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Post by notalone on Jul 19, 2018 19:20:33 GMT
There’s a voice in my head that says I’ll always be alone and/or in an unhealthy relationship. I want to be OK with being alone but I find it so hard to believe it's possible. I try to focus on myself, my work, other things, and this fear seems to lurk below all the time causing this tension, anxiety and depression. My therapist tells me to ask myself where I feel this in my body and breath in to it, and I do that often, but I’m so anxious that this feeling will never go away. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have suggestions for how to heal this?
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Post by notalone on Jul 19, 2018 20:11:24 GMT
There’s a voice in my head that says I’ll always be alone and/or in an unhealthy relationship. I think I need to learn to be OK with being alone but I find it so hard to even fathom. I try to focus on myself, my work, other things, and this fear seems to lurk below all the time causing this tension, anxiety and depression. My therapist tells me to ask myself where I feel this in my body and breath in to it, and I do that often, but I’m so anxious that this feeling will never go away. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have suggestions for how to heal this? Not alone, read the post I have just written in the DA post. My head is ragging right now. I cannot cope anymore with the constant AP shit that clusters every waking hours of My thoughts. Ok what changed. He ended the DANCE, how dare he, he always comes back when I plead hard enough. Not this time, I have already been replaced in 7 weeks. My work pals say find some anger stop crying you have been treated like s..t. And my head is screaming back at them shut up I don't care I just want him back. Wtf is this all about. I had a meltdown last week and apparently I was screaming to be sectioned and given a large needle full off enough s..t to knock out an elephant that is Where my own head can take me. My heart is breaking for you so much as i know your pain and how chronic it feels. Keep sharing and getting this stuff out of your head. Lotsies Helen x |
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Post by notalone on Jul 19, 2018 20:13:40 GMT
Helsbells Thank-you for sharing, my heart goes out to you as well. I can relate to everything you said and there's comfort in knowing I'm not alone in this. I've been in the hospital twice for anxiety and depression because of how messed up I get. When I try to detach, my thoughts feel like obsessive compulsive torture. 3 years ago I started to change my patterns. Now I recognize and physically leave unhealthy relationships much more quickly, but my thoughts and emotions stay hooked on a guy until I meet someone new, and I'm still so drawn to avoidant, abusive men. There's this f*ing battle in my mind between the thoughts "this situation bad for you, move on", "I just want to be with him", "what if...", and "I'll always be alone". It feels like being haunted by a cruel, psychotic ghost that won't leave me alone. I notice and try to redirect my mind but in seconds I'm back in the looping thoughts of hell. Exhausting doesn't even begin to describe it.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 20, 2018 1:41:07 GMT
There’s a voice in my head that says I’ll always be alone and/or in an unhealthy relationship. I want to be OK with being alone but I find it so hard to believe it's possible. I try to focus on myself, my work, other things, and this fear seems to lurk below all the time causing this tension, anxiety and depression. My therapist tells me to ask myself where I feel this in my body and breath in to it, and I do that often, but I’m so anxious that this feeling will never go away. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have suggestions for how to heal this? Hey notalone...it is ok to not want to be alone...I think if most people were honest, being alone is pretty intolerable....that is why a lot of people will use distractions to keep them from feeling lonely or isolated. I tend to swirl on feeling "disconnected" and will try to artificially connect via FB or IM..but those are temporary. Do you have any friends that you can share this fear with who could acknowledge that they too have that fear? |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2018 2:09:11 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Jul 20, 2018 7:31:53 GMT
There’s a voice in my head that says I’ll always be alone and/or in an unhealthy relationship. I want to be OK with being alone but I find it so hard to believe it's possible. I try to focus on myself, my work, other things, and this fear seems to lurk below all the time causing this tension, anxiety and depression. My therapist tells me to ask myself where I feel this in my body and breath in to it, and I do that often, but I’m so anxious that this feeling will never go away. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have suggestions for how to heal this? I do not know what kind of exercises your therapist uses. But if there is so much tension, anxiety and obsession in your nerveussystem, then check out the watertank exercise. Do this exercise every day. It helps you not to be so flooded and overwhelmed and to stay precent. It´s developed by leading attatchment/trauma/body therapists in the world. And it also works if you are stressed, gets a chock or you just want to stay more calm and collected throw the day, if you get nerveus at a meeting, if you get affected by other peoples unbalanced nerveussystem, or if you can not sleep ect. As we all are energy, our nerveussystem affects other people on a daily basis. When you are calm, then other people in your precent becomes more calm. When you know it well, you can use it anywhere - the short version. (Seat knots, legs and feet grounding and wickle your toes). (Its energy work and not meditation) jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1072/healing-ambivalent-attatchment-tips-tricksjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-exercises |
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Post by notalone on Jul 20, 2018 14:04:55 GMT
There’s a voice in my head that says I’ll always be alone and/or in an unhealthy relationship. I want to be OK with being alone but I find it so hard to believe it's possible. I try to focus on myself, my work, other things, and this fear seems to lurk below all the time causing this tension, anxiety and depression. My therapist tells me to ask myself where I feel this in my body and breath in to it, and I do that often, but I’m so anxious that this feeling will never go away. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have suggestions for how to heal this? Hey notalone...it is ok to not want to be alone...I think if most people were honest, being alone is pretty intolerable....that is why a lot of people will use distractions to keep them from feeling lonely or isolated. I tend to swirl on feeling "disconnected" and will try to artificially connect via FB or IM..but those are temporary. Do you have any friends that you can share this fear with who could acknowledge that they too have that fear?
