Post by loveletters on Jun 5, 2018 15:06:43 GMT
Hey everyone,
It's my first time posting here. This is a bit of an embarrassing story. So please bear with me and not judge me?
I'm anxious preoccupied and recently had an encounter with a man I met from a dating site. We have been talking for almost a month before we met in person. He is charming, intelligent and quite open about how he feels and what he thinks. The first time we met, he was very keen on me. He told me he it's been a while since he liked someone like me and it's intense for him. I had to slow him down a bit, and then slowly I fell for him and then he backed off. We are both foreigners in the country we're in, and at first he looked up my visa stuff and mentioned going with him to a country where he has an apartment and sounded serious. I was very happy but within a week, he changed his mind and called me a 'friend'. We had been some what intimate before that and held hands so I didn't see him as a 'friend' but he decided that he was 'no good for me' or it would not work because of jobs and visas when before he said that was not the problem and we would sort it out. He changed his mind or feelings so quickly. I was deeply saddened.
But I couldn't stop myself from wanting to see him because I felt so attached and taken up already while he was trying to take more distance. So we met again one day and then after some what having sex, he joked about not ejaculating in me because we're not anything and no way he wants to get me pregnant, maybe some other guy. I was very hurt by that comment and felt emotionally ill because I realized then that he really only saw me as a 'friend'. So I told him I wanted to leave and go home. He was shocked because earlier, I said I would stay the night. He said "That's not a very loving thing to do." Then I said I don't think I could be friends with him, it's not so black and white for me." And then he got angry and later said that he felt some what used, like I had sex with him and just want to go. I don't believe that was what he was hurt about because he seem fine to be friends and have sex? He has a health issue, some kind of growth in his stomache and is due for surgery soon and it gives him a lot of pain, so after sex, when he told me about the pain, I couldn't respond because I myself was in anxiety and pain, and he said "I told you about my pain and you didn't even care." I don't know if he's just trying to find fault with me so he could throw me out of the house. I'm so confused. But I've always cared about his pain, I offered to help him during surgery and after but he refused.
So long story short, he was so mad that he asked me to leave his house at 1am. I was so afraid and begged him to let me stay and to talk it out and not end it like that. He refused to talk and said he does not want to talk anymore and demanded I leave his house and started calling a taxi for me. He said that I only want to talk when I want to talk and when he had asked me to talk and tell my feelings I only say 1 word. I admit that is true because I'm so afraid to reveal my feelings to him for fear of him abandoning me. I had always held back my feelings for him (but I think he knows I am into him because he would not reassure me whenever I joked about it).
All in all, it was such a bad experience for me. I have to say, he was the first person he was able to at least penetrate me. Sorry if this is a bit graphic but I am 35 and never been able to have penetrative sex due to lots of reasons. But he helped me. I am so ashamed and embarrassed. I really fell hard and fast for him but he friendzoned me really quickly and I just couldn't stop myself from seeing him. I begged and cried the last night and he said some not nice things to me.
I just don't know who this person is. He was so nice initially. He told me he's not here to f**k me and that he wanted to get to know me. He bought me clothes, fed me, offered me his space knowing that I was looking for a place to stay and all that. I just don't know why it ended that way. I haven't been able to forget about him though I have blocked him.
My question is, I'm leaving the country this Thursday. And a big part of me wants to write to him how I feel (not that I love him) but just to say what's on my heart like I do now. Except the 'falling hard' for him. I don't know what he is thinking or if he acted that way to get rid of me so that I will never go back to him or that was truly the 'real him'. I don't know anything but I feel I should leave some note or something as I blocked him.
Or should I just leave it and put all this behind?
It's my first time posting here. This is a bit of an embarrassing story. So please bear with me and not judge me?
I'm anxious preoccupied and recently had an encounter with a man I met from a dating site. We have been talking for almost a month before we met in person. He is charming, intelligent and quite open about how he feels and what he thinks. The first time we met, he was very keen on me. He told me he it's been a while since he liked someone like me and it's intense for him. I had to slow him down a bit, and then slowly I fell for him and then he backed off. We are both foreigners in the country we're in, and at first he looked up my visa stuff and mentioned going with him to a country where he has an apartment and sounded serious. I was very happy but within a week, he changed his mind and called me a 'friend'. We had been some what intimate before that and held hands so I didn't see him as a 'friend' but he decided that he was 'no good for me' or it would not work because of jobs and visas when before he said that was not the problem and we would sort it out. He changed his mind or feelings so quickly. I was deeply saddened.
But I couldn't stop myself from wanting to see him because I felt so attached and taken up already while he was trying to take more distance. So we met again one day and then after some what having sex, he joked about not ejaculating in me because we're not anything and no way he wants to get me pregnant, maybe some other guy. I was very hurt by that comment and felt emotionally ill because I realized then that he really only saw me as a 'friend'. So I told him I wanted to leave and go home. He was shocked because earlier, I said I would stay the night. He said "That's not a very loving thing to do." Then I said I don't think I could be friends with him, it's not so black and white for me." And then he got angry and later said that he felt some what used, like I had sex with him and just want to go. I don't believe that was what he was hurt about because he seem fine to be friends and have sex? He has a health issue, some kind of growth in his stomache and is due for surgery soon and it gives him a lot of pain, so after sex, when he told me about the pain, I couldn't respond because I myself was in anxiety and pain, and he said "I told you about my pain and you didn't even care." I don't know if he's just trying to find fault with me so he could throw me out of the house. I'm so confused. But I've always cared about his pain, I offered to help him during surgery and after but he refused.
So long story short, he was so mad that he asked me to leave his house at 1am. I was so afraid and begged him to let me stay and to talk it out and not end it like that. He refused to talk and said he does not want to talk anymore and demanded I leave his house and started calling a taxi for me. He said that I only want to talk when I want to talk and when he had asked me to talk and tell my feelings I only say 1 word. I admit that is true because I'm so afraid to reveal my feelings to him for fear of him abandoning me. I had always held back my feelings for him (but I think he knows I am into him because he would not reassure me whenever I joked about it).
All in all, it was such a bad experience for me. I have to say, he was the first person he was able to at least penetrate me. Sorry if this is a bit graphic but I am 35 and never been able to have penetrative sex due to lots of reasons. But he helped me. I am so ashamed and embarrassed. I really fell hard and fast for him but he friendzoned me really quickly and I just couldn't stop myself from seeing him. I begged and cried the last night and he said some not nice things to me.
I just don't know who this person is. He was so nice initially. He told me he's not here to f**k me and that he wanted to get to know me. He bought me clothes, fed me, offered me his space knowing that I was looking for a place to stay and all that. I just don't know why it ended that way. I haven't been able to forget about him though I have blocked him.
My question is, I'm leaving the country this Thursday. And a big part of me wants to write to him how I feel (not that I love him) but just to say what's on my heart like I do now. Except the 'falling hard' for him. I don't know what he is thinking or if he acted that way to get rid of me so that I will never go back to him or that was truly the 'real him'. I don't know anything but I feel I should leave some note or something as I blocked him.
Or should I just leave it and put all this behind?
Is my post too long? Should I summarize it?
