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Post by mistakes on Jun 9, 2018 15:00:04 GMT
From the receiving ends, is there ways to tell the different between the three?
Ghosting and gone for good is because of triggered. But only after time when the person is back, that makes it “ghosting”?
So, should I imagine that breadcrumbing is not triggered, but that's the distant that the person prefers?
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 9, 2018 15:27:55 GMT
From the receiving ends, is there ways to tell the different between the three? Ghosting and gone for good is because of triggered. But only after time when the person is back, that makes it “ghosting”? So, should I imagine that breadcrumbing is not triggered, but that's the distant that the person prefers? Breadcrumbs is usually associated back to intermittent reward....where you get some of your needs met...just enough to keep you attached to the other person...but not enough to really ever satisfy you. |
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Post by mistakes on Jun 10, 2018 4:41:58 GMT
I think I’m asking from the “receiving end”. Let’s say, there were one response and non again, is that a triggered? Or the measure distance of the armlesngh relationship? I understand originally, the breadcrumbs is not an intended saying “hey, stay at that distance” thing.
As for silent for a while, without further pushing or texting the person (FA), and let’s say it’s been a few months, how to tell if the person is still triggered or, gone for good?
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Post by mrob on Jun 10, 2018 5:29:22 GMT
From the other end, it’s impossible for you to tell.
Before I became aware of this, all I knew was that I was scared, and I knew I shouldn’t have been, therefore I was wrong, and ashamed of my actions, so I wouldn’t talk. That’s the lot in one convoluted sentence. I was able to act against that in one relationship and was married for 7 years.
Post marriage and the reading of this book, and I urge everyone on this board to ACTUALLY read the book, I’ve been able to see the triggers, but even then it’s difficult. Insecurely attached people are difficult. AP, FA, DA. Difficult.
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Post by mistakes on Jun 10, 2018 6:23:24 GMT
From the other end, it’s impossible for you to tell. Before I became aware of this, all I knew was that I was scared, and I knew I shouldn’t have been, therefore I was wrong, and ashamed of my actions, so I wouldn’t talk. That’s the lot in one convoluted sentence. I was able to act against that in one relationship and was married for 7 years. Post marriage and the reading of this book, and I urge everyone on this board to ACTUALLY read the book, I’ve been able to see the triggers, but even then it’s difficult. Insecurely attached people are difficult. AP, FA, DA. Difficult. Thank you so much for sharing the inner feeling of being scared and shamed! It would let me want to contact less and wait for the person more, regardless of the consequences for my side! I’ve read the book but there were much that is not clear. After reading the book, I used to think that disorganised means desire for intimacy and feeling trapped is at the same time. By reading the forum, it clarify a lot more... I see the beauty for loving W (the FA person), even just want to be friends again. For me to heal my insecurities, I desire to learn to love without guarantee, which would set both of us free, hopefully. Being able to live the 180, sounds like a healthy self-grow anyways. Mrob, thanks again for sharing. I wish you the best. |
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Post by mrob on Jun 10, 2018 13:49:02 GMT
When I read the book, my actions finally made sense. That I wasn’t jthis nasty comittment phobe like then men that my mum and all her friends would complain to each other about around the table when I was a kid. Because that’s what I thought I was. I couldn’t believe it when I felt like that. I’d get engulfed, activated, behave in an avoidant way which pushed people away, I was (and to an extent still am) ashamed because I knew women wanted all in, loving, stable, be with you forever and ever, Amen. And I just can’t.
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Post by mistakes on Jun 10, 2018 14:25:47 GMT
When I read the book, my actions finally made sense. That I wasn’t jthis nasty comittment phobe like then men that my mum and all her friends would complain to each other about around the table when I was a kid. Because that’s what I thought I was. I couldn’t believe it when I felt like that. I’d get engulfed, activated, behave in an avoidant way which pushed people away, I was (and to an extent still am) ashamed because I knew women wanted all in, loving, stable, be with you forever and ever, Amen. And I just can’t. I hear that the book let you understand yourself better. It’s not a nice place to stuck in feeling ashamed. It’s amazing how much extra the insecure persons are giving already! a Constant battle with feeling scared or ashamed, it’s not an easy place to anyone to bare. So as the feelings of anxieties. At least, we will become experts of how to love ourselves, respect people that are different, and not take love for granted. We have so many fighters in this forum! |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 10, 2018 15:26:29 GMT
When I read the book, my actions finally made sense. That I wasn’t jthis nasty comittment phobe like then men that my mum and all her friends would complain to each other about around the table when I was a kid. Because that’s what I thought I was. I couldn’t believe it when I felt like that. I’d get engulfed, activated, behave in an avoidant way which pushed people away, I was (and to an extent still am) ashamed because I knew women wanted all in, loving, stable, be with you forever and ever, Amen. And I just can’t. And from the opposite side...I know men who wanted me to be chill, relaxed, easy going, fun and not be "all in"... and I find that I can't do that either..at least, not when I really care about someone I can't...I am passionate and all in. |
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Post by aislingt on Jun 10, 2018 15:35:13 GMT
I knew women wanted all in, loving, stable, be with you forever and ever, Amen. I've been so far mostly lurking on this forum, for the past 2-3 months. I really like your posts mrob, and have the feeling I learn a lot from them about a recent relationship, and possibly about myself. This is an earnest question: does being "all in" necessarily involve "forever and ever"? Can't one be the former without the latter? In fact, can anyone genuinely say they're in "forever and ever"? (Is my questioning this itself a sign of avoidance?) I'm asking partly because you seem activated by the "forever" bit in particular. |
