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Post by leavethelighton on Jul 22, 2018 0:17:10 GMT
Helsbells Thank-you for sharing, my heart goes out to you as well. I can relate to everything you said and there's comfort in knowing I'm not alone in this. I've been in the hospital twice for anxiety and depression because of how messed up I get. When I try to detach, my thoughts feel like obsessive compulsive torture. 3 years ago I started to change my patterns. Now I recognize and physically leave unhealthy relationships much more quickly, but my thoughts and emotions stay hooked on a guy until I meet someone new, and I'm still so drawn to avoidant, abusive men. There's this f*ing battle in my mind between the thoughts "this situation bad for you, move on", "I just want to be with him", "what if...", and "I'll always be alone". It feels like being haunted by a lying ghost that won't leave me alone. I notice and try to redirect my mind but in seconds I'm back in the looping thoughts of hell. Exhausting doesn't even begin to describe it. Yes my lovely, looping thoughts that haunt us is the way I feel it too. Ok, we need all this torment to stop right. Are thoughts are so off key yes. So what are we going to do to make it stop. I want the miracle pill so I don't have to do the leg work. That ain't going to happen. I can miss use alcohol but That is so temporary . What's it going to take for me to have some f...ing value in myself and get a grip of my life... Ok here's my solution, keep it real, keep reading everything possible On the clashes of our particular attachments together as a couple and unless both parties are in the same space where they want to work it out together then get the hell out of there. I know I'm not the one idolized enough by my ex to put in the work . It was his ex that tore his heart out that i can't compete with so what am I doing even thinking I ment anything to him. That bloody hurts saying that, but as much as he professed his love for me his actions i.e. replacing me within 7 weeks speak louder than words. So what now? PLEASE SOMEBODY WHO HAS TRODDEN THIS HORRENDOUS PATH BEFORE US HELP USVOUT.
I think sometimes people want the whole journey of this (looping thoughts, futile hope, feeling haunted, etc.) to be completed in an unrealistic length of time. It can take more than 7 weeks or 7 months, even sometimes more than 7 years. And I think it's also not a linear process but more like one that zig-zags up and down but the overall trajectory is upward. In other words, you have to have some faith in the process and be okay with it being longer than one may want it to be. Someday you will have a deeper peace. The only way that out is through. It's like that country song, "If you're going through hell, just keep going."
Some friends of mine like to keep reminding themselves (and each other) that anxiety and depression are liars. When your brain is saying certain negative things, keep reminding yourself it is the anxiety/depression that is lying-- those things aren't actually true.
Also, it helps if you can get to a place where you can compartmentalize-- for example, try not to think about it at work. Ruminate in bed at night if you have to, but try to give yourself some time off. I know, easier said than done.
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Post by mrob on Jul 22, 2018 6:19:59 GMT
You could write him a letter, read it and burn it. Less is more. Nothing you say will change his mind and magically bring him back, so best keep some dignity, even if you’re going crazy inside.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 22, 2018 9:59:55 GMT
Thank you for your reply, it is good advice. I have an urge to tell my ex I'm hurting at the fact he has moved on so quickly. Would I better just saying nothing. I couldn't even imagine wanting to replace him, my heart hurts so much. Do you think being avoidant has made him want to find a replacement so quickly. A week before he met this other person he told me he loved me. I have never expressed how much he's hurt me the way he left me and blocked me, as i just don't think it would make any difference. Would it be best to delete him say nothing and move forward. I think closure for you is important.....but it is key also to remember that he is not dating you anymore and he is allowed to move on, as unacceptable as that may feel to you. So I agree with mrob about writing but not sending a letter...but I would not burn it....I would hold onto it for a bit and look back on it whenever you are tempted to reach out or should he contact you...that letter will help you to remember the anger that is also as true as the longing. I think his form of love has been a very childish/immature form...but if that is where he is at....then that is what he was capable of providing you. And now you know that that type of love is not what you need and you can move forward to finding a more adult/secure type of love. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 22, 2018 12:00:12 GMT
I think closure for you is important.....but it is key also to remember that he is not dating you anymore and he is allowed to move on, as unacceptable as that may feel to you. So I agree with mrob about writing but not sending a letter...but I would not burn it....I would hold onto it for a bit and look back on it whenever you are tempted to reach out or should he contact you...that letter will help you to remember the anger that is also as true as the longing. I think his form of love has been a very childish/immature form...but if that is where he is at....then that is what he was capable of providing you. And now you know that that type of love is not what you need and you can move forward to finding a more adult/secure type of love. Tnr9 what you say is so true, he always said he has never grown up and never will. It's all so messy, I don't enough have words to describe the aftermath of the lasts 6mths. And the