting resentful that I've been doing all the traveling for the past two years and then uprooted my life so we could take steps to be closer, but he wasn't reciprocating in that way. So yeah, I was tired of making all the effort. tnr9 , I can see now how some subjects were tiptoed over by both of us. It took me awhile to bring up marriage because I could sense he was scared of it, and he spoke vaguely about it when I did. It's funny though, because I had explicitly asked him before moving that if I came over we would move in together, and he confirmed. We even went apartment hunting after I moved, but he was hesitant during it, saying it was probably just nerves and that things usually got better once he jumped into it. Then he started feeling uncertain and wanted to wait until things improved. I was ready though, so I kept asking for a timeline every few months, but he said he couldn't give me one. And that a timeline is not something I should ask. (Should he had given me a timeline? Was it a reasonable request?) We tried for another year until he finally broke it off. I think a timeline is a reasonable request...however, I think once there was a trend established that he wasn't giving you a direct answer, your option was to either hold him accountable (meaning to stop asking for a timeframe and let him know that you what your timeline before you would leave) or accept that you were likely not going to get a timeline and just accept it. |
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Post by mrob on Jun 5, 2018 13:40:27 GMT
If you’re not getting your needs met, step out of the dynamic. It may be comfortable, but it’s not healthy for either of you. It’s possible to step out and still live there.
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Post by mindful on Jun 5, 2018 23:57:23 GMT
I think a timeline is a reasonable request...however, I think once there was a trend established that he wasn't giving you a direct answer, your option was to either hold him accountable (meaning to stop asking for a timeframe and let him know that you what your timeline before you would leave) or accept that you were likely not going to get a timeline and just accept it. Eventually I tried to do the latter and accept that i’d have to wait, but I think the attachment fears of waiting without knowing if he’ll ever commit was too strong. Plus I began to feel crazy with how much it emotionally affected me, and how I was pressured to make this change that I didn’t understand in order for him to decide if and when we could move forward. I think I’m starting to realize more and more that I’m not powerless. I could’ve left anytime if my needs weren’t being met. It was hard though, because I really wanted it to work. Someone secure would’ve left after trying once or twice, but I kept trying ten more times and ended up losing myself in the process. Thank you all for your helpful responses. I’m understanding myself much better now. I wished I had found this concept and forum sooner! |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 6, 2018 0:02:07 GMT
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So my thought on the original sentence... it could be interpreted as your being unwilling to put any effort into spending time together on the weekdays (as opposed to say sometimes you drive over and sometimes he drives over). That in turn could be interpreted as your not really caring about spending time together.
That being said, for someone to break up with you over that rather than their wanting to discuss it more with you shows a great instability to the relationship. I think it would be hard to have a relationship where you had to walk on eggshells that much.
And of course, the context of the sentence matters a lot too.
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Post by mindful on Jun 6, 2018 11:58:36 GMT
leavethelighton, thank you for your thoughts. You're right about the eggshells. While I shouldn't have said those things, I think I started saying those things after feeling insecure, once I sensed that he was pulling away. They were unhealthy bids for reassurance. On the other hand, he pulled away - in my opinion - very quickly after the first argument (where he got defensive and said things that hurt me, and then shut down... so it wasn't just me, it was a cycle created by both of us). I was willing to understand why he said those things and to accept him knowing that he was not contributing to conversations because he was fearful, but it was ok because he was working on it and I could accept him even if he slipped up when things got heated. I don't feel that I got that from him, and he was making a tally of all the things I said that hurt him without trying to understand why I said them, and he wasn't going to accept me as I am or allow me to slip up once in awhile. Healthy relationships are where couples can bounce back after difficulties, but here, things just festered. I see other real life realationships where couples would fight and say mean things to each other, but then they'd laugh it off, knowing those things were said in the heat of the moment, and they didn't take it to heart. We didn't have that.
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Post by mistakes on Jun 6, 2018 15:21:11 GMT
leavethelighton, thank you for your thoughts. You're right about the eggshells. While I shouldn't have said those things, I think I started saying those things after feeling insecure, once I sensed that he was pulling away. They were unhealthy bids for reassurance. On the other hand, he pulled away - in my opinion - very quickly after the first argument (where he got defensive and said things that hurt me, and then shut down... so it wasn't just me, it was a cycle created by both of us). I was willing to understand why he said those things and to accept him knowing that he was not contributing to conversations because he was fearful, but it was ok because he was working on it and I could accept him even if he slipped up when things got heated. I don't feel that I got that from him, and he was making a tally of all the things I said that hurt him without trying to understand why I said them, and he wasn't going to accept me as I am or allow me to slip up once in awhile. Healthy relationships are where couples can bounce back after difficulties, but here, things just festered. I see other real life realationships where couples would fight and say mean things to each other, but then they'd laugh it off, knowing those things were said in the heat of the moment, and they didn't take it to heart. We didn't have that. It is a painful feeling when the partner retreat when we made a mistake or request, which is not that big of a deal comparing to relationships that we know. No wonder why we easily confused with our self worth. But at the same time, it seems that you are one step closer to knowing what you need, a partner that would forgive and support each other like a team. |
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Post by notalone on Jun 22, 2018 19:28:33 GMT
I think it's very good to say what you want and need, which is what you were doing in the first part of your sentence. The only thing I feel could have been changed is the part where you said: "So you'll have to". I'd suggest saying something like "so if you want to drive to me I'd be happy to see you". It's you telling him what YOU want and need, and not telling him what to do. Always try using "I" statements.
Having said that, no one is perfect and this hardly seems like a make or break comment. No one is perfect, and although it's great to think about how you can improve, don't be too hard on yourself for this.
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Post by mindful on Jul 8, 2018 11:49:35 GMT
I think it's very good to say what you want and need, which is what you were doing in the first part of your sentence. The only thing I feel could have been changed is the part where you said: "So you'll have to". I'd suggest saying something like "so if you want to drive to me I'd be happy to see you". It's you telling him what YOU want and need, and not telling him what to do. Always try using "I" statements. Having said that, no one is perfect and this hardly seems like a make or break comment. No one is perfect, and although it's great to think about how you can improve, don't be too hard on yourself for this. Thank you for your thoughts, especially the second part. Though inner work I've found that self-acceptance is helping me tremendously, and the relationship I was in eroded that. |
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