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Post by mistakes on Jun 6, 2018 10:34:08 GMT
Hi all, I would like to express my need, for me to either move on or for the bread crumb friendship to change.
Here it is, please advice on how to express better, so that the person that might be FA would understand what i truth lu mean, instead of misunderstood and get triggered?
It feels like that, our normal interaction is lost as we no longer see each other and things becomes physical. Regardless of your intention, I find it hurtful. You are always welcome to text me when you want me as a friend.
The text above, am I clear that I’ll no longer text him if he stays silent? Did I sounded like I told him what to do? Is it clear that it’s the end for me or do I sounded too friendly that seemed another bid as usual?
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Post by mistakes on Jun 6, 2018 10:49:31 GMT
It sounded like I am outing guilt on him to ask for friendship, which I’m not, yet not sure how to communicate
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Post by loveletters on Jun 6, 2018 11:06:12 GMT
Hi all, I would like to express my need, for me to either move on or for the bread crumb friendship to change. It feels like that, our normal interaction is lost as we no longer see each other and things becomes physical. Regardless of your intention, I find it hurtful. You are always welcome to text me when you want me as a friend. I find your statement confusing and doesn't align with your goal. You said you want to express your need. So am I guessing that your need is for a relationship and for more connection? You are not willing to be physical while remaining friends? Your feelings are probably: sad and hurt Your needs: partnership, intimacy, to be heard and connection So maybe you can say, "Hi I haven't heard from you for x days and I'm a bit sad about that. I find it hurtful that I'm not able to talk to you as much as I hope for, and I would like for more closeness than we have now as friends if we continue to be physically intimate. How is it for you to hear this?" |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2018 11:26:49 GMT
It sounds like what you really want to do is- you want to hand over the reins to him, not to move on. He'll get triggered, in my honest opinion. He'll either recognize it and treat it as manipulation or he'll think you're accusing him of hurting you and moving on. You have to decide what you really want to do. If you want to move on, move on, don't leave any kind of hope aka "let's be friends*wink wink*" No contact is the best thing you can do. What loveletters said, I'm sorry but as FA I'd feel suffocated and run even more. |
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Post by loveletters on Jun 6, 2018 11:34:17 GMT
It sounds like what you really want to do is- you want to hand over the reins to him, not to move on. He'll get triggered, in my honest opinion. He'll either recognize it and treat it as manipulation or he'll think you're accusing him of hurting you and moving on. You have to decide what you really want to do. If you want to move on, move on, don't leave any kind of hope aka "let's be friends*wink wink*" No contact is the best thing you can do. What loveletters said, I'm sorry but as FA I'd feel suffocated and run even more. Yes, you're right, and maybe that has to happen. Maybe it's good that he runs away, but at least she will know he won't able to meet her needs and to begin to move on and away from him. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 6, 2018 12:36:26 GMT
Hey mistakes...it is really confusing. Instead of texting him....which can be misinterpreted...first, get clear about what you want. Think through all the different possible outcomes..because words cannot be retracted. To Mechristie's point...don't send something expecting/hoping he will change...really consider your motives.
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Post by mistakes on Jun 6, 2018 15:13:58 GMT
Thank all for replying so that I can see it’s really confusing...
I want two things. I want him to know how he hurt me. He used to contact me when we got physically intimate, meanwhile telling me that he wants to be just friends without sex, sex was not he intended. And he didn’t know what to do, as he worried that I would still linger onto the hope. So I said I need a month away, to let go feelings for him, in order to be just friends. Now that I’m ok, we would no longer have sex nor false hope of getting back together, I’m hurt that he no longer text me. I’m hurt for feeling used.
The second thing I want, is that I will no longer keep texting him to think that we are still friends.
What I need is get this out of my chest.
How should I put it without misunderstanding?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2018 15:34:38 GMT
Thank all for replying so that I can see it’s really confusing... I want two things. I want him to know how he hurt me. He used to contact me when we got physically intimate, meanwhile telling me that he wants to be just friends without sex, sex was not he intended. And he didn’t know what to do, as he worried that I would still linger onto the hope. So I said I need a month away, to let go feelings for him, in order to be just friends. Now that I’m ok, we would no longer have sex nor false hope of getting back together, I’m hurt that he no longer text me. I’m hurt for feeling used.The second thing I want, is that I will no longer keep texting him to think that we are still friends.What I need is get this out of my chest. How should I put it without misunderstanding? I don't think you are ok, or can be just friends with him. If he in fact used you, explain your point of view and end it for good. You want to keep a door open, don't. Or at least don't give him ultimatum because you'll probably waiting to see if he texts you. Chances are he won't or that he'll cross boundaries and you'll get hurt again. Are there any benefits of keeping him around? |
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Post by mistakes on Jun 6, 2018 15:35:03 GMT
When we were in a friendship with the sex thing, he was the one that always initiated it. After a while, I asked him to help, so that I could taste the healthy friendship that he said he wanted, I expressed that it was hard, as he no longer play guitar with me, refused any topic for chatting when he was in my place, and it was more just about sex.
