Post by tnr9 on Jul 14, 2018 12:23:15 GMT
My mom made a comment to me that this is the third year that B has negatively impacted me during our family vacation. From her stoic, move forward and get on with life perspective...the sadness/crying/missing B makes absolutely no sense after this amount of time and as such, she is full of suggestions and advice for me to move on. However, for me, all those suggestions and advice get interpreted as impatience with me (I am taking far too long to get over him) and that I am still not good enough....and when I get in that state...then I miss B more, reach out more, get more emotional. Honestly, this vacation has amplified everything into a week's petridish. The whole "get on with it"is understandable..but does not work with me...so I am going to talk about this with my mom....I need to 1. Stand up for myself (because I typically just say ok to everything she suggest or apologize that I have again been unable to become the daughter she had so hoped I would be while internally getting annoyed and procrastinating) 2. I need to hash it out...I need to take on the anger under my mom's perceived niceties. I don't handle conflict well....but I think I need to share what is going on with my healing...even if that seems so incredibly selfish. Because I know myself well enough to know that I will push back on all her suggestions because that is how I have learned to create boundaries...it is a reaction against her, not a boundary that I established on my own. I am tired of being the "black sheep", the "problem child" the one who cannot seem to pull her life together...I am super tired of trying to live up to standards I did not create and then feeling like a failure every time I fail to achieve one....plus, it never seems to end...there is another standard and another suggestion.
One be of my absolute favorite aspects about B was his perceived very chill and caring nature. He did not bring up how messy my place was or how my hair would look better a certain way or how I needed to pull in my stomach while wearing swimsuit or how if I did this exercise or took this class it would benefit me....he let me define myself...I felt a level of acceptance of my quirks that I never did with my mom. I never felt he wanted to fix me or change me to be more acceptable. So I miss that about him...I really do....but I am trying to give that to myself.
One be of my absolute favorite aspects about B was his perceived very chill and caring nature. He did not bring up how messy my place was or how my hair would look better a certain way or how I needed to pull in my stomach while wearing swimsuit or how if I did this exercise or took this class it would benefit me....he let me define myself...I felt a level of acceptance of my quirks that I never did with my mom. I never felt he wanted to fix me or change me to be more acceptable. So I miss that about him...I really do....but I am trying to give that to myself.