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Post by mrob on Jun 10, 2018 23:05:26 GMT
I knew women wanted all in, loving, stable, be with you forever and ever, Amen. I've been so far mostly lurking on this forum, for the past 2-3 months. I really like your posts mrob, and have the feeling I learn a lot from them about a recent relationship, and possibly about myself. This is an earnest question: does being "all in" necessarily involve "forever and ever"? Can't one be the former without the latter? In fact, can anyone genuinely say they're in "forever and ever"? (Is my questioning this itself a sign of avoidance?) I'm asking partly because you seem activated by the "forever" bit in particular. Thanks aislingt. At least something good is coming out of this. I don’t think so. My ideal would be two people that live their own lives, and come together and share a life partnership, if that makes any sense. I don’t want multiple partners, but I need space as well. To be there when the going gets rough, enjoy the good times, but to have our own as well. This was described to me as “only getting the good parts”. I don’t think so. It’s a matter of how much sacrifice I’m willing to make. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 11, 2018 0:09:58 GMT
From the other end, it’s impossible for you to tell. Before I became aware of this, all I knew was that I was scared, and I knew I shouldn’t have been, therefore I was wrong, and ashamed of my actions, so I wouldn’t talk. That’s the lot in one convoluted sentence. I was able to act against that in one relationship and was married for 7 years. Post marriage and the reading of this book, and I urge everyone on this board to ACTUALLY read the book, I’ve been able to see the triggers, but even then it’s difficult. Insecurely attached people are difficult. AP, FA, DA. Difficult.
Which book are you talking about? "Attached" or one of Jeb Kinnison's? I haven't read any of Jeb's.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 11, 2018 0:19:56 GMT
I am not sure I understand the original question.
Are you asking how to know if the other person is triggered and thus away but may be returning or wanting you to reach out vs. if they are really done/gone for good/wanting you to stay away? Are you trying to "read" their motivations or the reasons behind their absence?
I agree there is no way to know if the person doesn't communicate with you directly or if they give mixed signals. You could have the courage to ask and maybe you'd get lucky and get an honest or direct answer, though not everyone can really give an honest or direct answer even if they want to. Those conversations don't tend to go well I've found.
Beyond that-- I think it's important to recognize that it's in the nature of the AP mindset to question this and to keep questioning it, to wonder and to keep wondering, etc. And eventually you may need to stop questioning it for your own sake and sanity-- if the other person really wanted to reach out or return, hopefully they would, but you can't be or be expected to be a mindreader.
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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 11, 2018 0:20:17 GMT
I am not sure I understand the original question.
Are you asking how to know if the other person is triggered and thus away but may be returning or wanting you to reach out vs. if they are really done/gone for good/wanting you to stay away? Are you trying to "read" their motivations or the reasons behind their absence?
I agree there is no way to know if the person doesn't communicate with you directly or if they give mixed signals. You could have the courage to ask and maybe you'd get lucky and get an honest or direct answer, though not everyone can really give an honest or direct answer even if they want to. Those conversations don't tend to go well I've found.
Beyond that-- I think it's important to recognize that it's in the nature of the AP mindset to question this and to keep questioning it, to wonder and to keep wondering, etc. And eventually you may need to stop questioning it for your own sake and sanity-- if the other person really wanted to reach out or return, hopefully they would, but you can't be or be expected to be a mindreader.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 11, 2018 0:43:15 GMT
I've been so far mostly lurking on this forum, for the past 2-3 months. I really like your posts mrob, and have the feeling I learn a lot from them about a recent relationship, and possibly about myself. This is an earnest question: does being "all in" necessarily involve "forever and ever"? Can't one be the former without the latter? In fact, can anyone genuinely say they're in "forever and ever"? (Is my questioning this itself a sign of avoidance?) I'm asking partly because you seem activated by the "forever" bit in particular. Thanks aislingt . At least something good is coming out of this. I don’t think so. My ideal would be two people that live their own lives, and come together and share a life partnership, if that makes any sense. I don’t want multiple partners, but I need space as well. To be there when the going gets rough, enjoy the good times, but to have our own as well. This was described to me as “only getting the good parts”. I don’t think so. It’s a matter of how much sacrifice I’m willing to make. So it is a matter of interdependency..but you want to have the "choice" to come and go...not have it feel like an "obligation" in any way...no perceived clinginess or smothering...have I captured that correctly? More like what I have read that a DA is looking for. |
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Post by mistakes on Jun 11, 2018 3:38:46 GMT
Wow, thanks for the conversations. Learning the AP tendency, as well as what the other person might need or expect.
I can understand more why the push and pull dynamic form. It’s my nature to wants to make sure what I’m doing is “right”, hoping to build a happier relationship. While independent and space is important for the other end. Perhaps the expectation of how the relationship work is the triggering factor...
It’s funny that, mind reading is not the intention, but lack of communication while wanting to have a better relationship. Say, if the person tells me clearly that, he wants us to be in an interdependent relationship, I won’t keep on asking. But that make the person say that I’m looking for validation, plus the trigger and push reaction, I would find it even more confusing, and that where the insecurities developed into th picture!
What a dynamic!
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