The desire to be important

I think this is really good news - it's really easy whilst wanting the best for someone and truly believing in unconditional love, to miss noticing that self esteem relies on a certain outcome, on being the one who made the difference. This is not allowing the other person to be truly autonomous and even within a relationship it's not a helpful state of mind - since helping becomes focused on a result rather than freely given.

In your situation I think it must be nigh on impossible not to feel like this - and I suppose I see this as one of the barriers to friendship when one party is emotionally invested and as such it's only natural to feel these feelings - none the less it's important to have noticed this.

So how to address? I guess in my modus operandi the first would be to recognise, the second to fully allow and experience in the body without analysing the whys and how to get away from the problem. Once you've been there and become compassionately settled without judgement, you will be in a much better place to acutally know the healthy reaction - to catch the thoughts and to perhaps catch yourself when the caped crusader makes and appearance.

It was you who suggested to another poster that what appears missing in their relationship is what they most need to give themself and I think this advice could work beautifully here - whenever you seek to help, to feel important, perhaps notice that your own sense of importance is missing and give to yourself freely rather than lavishing your attention on someone else.

I have began to notice that when I feel that I know better than someone else, that's the time to wind my neck in - yes perhaps I do know better but unless the other asks for my help or is a small child, I don't need to fix/ advise/ help/ feel otherwise superior etc - if I do any of these things it tends to be for my own good rather than that of the other person which is not a healthy thing.

My lovely wise Buddhist monk friends are not allowed to give advice, share there religion etc without first having been asked.

The person you're judging is not the you - it's a reflection and amalgamation of the millions of experiences you've had and ways you've learned to cope and thus you're right, the helper you've become is nothing to do with you - just a series of ingrained patterns and behaviours - it feels very real, like a film in which you are totally engrossed, but it's an illusion. This give you the power to do something about it - and to choose how. When stressed it's the default to regress to the neural pathways that are most ingrained. This is not a you who needs judging, it's a series of learnt experiences which you now label as you - maybe looking at it like that, from some kind of distance, as a friendly outsider, might help. Enjoy your trip and I hope you can observe the familiar dynamics without getting caught up and instead savour the now.

It was a mixed day today.....and I own that I posted a check in on FB hoping that B would see and like it....when he didn't....I started down old and well travelled roads of negative and possessive thinking. I an grateful that I recognized it for what it was and just sat with it...it truly felt unbearable to feel disconnected from B...but i am on the other side and feel a huge wave of relief. As I write this..I do not feel the urge to check FB at all and I am ok with B not liking my post because a like doesn't impact our friendship. It is a very freeing moment to feel this way. 🙂

Thanks Ocarina....this morning it was amazing....B had sent a very general email in response to one I had sent....and for some reason...that was enough to give me "freedom" for part of today...and as I experienced that freedom...I realized that true love is freeing....it allows me to love someone by choosing to love him/her..equally it allows me to release them in love if things are not working out. It was absolutely awesome to have that "moment". This afternoon was a bit of a different matter entirely...I was angry at B...I wanted to tell him off....not for anything he did but because I interpreted "again" silence to equal ignoring (and I thought that his email was very casual/stand offish). Thankfully that feeling did not last long as I recalled how he asked if I was having a nice time with my family..so the anger has melted away. Trying to use these moments to just observe.😀

Hi Boomerang and Tnr6

I can see in both your posts that your ex partners behaviours are being given meanings that then trigger you to feel somehow negative or positive depending on your own interpretation.

Would it be possible to let go of all this meaning? As soon as someone elses behaviour has the power to make you feel worse OR better according to your own interpretation, in all honesty you're giving away your own power and laying yourself out as a victim to their whims and behaviours. Just simply noticing your reaction and letting it pass without analysing, wondering re the meaning, whether he cares etc is the only way to actually let go. Analysing holds the pattern in place even if it makes you feel better by using a positive slant to interpret.

Not sure if that makes sense and apologies if it sounds harsh - it's fine to feel a certain emotion but taking the head talk further than simply this experience is, IMHO cementing the pattern of overthinking even further - even if it's to make you feel better by putting a positive slant on the meaning.

Firstly tnr I am really sorry if what I posted was hurtful and even more so if it made you cry - it wasn't meant to be judgemental in any way and I really accept we have our own processes. I suppose that as an outsider it really saddens me that someone as kind, compassionate and good hearted as you so obviously are, can remain wedged in this cycle of pain.

I think as an avoidant it's really difficult to understand - in your situation I would simply not engage with him on social media because it was triggering me and causing suffering = this is particularly so since I have begun to work on valuing myself. Please forgive me for being so blunt - it was meant with the best intentions, but I am well aware that we all have our own journeys and of course, wish you the very best with yours.

it really looks like a double standard where it's ok to call out avoidants for triggering you. the general AP mindset has avoidants in the bad guy role and that's well known.
tnr9, my AP mother spent her life calling me out and thinking of her feelings instead of mine.
i'm calling it out this time, i'm triggered. i'm angry.
maybe someone needs to apologize to me.