Post by anne12 on Jun 28, 2018 18:29:32 GMT
An attatchment thearpist explains, that there are two types of ambivalent attatchment styles and how it is played out (both can show up in the same person, but there can be two types of ambivalent):
1: Putting your own needs to the side, forgetting about yourself ect. and "cater" your partner and her/his needs, (""what do you want, what do you like, wich restaurant do you want to go to...") - not voicing your own needs and what you want to do. Forgetting about your own needs and wants in life. (It is my own fault, there is something wrong with me). This type more feels sadness than anger.
2: Complaining about your partner - a bit angry, "why do you always leave your close on the floor", why do you always have to work", "if you just did this, then I would....", "you never do...", "You do not love me...." (It is your fault, that I do not get love). A lot of anger is often a sign, that they have been "droped" many times as children. Often they do not understand their own anger and neither do their partner.
The ambivalent has this expantation in their system of beeing dropped, when they start to relax into the relationship, often after 1-2 years, when the relationsship and the partner is percieved as being a permanent partner and the attatchment to the partner kicks in. To recieve takes them into the abandament. So be aware of this mecanism.
Most important thing is to work with anger from the past of beeing abandent and the feeling of "beeing wrong" = I am wrong.
What is anger?
Anger is life-energy and were ment to get our needs met as babys/children. But when something happend, so that the child couldent get it´s needs met, (by reaching out for what it needed or saying no, to what it did not wanted=boundaries), thats when the anger was created.
The main thing for the ambivalent is working getting the anger transformed into life-energy again, to that you as a grownup can reach out and say yes, to what you want, and saying no and set boundaries, for what you do not want.
It´s impotant not to do "acting out" therapy but work with the anger in a gentle way, so you can get back into your own power.
Instead of feeling anger, (some ambivalents do not feel/show anger), but are feeling sadness and are more or less depressed instead and are not acting out.
1: Putting your own needs to the side, forgetting about yourself ect. and "cater" your partner and her/his needs, (""what do you want, what do you like, wich restaurant do you want to go to...") - not voicing your own needs and what you want to do. Forgetting about your own needs and wants in life. (It is my own fault, there is something wrong with me). This type more feels sadness than anger.
2: Complaining about your partner - a bit angry, "why do you always leave your close on the floor", why do you always have to work", "if you just did this, then I would....", "you never do...", "You do not love me...." (It is your fault, that I do not get love). A lot of anger is often a sign, that they have been "droped" many times as children. Often they do not understand their own anger and neither do their partner.
The ambivalent has this expantation in their system of beeing dropped, when they start to relax into the relationship, often after 1-2 years, when the relationsship and the partner is percieved as being a permanent partner and the attatchment to the partner kicks in. To recieve takes them into the abandament. So be aware of this mecanism.
Most important thing is to work with anger from the past of beeing abandent and the feeling of "beeing wrong" = I am wrong.
What is anger?
Anger is life-energy and were ment to get our needs met as babys/children. But when something happend, so that the child couldent get it´s needs met, (by reaching out for what it needed or saying no, to what it did not wanted=boundaries), thats when the anger was created.
The main thing for the ambivalent is working getting the anger transformed into life-energy again, to that you as a grownup can reach out and say yes, to what you want, and saying no and set boundaries, for what you do not want.
It´s impotant not to do "acting out" therapy but work with the anger in a gentle way, so you can get back into your own power.
Instead of feeling anger, (some ambivalents do not feel/show anger), but are feeling sadness and are more or less depressed instead and are not acting out.
