sally
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Post by sally on Jul 6, 2018 18:02:51 GMT
Hi everyone  , I am a newbie and grateful to have stumbled over this forum. I am in a 5 year long relationship with what I think is an FA (M26). We are in a long distance relationship but already lived together and have regular visits. He is a kind man and has a goofy side I fortunately get to see. But some things seem off. There is a conversation that stood out in its raw honesty & has stayed with me. One night he confessed that in fact no one truly knew him and that carrying a mask has made him wish to pack a bag and disappear. He said that if people knew his true self, they'd be surprised of how different it is and probably reject him. Besides it pains him greatly that he can't ask certain questions. He had a deep connection with his grandfather who passed away a couple of years ago. His talkative and tender grandma would be happy about any conversation but there is a blockage. When his mother cried, he stood on the other side of the room, lost and unsure of what to do. He is the helping hand everyone turns to, but his friends and family never ask how he is doing, I would go as far and say that they have a very shallow perception of him that does not at all attune with the person I know. Yet they come first, you have to be available and liked, otherwise there might be stirred up emotions. So he goes against his needs and gives. He will keep up a facade.During family dinner: Something has crushed him, but outwardly he will have a relaxed expression and listen closley. He will never demand for help. Grateful the focus is not on him, yet lonely.I feel I am slowly being pushed away for having seen what nor family member nor friend ever has. His inner core, the vulnerable, disappointed side of him that wants to be seen and stay hidden at the same time.He tripples the amount of sportive activity. It keeps him from thinking. When writing he remains kind but somewhat distant. When I try to voice my concerns, he ignores it. So desperate to keep the outer peace. I act along, but soon start to wake up with a weight on my chest. I try again and ask: What is this wall that he denies exist? Am I starting to become overly sensitive? He tells me I'm being negative for bringing up the problem he tries to brush underneath the rug. A week of silence...just a neutral family photo, no response. I become insecure... this has never happened before. After the 7.th day I reach out by phone, we keep it light. Not one word about having been silent. I finally tell him that during this silent treatment I had moments in which I thought it was over. "If you think like that it is your fault and not mine. You could have come here." Is this the new normal? It has been 2 weeks. He wrote two one liners. Any call or sincere message would have had a reponse. But there is silence. I am emotionally drained... without me reaching out the relationship is likely to die. Everything seems clearer now. I could write a letter, see if he sees himself in it. Maybe make him feel understood for once. But it could be brushed off like another problem that could evoke emotions. Does it sound familiar? I sincerly appreciate any thought that comes to mind. Thank you for taking time |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2018 21:26:03 GMT
what exactly are you wanting to know? are you trying to figure out his attachment style? do you know yours? if he wouldn't be offended or find it intrusive for you to be analyzing him this way, you could send him this link for an attachment style test. jebkinnison.com/bad-boyfriends-the-book/53-2/ |
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sally
New Member
Posts: 8
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Post by sally on Jul 6, 2018 22:12:23 GMT
Hi Juniper,thank you for your reply. I'm wondering if people can relate to that feeling of needing to wear a mask, even around close friends and family? I can tell it is hell for him. Not asking the burning questions about his grandfather might eventually lead to regret. I talked to his grandma and told him what I found out. I think it helped a little but he is frustrated by his limitations concerning communication ( that might evoke feelings) I could have written what I noticed over the years and it would be FA. The distance made me insecure and I pushed for answers, but not for long. I soon realized this wasn't going to help. I think he will be grateful to be able to put a name to it. For now he believes he is the only person that functions like this.Knowing this is not the case might be a good start. An article without any personal reference might not interest him and looked at as being dry. I have thought of writing a letter in which he feels understood. I haven't met this person 5 months ago. It has been 5 years.I saw the good, bad and the ugly.So did he. I will get Jeb's book |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2018 22:42:28 GMT
that link was for a test he could take, every question is a personal reference, lol.
did you look at it?
good luck!
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sally
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Post by sally on Jul 7, 2018 18:56:12 GMT
You got me there juniper and I apologize ^^ The reason I doubt a test will be the right way is that this person is not at all into psychology, tests and analysis. That's why I thought a letter would be more relatable.
