The second inner child
jebkinnisonforum.com/post/40389/The second inner child
The inner child we are going to take a closer look at is a sensitive inner child. It is a child in you who has a feeling of being abandoned. There can be a lot of emotions lying here and the emotions can be hard to accommodate.
Emotional storm causes confusion. Situations and relationships often become difficult to navigate and difficult to accommodate. Therefore, when this inner child sets the agenda and controls our lives, we experience precisely that confusion and the search for something we cannot fully define. We may have a hard time keeping focus and completing the things we have set ourselves. It is the sensation of a small child who misses and longs for the close connection it had with its mother. The inner child spends a lot of energy following his longing and often ignores his own needs to make sure it is not abandoned. As an adult, you will often become dependent on the relationships you are in. For many, there will be a deep longing to be independent and self-sufficient.
If you had to do 3 good things for yourself over the next week then what would you do? You can now decide to bring it to life .. What do you need to make it a reality? If you were to think along the way, I can not do this, I can not, or it is not that important, there are other things that are more important right now. Then try to contact your Inner Child and repeat the affirmation.
The child's detachment with the mother. And the first grief.
Grief - how it is expressed, how the therapist relates to the grief and its relation to ‘The Dragon’ and ‘The Whale’s Stomach’ in the heroes journey.
How the preconditions for grief can be managed so that it can be lived through.
The baby experience, that I'm not my mother and my mother is not me
The child is in symbiotic relationship with its mother
It is a grief to find out for the child and it creates a longing
Betrayal:
- to lose
- to lose ourselves and lose ourselves
- we can choose some paths in life where we leave ourselves and where we are getting further and further away from ourselves
- we compromise and go with others instead of standing by ourselves
The doctrine:
- to lose
- to deal with grief
Exambles:
The colic child - the parents can distance themselves from the child because they are exhausted
The parents put the child into its own room and leave it by itself
The parents let the baby lie down and scream itself to sleep
To save their relationship, the parents can put the child into its own room
The parents think the above works, because the baby stops crying, but that's because the baby have given up
When we losoe, we can be extra thin-skinned and then we need extra care from other people
We get in contact with how we lost our mother, when we experience new losses in life
Bodyposture:
We loose the force in our arms when we reach out, and we are getting rejected
We loose some muscles in our neck
We collaps in our mid chect area
Our shoulders moves forward
The diagphram can be damaged/contracted and it can be difficult to breath
We feel pain in our chest, when we loose people
We can not fix grief, we have to sit and wait and sit with the pain and the grief. Like Jonah in the belly of the whale. The only the thing he knows is, that he has to sit and wait until the whale will spit him out.
We have to surrender to the grief.
You can not set an out.
Even if your sourroundings whants you to set an out.
In Harry Potter and the plants - the more you relax, the easier it is for the plant to let go
youtu.be/x99RIkwttTE
We can not reach out ourselves, when we are grieving. We need other people to meet us and to support us in our grief.
We can get a feeling that we are wrong, when we are grieving.
The best thing we can do when people are grieving, is to help with practical tings when people are grieving. A child at this stage do not have a language. Therefore we just have to try to be precent with the person. As a friend you just have follow the person who is grieving.
Theres 5 stages in grief.
When we look into a persons eyes when they are dying, their eyes can get very clear. Its the soul shining through. It is as it is.
When we feel grief there is a contraction in the body..all our feelings helps us ..... laughter and grief are closely related.
If we go into the grief, and we try to cry as if we are grieving and laughing at the same time.
You can try to do the posture yourself to get into a grieving position.
Grief sits in the lungs and in the colon.
Betrayal:
- to lose
- to lose ourselves and to loose ourselves in others
- we can choose some paths in life, where we leave ourselves and where we are getting further and further away from ourselves
- we compromise and go with others instead of standing by ourselves
The doctrine:
- to lose
- to deal with grief
When we lose, we can be extra thin-skinned and then we need extra care from other people
We get in contact how we lost our mother, when we experience new losses in life
Enagram type 2
To feel a need and to ask for it, will make us feel our fear of abandoment.
