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Post by kristyrose on Jun 4, 2018 18:31:10 GMT
Hi friends.
Been a while since I've posted. From March to recent I've been trying to get out and date and be as present in my life as possible. I was feeling free and happier and thinking WAY less about my ex.
Dating is hard, as some of you know, so I haven't really made a strong connection with anyone. One guy I met and really liked, eventually told me he is not over his ex and needed more alone time, but wanted to keep in touch- boy could I relate! But I did actually feel ready to let my ex go and explore more with this guy. After that, no more successful dates, one guy asked me out then did the slow fade before we even met!
At any rate, I'm taking a break from dating for a bit and just want to take care of myself. Of course, the problem I am now facing is that I'm back to fixating on my ex. During the month of May we spent almost every weekend together until we both went out of town to separate locations at the end of the month. He was gone up until last night and as soon as he got into town wanted to connect and have dinner. I had missed him, he was gone 10 days so I admittedly jumped at the chance. While he was gone we texted almost daily he asked me for pics and he sent me some last night, and when I saw him last night we both seemed very happy just to be around each other.
We don't kiss too much anymore, and while he is affectionate to some extent in public, it is only when we are alone that we are very affectionate, sometimes sleeping in each others arms all night long. He gets jealous if he sees me on my phone and lately has been doing strange things like texting pics of me he takes to my sister (he knows she dislikes him) and showing up at my bday party (I discouraged him from going) and trying to get in good with my friends again.
All of this only serves to confuse me. When I was dating others I got a taste of what dating a non-avoidant could feel like and it was amazing. After all my hard work in therapy and EMDR I have become more and more secure, of course not so much with my ex, but with others and that has been quite up lifting.
At this point it makes all the sense in the world to stop seeing my ex, it's been over a year since he broke up with me, but we have never stopped being together. I have tried on and off to stop seeing him only for us both to reconnect and act as if we were separated for years! There is still so much passion and even a newfound closeness we share, that it almost seems ridiculous not to explore what we are to each other now, and leave the past behind.
However, I think the only reason he is behaving this way, is because we are no longer a couple, there are 0 expectations and he can do as he pleases. He can take a weekend to himself and of course it is expected that I don't question him- of course if I go silent he reaches out relentlessly.
When I have tried to be without him, I get an initial feeling of relief, however after about two weeks it turns into absolute pain and anguish. I become so despondent I can barely focus on work or anything else. I've noticed that as long as he stays in my life, I feel OK and do not experience these feelings. I did a little though by the 2nd week he was gone.
So, at this point I feel completely trapped. If I keep seeing him, it hurts because I know it's only because he feels no pressure in actually being with me, if I walk away, I feel this anguish and despair that can feel intolerable.
I was going to just tell him that as much as I want him in my life, I can't continue this way and need to move on- but I realize I am only doing this to see if he will chase me.
I need to be ready to walk away and mean it, yet I'm struggling...
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Post by ocarina on Jun 4, 2018 21:24:58 GMT
Hi Kristyrose and sorry you're stuck here.
It is great that you have such clarity on your situation - this is a far cry from the mindset of your early posts and this awareness had got to be a big leap in the right dirrection.
It is really really hard to give up on such a rare connection - whether its a healthy connection or not is debatable but even noticing your reactions in the acute ways that you have is a help on the road forwards. It sounds as though you are close to making the leap away from him, but realise that to do so you will have to work through real pain, frightening pain, alot of it before you can come through this.
Pain and loneliness is something we naturally avoid - but in reality what is it? It's our own perception, ideas and judgement layered on a very pure almost visceral sensation. I was taught to experience pain - and other feelings by really experiencing them in the body - sitting with compassion for the feeling and noting bodily sensations until the waves of feeling dissipate. This has been amazingly helpful for me and given me courage to take face on, what would otherwise have been unbearable.
This is very much a personal thing - I wonder have you ever meditated and if so would it be possible to begin to form the habit of actually allowing yourself to experience this pain and process it. This would seem to be the very key to breaking from the pattern of self soothing by seeing him - which then leads to more hurt requiring more contact ad infinitum. Feelings become tolerable when they are recognised for what they are and allowed to be - not suffused with meaning and stories.
Even if now is not yet the right time, perhaps this might be something worth cultivating?
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Post by kristyrose on Jun 5, 2018 0:48:20 GMT
Hi ocarina, Thank you so much for the reply. I sometimes feel as if I need to push myself otherwise I will never be ready to let go. At the same time, I'm not ready, so I guess I wonder if that day will finally present itself. The acute pain surely will pass but the chronic pain I am experiencing can go on forever. For him, I can only guess it's very easy to have someone who loves you and won't walk away no matter how you treat them, so he most likely gives this very little thought. I think meditation would be helpful, I try it in the morning but admittedly I'm inconsistent. Will need to keep working at staying with my feelings. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 5, 2018 1:38:31 GMT
Hey Kristyrose...I so understand...it seems to me that one thing you could do is put more defined boundaries around the physical intimacy and time spent together. As you have stated, he does not appear to want to make this official and it works for him because he gets to spend time with you and have no expectations....ok....turn that around...what would a no expectation friendship look like for you? Would you talk to that friend daily? Would you spend a lot of time together? Would you allow that friend to disrespect your boundaries (i.e. Him going to your birthday party, sending pictures to your sister) Would you cuddle with that friend all night long? Would you even let that friend stay over? I don't think you have to treat this as all or nothing (as in...he is in or out of your life..I think your little girl would protest and I think it is ok to go with a more gradual approach)...but I do think you have an opportunity to change the dynamics between the two of you.
