Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2018 9:23:13 GMT
Validation: a cunning, baffling and powerful addiction
One of the factors that became evident through his assessment is that he is on constant guard as to where he falls on the “coolness scale” with all those around him. He has an obsessive preoccupation with how others perceive him. He picks his sexual partners, friends, even acquaintances through a rating scale based on power and dominance. The image he projects to the world is this carefully crafted God among men. “I want to be the guy that guys want to be and girls want to be with, that everyone looks at and knows I have it going on,” he remarked one day.
I looked at him and said, “That certainly seems like a lot of work; I think it is sad.” He looked at me dazed and confused and asked, “What do you mean?” I simply said, “It makes me sad that you don’t have relationships—you have hostages.”
I explained it using addiction-related terms with which he was familiar. Validation is the drug and our hostages are our dealers. We seek out the sick and suffering in order to consummate a parasitic relationship. Sometimes it is sexual in nature; however, it is not about the sex. It is about the tortuous need for validation—soothing the unquenchable thirst reflected in the question, “Am I OK?”
I looked at him and said, “That certainly seems like a lot of work; I think it is sad.” He looked at me dazed and confused and asked, “What do you mean?” I simply said, “It makes me sad that you don’t have relationships—you have hostages.”
I explained it using addiction-related terms with which he was familiar. Validation is the drug and our hostages are our dealers. We seek out the sick and suffering in order to consummate a parasitic relationship. Sometimes it is sexual in nature; however, it is not about the sex. It is about the tortuous need for validation—soothing the unquenchable thirst reflected in the question, “Am I OK?”
....Searching, yearning, seeking, running, reaching, craving: These are all tools the ego utilizes to act out our unworthiness. In a culture of unworthiness we are inundated with messages such as “You complete me” and “Average is the enemy.” When we think of ego in Western culture we think of our good friend arrogance. In Eastern culture we are taught that ego is a two-sided coin. On one side we have arrogance and on the other side we have unworthiness. Both are equal manifestations of an inauthentic self.
It is not uncommon to hear this played out in the rooms of 12-Step meetings: “I am an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.”
It is not uncommon to hear this played out in the rooms of 12-Step meetings: “I am an egomaniac with an inferiority complex.”
...The fact is that neither is true. We are not our arrogance, nor are we our unworthiness. Both are masks we have created in order to fill a need or void. We use arrogance as a coping strategy to deal with the pathology of unworthiness. “If I cover up what I mistakenly believe about myself, maybe they will never know; maybe I won’t be found out.” As with most things, unworthiness is most dangerous when it is unconscious. The more arrogant a person is, the greater the unworthiness—one simply does not exist without the other.
...The underbelly of the hunger screams out, “Tell me I am OK.” Validation is the balm that soothes the wound left behind from the injury of shame. At some point we received a message that we are not OK. The message was internalized, as it usually originates from a powerful external source. This source can be our parents or other primary childhood care providers. It can be religious leaders, coaches, teachers, or our peer group. But at some point in our childhood development we internalized the perception that “who I am is not acceptable or pleasing.” The result of this mistaken belief is a natural creation of a false self.
This false self is a mask to hide the undesirable self. The client believes that this undesirable self is who he truly is. Validation helps to reinforce that the false self is working as well as the undesirable self does not work.
I offered a mantra for my client to begin working with: “No better, no worse.” When I explained that the mantra was a simple reminder that “I am no better and no worse than any other human being that has ever walked or will ever walk this planet; and that no human being that has ever walked this planet or will walk this planet is any better or worse than me,” my client's face instantly turned red. I asked what he was feeling and he said, “But that goes against everything I have ever believed.” I simply smiled and encouraged him to try it out.
Connecting with authentic self
Naming the above-referenced egomaniac with an inferiority complex is not enough. We must be equipped to address the situation as well. Vulnerability is both the enemy and the answer. The risk of having the undesirable self revealed is the payment for entry into a life of freedom and authentic acceptance. For only when we are willing to take down a brick from the wall of our defenses can we hope to connect with our authentic self. Clients seem to have trouble accepting the idea that they are not their unworthiness or their arrogance.
One of the definitions of encouragement is “to build courage.” That is exactly what helps give the client enough strength to be willing to take an honest look at him/herself. Being able to hold a vision of the client in a way that speaks to the authentic self actually helps to bring it out more. It requires us as counselors to be in tune with our clients in order to decipher the difference between their authentic self and their arrogance or unworthiness.
Encouraging authenticity actually becomes a balm that soothes the wounded heart. Validating the authentic self is critical, and creates a space where the client can begin to trust the process of authenticity. This sounds contra-indicated but indeed it is not. When we validate the authentic self, we are actually giving clients permission to be themselves, rather than reinforcing the need to hide the truth of who they are.
This false self is a mask to hide the undesirable self. The client believes that this undesirable self is who he truly is. Validation helps to reinforce that the false self is working as well as the undesirable self does not work.
I offered a mantra for my client to begin working with: “No better, no worse.” When I explained that the mantra was a simple reminder that “I am no better and no worse than any other human being that has ever walked or will ever walk this planet; and that no human being that has ever walked this planet or will walk this planet is any better or worse than me,” my client's face instantly turned red. I asked what he was feeling and he said, “But that goes against everything I have ever believed.” I simply smiled and encouraged him to try it out.
Connecting with authentic self
Naming the above-referenced egomaniac with an inferiority complex is not enough. We must be equipped to address the situation as well. Vulnerability is both the enemy and the answer. The risk of having the undesirable self revealed is the payment for entry into a life of freedom and authentic acceptance. For only when we are willing to take down a brick from the wall of our defenses can we hope to connect with our authentic self. Clients seem to have trouble accepting the idea that they are not their unworthiness or their arrogance.
One of the definitions of encouragement is “to build courage.” That is exactly what helps give the client enough strength to be willing to take an honest look at him/herself. Being able to hold a vision of the client in a way that speaks to the authentic self actually helps to bring it out more. It requires us as counselors to be in tune with our clients in order to decipher the difference between their authentic self and their arrogance or unworthiness.
Encouraging authenticity actually becomes a balm that soothes the wounded heart. Validating the authentic self is critical, and creates a space where the client can begin to trust the process of authenticity. This sounds contra-indicated but indeed it is not. When we validate the authentic self, we are actually giving clients permission to be themselves, rather than reinforcing the need to hide the truth of who they are.
