Hi juniper, aislingt , compassionateavoid , mistakes , mrob , serene13 , mrcamper and tnr9
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. This kind of conversation from different perspectives is what I was hoping for. It's helpful.
I wrote this down and then realized that it wasn't really clear what I was aiming at. I saw my partner hurting and at a loss for words (for a conversation with his grandmother being one example).Plus the Inadequacy from being sure he is the only one who functions the way he does.
I agree with a lot with what you,
Juniper , said. And you are right, I wouldn't walk up to him and blurt out what could cause negative emotions. To top it off I would also choose the timing, if another such moment would ever occur again. If it doesn't I will keep in mind that he appreciates outer peace more than the opposite and won't bring it up to disturb his well being.
Back then I shut up, didn't try to hug, just listened. It was the reaction he wanted. I wish I had known back then what I know now, though. I'm still riddled with blind spots, about myself aswell.
That's why I see myself as needing a bit of fixing myself. I'm slightly anxious-preoccupied but awareness has helped me a a little. When something scares me I educate myself about it as much as I can. Maybe a letter is bullshit and stems from my preference to words of affection.
Manipulation..the brain is plastic, and just as it was conditioned to react in the face of trauma, it can be re-conditioned. PTSD for example does not always last forever, even without treatment. Sometimes the effects of PTSD will go away after a few months. Sometimes they may last for years or life time.A person suffering might appreciate that kind of manipulation of thought patterns for betterment.
Being aware can make an adult choose if to self-educate or let it be. Once you put a name to it that door is available.
What was it like for you before you knew?
My approach made you cringe and that's why I'm here. Not to make you cringe, but take a good look at the side that doesn't come natural to me. You put the foot down for what is important to you. I do think there are stories out there, where adults helped adults. Those stories do not make your point any less valid, though.
compassionateavoid thank you. I agree that masks are part of everyday life. The Japanese even say that you have three faces. The first face, you show the world. The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are.
The only difference is that he described it as a great burden, what he says matters to me.As much as I might push this subject here, I promise that I have have learned to regulate myself outside this forum.I feel obligated, have to admit that.
mistakes I'm sorry about what happened with your friend. I can relate so well with the confusion that only clears off once you learn about what the other person needs. Like you I wished I had known about it earlier, it would have spared a lot of pain for both sides. But you know we worked with what we knew and did our best. It doesn't come natural and neither side can be blamed.
mrob Thank you, I have a practical way most of the time when it comes to my mother, but my sister and her haven't had contact in 7 years.When they do it turns into a conflict, so silence is all there is.
You seem to have learned a lot from each other, maybe that's why we choose people so very different from us.
I was told that he feels comfortable when I do the talking in social situations, while I like that he remains cool-headed in difficult situations. Not emotional ones, then the deer in the headlights shows itself.
But just because being overwhelmed by someone sobbing near you doesn't mean that you don't care. I wish there was more awareness, I too would have judged less.
I slowly get a sense of what a fight it can be, so I congratulate you for making progress. This helps, thank you.
serene13 I agree (after a little wow).In the end I am looking for unfiltered opinions and I appreciate him too. Maybe he knows of a way to reach out to your friend in a non-pusy respectful way.
mrcamper Thank you, your words come as a big surprise and are chickensoup for my soul.The prominent feeling was Naivity once you see your countless blind spots and replay old arguments that make so much sense now. I feel sorry for anyone who is not aware yet. It should be out there,popular and part of an education. Like PTSD came back home with soldiers and people started to become aware.
It remains difficult,but what a painful place when you have no idea.
tnr9 Very true words. Oh yes I was triggered a lot. I could sometimes barely recognize myself. The distance we have has given me calmness in order to reflect. I noticed that walking on eggshells isn't the right way either and I used to be less like that at the beginning. Would you agree? It's a tightrope walking. Thank you for seeing I don't mean ill.
I didn't want to spread out the topic too much, but there is a reason why I keep refering to PTSD. He saw someone after having comitted suicide, again I'm the only one who has known for years. We talked and he felt better. No one knows, he blames/ed himself for not having been able to avoid it. He couldn't have avoided it but that's indifferent as you can imagine. I see how this is important information. The combination of the two makes me very unsure of how to act.
. It's tough - every time I try to bridge the gap and not worry about what response I get (maybe once or twice a year) - I feel like if only I knew the magic way he would know I really care - I sense deep down that if I was able to find the right words to show I really truly care - he would understand - but I also know the valley is wide. I was never looking for some big relationship - but back when we were initially close I sensed a similarity in us that I wanted to know and appreciate throughout our lifetimes wherever each of us went - but again, the valley between us is wide. He showed me something different in the beginning and it was great 
