Healing Disorganized (FA) attatchment sty/ chock-trauma ect.

How to stop your inner critic:

Shame has 2 ways to steer you:
By criticizing you: You're not good enough, handsome enough, intelligent enough, successful enough, rich enough, slim enough, entertaining enough, happy enough.
By asking you, "Who do you think you are?

What do you do about these two - your inner critic?

Find out where the critical voice comes from
Tip: Also look into your childhood. Someone may not have said these things to you. They may just as well have been signed to you indirectly

Even though you are probably the harsh voice of the critical voice, examine how it has actually protected you.
Originally.
And now!
You can be sure that its intention is positive.
That it works to take care of you. Even you can be loved

If that is possible for you, appreciate its intention and its great efforts. Maybe it has worked 24/7 without holidays or just one day off

If you are too angry with your inner critic to appreciate it, allow the anger.
Say (you can write it on paper) to your inner critic:
"I'm angry with you all the times you've said that ... .."
"I am so angry that I would like to ..."

Then ask your inner critic to help you be loved and Be a part of the group in a better way!

Release old deep grief:

Are you walking around with old grief in the body?
Many of us have taught us to be strong, not to cry. No one should see our feelings, we must be strong for others and we get together.

Old grief in the body may be from the loss of a dear person in the family, a friend ect.
Grief in the body may have other causes: A divorce can be sad and experienced as a loss. If we have lost a job or home, it can be a big loss. Having felt unwanted by parents If you are a healer, you may have taken on someone else's grief. There may be things that didn't stay the way you wanted.

How to recognize grief in the body:
Don't be surprised if there is heaviness, sadness, melancholy, sense of loneliness,
Physical pain, sinus problems, overweight are all about old grief you haven't processed and released.

Grief can sit in many places in the body.
Primary symptoms of Grief can be a tense chest, overwhelmed, aching upper arm muscles as well as Tightened thighs.
There may be locks on the spine. Behind all the anger or fear we are walking around with, there is usually a sadness behind.
When grief has not been redeemed, it is stored in our body and in our cells.
We release grief through tears and crying. Have you seen someone crying, you may have noticed that it seems to come deep down from the body, and it makes sense, because grief is associated with the lungs giving us life.
The deep cavities helps the body to release the grief. But many have never learned or allowed themselves to mourn.

t.ted.com/rTkDHsw


Mourning the loss of a loved one isn’t efficient, compact or logical, and it changes us forever....

"....Researchers found that parents did not even necessarily need to be abusive or neglectful to produce this desorganised attachment pattern. Parents who had themselves been abused or neglected sometimes looked scared when their babies cried. It's as if they were remembering on some deep level their own experiences of distress and fear related to their own parents. Babies see these faces full of fear and become fearful themselves. This stems from our evolution as primates who survived by living in groups. If one monkey in a tree sees a tiger it looks scared. A monkey sitting next to this one may not see the tiger but sees the fear on the face of its friend and therefore also gets scared. This fear behavior triggers a fight/flight response in BOTH monkeys. The one who saw the tiger and the one who only saw his friend looking scared. But now both monkey's bodies are in a fight/flight state, giving them both an equal chance of getting away safely. So as humans when we see someone who looks scared, we also get scared, even if we have no idea what they are responding to.

To a dependent baby, having a caregiver who is all of a sudden acting scared or checked-out can generate fear in the infant. Babies depend on caregivers to be calm and present. So if they see you really scared or off in another place in your head for more than a few second they can get scared themselves. Are you going to be able to take care of them in that moment? Will they be safe?

This kind of situation, if it happens regularly, can create what we call and "unresolved" or "disorganized" attachment style. Babies can, of course, also end up with a disorganized style from direct abuse or neglect. So if your parent was violent, or regularly threatening, or even severely depressed or drunk a lot of the time, you may as a baby have been scared that you were not going to be well cared for. And you may have had experienced where your caregiver was directly hurting you. This puts you in a bind-- the same person who is supposed to help you feel safe is now making you feel unsafe. The human brain does not have a good way of dealing with that dilemma. The kids are trying to attach to a parent to stay safe (our evolutionary strategy of being physically close to our protector) while at the same time either knowing in that moment that the parent may not be safe or having had numerous experiences that the parent has not been safe in the past.

Disorganized attachment arises from fright without solutions."

In an experiment "disorganized" babies would display a mix of behaviors. For example, when upset they may start to crawl towards a parent, only to freeze mid-way and "zone out" for 10+ seconds. This is what is considered a "lapse" in strategy. A secure baby will continue to move towards the parent, not stop mid way and freeze for a prolonged period of time. Or a baby may back away from a parent when upset, which is the opposite of what a secure baby will do. Of all of the 4 strategies researched these kids had the highest risk for bad outcomes such as mental illness (including depression, anxiety, substance abuse, personality disorders, etc). They were also at risk for criminal behavior and had more trouble in school academically and behaviorally. Kids in this category show more dissociation-- from mini episodes to more prolonged states of "checking out". They may also block experiences from memory so that they have gaps in memories from childhood. For example they may say when interviewed "I don't remember second grade. It's just a big blank".

How often does this happen That a child becomes desorganised ?
Research suggests that anywhere from 15-30% of average (not particularly high-risk) families babies or toddlers meet criteria for disorganization. If you limit it to just "high risk" families (where at least one parent has a serious mental illness, substance abuse problem or is violent) then the risk for disorganized/unresolved attachment jumps to 80%. If your childhood background includes abuse or neglect it is probable that you also meet criteria for this type of problem. Or if one or both of your parents experienced abuse or neglect in childhood or suffered from unresolved PTSD as an adult.