Thanks for your reply. I realize it's ok to not "want" to be alone (I think that's avoidance actually). Maybe I have a block here, because if I'm fully honest, I struggle with feeling jealous of avoidants. It seems like they're fine being alone, and I want that so much. Deep down I know that #1. comparing myself to others isn't helpful or healthy and #2. avoidance isn't a happy, healthy, or secure attachment style. But part of me feels so confused, like if they don't need anyone and they can be OK alone, that must be a happy place to be. I feel like I should (I know it's dangerous to "should") be OK on my own. Instead, I really struggle with is the intensity of my anxiety, fear and preoccupation associated with being alone. Especially the preoccupation. I've read that anxious-preoccupied people earn less and have less satisfaction in life, and I relate to that so much. It's hard for me to focus on tasks or improving myself because I feel so preoccupied with guys, or anxiety about being alone; I feel hijacked by my mind. I also struggle with self worth because of the preoccupation. I strive to be the kind of person who is grounded and has a meaningful, fulfilling life first, and for a relationship to be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. But instead I feel like I need the relationship above all else. NOTE: I turn 40 next year and I just bought a new car, so I may be having a mid-life crisis! |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 20, 2018 14:36:11 GMT
Hey notalone...it is ok to not want to be alone...I think if most people were honest, being alone is pretty intolerable....that is why a lot of people will use distractions to keep them from feeling lonely or isolated. I tend to swirl on feeling "disconnected" and will try to artificially connect via FB or IM..but those are temporary. Do you have any friends that you can share this fear with who could acknowledge that they too have that fear?
Thanks for your reply. I realize it's ok to not "want" to be alone (I think that's avoidance actually). Maybe I have a block here, because if I'm fully honest, I struggle with feeling jealous of avoidants. It seems like they're fine being alone, and I want that so much. Deep down I know that #1. comparing myself to others isn't helpful or healthy and #2. avoidance isn't a happy, healthy, or secure attachment style. But part of me feels so confused, like if they don't need anyone and they can be OK alone, that must be a happy place to be. I feel like I should (I know it's dangerous to "should") be OK on my own. Instead, I really struggle with is the intensity of my anxiety, fear and preoccupation associated with being alone. Especially the preoccupation. I've read that anxious-preoccupied people earn less and have less satisfaction in life, and I relate to that so much. It's hard for me to focus on tasks or improving myself because I feel so preoccupied with guys, or anxiety about being alone; I feel hijacked by my mind. I also struggle with self worth because of the preoccupation. I strive to be the kind of person who is grounded and has a meaningful, fulfilling life first, and for a relationship to be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. But instead I feel like I need the relationship above all else. NOTE: I turn 40 next year and I just bought a new car, so I may be having a mid-life crisis! Notalone...just remember that there are trade offs.....avoidants who are not on a path to healing are also insecure but have developed a different approach to deal with their attachment issues. They are not"better" then you...but I understand why you feel the way you do. The thing is...you are who you are..and there are plenty of worthy and beautiful aspects of who you are. So as much as you are aware of your anxiety...you are working on it....I think it is worthwhile to acknowledge the progress you have made and to celebrate the positive aspects of yourself.🙂 |
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Post by notalone on Jul 20, 2018 15:30:24 GMT
Helsbells Thank-you for sharing, my heart goes out to you as well. I can relate to everything you said and there's comfort in knowing I'm not alone in this. I've been in the hospital twice for anxiety and depression because of how messed up I get. When I try to detach, my thoughts feel like obsessive compulsive torture. 