But I'd like to know if others feel like they need to put on masks, even with people really close, in order to avoid conflict.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2018 19:11:29 GMT
You got me there juniper and I apologize ^^ The reason I doubt a test will be the right way is that this person is not at all into psychology, tests and analysis. That's why I thought a letter would be more relatable. But I'd like to know if others feel like they need to put on masks, even with people really close, in order to avoid conflict. i would be willing to bet every single insecurely attached person posting on this board or not posting on this board, has developed a defense mechanism of self preservation to conceal their real feelings in order to avoid conflict that causes pain and seems unresolvable. i would even be willing to bet that to some degree, every secure person , you included, no matter your attachment style, has engaged in some kind of concealment of their inner states to some degree, somewhere on the spectrum, at some or many points in their life, with some or many relationships. In fact, here is an example. Your partner is not so much into analysis and may not want to delve into his inner world quite the way you would. Instead of just coming right out and offending him or turning him off, (conflict) you are looking for ways to approach this and come up with a way to get the information to him without having a negative reaction. I doubt that you would walk straight up to him and say : "You know, i'm a fixer. and, i see something off about you. I believe you are Fearfully Avoidant, and i am sharing your story and my observations on the internet on a support forum for insecurely attached persons, trying to gain advice on how best to approach you with this information, in a way that you relate and will benefit from." You are engaging in some sort of manipulation and control yourself, or you would just put it out there and let it be what it will be. this is perhaps your blind spot, as you delve into the inner workings of his mind. Authenticity comes with dropping the mask, it happens in degrees on a spectrum for every individual on the planet. Whether you recognize it or not. He just was very honest about it. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2018 19:17:44 GMT
are you not telling him point blank about your psychoanalysis of him because you fear he will reject it, or you?
because that's what it looks like.
it seems you have yourself in some sort of fixer role where you understand him better than anyone else,
and even tho you suffer and think it's over sometimes, you are turning your focus to helping him see his problem.
i think you have a mask of sorts on, it just seems off to me.
and i am telling you point blank without a mask. 😄
this is good natured, hope you take it that way.
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Post by aislingt on Jul 7, 2018 20:41:51 GMT
Whenever I see a reply from Juniper, I cringe. This got a lot worse recently, with many people in very vulnerable situations posting here over the past few days/weeks. If I ever wanted to post here and to open myself to people who can read and comment, I'd think twice - at least - for this reason. Just my contribution. are you not telling him point blank about your psychoanalysis of him because you fear he will reject it, or you? because that's what it looks like. it seems you have yourself in some sort of fixer role where you understand him better than anyone else, and even tho you suffer and think it's over sometimes, you are turning your focus to helping him see his problem. i think you have a mask of sorts on, it just seems off to me. and i am telling you point blank without a mask. 😄 this is good natured, hope you take it that way. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2018 21:34:20 GMT
Whenever I see a reply from Juniper, I cringe. This got a lot worse recently, with many people in very vulnerable situations posting here over the past few days/weeks. If I ever wanted to post here and to open myself to people who can read and comment, I'd think twice - at least - for this reason. Just my contribution. are you not telling him point blank about your psychoanalysis of him because you fear he will reject it, or you? because that's what it looks like. it seems you have yourself in some sort of fixer role where you understand him better than anyone else, and even tho you suffer and think it's over sometimes, you are turning your focus to helping him see his problem. i think you have a mask of sorts on, it just seems off to me. and i am telling you point blank without a mask. 😄 this is good natured, hope you take it that way. that goes both ways for sure. it's an open forum with voluntary participation and the block function is very helpful to hide my posts. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2018 21:53:10 GMT
Whenever I see a reply from Juniper, I cringe. This got a lot worse recently, with many people in very vulnerable situations posting here over the past few days/weeks. If I ever wanted to post here and to open myself to people who can read and comment, I'd think twice - at least - for this reason. Just my contribution. are you not telling him point blank about your psychoanalysis of him because you fear he will reject it, or you? because that's what it looks like. it seems you have yourself in some sort of fixer role where you understand him better than anyone else, and even tho you suffer and think it's over sometimes, you are turning your focus to helping him see his problem. i think you have a mask of sorts on, it just seems off to me. and i am telling you point blank without a mask. 😄 this is good natured, hope you take it that way. it might be helpful to know also that those who wish to post in the support forum for their attachment type can mostly feel free to do so without opinions or interjections from other types. Otherwise, the forum is open to the opinions of all. Each person will respond to various postings differently, some will be triggered or offended; some would find the same information helpful. I can tell you that there are many postings here that are very cringeworthy to me, and i recognie the block function and also that not everyone will feel the same way about that post that i may. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Jul 8, 2018 0:27:54 GMT
HI Sally--
Regarding your questions...
I wouldn't say I felt I have a mask, but I also think it is common for people to not really be open with their family (especially parents) or to not ask for help. I've spent most of my life not being open and not asking for help-- until my 30s, it often didn't even occur to me that I could ask for help, that it was even a thing-- and now that I'm almost 40, I'm getting better at it, but it's a long slow process... And my parents are pretty decent, educated, thoughtful people-- no particular abuse or neglect-- though somehow over the years I've also learned they struggle when I am authentic. I'm thinking this may be quite common, but I don't know. I also see the way people receive help from their family and wonder if they asked for it or if it was just given.