How does this show up in your everyday life? Remember that our attachment system most strongly triggered in two situations-- parent-child interactions and long-term romantic partner interactions. So with friends, or co-workers, or the person who is checking you out at the grocery store you are not going to see much fall-out from this. But as mentioned above, if you are a parent and your child does something that reminds you of your own fears in childhood, you may either look or act scared, move into anger or dissociate. In romantic relationships you will likely have trouble soothing yourself when you get upset (similar to those with the anxious-ambivalent/angry-resistant style). But you will ALSO, simultaneously, have trouble using another person to soothe yourself (similar to the anxious-avoidant/avoidant style). Again, like the disorganized baby, you are caught in a dilemma with no clear solution. You will want comfort from your partner but feel anxious/fearful about how to effectively engage them. It is likely that you will have difficulty trusting your partner. This can actually trigger your partner to feel as though you can't be trusted! You are may frustrate your partner as your signals are confusing. Remember, you are not doing this on purpose! You are stuck in a dilemma from your early childhood which you had no control over.

So what can be done about this situation? First, if you think you may have a disorganized/unresolved style I STRONGLY recommend seeing a therapist who is both trained in attachment theory AND trauma treatments. This will give you the best chance of moving from what in adults we call an "unresolved" style to a "resolved" one. Making this jump helps to reduce or alleviate the problematic behaviors of not being able to trust or rely on your attachment figure and problems in self-soothing.


Remember, as much as a third of us from "low-risk" families may be disorganized and the rates are even higher if your parents struggled with significant emotional issues including their own past childhood trauma. No one is passing this along on purpose".

And having a disorganized/unresolved classification does not mean that you cannot be successful in life. A guess that certain well-known figures who have become very successful probably would fit into this category (think any celebrity/public figure who have mentioned abuse or severe neglect in their childhood, such as Oprah Winfrey, Maya Angelou, Chevy Chase, Queen Latifah, Bill Clinton, Gloria Steinham, Ludwig van Beethoven, Billie Holiday, Carlos Santana, Johannes Brahms). If many of these highly successful people can rise above their difficult childhoods and potential unresolved attachment then we all have that capacity. However, getting the right kind of help will significantly increase your odds and make the journey a lot easier.

Researchers never simply classify a kid (or adult) as disorganized/unresolved. They always give a secondary classification of "best fit". So you can be avoidant and disorganize/unresolved, or angry-resistant and disorganized/unresolved, or even secure and disorganized/unresolved. The disorganization/unresolved category has to do with whether or not your attachment strategy is consistent or if it gets derailed and confused when under stress. The other classification of best-fit has to do with what most of your attachment behaviors look like aside from those episodes of disorganization."



(Attatchment/PACT/psykoligist)

This, I can really relate to.

Hi, would this book be applicable to mothers who have insecure attachment themselves? I don't think my mother is narcissistic though I definitely feel like I'm never good enough. 

Apologizing:

People with fearful attachment styles generally want closeness but are too afraid of being hurt to get close enough to other people to get it. They are likely to have been wounded emotionally by those people they depended on most in childhood. They also are likely to have witnessed multiple intense relationship ruptures without subsequently getting to witness those relationships getting repaired. And so, they are not likely to have much in the way of a roadmap for how an effective apology works. They also are likely to have relatively poor ability to control their emotions and may misperceive others motives and intentions. Hence, they are likely to be highly distrusting, skeptical, and on-guard for being harmed or manipulated.

People who experienced more hostility and volatility in their parental environment are likely to have more negative attitudes toward apologies, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Not surprisingly then, Ashy, Mercurio, and Malley-Morrison (2010) found that negative and rejecting attitudes toward apologies, forgiveness, and reconciliation were related most strongly with fearful attachment.

If the fearful person is apologizing: Practice controlling your emotions in advance of the apology. You may not be able to pull off the apology if your emotions are too close to the surface. Of course, you know yourself best and will want to balance being emotionally present and authentic with being able to apologize without freezing, attacking, or running away. Write it down on paper before trying to do it in person because when you are in person your thoughts may become disorganized and you might not remember what you wanted to say.

If the fearful person is being apologized to: They may tell you to take a hike and that you are not forgiven. If they do this, try not to get angry or that will just prove to them that you were not sincere and were being manipulative. In another scenario, they may attack you and bring up other transgressions that you were not even thinking about. If this happens, just remember that your friend or partner has become emotionally dysregulated by vulnerability entailed for both of you in this experience and you are likely to be perceived as scary. Just assure the fearfully attached person that everything is OK and that you are still there for them. Ask them if they need some time alone to process what you said.

Keep in mind some common themes:

Do not go into an apology expecting to be forgiven. You may not be. And, no matter what, try your best not to lash out or get angry at another person for not forgiving you. Sometimes we do bad things and simply have to pay the price for our actions. Lost relationships and some level of pain are sometimes a part of that. Example: My son, says “I’m sorry, dad. Do you forgive me?”…meaning, can I avoid the consequences for my behavior? The answer is yes, I forgive you. But no, you still get to have the consequence.
Do not apologize when doing so could harm the person you are apologizing to or other people. Think it through carefully.
Do not apologize for one thing and bring up your partners transgressions in the next sentence
Do consider your motives for apologizing and recognize the extent to which you are doing this for you or the other person.
Above all, remember that you also are a person who deserves your respect, kind words, and support. Be kind to yourself and honor your own well-being.