3 years ago I started to change my patterns. Now I recognize and physically leave unhealthy relationships much more quickly, but my thoughts and emotions stay hooked on a guy until I meet someone new, and I'm still so drawn to avoidant, abusive men. There's this f*ing battle in my mind between the thoughts "this situation bad for you, move on", "I just want to be with him", "what if...", and "I'll always be alone". It feels like being haunted by a lying ghost that won't leave me alone. I notice and try to redirect my mind but in seconds I'm back in the looping thoughts of hell. Exhausting doesn't even begin to describe it. Yes my lovely, looping thoughts that haunt us is the way I feel it too. Ok, we need all this torment to stop right. Are thoughts are so off key yes. So what are we going to do to make it stop. I want the miracle pill so I don't have to do the leg work. That ain't going to happen. I can miss use alcohol but That is so temporary . What's it going to take for me to have some f...ing value in myself and get a grip of my life... Ok here's my solution, keep it real, keep reading everything possible On the clashes of our particular attachments together as a couple and unless both parties are in the same space where they want to work it out together then get the hell out of there. I know I'm not the one idolized enough by my ex to put in the work . It was his ex that tore his heart out that i can't compete with so what am I doing even thinking I ment anything to him. That bloody hurts saying that, but as much as he professed his love for me his actions i.e. replacing me within 7 weeks speak louder than words. So what now? PLEASE SOMEBODY WHO HAS TRODDEN THIS HORRENDOUS PATH BEFORE US HELP USVOUT. I agree - there's no miracle pill. I've tried a bunch, prescription and otherwise, and none produce miracles. Also, I was an addict for 21 years. That's part of the reason I was hospitalized the first time. I've been clean for 3.25 years and I know going back will just make things worse. I'm 100% on board with the things you mentioned - reading and learning about attachment, leaving unhealthy relationships, and working to be more authentic (keeping it real, in your words). I’m working on all of this. There are a few other things I've learned and been trying to implement. I find it really hard though, because the patterns are so engrained and frequent that I often don’t realize I’ve slipped into them for a while. But here’s what I’m trying to do: RESPONDING TO EMOTIONS - ALLOW THE FEELINGS: Letting myself feel the feelings. (This one messes with my head because I’ve felt A LOT of feelings in my life, and I find it hard to believe that more feeling of feelings is helpful. But I’ve numbed a lot too, so when they come up I do what my therapist suggests which is to try to feel whether the emotions are in my body and breathe into them. - SELF-COMPASSION: It’s easy to be mad or irritated at thoughts and feelings. Instead I try to direct the same compassion to myself that I would to any struggling friend or child, and to remind myself they came from a survival instinct that was, at one time, adaptive. RESPONDING TO THOUGHTS - CURIOUSITY: Being curious about thoughts. I ask myself: What's this about? Where do these thoughts come from? Did these thoughts serve me in the past? Do these thoughts still serve me? - QUESTION WHAT’S TRUE: Recognizing that many of the loops are not a reflection of reality/truth and I don’t have to believe them. Terra Brach is an awesome psychologist who talks about the idea that our thoughts are real but not necessarily true. So I ask myself, is this thought true? I find I have a lot of ‘self-doubt’ thoughts, ‘building him up’ thoughts, or ’if I’d done things differently things would be better and we’d live happily ever after’ thoughts, that are often not true. - LABELLING: Giving recurring, habitual thoughts labels, and reminding myself that I am thinking. For example when I think about the current guy, I say to myself "Ex thoughts", or when I think poorly of myself I say "Critical thoughts". - DISTANCE: Sometimes as I label them I think to myself: "Oh, you're back. OK, I see you." I try to watch them at a distance, instead of diving in and engaging with them. Almost like I'm watching a movie instead of acting in it. I’m also working through the exercises in the book Insecure in Love. It’s been helpful for me to write this down too. |
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Post by notalone on Jul 20, 2018 16:41:11 GMT
Thanks for your reply. I realize it's ok to not "want" to be alone (I think that's avoidance actually). Maybe I have a block here, because if I'm fully honest, I struggle with feeling jealous of avoidants. It seems like they're fine being alone, and I want that so much. Deep down I know that #1. comparing myself to others isn't helpful or healthy and #2. avoidance isn't a happy, healthy, or secure attachment style. But part of me feels so confused, like if they don't need anyone and they can be OK alone, that must be a happy place to be. I feel like I should (I know it's dangerous to "should") be OK on my own. Instead, I really struggle with is the intensity of my anxiety, fear and preoccupation associated with being alone. Especially the preoccupation. I've read that anxious-preoccupied people earn less and have less satisfaction in life, and I relate to that so much. It's hard for me to focus on tasks or improving myself because I feel so preoccupied with guys, or anxiety about being alone; I feel hijacked by my mind. I also struggle with self worth because of the preoccupation. I strive to be the kind of person who is grounded and has a meaningful, fulfilling life first, and for a relationship to be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. But instead I feel like I need the relationship above all else. NOTE: I turn 40 next year and I just bought a new car, so I may be having a mid-life crisis! Notalone...just remember that there are trade offs.....avoidants who are not on a path to healing are also insecure but have developed a different approach to deal with their attachment issues. They are not"better" then you...but I understand why you feel the way you do. The thing is...you are who you are..and there are plenty of worthy and beautiful aspects of who you are. So as much as you are aware of your anxiety...you are working on it....I think it is worthwhile to acknowledge the progress you have made and to celebrate the positive aspects of yourself.🙂 Thanks again tnr9. I'm trying. |
