Post by ceder3 on Jun 24, 2018 10:22:45 GMT
Hi all!
My first post here.
(This got very long, so skip to the end if you want to get to my real question please)
In my guts, I know what I need to do. But it’s almost like it’s impossible. So I guess I just want to share and hopefully get some acknowledgement that I’m not crazy.
Been seeing this woman for 3 years now. Pretty certain that she is DA. I’m anxouis, obviously. If anyone is into personality types, I’m INTP and she is ISTP. Not the best combo.
Last summer she broke up. Only to stay put. I went through hell between July and Christmas. We were in every sense a couple, only that she refused to commit to that. She kept me at arms lenght, wouldn’t include me in many aspects of her life, kept things secret and so on. The usual stuff. We both have children from previous relationships, and she does not want to hang out together with kids. So we see each other only every other week.
Around Christmas and New Year’s Eve last year, we had the greatest time. She could reciprocate in a way that really made me more secure. I had asked her earlier if she wanted to spend the New Year with me. It was a maybe. She did say something about plans with a friend, but nothing was determined. Then, the day before New Year, she decided to be with her friends. They brought their partners, but she didn’t want to bring me along. I wasn’t a part of the family, as she put at the time. Of course, now she has no recollection of saying such things. Anyhoo, this was a tipping point for me. I felt so abandoned, and decided that I was out. I mustered up the courage and told her. But, deep within I really wanted her to just express something, some kind of emotions, and I wasn’t firm. I broke up, but pleaded at the same time. We ended up taking a break from each other. We gave it 1 month. After that we should decide to break up for good, or commit. She couldn’t decide, so we prolonged it another 2 weeks. But she said somethings during that time, that to me meant we had no future. I was just to big of a burden to her lifestyle. So I aimed for a breakup. But somehow we ended up committing to each other. This was this February.
I did see some real changes in her. She communicated more. Opened up more. Worked on being nicer to me. We started to spend more time together, but not with kids. That remains. I felt better, but had this constant feeling, or fear, that it would soon go back to as it was before. And it did. She had a hard time at her workplace, but didn’t share with me. Only the facts, but now the feelings. She pulled away. Wanting to handle it all on her own. Got secretive. Withheld information. Made plans without including me. I started to get triggered again.
And then came this exact same situation again. In the end of June we celebrate Midsummer here in Sweden. A big holiday. We did have the kids that weekend, but I wanted to see if she was starting to change her mind about that. And then, only when I asked, she revealed that she had asked her friends to come and stay the weekend with her. With partners and kids. But, again, I was not included. New Year all over. Hadn’t I asked, she would have kept quite about it. So 2 weeks ago I tried to end it again. Only to end up continuing. She actually apologized for not being kind to me, and that’s a first. I told her that I need more confirmation from her, need to know why she wants to be with me. Not only state my faults. I can do that, she said. But did she even once say something in that direction after this? Nope. Instead she went back to silence. So now I want out again, but the fear is so damn hard to overcome.
Sorry, this got lengthy. What I really wanted to ask was about my obsession with the relationship. The weeks we don’t see each other, I think of nothing else but the relationship. And it kills me. Everything I do or think is always somehow compared or related to her. I can’t function properly, or the way I want. I’m not quite there for my kids. Always mulching things in my head. Feeling depressed, useless, not loved. Then comes the week when we meet, and all is well. Only to get right back to this miserable life. I really don’t want to break up, I feel that there is potential for somethings great, and I think I love here. But I see very little progress. She says that it takes time for here. And I think with time, things could get better. But by that time, I’m probably an empty shell of myself. And it is very unclear if she ever can reach to a point where I need her to be. Probably not.
We are going to meet tomorrow again. And I know that I will keep hoping that she will give me what I want and need, but that she can’t. So I sit here, thinking about ending this via text. Since I know I can’t stand up to her when we are physically close.
Any thoughts and input are welcome. Sorry about that messy text.
My first post here.
(This got very long, so skip to the end if you want to get to my real question please)
In my guts, I know what I need to do. But it’s almost like it’s impossible. So I guess I just want to share and hopefully get some acknowledgement that I’m not crazy.
Been seeing this woman for 3 years now. Pretty certain that she is DA. I’m anxouis, obviously. If anyone is into personality types, I’m INTP and she is ISTP. Not the best combo.
Last summer she broke up. Only to stay put. I went through hell between July and Christmas. We were in every sense a couple, only that she refused to commit to that. She kept me at arms lenght, wouldn’t include me in many aspects of her life, kept things secret and so on. The usual stuff. We both have children from previous relationships, and she does not want to hang out together with kids. So we see each other only every other week.
Around Christmas and New Year’s Eve last year, we had the greatest time. She could reciprocate in a way that really made me more secure. I had asked her earlier if she wanted to spend the New Year with me. It was a maybe. She did say something about plans with a friend, but nothing was determined. Then, the day before New Year, she decided to be with her friends. They brought their partners, but she didn’t want to bring me along. I wasn’t a part of the family, as she put at the time. Of course, now she has no recollection of saying such things. Anyhoo, this was a tipping point for me. I felt so abandoned, and decided that I was out. I mustered up the courage and told her. But, deep within I really wanted her to just express something, some kind of emotions, and I wasn’t firm. I broke up, but pleaded at the same time. We ended up taking a break from each other. We gave it 1 month. After that we should decide to break up for good, or commit. She couldn’t decide, so we prolonged it another 2 weeks. But she said somethings during that time, that to me meant we had no future. I was just to big of a burden to her lifestyle. So I aimed for a breakup. But somehow we ended up committing to each other. This was this February.
I did see some real changes in her. She communicated more. Opened up more. Worked on being nicer to me. We started to spend more time together, but not with kids. That remains. I felt better, but had this constant feeling, or fear, that it would soon go back to as it was before. And it did. She had a hard time at her workplace, but didn’t share with me. Only the facts, but now the feelings. She pulled away. Wanting to handle it all on her own. Got secretive. Withheld information. Made plans without including me. I started to get triggered again.
And then came this exact same situation again. In the end of June we celebrate Midsummer here in Sweden. A big holiday. We did have the kids that weekend, but I wanted to see if she was starting to change her mind about that. And then, only when I asked, she revealed that she had asked her friends to come and stay the weekend with her. With partners and kids. But, again, I was not included. New Year all over. Hadn’t I asked, she would have kept quite about it. So 2 weeks ago I tried to end it again. Only to end up continuing. She actually apologized for not being kind to me, and that’s a first. I told her that I need more confirmation from her, need to know why she wants to be with me. Not only state my faults. I can do that, she said. But did she even once say something in that direction after this? Nope. Instead she went back to silence. So now I want out again, but the fear is so damn hard to overcome.
Sorry, this got lengthy. What I really wanted to ask was about my obsession with the relationship. The weeks we don’t see each other, I think of nothing else but the relationship. And it kills me. Everything I do or think is always somehow compared or related to her. I can’t function properly, or the way I want. I’m not quite there for my kids. Always mulching things in my head. Feeling depressed, useless, not loved. Then comes the week when we meet, and all is well. Only to get right back to this miserable life. I really don’t want to break up, I feel that there is potential for somethings great, and I think I love here. But I see very little progress. She says that it takes time for here. And I think with time, things could get better. But by that time, I’m probably an empty shell of myself. And it is very unclear if she ever can reach to a point where I need her to be. Probably not.
We are going to meet tomorrow again. And I know that I will keep hoping that she will give me what I want and need, but that she can’t. So I sit here, thinking about ending this via text. Since I know I can’t stand up to her when we are physically close.
Any thoughts and input are welcome. Sorry about that messy text.