Anyway, in terms of your relationship with your bf (ex?), I can't tell from your posts for sure, but it sounds like you may be pressuring him to share more of himself and be more emotionally intimate than he wants to be for reasons that MAY be more about you than about him. It may be that he also needs to feel that it is safe to be with you when his walls are up or he is just peeking over them, before he can continue to risk bringing more of them down. I'm just speculating here, but it's kind of the sense I got from your post.
Wishing you well!
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Post by mistakes on Jul 8, 2018 0:47:01 GMT
I got into the same trouble with the person that I care about too, it all started by the person saying he was lonely , not getting along with people, and trusting me... and then out of no where, it ended up with a distance or wall that comes out of nowhere... it took me a while to understand why people on this site says that I’m pursuing, controlling, while the intention was just trying to be a friend that help, help what the friend was frustrated about.
But since engulfed, controlling, etc, these terms discrib feelings that avoidants often has towards AP, I’m learning that maybe just a good listener is what the friend was looking for, rather than asking for practical advice... I’m thinking, since autonomy is another value that avoidants prices...
Hope this helps, but it seems that, it’s already too late for me to figure this out, since the friend already in a far distance...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2018 0:53:55 GMT
I got into the same trouble with the person that I care about too, it all started by the person saying he was lonely , not getting along with people, and trusting me... and then out of no where, it ended up with a distance or wall that comes out of nowhere... it took me a while to understand why people on this site says that I’m pursuing, controlling, while the intention was just trying to be a friend that help, help what the friend was frustrated about. But since engulfed, controlling, etc, these terms discrib feelings that avoidants often has towards AP, I’m learning that maybe just a good listener is what the friend was looking for, rather than asking for practical advice... I’m thinking, since autonomy is another value that avoidants prices... Hope this helps, but it seems that, it’s already too late for me to figure this out, since the friend already in a far distance... this is great insight. and for any attachment style- it is respectful to here what the person says are their boundaries even if you "think " you know better. if someone does not want to "go there" with you, it's not respectful of them and their process to think you know better and continue to try to force your "open up" agenda on them. the time spent in someone else's head is better spent on ones own internal process. codependency is a thing! a toxic thing! its one thing to broach a subject and leave it honestly at the person's feet with no hidden agenda. and respect the outcome and whatever choice they make about it. i don't see that happening in this post, as the OP's efforts to help or analyze the partner have already been rebuffed, and the partner made it clear that the overture wasn't welcome. and then some silence. speaks volumes. |
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Post by mrob on Jul 8, 2018 2:34:27 GMT
My ex and I were driving one day when I called my Mum for our almost weekly chat. To put this in perspective, I’ve probsbly had two private conversations with her in 10 years, the phone remains on the table on speaker. I never have any idea who is there. So, yes, guilty of doing the same thing in this instance.
After the call, my ex said something strange, that there was no warmth in the call. I hadn’t seen anything different about it. I would never tell my Mum what is actually going on. Partially judgement, but that it would be used as a tool to boost her ego. That makes her sound nasty, but in fact she’s just doing the best she can. That’s what love looks like for her. The feeling is there, but there’s an inability to properly connect. I know this because when there’s one finger pointing forward, there are generally three pointing back.
From my second wife I leaned a lot about compassion and what caring actually is. Practically as well as emotionally but I hit that same block my Mum has. For me, that looks like a deep desire for autonomy, but also a desire to love and be loved. They’re oil and water for most people. I’ve stood on the other side of the room with people crying, and felt anxiety and thought “What the hell do I do?” I’ve been judeged many times because when something emotional happens, I’m like the kangaroo in the headlights for half a second before I know what to do, while my ex wife would be in there being of useful, practical, warm help.
It takes guts to look at this stuff, and own it. I’m not as dry as I was. But the one thing that will trigger me is perceived manipulation. Every time. That can look like love for most people,and be well intentioned, but that’s when I get engulfed and can’t cope, so I distance. Then this unhealthy dance starts.
I hope this helps.
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Post by serene13 on Jul 8, 2018 2:50:04 GMT
Whenever I see a reply from Juniper, I cringe. This got a lot worse recently, with many people in very vulnerable situations posting here over the past few days/weeks. If I ever wanted to post here and to open myself to people who can read and comment, I'd think twice - at least - for this reason. Just my contribution. are you not telling him point blank about your psychoanalysis of him because you fear he will reject it, or you? because that's what it looks like. it seems you have yourself in some sort of fixer role where you understand him better than anyone else, and even tho you suffer and think it's over sometimes, you are turning your focus to helping him see his problem. i think you have a mask of sorts on, it just seems off to me. and i am telling you point blank without a mask. 😄 this is good natured, hope you take it that way. Juniper - I look at your responses differently. Your thoughts are very similar to what I expect my now distant avoidant friend's thoughts would be - so I appreciate each and every one. We all wish to understand and also be able to bridge the gaps so that we could communicate with the others we care about in ways that are understood - your views are valuable here. |
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, I am a newbie and grateful to have stumbled over this forum.