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Post by notalone on Jul 20, 2018 16:44:21 GMT
There’s a voice in my head that says I’ll always be alone and/or in an unhealthy relationship. I want to be OK with being alone but I find it so hard to believe it's possible. I try to focus on myself, my work, other things, and this fear seems to lurk below all the time causing this tension, anxiety and depression. My therapist tells me to ask myself where I feel this in my body and breath in to it, and I do that often, but I’m so anxious that this feeling will never go away. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have suggestions for how to heal this? I do not know what kind of exercises your therapist uses. But if there is so much tension, anxiety and obsession in your nerveussystem, then check out the watertank exercise. Do this exercise every day. It helps you not to be so flooded and overwhelmed and to stay precent. It´s developed by leading attatchment/trauma/body therapists in the world. And it also works if you are stressed, gets a chock or you just want to stay more calm and collected throw the day, if you get nerveus at a meeting, if you get affected by other peoples unbalanced nerveussystem, or if you can not sleep ect. As we all are energy, our nerveussystem affects other people on a daily basis. When you are calm, then other people in your precent becomes more calm. When you know it well, you can use it anywhere - the short version. (Seat knots, legs and feet grounding and wickle your toes). (Its energy work and not meditation) jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1072/healing-ambivalent-attatchment-tips-tricksjebkinnisonforum.com/thread/880/self-regulating-exercisesI really appreciate this suggestion anne12. I'll check it out for sure!
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 20, 2018 16:53:11 GMT
Notalone...just remember that there are trade offs.....avoidants who are not on a path to healing are also insecure but have developed a different approach to deal with their attachment issues. They are not"better" then you...but I understand why you feel the way you do. The thing is...you are who you are..and there are plenty of worthy and beautiful aspects of who you are. So as much as you are aware of your anxiety...you are working on it....I think it is worthwhile to acknowledge the progress you have made and to celebrate the positive aspects of yourself.🙂 Thanks again tnr9 . I'm trying. Notalone....you are more than trying, you are "doing". I am a big believer that the words we use either build us up or tear us down. I think you have a great list above on actionable steps you are taking. This is a very small community and thus a very small sample pool....but consider for a moment that there are a lot of people who are facing the same anxiety as you but are not doing anything to question or be curious about their thoughts and feelings. I am not trying to tell you to feel great about feeling anxious...I am suggesting to cut yourself a break in labeling yourself or comparing yourself to others. |
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Post by notalone on Jul 20, 2018 18:23:44 GMT
Thanks again tnr9 . I'm trying. Notalone....you are more than trying, you are "doing". I am a big believer that the words we use either build us up or tear us down. I think you have a great list above on actionable steps you are taking. This is a very small community and thus a very small sample pool....but consider for a moment that there are a lot of people who are facing the same anxiety as you but are not doing anything to question or be curious about their thoughts and feelings. I am not trying to tell you to feel great about feeling anxious...I am suggesting to cut yourself a break in labeling yourself or comparing yourself to others. Since you mentioned people who aren't working on or aware of their issues, I'll admit that the question "is ignorance actually bliss?" crosses my mind sometimes. But I question that less than I wonder "is being avoidants bliss"? I know it's not helpful to compare, and I try not to, but the truth is these are thoughts that come up for me. Hey! Maybe they need a label? OK, here, when they come up, instead of feeling crappy about them, I'm going to tell myself" "Comparing thoughts" and be curious about them, instead of angry at them. 