B came over yesterday (he was in the area so it made sense) and as much as I would have loved to have cuddled with him, we only occationally hugged...it has really helped to ensure my heart is at least tracking in the right direction because I hug all my friends. It was just an overall nice time of funny banter...exactly what I would do with any friend.
I really think it would benefit you to put some more boundaries in place with him...to protect your heart, but also to make it clear to him that he does not get an expectation/need free non relationship relationship...you deserve better than that..so he can either step up and meet you at the next level or he can deal with his jealousy while being just a friend. Just my two cents.
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Post by ocarina on Jun 5, 2018 16:49:07 GMT
Hey Kristyrose...I so understand...it seems to me that one thing you could do is put more defined boundaries around the physical intimacy and time spent together. As you have stated, he does not appear to want to make this official and it works for him because he gets to spend time with you and have no expectations....ok....turn that around...what would a no expectation friendship look like for you? Would you talk to that friend daily? Would you spend a lot of time together? Would you allow that friend to disrespect your boundaries (i.e. Him going to your birthday party, sending pictures to your sister) Would you cuddle with that friend all night long? Would you even let that friend stay over? I don't think you have to treat this as all or nothing (as in...he is in or out of your life..I think your little girl would protest and I think it is ok to go with a more gradual approach)...but I do think you have an opportunity to change the dynamics between the two of you. B came over yesterday (he was in the area so it made sense) and as much as I would have loved to have cuddled with him, we only occationally hugged...it has really helped to ensure my heart is at least tracking in the right direction because I hug all my friends. It was just an overall nice time of funny banter...exactly what I would do with any friend. I really think it would benefit you to put some more boundaries in place with him...to protect your heart, but also to make it clear to him that he does not get an expectation/need free non relationship relationship...you deserve better than that..so he can either step up and meet you at the next level or he can deal with his jealousy while being just a friend. Just my two cents. I think your suggestions are really great tnr9 - it's horrible feeling stuck and trapped in a cycle that you know if hurting you - but setting small boundaries bit by bit leads to a feeling of being in control of ones own life, it's empowering. Baby steps Kristyrose. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jun 5, 2018 17:54:09 GMT
Hey Kristyrose...I so understand...it seems to me that one thing you could do is put more defined boundaries around the physical intimacy and time spent together. As you have stated, he does not appear to want to make this official and it works for him because he gets to spend time with you and have no expectations....ok....turn that around...what would a no expectation friendship look like for you? Would you talk to that friend daily? Would you spend a lot of time together? Would you allow that friend to disrespect your boundaries (i.e. Him going to your birthday party, sending pictures to your sister) Would you cuddle with that friend all night long? Would you even let that friend stay over? I don't think you have to treat this as all or nothing (as in...he is in or out of your life..I think your little girl would protest and I think it is ok to go with a more gradual approach)...but I do think you have an opportunity to change the dynamics between the two of you. B came over yesterday (he was in the area so it made sense) and as much as I would have loved to have cuddled with him, we only occationally hugged...it has really helped to ensure my heart is at least tracking in the right direction because I hug all my friends. It was just an overall nice time of funny banter...exactly what I would do with any friend. I really think it would benefit you to put some more boundaries in place with him...to protect your heart, but also to make it clear to him that he does not get an expectation/need free non relationship relationship...you deserve better than that..so he can either step up and meet you at the next level or he can deal with his jealousy while being just a friend. Just my two cents. Hi tnr9, This is a great suggestion. We have in the past set boundaries, actually most coming from him where he says things like "we need to move on with our lives, I feel like I'm stuck and trapped etc- maybe we should stop being physical, we should not expect this from each other etc, etc." Then I feel bad and pull away, then we end up back where we were. The last time we discussed dating others was in Jan of this year. I sat him down and said that I felt we were happier together, that every time we spend time apart, we both seem miserable and ultimately end up back together. He said that only I am the one who feels this way, not him and that he sees us as friends and then he stated that he knew I would be unhappy with this, but he's ready to date others and wants to be open to it. After that, I decided to start dating and probably went on like 10 dates over 3 months and he still hasn't dated anyone. Just gets jealous because he knows I am going out with others. I guess I'm just at a a loss now. I think your idea is great though, I suppose I would have to be the one setting and sticking to them, but honestly it is the closeness that I truly love. I don't even want to change anything, except to say, lets not date others right now. He's not and I'm not anyway, and just leave it at that. I think he will just run though, the thought of me dating others bothers him, but I think it also comforts him in some way because he doesn't have to feel so trapped. It's weird and I sometimes wonder if he is just waiting for me to leave him? |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 5, 2018 19:46:08 GMT
