INdependence, DEpendence, INTER-dependence (vs codependence)
Jun 11, 2018 9:56:54 GMT
tnr9 and lilyg like this
Post by anne12 on Jun 11, 2018 9:56:54 GMT
INdepencence, DEpendence, INTER-dependence: (different from codependence)
We are a culture that believes deeply in pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps. This overdeveloped sense of self-efficacy seeps into our families and parenting preferences. Bonnie Badenoch, co-founder of Nurturing the Heart with the Brain in Mind, points out that often people would rather die than reach out, or cling when they are scared.
Check in with yourself right now. What do you feel when someone approaches you in a clingy way? Be curious about this and continue to explore. What happens inside when you feel clingy yourself?
We cut off our own impulse to cling. If a parent or partner allows the impulse, the need to cling is honored and resolves because we could contain it and be present for it. Then the child or partner is not shamed by it, but comforted in a compassionate way and in a caring presence that heals.
This affects how we as parents or partners, react to our children’s (or our mates’) neediness and their real needs.
To be really in balance, we need:
1) A capacity to NEED. Yes, It IS a four letter word, but it’s a good one. We actually should inspire a DEpendence Day celebration in order to correct our hyper selfreliance.
2) A capacity for autonomy and independence, which our culture already underscores. We have been encouraged to be precocious in taking care of ourselves. Self-sufficiency is a capacity, and we also need to separate out and heal the “reactive autonomy” stance that gets in our way of expressing what Dr. Marion Solomon calls “positive dependency.”
Countries like USA, Germany, Scandinavia, Australia and more celebrates autonomy and independence.
3) When we have access to our real needs, we can know them and express them in a reasonable way. When we have our natural, age-appropriate autonomy in place, then we have the capacity for INTERdependence – which is realistic and true of all of us.
Exersice on needs:
What is your relationship to your needs and to the needs of others?
Whose needs are most important?
How were your needs responded to as a child?
By your Mother and Father?
To whom do you need to express your needs more clearly?
How are you well-supported or under-supported in your important relationships around your needs, wants and desires?
Do you minimize or maximize your needs?
Can you list your needs without shame?
Do you despise the needs of others?
Do you feel superior when not needing anything?
Do you over-idealize autonomy?
Do you over emphasize your needs to get attention?
Do you act needier than you are to try to influence your partner to get more connection?
Do you feel chronically undernourished in relation to your needs?
Are your needs now insatiable because the root of them comes from deprivation in the past?
Are you afraid of punishment if you express your needs?
Do you feel expressing your needs will make you a target for aggression or attack?
Explore how your relationship to needs relates to your various attachment styles.
We are a culture that believes deeply in pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps. This overdeveloped sense of self-efficacy seeps into our families and parenting preferences. Bonnie Badenoch, co-founder of Nurturing the Heart with the Brain in Mind, points out that often people would rather die than reach out, or cling when they are scared.
Check in with yourself right now. What do you feel when someone approaches you in a clingy way? Be curious about this and continue to explore. What happens inside when you feel clingy yourself?
We cut off our own impulse to cling. If a parent or partner allows the impulse, the need to cling is honored and resolves because we could contain it and be present for it. Then the child or partner is not shamed by it, but comforted in a compassionate way and in a caring presence that heals.
This affects how we as parents or partners, react to our children’s (or our mates’) neediness and their real needs.
To be really in balance, we need:
1) A capacity to NEED. Yes, It IS a four letter word, but it’s a good one. We actually should inspire a DEpendence Day celebration in order to correct our hyper selfreliance.
2) A capacity for autonomy and independence, which our culture already underscores. We have been encouraged to be precocious in taking care of ourselves. Self-sufficiency is a capacity, and we also need to separate out and heal the “reactive autonomy” stance that gets in our way of expressing what Dr. Marion Solomon calls “positive dependency.”
Countries like USA, Germany, Scandinavia, Australia and more celebrates autonomy and independence.
3) When we have access to our real needs, we can know them and express them in a reasonable way. When we have our natural, age-appropriate autonomy in place, then we have the capacity for INTERdependence – which is realistic and true of all of us.
Exersice on needs:
What is your relationship to your needs and to the needs of others?
Whose needs are most important?
How were your needs responded to as a child?
By your Mother and Father?
To whom do you need to express your needs more clearly?
How are you well-supported or under-supported in your important relationships around your needs, wants and desires?
Do you minimize or maximize your needs?
Can you list your needs without shame?
Do you despise the needs of others?
Do you feel superior when not needing anything?
Do you over-idealize autonomy?
Do you over emphasize your needs to get attention?
Do you act needier than you are to try to influence your partner to get more connection?
Do you feel chronically undernourished in relation to your needs?
Are your needs now insatiable because the root of them comes from deprivation in the past?
Are you afraid of punishment if you express your needs?
Do you feel expressing your needs will make you a target for aggression or attack?
Explore how your relationship to needs relates to your various attachment styles.
