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Post by kristyrose on Jun 25, 2018 18:07:21 GMT
Hi Friends,
So, I've come to the conclusion that being "friends" with my ex who shows FA behavior, is OK for now as I am not ready to fully walk away. For those of you who don't know my story, we dated for 2 years, then he broke up with me last april saying we fought too much and he didn't have strong enough feelings to want to work things out. I was pretty devastated, so I went NC for almost 2 months. During that silence he reached out constantly and I eventually caved. We have been seeing each other again for over a year now, bringing us to 3 years together, only he has refused to say we are back together, despite not dating others. We go on dates, talk almost daily, help each other out, etc.
Ok, so this past weekend we went on an overnight trip. I had asked him on thursday of last week if he was interested in getting away, I have a medical procedure scheduled thursday of this week and I'm really nervous, so I just wanted to get away and relax. He took forever to make a decision but finally said yes by Sat morning. That was irksome but i let it go. anyway, during the trip he was often very short with me, sometimes cutting me off entirely in the car, or trying to control the whole day- down to telling me when I should sleep! It was irritating! He seemed distracted at times, then could not stop taking photos of me, then when we got back to the room, we were intimate as usual, we cuddled as usual and the next morning had our coffee in bed. However, as the day progressed, he was back to being a bit cold at times, then short and impatient with me out of nowhere. We usually have a great time, but he just seemed irritated, then at times conflicted and odd.
On the ride home, he asked to come up and help me with some things around the house, I said ok but that if he's tired we can do these things another day. He insisted, but once we got to my place he seemed annoyed again and announced he was leaving in 15 minutes. I told him that was totally fine, but maybe just do the chores another time, (I have a chronic condition so haven't been able to get some stuff done). He insisted, did some things then asked me to dinner, I said I wasn't quite hungry, could we get take-out? He immediately sighed and exclaimed, I can't hang out much! I said no i just meant get it go so I can eat later? He just looked annoyed so I said never mind. I walked him out, he gave me a long hug and left. All I kept thinking was, why the hell did he even go with me if he was gonna act like this?
A few minutes later he sent pics from our trip, almost all of them were of me not even knowing he took them, then asked if he could bring me food- I politely declined, then he seemed pissed.
Anyway, when I first told him about my procedure for this thursday, he absolutely insisted on taking me and being at the hospital, I said that it was a bit of a commitment, will take 4 hours, but he kept insisting so I said OK.
Now, I'm not sure I want him there. He is obviously wanting distance and he is using various strategies to keep me away and actually just seems very annoyed, so I want to ask someone else and just let him off the hook, I also want to send him an email about our wknd and tell him I'd like to take a break in interacting, because its not particularly pleasant right now. I think he will be defensive and think I'm attacking him, I won't blame him, but clearly he is initiating this type of interaction.
At the same time, I know when he offers he really wants to be there and help and he gets hurt if I say no, so I'm sorta unsure what to do. His behavior this weekend was rude and unnecessary but i know he does this when he feels engulfed, yet why did he go? It's confusing.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 25, 2018 18:46:17 GMT
Hey Kristyrose....honestly..reading what happened between the two of you made me exhausted...just from an outside perspective..it is as if he expects you to read his mind..all that sighing and complaining and getting irritated...that sounds more like a child's response then an adult. I know you don't want to hurt him..but it does not sound like he is considering your needs at all...it seems so "him" centric. Now, I was not there...but I too would have second thoughts about having him drive on Thursday. I think it is a wise choice for you to consider your needs and ask someone else and give yourself a bit of a break. That is just my opinion. Good to see you posting.
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Post by kristyrose on Jun 25, 2018 18:59:18 GMT
Hi tnr9Yes, it was very childish and I had no idea what to do half the time. He seemed to be in a strange hurry yet we were in a river town which was all about taking it easy. It is nearly impossible to talk to him about his behavior, he never hears it and never apologizes. He even mocks people who are introspective, it's a shame. In some ways because I have some understanding of his behavior I almost feel like just letting it go and getting someone else with no explanation to him, however, I also feel like there is no reason at this point why I should not express how I feel and my experience. What's he gonna do? dump me again?! |
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Post by notalone on Jun 25, 2018 19:07:24 GMT
Oh boy. This hits so many things I'm working on in myself. Here's what I think...
He went because he wanted to go.
He acts confusing because he has FA/push pull attachment issues, which is exactly what you describe. He wants to be with you, and pursues you, then he acts/feels annoyed.
RE: "Now, I'm not sure I want him there."
Decide what YOU want.
RE: "He is obviously wanting distance and he is using various strategies to keep me away and actually just seems very annoyed, so I want to ask someone else and just let him off the hook"
Don't assume what he wants or feels, speak to him.
RE: "I also want to send him an email about our wknd and tell him I'd like to take a break in interacting, because its not particularly pleasant right now."