Hey Kristyrose...I so understand...it seems to me that one thing you could do is put more defined boundaries around the physical intimacy and time spent together. As you have stated, he does not appear to want to make this official and it works for him because he gets to spend time with you and have no expectations....ok....turn that around...what would a no expectation friendship look like for you? Would you talk to that friend daily? Would you spend a lot of time together? Would you allow that friend to disrespect your boundaries (i.e. Him going to your birthday party, sending pictures to your sister) Would you cuddle with that friend all night long? Would you even let that friend stay over? I don't think you have to treat this as all or nothing (as in...he is in or out of your life..I think your little girl would protest and I think it is ok to go with a more gradual approach)...but I do think you have an opportunity to change the dynamics between the two of you. B came over yesterday (he was in the area so it made sense) and as much as I would have loved to have cuddled with him, we only occationally hugged...it has really helped to ensure my heart is at least tracking in the right direction because I hug all my friends. It was just an overall nice time of funny banter...exactly what I would do with any friend. I really think it would benefit you to put some more boundaries in place with him...to protect your heart, but also to make it clear to him that he does not get an expectation/need free non relationship relationship...you deserve better than that..so he can either step up and meet you at the next level or he can deal with his jealousy while being just a friend. Just my two cents. Hi tnr9 , This is a great suggestion. We have in the past set boundaries, actually most coming from him where he says things like "we need to move on with our lives, I feel like I'm stuck and trapped etc- maybe we should stop being physical, we should not expect this from each other etc, etc." Then I feel bad and pull away, then we end up back where we were. The last time we discussed dating others was in Jan of this year. I sat him down and said that I felt we were happier together, that every time we spend time apart, we both seem miserable and ultimately end up back together. He said that only I am the one who feels this way, not him and that he sees us as friends and then he stated that he knew I would be unhappy with this, but he's ready to date others and wants to be open to it. After that, I decided to start dating and probably went on like 10 dates over 3 months and he still hasn't dated anyone. Just gets jealous because he knows I am going out with others. I guess I'm just at a a loss now. I think your idea is great though, I suppose I would have to be the one setting and sticking to them, but honestly it is the closeness that I truly love. I don't even want to change anything, except to say, lets not date others right now. He's not and I'm not anyway, and just leave it at that. I think he will just run though, the thought of me dating others bothers him, but I think it also comforts him in some way because he doesn't have to feel so trapped. It's weird and I sometimes wonder if he is just waiting for me to leave him? I understand Kristyrose...closeness is awesome. if you are good with the status quo...I wouldn't say anything....it seems that having talks about your non relationship relationship only pushes him away...and as you said....he isn't seeing anyone else. The fact is..you are exclusive right now...he is free to date others and so are you...but if neither of you acts upon it..well..technically you are together. But are you ok with that? If you are..great...if not..then yes, you will likely need to set and enforce the boundaries. The good thing is that you get to decide what those boundaries are..it truly is empowering to put a line in the sand..no matter where that line is. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jun 5, 2018 20:57:43 GMT
tnr9, Exactly regarding the talks. Every single time we talk its useless. It only leads to my being upset, we dont talk for a few weeks then we come back together as if nothing happened. Thing is, I remember back in Feb telling him I can't hang out with him if he's seeing other people, I didn't ask for a label for anything else, just that I don't want to be around him knowing he will be with others. He never responded to that email, and weeks later I ended up reaching out to him and we were right back to where we are now. He is free to date others, and pretends (when sober) that he doesn't care if I'm dating but as soon as he gets a few drinks in him, he gets very possessive. Just tired of that and would rather say, lets just be excluding no labels or pressure but I think it will only cause him to feel trapped and remind me yet again we are nothing but friends. This is where I feel like I'm going to have to pose either we see each other exclusively, or I'm done. I've dated quite a bit and haven't really connected with anyone, frankly I'm exhausted!
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 6, 2018 16:47:08 GMT
tnr9 , Exactly regarding the talks. Every single time we talk its useless. It only leads to my being upset, we dont talk for a few weeks then we come back together as if nothing happened. Thing is, I remember back in Feb telling him I can't hang out with him if he's seeing other people, I didn't ask for a label for anything else, just that I don't want to be around him knowing he will be with others. He never responded to that email, and weeks later I ended up reaching out to him and we were right back to where we are now. He is free to date others, and pretends (when sober) that he doesn't care if I'm dating but as soon as he gets a few drinks in him, he gets very possessive. Just tired of that and would rather say, lets just be excluding no labels or pressure but I think it will only cause him to feel trapped and remind me yet again we are nothing but friends. This is where I feel like I'm going to have to pose either we see each other exclusively, or I'm done. I've dated quite a bit and haven't really connected with anyone, frankly I'm exhausted! Do what is best for you. 😀 You are really sounding strong despite feeling trapped. |
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