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Post by leavethelighton on Jun 15, 2018 1:24:59 GMT
The ocean can be very healing can't it...
I like this idea of a post where people can ponder the concept of "self love." I talk a good game, but the actual dailyness of life I have come to realize I have a long way to go to really master it.
One thing I'm trying to do is become more consciously aware of what I need/want but might not go after/do out of something like guilt, shame, fear, etc. and then ask for or seek it. I have young bouncy kids too (and I work full time) and I can feel guilty wanting to go step away and have time to myself since I only have a few hours a day with them on schooldays, and yet sometimes that's what I need. Today I decided I needed to go on a 4-mile walk in the woods to get away from technology, the news, etc. etc. and so I went and did it.
I think it can be a lifelong work to learn to ask for what one really wants and needs, both big and small, or to allow one's self access to it.
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Post by mrob on Jun 15, 2018 1:31:54 GMT
It's so easy to fall into habitual patterns of feeling hopeless, worrying things will never change - I needed waking up from that trance and am very grateful for the shove. I have just had to messages in close succession from clients - kind, reliable, stable people - one just checking in seeing how I was doing, the second offering to help with something related to my children and inviting me to an event - both were unsolicited small acts of kindness and generosity and I felt really affected by being open to their compassion - in other words it actually touched me in a way that very often kindness does not - it touched my heart. I had a disaster involving a pet animal earlier in the week and again - instead of putting on a brave face, I allowed me sorrow to surface - it felt good, pure somehow. I am guessing for most people this disconnection with feeling will sound like rantings of a being from another universe, but it's been my reality for as long as I can remember so this progress is really very wonderful. Sigh. Yes. The bigger the traumatic event, the less likely I am to be affected in a way most would see as commensurate. Feelings are risky. That’s a reason why the kids’ movie Frozen has such a gorgeous message. |
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Post by ocarina on Jun 15, 2018 11:37:45 GMT
The ocean can be very healing can't it... I like this idea of a post where people can ponder the concept of "self love." I talk a good game, but the actual dailyness of life I have come to realize I have a long way to go to really master it. One thing I'm trying to do is become more consciously aware of what I need/want but might not go after/do out of something like guilt, shame, fear, etc. and then ask for or seek it. I have young bouncy kids too (and I work full time) and I can feel guilty wanting to go step away and have time to myself since I only have a few hours a day with them on schooldays, and yet sometimes that's what I need. Today I decided I needed to go on a 4-mile walk in the woods to get away from technology, the news, etc. etc. and so I went and did it. I think it can be a lifelong work to learn to ask for what one really wants and needs, both big and small, or to allow one's self access to it. It's really hard to manage a family and a household and a job - more than hard and very very often as the parent our needs are naturally put last - I think it's as easy to lose oneself in motherhood (fatherhood too) as it is in a relationship and the consequences can be similar. Keep up compassionateavoid - we are taught not to be selfish but there's a difference between being self centred and caring for oneself. |
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Post by ocarina on Jun 15, 2018 11:40:23 GMT
It's so easy to fall into habitual patterns of feeling hopeless, worrying things will never change - I needed waking up from that trance and am very grateful for the shove. I have just had to messages in close succession from clients - kind, reliable, stable people - one just checking in seeing how I was doing, the second offering to help with something related to my children and inviting me to an event - both were unsolicited small acts of kindness and generosity and I felt really affected by being open to their compassion - in other words it actually touched me in a way that very often kindness does not - it touched my heart. I had a disaster involving a pet animal earlier in the week and again - instead of putting on a brave face, I allowed me sorrow to surface - it felt good, pure somehow. I am guessing for most people this disconnection with feeling will sound like rantings of a being from another universe, but it's been my reality for as long as I can remember so this progress is really very wonderful. Sigh. Yes. The bigger the traumatic event, the less likely I am to be affected in a way most would see as commensurate. Feelings are risky. That’s a reason why the kids’ movie Frozen has such a gorgeous message. Tell me about Frozen MRob? - I know the film but have to say I tend to avoid it when my kids watch it again and again and again - what's the message? I know all the songs though..... |
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Post by mrob on Jun 15, 2018 14:26:54 GMT