Good! Tell him how you feel. I suggest you use "I" statement. For example, "When you do this I feel like that". Also, is an email the best way to communicate this? You know best, but maybe consider a phone call or speaking in person. Just a thought.
RE: "I think he will be defensive and think I'm attacking him, I won't blame him, but clearly he is initiating this type of interaction."
You can choose your words carefully, but it's important to be authentic and say how you feel and what you want. His reaction is up to him, you can't control it.
Good luck!
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 25, 2018 19:19:17 GMT
Hi tnr9 Yes, it was very childish and I had no idea what to do half the time. He seemed to be in a strange hurry yet we were in a river town which was all about taking it easy. It is nearly impossible to talk to him about his behavior, he never hears it and never apologizes. He even mocks people who are introspective, it's a shame. In some ways because I have some understanding of his behavior I almost feel like just letting it go and getting someone else with no explanation to him, however, I also feel like there is no reason at this point why I should not express how I feel and my experience. What's he gonna do? dump me again?! Honestly...I would not even talk about his feelings or behaviors at all..as you said..he does not want to (or is unwilling to) address those..and you are not his mom or dad or any other family member. I agree with letting him know your feelings and your experience while you are with him...I once flat out told B "I am not your mom, I am speaking to you as a friend and would appreciate it if you could listen to me as a friend". Sometimes that distinction needs to be made...I am not sure it is relevant to your friendship..but B would sometimes treat me in the same manner he did his mom..so I felt it was an important distinction to make. In the end Kristyrose...I know you will treat him with respect and care...so if he starts getting pouty...that is on him. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jun 25, 2018 20:49:12 GMT
Thanks notalone and tnr9! I sent him an email simply asking if I did or said something to upset him- then I explained how I felt and that I noticed some tension coming from him, but did not want to make assumptions about his state of mind. I also let him know that it felt confusing and off putting and that in light of my procedure this week, I'd be happy to know what is going on as I need to focus on my health. I'm glad to send it, I have nothing to lose. But also, he has been texting very coldly since and now not even responding to a simple question, so there is obviously something wrong and I do not deserve this at all. Even if I annoyed hm, so fucking what- say it then! |
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Post by DearLover on Jun 25, 2018 20:53:06 GMT
I am sorry your having to deal with this on top of your procedure. Hope it gets resolved soon.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 25, 2018 21:04:26 GMT
Thanks notalone and tnr9 ! I sent him an email simply asking if I did or said something to upset him- then I explained how I felt and that I noticed some tension coming from him, but did not want to make assumptions about his state of mind. I also let him know that it felt confusing and off putting and that in light of my procedure this week, I'd be happy to know what is going on as I need to focus on my health. I'm glad to send it, I have nothing to lose. But also, he has been texting very coldly since and now not even responding to a simple question, so there is obviously something wrong and I do not deserve this at all. Even if I annoyed hm, so fucking what- say it then! Good for you Kristyrose..no...you do not deserve his non responsiveness. I agree that something is going on..but it is his issue if he isn't will to tell you what it is about. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 25, 2018 22:39:07 GMT
I've been there. This might be harsh (and solely my opinion) but there's no point in trying to make it work, if he doesn't want to open up those wounds which make him so insecurely attached, and try to heal them. He might like you, might even want the closeness and a relationship, but he also does not acknowledge what you two have together.
The point is, DAs (in most cases) don't really want to change, they are happy not needing other people and they need them only to a certain degree, it is their choice to be like that! But because they are also human and crave intimacy, and genuinely like some people more than others ( (: ) they might realise the differences, the problems, and will want to make it work, but only at the surface and not at the root cause of these problems. This stuff won't change just because you give him space, it might work temporarily, but not in the long run. He will again and again be irritated because he feels like you are overstepping his boundaries. There's nothing rational about it, and most importantly, it's not about you, it's all his internal conflicts.
Try to listen to your inner voice and have a real, honest talk. You have been together for quite some time, but you're stuck here, asking strangers to give you advice on how to deal with his erratic behaviour. And I say this with the most sympathy because I know how this feels. There's a good chance he will run as soon as you give him the real deal, but there's no way around it in my opinion.
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Post by kristyrose on Jun 25, 2018 22:50:41 GMT
HI @rosetta,
I most definitely appreciate all that you are saying.
I did send the email, I told him I don't want him to take me and he pleaded to let him take me anyway and that he needs an answer. I told him, he got his answer. I then called and asked my mom and she will help me instead.
His initial response to my email to basically blame me entirely- he said he had a great time, but also felt trapped but also feels like we have a dynamic where he has to manage that there may be conflict and that he doesnt have to do this with anyone else. It was hurtful, he basically made it out to be a chore to "manage me"- yet is always willing to spend a lot of time with me. He was basically a giant fucking prick. And I'm extremely nervous and scared about this procedure and all he can think about is how I said a few things about memory that pissed him off and that my email affects his mental health. All about HIM.