That’s why, I said I felt used, because I’m in a state for healthy relationship that he said he wanted, but he just seems to disconnect further.
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Post by mistakes on Jun 6, 2018 15:38:39 GMT
Thank all for replying so that I can see it’s really confusing... I want two things. I want him to know how he hurt me. He used to contact me when we got physically intimate, meanwhile telling me that he wants to be just friends without sex, sex was not he intended. And he didn’t know what to do, as he worried that I would still linger onto the hope. So I said I need a month away, to let go feelings for him, in order to be just friends. Now that I’m ok, we would no longer have sex nor false hope of getting back together, I’m hurt that he no longer text me. I’m hurt for feeling used.The second thing I want, is that I will no longer keep texting him to think that we are still friends.What I need is get this out of my chest. How should I put it without misunderstanding? I don't think you are ok, or can be just friends with him. If he in fact used you, explain your point of view and end it for good. You want to keep a door open, don't. Or at least don't give him ultimatum because you'll probably waiting to see if he texts you. Chances are he won't or that he'll cross boundaries and you'll get hurt again. Are there any benefits of keeping him around? I don’t believe he is using me. From knowing him, I think that he might be not knowing how to face me, and feel bad for just hurting me. He asked me to stay strong for not letting him to lead me into sex. The reason why I want to keep him around is his good side and how he read me like no one else. |
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Post by mistakes on Jun 6, 2018 15:47:32 GMT
When we used to talk, he said that he was bad to people when he was younger. Now that he is a new person, he wanted to be with me, etc.
After the sex thing for a while, I told him that I worried, he said that he wanted to end the unhealthy relationship, he felt like that he was back to the old self and he didn’t like it.
Because he was there for me through my hard time, he encouraged me and was a good friend for me. So I don’t want to walk away from him when he is in his dark time. But since he doesn’t respond much, I’m not sure what I should do is for him, and not for my own satisfaction... but after awhile, I’m getting more confused of what’s going on?
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Post by mistakes on Jun 6, 2018 16:28:15 GMT
Thank all for replying so that I can see it’s really confusing... I want two things. I want him to know how he hurt me. He used to contact me when we got physically intimate, meanwhile telling me that he wants to be just friends without sex, sex was not he intended. And he didn’t know what to do, as he worried that I would still linger onto the hope. So I said I need a month away, to let go feelings for him, in order to be just friends. Now that I’m ok, we would no longer have sex nor false hope of getting back together, I’m hurt that he no longer text me. I’m hurt for feeling used.The second thing I want, is that I will no longer keep texting him to think that we are still friends.What I need is get this out of my chest. How should I put it without misunderstanding? I don't think you are ok, or can be just friends with him. If he in fact used you, explain your point of view and end it for good. You want to keep a door open, don't. Or at least don't give him ultimatum because you'll probably waiting to see if he texts you. Chances are he won't or that he'll cross boundaries and you'll get hurt again. Are there any benefits of keeping him around? Wow, you are right! Guess I’m not ready to be just friends, for I’m still swinging in between giving up or sticking around... thank you for pointing that out, and letting me now how to express if I need to. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2018 16:39:04 GMT
You don't owe him anything, he'll manage as he managed before, what's more he's probably better than you think.
Keep in mind he might be shifting responsibility(for having sex, for sticking around, for improving yourself, for maintaining friendship) onto you, it can't be like this, even in friendship.
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Post by mistakes on Jun 6, 2018 16:56:48 GMT
You don't owe him anything, he'll manage as he managed before, what's more he's probably better than you think. Keep in mind he might be shifting responsibility(for having sex, for sticking around, for improving yourself, for maintaining friendship) onto you, it can't be like this, even in friendship. You are right again, in fact, he put the responsibility on my side, as he asked to to be initiative for making date with him. That is why I’m confused, because at his job, he choose to work for a good cause, my friend that used to work there too, told me that the job is harder than others with less pay. I adimire him for being so responsible to a place that is not that rewarding. He was always tired after work. Confused because he shifts the responsibilities onto me, I expressed once that it’s hard for him not to tell me what he likes, but complain when I don’t get it right. It was as if he was another person when he was with me. I would like to know why I was treated that way, and why he would shift his responsibilities on me? But as I ask for help, he would be more distanced... |
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Post by mistakes on Jun 6, 2018 17:07:28 GMT
He used to asked me to bath him, sometimes it feels like that he needed me to treat him like a boy. Maybe that’s where we were attached, our child met each other’s m...
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