It’s worth watching it. I’m awful with synopses. That and “Inside Out”. Well worth it. The latter made me cry, I had to sit through the former a couple of times for it to sink in
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flic
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Post by flic on Jun 15, 2018 16:04:05 GMT
It’s worth watching it. I’m awful with synopses. That and “Inside Out”. Well worth it. The latter made me cry, I had to sit through the former a couple of times for it to sink in I made my ex FA watch Inside Out because I was trying to explain why sadness is an incredibly important emotion and to suggest that crying can be good - he wasn't really buying it... He cried watching it too, for the first time in around 5 years. It is a really great film for exploring how our emotions (literally) work together. Apparently they used a lot of science when developing it. |
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Post by ocarina on Jun 15, 2018 21:09:34 GMT
Must watch both of them - thanks Mrob and Flic I have drastically trimmed my inbox recently having felt completely bombarded by stuff an in an attempt to create a more peaceful life. One blog that I have followed for a while and which gets to stay is Zen Habits - it is strange how things appear just at the time when you need them. Into my inbox came this zenhabits.net/I find myself - like many of us I suppose, clinging to pleasant experiences and constantly wanting to make things better and this post was a reminder that it's just fine and infact really important, to be just where you are. Sometimes I hang around online just to avoid this and this is a habit I would like to tame - I'll keep in touch, but if I am less here than I have been you know why! |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 15, 2018 21:19:34 GMT
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Post by ocarina on Jun 29, 2018 12:30:18 GMT
One of the recent noticing is that the kind reliable and consistent people in my life, don't drain me. I have been spending time with these real friends, the steady rocks of joy who have supported me all along and when I am with them I feel free to be myself and leave their company feeling replete. My ex partner who appears from time to time, used to leave me feeling on edge, either euphoric or longing or resentful and his presence still does this. Other friends who suck the life out of me feel the same - it's as though people who need something from me to be a certain way in order for them to be happy, are exhausting and dramatic to be around. Others may need support but also offer it generously and without manipulation and with those people it's a joy to give and receive without constant second guessing.
There is a real danger in being involved with people who are carrying heavy baggage themselves and unwilling or unable to unpack it - I think that many of us, probably particularly women, get entangled initially because we feel sorry for them and then end up being dragged down with them and neither party is healed. Next time round I must learn to trust my feelings - if a partner feels unsafe it's not just exciting or spark, it's my body and spirit trying to tell me something. No more dementors however alluring!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2018 12:37:24 GMT
One of the recent noticing is that the kind reliable and consistent people in my life, don't drain me. I have been spending time with these real friends, the steady rocks of joy who have supported me all along and when I am with them I feel free to be myself and leave their company feeling replete. My ex partner who appears from time to time, used to leave me feeling on edge, either euphoric or longing or resentful and his presence still does this. Other friends who suck the life out of me feel the same - it's as though people who need something from me to be a certain way in order for them to be happy, are exhausting and dramatic to be around. Others may need support but also offer it generously and without manipulation and with those people it's a joy to give and receive without constant second guessing. There is a real danger in being involved with people who are carrying heavy baggage themselves and unwilling or unable to unpack it - I think that many of us, probably particularly women, get entangled initially because we feel sorry for them and then end up being dragged down with them and neither party is healed. Next time round I must learn to trust my feelings - if a partner feels unsafe it's not just exciting or spark, it's my body and spirit trying to tell me something. No more dementors however alluring! i made these same discoveries, and i love how you said it. i'm going to go back and read this all again, this is so good!! |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2018 15:29:30 GMT
ocarina, i too have developed an awareness of what you're talking about here. i relax into the relationships i have that are completely mutual, the same high vibration. there is a natural reciprocity, a natural flow of give and take, it's effortless like relaxed breath. when i leave their company, i am free to bring my awareness with me, into the next present moment- there is no hangover of any kind, no unfinished business. those low vibration people and interactions, the ones that are placeholders for original wounding, are jarring and uncomfortable to me now. interactions with hidden agendas have a totally different feel.