Physical movement:
If we are pressured enough, our body will show where we have been most pressured/stressed as a child.
To follow your bliss can be difficult - you can see that other people can follow their bliss, but you cant feel it yourself
Enagram 2 or 7
Wounded children can make narratives
- sit on a chair. Feel the chair supporting you.
- notise where in your body you feel lack of support - where is difficult for you to hold your own body ?
- meet and greet your inner child
- look into the childs eyes, what is the childs eyecolor, what does the child wear ?
- co create a loving connection to the child that was abandened
- like picking the child up and comfort the child and give the child a hug
- imagine the child around 1 years old. Not able to walk in a Secure Way yet but it can crawl.
- look into the child’s eyes - what color are they ?
- say to the child “oh there you are. I have been waiting for you and I am so happy to see you”
- then Pick the child up, comfort the child, and give the child a hug
- nurturing yourself, making yourself feel comftable is important. You cant nurture yourself enough at this age, so be generous
. what are my needs today
- what are my values
- how do i meet myself in order not to be abanded
- what are my needs
- what do i notise, what do i sence, what do i feel
- what do i have to give up to be loved
- i am allowed to have needs- i am loved with all my needs
- i am able to meet my own needs
Developmental stages take place in waves.
Up to 2 years we learn to be attached to another human being. Primarily our mother.
We can get to know our sirens where we are trying to soothe our needs.
We learn to be in symbiosis with our mother and to be separated from our mother.
We learn how to feel if we are hungry ect.
Grief is a theme at this stage of our development.
Once we have been in symbiosis with our mother, being divorced or fragmented from ourselves can feel uncomfortable.
The healthy child is mirrored in its need. That the mother mirrors us. Our mother "chats" with us ect.
We experience that when we cry in different ways we get different needs met.
If we are not met in our needs, we disappear into ourselves.
We may find it difficult to set boundaries as our sensory system is fluid.
Others may do very cross-border things towards us, but we do not register this.
The inner feeling may also be that we have set a limit, perhaps with a glance, but others do not register this.
We do terrible things to soothe our needs where we can not take responsibility for our needs
The signs when setting boundaries can be very subtle.
When you are pressured on your own needs, you blend with others.
My existence is conditioned by how others feel (family, work, friends, partner)
I meet the needs of others at the expense of my own needs.
Love will be conditional.
You want to give, and give, and give without the feeling that you get something back.
When this condition was created in the nervous system of being injured and not being mirrored.
This sensation can be so intense that you cannot accommodate it in your nervous system.
One begins to soothe. one self
One start to become addicted to work, drugs, alcohol, use sex, eat sugar ect.
There is an intensity over this. Everything else is ignored. You forget yourself. The body must discharge and must be confirmed externally.
When the need is met, you come back again for more.
The chance of being rejected is recognizable. And can be what feels safe. Therefore, one can get caught in a spiral
That one does not have the strength to reach out can be connected to the feminine.
Sirens:
To accept the feminine and to accept mother.
The women sang so beautifully that the fishermen sailed into the fog
When we want to move and create something new, the sirens can hold us back.
- Wine, chocolate, yoga, meditation can become a to do duty.
We can inflict guilt and shame on ourselves.
We tell ourselves that we are lazy, that we got no reaction, are paralyzed, our inner judge/our inner critic emerges
Even if you already have a good relationship, you may have a need to be filled up from the outside.
When we are stomping and we stand still and feel that we cannot bear it, it is a connection to the feminine.
Questions you can ask
Can I feel my own needs? Do I have the right to have my own needs?
Where do I leave myself when I do not want to be left by others?
What do I sacrifice to be allowed to express my needs?
Do I look away when it gets sad?
Exercise to heal the second Inner Child
If you are carrying an injured or traumatized second Inner Child, it may give rise to a perception that you do not have the right to feel the need.
Your Own needs do not exist because they are not justified.
A good place to start is therefore to start looking at your own needs.
It can start with the very small choices you make through a day.
Ask the question: is this something I do because it is my need or because it covers the needs of others?