At any rate, I told him I don't want to talk to him anymore unless he is willing to sit down and wade through the BS, which I'm sure he will not do. That's fine, I cannot give this a second thought when my health needs to come first. I take this as a good sign I'm caring more for my needs than his bullshit childish banter.
Thank you for listening, all of you.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 26, 2018 0:48:59 GMT
Hey Kristyrose...I wonder if the whole "I need to manage you" is something he observed in his family....either between his parents (as in one having to manage the other) or in a dynamic with one of his parents (where either he had to be managed or he felt responsible and had to manage his parent). I don't know that that alone is an attachment thing....I could be wrong...but I too would have been angered by such a comment. I think you handled it well. I hope all goes well on Thursday...please keep us posted.
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Post by kristyrose on Jun 26, 2018 15:57:43 GMT
Thank you, tnr9! I do know about his family history, he has told me that his mother has never been angry with him his whole life and that his father told him to never show emotion or weakness. I'm sure it is far more complex than that, but the gist is that he has been told that he is perfect by his mother, yet expectations were high with his father. He also has a sibling he has to help care for, so I think he often feels burdened and trapped by anyone having needs or relying on him too much. As for me, I come from a family where its every man/woman for themselves and criticism and judgement were high. Also, my mother physically abused me, so I have a tendency to accept his behavior because its very similar to my mother. She took out her rage on me, and blamed me for many things, just like he does. Difference is, I've been in therapy and EMDR to work out these longstanding issues. And I think this time, I see more clearly how ridiculous his behavior is and how I actually am NOT to blame. Standing up for myself feels right. He texted me yet again last night pleading with me to let him take me on thursday, I said no. I think he wants very badly to be the good guy and I know he thinks if he takes me, it will wash away how he treated me over the weekend and he gets to avoid any talks with me. But, I meant it, I will not talk to him or see him until he hears me out- even if he can't truly hear it, I need to tell him how he behaves and how it affects me. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 26, 2018 17:26:39 GMT
Thank you, tnr9 ! I do know about his family history, he has told me that his mother has never been angry with him his whole life and that his father told him to never show emotion or weakness. I'm sure it is far more complex than that, but the gist is that he has been told that he is perfect by his mother, yet expectations were high with his father. He also has a sibling he has to help care for, so I think he often feels burdened and trapped by anyone having needs or relying on him too much. As for me, I come from a family where its every man/woman for themselves and criticism and judgement were high. Also, my mother physically abused me, so I have a tendency to accept his behavior because its very similar to my mother. She took out her rage on me, and blamed me for many things, just like he does. Difference is, I've been in therapy and EMDR to work out these longstanding issues. And I think this time, I see more clearly how ridiculous his behavior is and how I actually am NOT to blame. Standing up for myself feels right. He texted me yet again last night pleading with me to let him take me on thursday, I said no. I think he wants very badly to be the good guy and I know he thinks if he takes me, it will wash away how he treated me over the weekend and he gets to avoid any talks with me. But, I meant it, I will not talk to him or see him until he hears me out- even if he can't truly hear it, I need to tell him how he behaves and how it affects me. Yeh.it sounds like he wants to believe he can wipe everything away by doing this for you...it is probably a learned behavior to make up for mistakes. You cannot be angry or upset at me if I do nice things for you. Patterns are hard to break unless someone is aware of them and it sounds like he is really shut down in that regard which makes any progress seem unlikely. Good of you to stick to your stance of having someone else drive and not simply giving into his pattern. |
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Post by mindful on Jun 27, 2018 13:02:59 GMT
Tell him how you feel. I suggest you use "I" statement. For example, "When you do this I feel like that". Good suggestion. Be careful about using "I" statements with the word "like that" - especially if it's followed by "you" - because the word "that" doesn't make it an I statement anymore. I learned that the hard way, and it took me a while to realize that my I statements were actually assumptions or accusations...which ended up really hurting my ex and caused him to want to defend himself instead of listening to how I was feeling. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jun 27, 2018 21:28:15 GMT
mindful, Thanks for the feedback! Yes, I was careful not to make assumptions or seem accusatory. He texted me today wishing me well for my procedure tomorrow and that he's happy I'm so proactive in doing it ( I didn't ask to have this done, it's being forced) at any rate, I am too pissed off and hurt by him to respond. It doesn't require one anyway, he is just seeing if I will respond and wants to ensure he looks good. It's so (pardon my language) fucking sickening at this point. Meanwhile I am nervous and fighting anxiety about tomorrow and the people I usually have to help me are not available so I had to ask my mom whom I have had the most tumultuous/abusive relationship with my entire life. Sorry, I am venting a lot on this thread! ;-) the feedback from you all is really helpful and I'm grateful for it.
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