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Post by ocarina on Jul 7, 2018 16:45:12 GMT
It's been a gradual realisation - that I have been guilty in my last relationship of leading the classic dance - being the ideal woman to his hesitant, ambiguous and damaged dance. Had I the wisdom that I have now I would have quickly seen that we were both the guilty parties. Sure - he has never been in a long term close relationship (aged nearly 50) and there are things about him which make such a thing pretty much impossible - but this is him as is - he tried and I tried - but I tried one too many times - or at least many too many. When we parted I felt extreme sadness and some anger - but this was for my vision of a partnership that never was and never could be, my fantastical ideal, pedalled by the early euphoric days of finding "the one" - and then the later painful ones of trying to rediscover a him who never existed.
The real lesson was that I just couldn't see this at the time! Despite being ultra rational, we're blinded by our own emotions. I feel much stronger with this knowledge, as though at last I can really let go of even wanting this to work out - and set proper boundaries for both of us.
So the current challenge is forging my own path - a really unique one. I am thinking of building a house, one that will take bravery and some stepping away from the norm, to create a life that will be sustainable. I am cutting down on work - and noticing the discomfort and guilt that comes along with that but also the freedom from being brave enough to break free. I have had counselling recently focusing on my relationship with my very difficult mother and it's led to the realisation that I can't feel guilty for not feeling warm love for her - when her failure to meet me anywhere along the healing process and her lifelong withold of love and affection is genuinely not my problem.
Also thanks to these boards I have been re reading The Happiness Trap and trying to allow for happiness and peace with things just as they are rather than stepping on the hamster wheel of perfection.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2018 18:56:18 GMT
very very inspiring, ocarina. i am forging my own unique path, also. my life is opening up with opportunities and new dimensions, and this chapter for me is about continuing to learn about my internal narratives and habits that i carry with me into every relationship and situation i encounter. It's a precious time for me, as i work through my own grief about my relationship, and come to peace with it all. It's a bittersweet time! But the importance and meaning of it all is apparent daily. Thanks for sharing your process here, i love it. |
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Post by ocarina on Jul 7, 2018 20:09:26 GMT
Sometimes there's a kind of good, pure, grief, a healthy grieving that can only be experienced when there's been a true letting go of control of the situation - maybe that's where you are at Juniper?
After writing my previous post I went for a swim and met - yes, you guessed, my ex partner. Up came the familiar patterns of crossness and the desire to do something to make something happen -maybe to elicit a reaction, maybe to make him miss me - none of this conscious just the usual workings of the mind that rumble below the surface. But, hurray to me, instead I was able to genuinely wish him well and allow him to go on his way in his aloneness. That was really really good!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2018 21:42:25 GMT
Sometimes there's a kind of good, pure, grief, a healthy grieving that can only be experienced when there's been a true letting go of control of the situation - maybe that's where you are at Juniper? After writing my previous post I went for a swim and met - yes, you guessed, my ex partner. Up came the familiar patterns of crossness and the desire to do something to make something happen -maybe to elicit a reaction, maybe to make him miss me - none of this conscious just the usual workings of the mind that rumble below the surface. But, hurray to me, instead I was able to genuinely wish him well and allow him to go on his way in his aloneness. That was really really good! yes, that's where i am at. i continue to sort through feelings but gain insight each day and feel peaceful most of the time. it's a pure process, difference from the anguish i have experience in the past with things going on under the surface that i wasn't aware of. I get what you are saying about running into your former partner. I actually ran onto mine recently also, right after my operation. it stirred up all kinds of things in me that i was ultimately able to sit with and explore and release. and actually the whole situation continues to do that for me, and i see it as an opportunity to grow. i'm so glad that you are doing better. life goes in cycles and maybe it's just our turn to grow and branch out and maybe bloom a little more. |
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