|
|
Post by mistakes on Jun 7, 2018 4:41:19 GMT
Knowing that people are more complicated than attachment style, but I’m slowing getting a picture of what a “healthy relationship” with an FA looks like, special with ones that is not ready to change. It’ll be great to collect the pictures from here, I’m hoping to be honest with myself, what I’ll be signing up for, if I’m really capable of such dynamic.
The rough idea is that, one must have self-confident and self-recovery system, in order to stay in the relationship. Because it seems like that, any need for “discussion about issues or concern” of the relationship is likely to trigger a push and pull cycle. And since APs tends to want more or faster pace in the relationship, it is important to contain all the desire, learn to be happy with however much the other person is offering.
Find ways to self-sooth all the insecurities raised from the relationship, including insecurities from lack of basic communication like other relationships.
If the AP can’t be self-sufficient in order to stay peaceful and cheerful when spending time together, the relationship will be more rocky. And be prepared for the FA to disconnect without signs or warning, stay self-sufficient and living happily as usual, and welcome back the FA as they return.
Is that a basic picture for a... more long term AP-FA relationship to work?
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 7, 2018 7:38:05 GMT
Knowing that people are more complicated than attachment style, but I’m slowing getting a picture of what a “healthy relationship” with an FA looks like, special with ones that is not ready to change. It’ll be great to collect the pictures from here, I’m hoping to be honest with myself, what I’ll be signing up for, if I’m really capable of such dynamic. The rough idea is that, one must have self-confident and self-recovery system, in order to stay in the relationship. Because it seems like that, any need for “discussion about issues or concern” of the relationship is likely to trigger a push and pull cycle. And since APs tends to want more or faster pace in the relationship, it is important to contain all the desire, learn to be happy with however much the other person is offering. Find ways to self-sooth all the insecurities raised from the relationship, including insecurities from lack of basic communication like other relationships. If the AP can’t be self-sufficient in order to stay peaceful and cheerful when spending time together, the relationship will be more rocky. And be prepared for the FA to disconnect without signs or warning, stay self-sufficient and living happily as usual, and welcome back the FA as they return. Is that a basic picture for a... more long term AP-FA relationship to work? Actually...both parties have to be aware of their triggers and be actively working on them....the AP in the relationship cannot bare all the weight (although oftentimes we who have AP attachment wounding think we can meet the other person at more than 50% and have the relationship work). Remember that even a secure can get into an unhealthy relationship with one of the insecure attachment types. I think the goal is to become truly ok with who you are (really enjoy your own life so to speak) and then find someone who has the same relationship goals as you. It is also important (I think) to accept a person for who he or she is....all insecure types can get sucked into a vortex of the enchanted forest and seeing possibility in a partner and glossing over who he or she is. I don't think always being fun and easy is workable...because challenging moments happen where each person will want to know that his or her partner has his or her back. I also think it is important to speak to what each person needs from the other to avoid resentment and misunderstandings. |
|
|
|
Post by mistakes on Jun 7, 2018 8:10:34 GMT
I understand relationship take both parties. The reason why I asked only the AP side, is what we need to work on ourself, for the only person we could control is ourself
|
|
|
|
Post by mistakes on Jun 7, 2018 8:11:22 GMT
If what I picture is a general picture, then I could ask myself if I really want that
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 7, 2018 8:12:15 GMT
So I like to use the model of a secure person as the goal.😀
|
|
|
|
Post by mistakes on Jun 7, 2018 9:56:20 GMT
That seems a long way to go, meanwhile, instead of swing between giving up or sticking around, I want to be more honest to myself, what the relationship with FA would be like? Am I willing to sign up for that, at this stage of my growth?
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 7, 2018 11:29:59 GMT
That seems a long way to go, meanwhile, instead of swing between giving up or sticking around, I want to be more honest to myself, what the relationship with FA would be like? Am I willing to sign up for that, at this stage of my growth? I think you have to also consider that the FA has to be willing to work on it as well...it cannot be only the AP who makes changes. There is no guarantee that by making any of those changes it will work out long term. I think you are hoping for some magic formula (if I do this and act this way)it will lead to a long term relationship with the FA, there is no such formula. |
|
|
|
Post by mistakes on Jun 7, 2018 13:44:18 GMT
I’m only focusing on my part without hoping that would change the other. I’m only asking what my part would be like, even just that, if I’m able to do so, that’s all
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 7, 2018 22:08:41 GMT
I’m only focusing on my part without hoping that would change the other. I’m only asking what my part would be like, even just that, if I’m able to do so, that’s all But your part isn't to be half of an insecure relationship....that is what an AP/FA dynamic is....and what you are saying is that you as you are cannot find a more suitable partner....and that I think is what makes me feel sad. If you had said..what changes can I make to improve myself regardless of whether I am in a relationship or not..then I would be onboard with creating a list....but what I am reading is that you are trying to figure out how to be in a dysfunctional relationship and be accommodating to his triggers...and I fear over time that you would become resentful because you made changes for him..not strictly for your own growth..do you see the difference? Does it make sense? |
|
|
|
Post by mistakes on Jun 8, 2018 0:35:34 GMT
I see what you are saying, tnr9, and see that you care for my health and feelings.
