flic
Full Member
Posts: 119
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Post by flic on Jun 8, 2018 7:41:34 GMT
I see two sides here. I agree with Tnr9 that you would be choosing to stay in a dysfunctional dynamic, and that it's problematic if the other person isn't also wanting to improve the dynamic. On the other hand, to answer your original question... yes, I do think that if you have AP tendencies and you want to stay involved with someone who has FA or DA tendencies, or you're in some sort of AP-DA or AP-FA dynamic, then working towards self-soothing and acceptance of the lack of communication and being willing to accept only what they're able to give would be how it is. If that's even possible for an AP-leaning person to do. Also, I've found it's worth the cost...until it isn't.This. More and more I keep thinking about how hard relationships are to sustain, for anyone, for a lifetime (or even a decade). Whenever I think about whether my ex and I could make it work again, I then think: we struggled after 2 years. Yes it was instigated by a massive move to the other side of the world and the removal of both our support structures, but - what would have happened if we'd had a baby, or moved again, or a parent got sick, or just the malaise that comes with years of marriage? Yes things were incredible in the first 18 months and it was worth the cost to me that he would hold back, not tell me things, found it almost impossible to be vulnerable and that we struggled to communicate effectively in arguments. But realistically, if these relationships are falling apart BEFORE anything major comes up, I don't know that they would have survived long-term even with a LOT of continual work by both parties. If AP tendencies are triggered in the first honeymoon stage of a relationship, i find it hard to believe that dynamic could change when the realities of a real relationship set in. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 8, 2018 8:27:07 GMT
Thanks both, a million! You have no idea how reliefvto hear that, I’ve been a lonely puzzling place for a long time, and friends that know only say “move on” etc, which I say to myself a thousand times a day and it’s not helping. If that’s a dynamic of AP-FA, for this moment, I won’t bit myself up so much for this ending, cause I see that it’s not my fault! I don’t think any relationship could “work” without communication, not for me anyway, and it took away some memory from him blaming me not trusting him enough. without knowing him enough or communicate, the problem is not about trust! Now I feel so much better, able to defend myself in my own heart. Thank you for letting me feel that I’m being heard! It’s been too long that seems need just no matter... Tnr9, also thank you for sharing your struggle with B. I would have thought that, being able to be friends again would make things right. But it seems that, for me to hold thus person in my heart without him willing to just say hi back to me, the struggle feels the same to you, even though you and B are “talking”. That took away a fantasy that, if W (the person in my heart) would talk to me again, I’ll be ok. If it’s not hurtful to ask you... why would you struggle internally about B? Is it because there are areas that is not ok to bring up in conversation? I think a lot of times...there is this thought that if I (meaning the AP) can just stay friends, then everything will be ok...because 1. I have gleened so much from these boards and understand the dynamic better and 2. Because friendship can be (at least it was in my mind) a gateway back to the relationship. I internally struggle because that is struggle I have always had....I don't get quite what I want and on the one hand I feel intensely the desire for what I did want along with this need to understand why I did not get it. So...taking an example from my childhood....I wanted my mom to love me for me....but it always felt like she loved me "sometimes" and only (it appeared) when I did things "right"...so I would hold onto that desire to be loved for who I was while also thinking that if she wasn't giving the love I desired to me...it was either being "withheld" or it was being given to "someone else" (my brothers, boyfriends). That truly is the root of everything...I have lived in this space of "lack" all my life really...it colors every relationship..and B unfortunately triggers all of these past hurts...not for anything he has done..but because of the reactions within me. Case in point..we have a good time and I think i will see him again (because I want to see him again, because I never stopped wanting to be in relationship with him) and then I don't hear from him and so I go into the scarcity mode...if he isn't spending time with me, then he is surely spending it with someone else...and that is where I swirl on innocent comments and think "there must be someone else". My mind cannot fathom (nor will it entertain) any other possibility. Last night was really rough....I would describe the feeling like a withdrawal...so much longing for things to be different...so many "images" and "thoughts" that he must be with someone new and literally going through every mutual friend and picturing him with each of them...it is exhausting work to simply watch myself spiral this way..even though I know exactly where this stems from. I will get through this...because B means so much to me...but I don't necessarily recommend this approach of trying to stay friends...because it does create so many opportunities to trigger over and over again. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 8, 2018 8:40:04 GMT
I see two sides here. I agree with Tnr9 that you would be choosing to stay in a dysfunctional dynamic, and that it's problematic if the other person isn't also wanting to improve the dynamic. On the other hand, to answer your original question... yes, I do think that if you have AP tendencies and you want to stay involved with someone who has FA or DA tendencies, or you're in some sort of AP-DA or AP-FA dynamic, then working towards self-soothing and acceptance of the lack of communication and being willing to accept only what they're able to give would be how it is. If that's even possible for an AP-leaning person to do. Also, I've found it's worth the cost...until it isn't.This. More and more I keep thinking about how hard relationships are to sustain, for anyone, for a lifetime (or even a decade). Whenever I think about whether my ex and I could make it work again, I then think: we struggled after 2 years. Yes it was instigated by a massive move to the other side of the world and the removal of both our support structures, but - what would have happened if we'd had a baby, or moved again, or a parent got sick, or just the malaise that comes with years of marriage? Yes things were incredible in the first 18 months and it was worth the cost to me that he would hold back, not tell me things, found it almost impossible to be vulnerable and that we struggled to communicate effectively in arguments. But realistically, if these relationships are falling apart BEFORE anything major comes up, I don't know that they would have survived long-term even with a LOT of continual work by both parties. If AP tendencies are triggered in the first honeymoon stage of a relationship, i find it hard to believe that dynamic could change when the realities of a real relationship set in. Totally with you on this...rationally it would makes sense to release all of my desires from B and find someone who would not trigger me at all...so I own that when I feel this desire for him...it is a very young place where there are not "options" (obviously there are no options to mom)...whereas, as adults and speaking from finding a suitable mate perspective, there are an endless number of options. So why "fixate" on someone who cannot meet all our needs instead of being "open" to all the possibilities that can? That is where I am trying to work with myself to nudge myself just a bit. |
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Post by mistakes on Jun 8, 2018 10:36:58 GMT
Thanks tnr9 for sharing the internal struggle in details, it reflect my internal struggle too! I just cried a tear of relief that I’m no longer alone and stupid, stupid is how I judged myself for not moving on.
I find it hard, because even determined to be no contact, the same possession, jealous, feeling exhausted from trying to detach yet, the hard to try, to stronger to realised its as if not up to my to choose. I just miss him and want his love, even though not wanting to build a romantic relationship at the moment, but you spot on! A love that the person is not giving me, but someone else, even just a text reply attention!
I want way out... and starting to feel helpless for the internal cycle...
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Post by mistakes on Jun 8, 2018 11:41:57 GMT
OMG! I just realised, being patients with myself is self love 😊 I just asked myself “what happen? Why are you upset?”, without judging myself to be at the same place again, and celebrate that I didn’t check W online status to find relief, but acknowledge that I’m hunger for live, and made myself a cup of tea😊
I might need to do this again and again, for not knowing how long, but it feels good now😄👏🏻👏🏻
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 8, 2018 23:36:24 GMT
Let me say though, I think it may be a myth that if you are in a mature, secure relationship you will *never* be triggered.... I think it may sometimes still happen, because our issues are our issues. The difference may be that when you are triggered, it will be something you can talk about together, and you can learn/work to not keep triggering each other in that same way.
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