scariest thing is I would of kept putting up with it. I put up with my deceased husband's alcoholism for over 20 years for fear of being abandoned. My ex has really done me a favour one off us had to end the relationship and I'm glad he had the strength to stick to it. It was different this time as I didn't do what I did the previous times and talk him into coming back to me, so I guess I also new it was not healthy to stay in it too. And my daughter was very upset by seeing how much I changed in 6mths she threatened for her own mental health to go no contact with me if it carried on as it was breaking her heart to see me in another unhealthy relationship. Gosh it will take time to heal from all my past, it is very ingrained in me, fear of being aline and being abandoned consumes me. But I have you guys on this site and I am so grateful for that, I have my family, friend's and I'm in Therapy so things could be worse. And your right about the letter I won't burn it as he might try to contact me in the future. Thank you for listening to me. I don't hate him at all, I am saddened and angry as I did love him, he is not a bad person and has a lovely side to him but he really doesn't see he has a problem or he can't be in enough pain yet to want to change. Such a shame. Also what I don't understand is he is one of 4 boys and the other brothers are married and settled with kids. He did tell me he was bullied at infant school and an ex gf really broke his heart and he had a breakdown that's how he got into gaming and started to misuse alcohol. I use to talk with him about those hurts and asked him to not allow the past to define him. I guess like him we didn't know what we were up against. It's sad as I saw such a vunerable broken person who I would have done anything for xx I think one of the growing opportunities for APs is to own only our side of the fence...our side of the relationship. The desire to rescue/fix/overly support/overly understand the other person because we see "potential" is what can and does get us in trouble. What I think we end up doing is thinking "If I just love him enough, understand him enough, support him enough....then he won't ever want to leave and thus I will never have to feel scared or abandoned or disconnected again". It creates the codependency dynamic that is such a slippery slope. And if you consider the men who would be appealing (and be attracted) to that type of dynamic....they are not "secure". A secure man does not require rescuing...an insecure man with a history of addiction and broken relationships would. So I think the key is not just to recognize that this dynamic is appealing...but to recognize that it is, in essense, a relationship of bartering....if I do this for you..you will do this for me...and if either person does not then hold up his or her end of that bargain (even if it is just perceived and not actual) then that is where resentment, anger, hurt and pain form. The way out as I am learning is to give to yourself what you want from the other person...give yourself the security you did not feel growing up...give yourself the love...the kindness and the respect you seek from someone else. Then you will be able to attract someone who will want to be in a relationship of equals...who will give love out of the overflow and not out of the lack. 🙂 |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 22, 2018 13:23:41 GMT
Gosh you right so well, and everything you say makes so much sense. Why does our brain allow us to forget the stuff that was so wrong and latch on to all the lovely stuff in a rose tinted glasses way. I actually feel worse with every passing day possibly because I'm still consumed by him and looking thru those bloody rose tinted glasses. I wasn't happy when I was with him, I felt alone even when he was in the same house, even in the same room alot of the time. It was like he was never present. When he wasn't on his game he was on YouTube. Escaping all the time probably because he moved in me straightaway this was his way of distancing himself to make it possible to stay with me. I think he did love me just in his own way. Hope your having a good day. I am going to try and get some control over my thoughts, I need to.I can't eat or sleep it's not good . Yet I've told him I'm happy and fine which in turn made him so happy. I just felt I couldn't be honest or he wouldn't speak to me. It doesn't matter now anyway as I've deleted him. Xx The lovely stuff is pleasurable and we seek pleasure...I think there is also a bit of familiarity in the dance.....we received inconsistency and as such, we adjusted to it...but somewhere deep inside we have always known that it is not enough and that is why we seek to change it...even if our methods don't serve us anymore...at one point they did. Have compassion on the part of you that wants to change through old patterns of behavior....it has never meant to harm you, it just was formed at a very different age and only had a limited tool box. Being honest is important because it honors your truth. By saying..I am not ok and this is why...you are taking care of you while allowing the other person a chance to understand why you feel that way. It is also empowering because in order to speak your truth, you have to know your truth...you have to know what is bugging you and speak to it with compassion for you and the other person. I am getting a ton of practice with the guy I dated. He has been very honest with me and sometimes what he says is not what I want to hear...but it is his truth and I honor that....that means then that I alsio need to be truthful with him and thus honoring myself in the process. In a sense, this transition has been very healing..but it is not easy. Try not to judge yourself during this moarning period....it is easier said then done, but judgement against yourself goes in the opposite direction from freedom. |
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