But I’m not asking this to stay in relationship with that person as a romantic partner, I’m not hoping to get back together to develop something deep. Just as a “friend” that is not talking, during this stage.
Staying or leaving is a decision, but for me, decision is easier to be made if I know what the cost is, am I able or willing to pay for it. I have not decided to fit myself into to mode, in order to accommodate the person. This is the way I sort things out, hope I’m making myself more clear.
|
|
|
|
Post by mistakes on Jun 8, 2018 0:53:08 GMT
Wiring things out and dialogue does help to feel better.
Well, I just realised why I asked the question. The whole process of the relationship is not making sense, nor the way that he treated me. I tried so hard to just put a conclusion hoping to find settle in my heart. Attachment style is just something that I look up and make a lot more explain a lot, but to be honest, is he acting like this because he is an FA? Who knows?
Obviously, asking him just make things worst, not make the relationship worst, but he refused to talk and withdraw further.
By sorting out the picture, I want to look at my past, want to get settle. Please don’t jump to conclusion with another general advice like move on etc, that is why I got stuck. I don’t want to be stuck in the mind puzzles, it’s so tiring and I’m looking for way out, a path or route that I need.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 8, 2018 1:18:24 GMT
Wiring things out and dialogue does help to feel better. Well, I just realised why I asked the question. The whole process of the relationship is not making sense, nor the way that he treated me. I tried so hard to just put a conclusion hoping to find settle in my heart. Attachment style is just something that I look up and make a lot more explain a lot, but to be honest, is he acting like this because he is an FA? Who knows? Obviously, asking him just make things worst, not make the relationship worst, but he refused to talk and withdraw further. By sorting out the picture, I want to look at my past, want to get settle. Please don’t jump to conclusion with another general advice like move on etc, that is why I got stuck. I don’t want to be stuck in the mind puzzles, it’s so tiring and I’m looking for way out, a path or route that I need. No one can tell you what is the best path to take...that is a journey that you must take for yourself. I will say however, as a fellow traveler who is trying to become friends with the guy I once dated..it is not easy. I cannot speak for what goes on with B...but I can say that I fight almost daily a desire for a "do over" of the relationship while simultaneously "fearing" that I have already been replaced...that my role in his life has gotten smaller and smaller. Being "ok" with that...being "ok" with individual random moments when once I could count on certain days every week of togetherness...that is a change I was not prepared for. I cannot speak to what makes an AP/FA friendship work..I am not sure anyone in the AP community can guide you...you may want to pose this in the FA section and see what they say. |
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Jun 8, 2018 2:13:10 GMT
I see two sides here.
I agree with Tnr9 that you would be choosing to stay in a dysfunctional dynamic, and that it's problematic if the other person isn't also wanting to improve the dynamic.
On the other hand, to answer your original question... yes, I do think that if you have AP tendencies and you want to stay involved with someone who has FA or DA tendencies, or you're in some sort of AP-DA or AP-FA dynamic, then working towards self-soothing and acceptance of the lack of communication and being willing to accept only what they're able to give would be how it is. If that's even possible for an AP-leaning person to do.
Also, I've found it's worth the cost...until it isn't.
|
|
|
|
Post by mistakes on Jun 8, 2018 4:38:31 GMT
Thanks both, a million! You have no idea how reliefvto hear that, I’ve been a lonely puzzling place for a long time, and friends that know only say “move on” etc, which I say to myself a thousand times a day and it’s not helping.
If that’s a dynamic of AP-FA, for this moment, I won’t bit myself up so much for this ending, cause I see that it’s not my fault! I don’t think any relationship could “work” without communication, not for me anyway, and it took away some memory from him blaming me not trusting him enough. without knowing him enough or communicate, the problem is not about trust!
Now I feel so much better, able to defend myself in my own heart.
Thank you for letting me feel that I’m being heard! It’s been too long that seems need just no matter...
Tnr9, also thank you for sharing your struggle with B. I would have thought that, being able to be friends again would make things right. But it seems that, for me to hold thus person in my heart without him willing to just say hi back to me, the struggle feels the same to you, even though you and B are “talking”. That took away a fantasy that, if W (the person in my heart) would talk to me again, I’ll be ok.
If it’s not hurtful to ask you... why would you struggle internally about B? Is it because there are areas that is not ok to bring up in conversation?
|
|
|
|
Post by mistakes on Jun 8, 2018 5:09:06 GMT
Another mind puzzle that kept me stuck.
I’ve been wondering why he was distance to me when we were together? Is it me or is it him? The more major puzzle is, with someone else, would he treat them better like willing to communicate? Or he might be an FA which gave me comfort to know that it’s nothing personal.
|
|