I agree that the words we use are important; they reflect and impact our thoughts and beliefs. Actually, my thesis in college had a lot to do with the symbols that surround us, including language, and how that impacts our thoughts and values. The thing is, I have a long history of comparing myself to others, and having anxious, self-doubting, perfectionist thoughts, so I'd be exaggerating if I said I feel confident in the work I'm doing on attachment. But at the same time, you're right that I'm more than trying, I am doing, and I appreciate you recognizing and reminding me of that. It took me a long time to feel confident in my recovery from addiction. In the early days I cried for days and days just about the fear I had that I'd never change. But I got there, and now I feel pretty solid in that recovery and proud of the changes I made.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 20, 2018 19:37:10 GMT
Notalone....you are more than trying, you are "doing". I am a big believer that the words we use either build us up or tear us down. I think you have a great list above on actionable steps you are taking. This is a very small community and thus a very small sample pool....but consider for a moment that there are a lot of people who are facing the same anxiety as you but are not doing anything to question or be curious about their thoughts and feelings. I am not trying to tell you to feel great about feeling anxious...I am suggesting to cut yourself a break in labeling yourself or comparing yourself to others. Since you mentioned people who aren't working on or aware of their issues, I'll admit that the question "is ignorance actually bliss?" crosses my mind sometimes. But I question that less than I wonder "is being avoidants bliss"? I know it's not helpful to compare, and I try not to, but the truth is these are thoughts that come up for me. Hey! Maybe they need a label? OK, here, when they come up, instead of feeling crappy about them, I'm going to tell myself" "Comparing thoughts" and be curious about them, instead of angry at them.
I agree that the words we use are important; they reflect and impact our thoughts and beliefs. Actually, my thesis in college had a lot to do with the symbols that surround us, including language, and how that impacts our thoughts and values. The thing is, I have a long history of comparing myself to others, and having anxious, self-doubting, perfectionist thoughts, so I'd be exaggerating if I said I feel confident in the work I'm doing on attachment. But at the same time, you're right that I'm more than trying, I am doing, and I appreciate you recognizing and reminding me of that. It took me a long time to feel confident in my recovery from addiction. In the early days I cried for days and days just about the fear I had that I'd never change. But I got there, and now I feel pretty solid in that recovery and proud of the changes I made.
I don't think ignorance is bliss..I don't think my brother who has DA tendencies but is not aware of them is better off because he spends most of his time focused "elsewhere"...elsewhere meaning on his work, his hobbies, etc. I think it is a matter of degree...there is a balance to be struck between self and others. Another avenue to explore is why the impulse to compare..where did that begin? What was alluring about the other person. I mean...admiring someone else is great...but comparing says there is something missing or faulty...and it just keeps the wheels of AP churning. So I think it is good you are being curious about that. My mom admiitted to being jealous of my sister in law and that made me think of my own comparison issues...which I am also exploring...so we can work on those together.🙂 |
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Post by notalone on Jul 20, 2018 19:49:12 GMT
Since you mentioned people who aren't working on or aware of their issues, I'll admit that the question "is ignorance actually bliss?" crosses my mind sometimes. But I question that less than I wonder "is being avoidants bliss"? I know it's not helpful to compare, and I try not to, but the truth is these are thoughts that come up for me. Hey! Maybe they need a label? OK, here, when they come up, instead of feeling crappy about them, I'm going to tell myself" "Comparing thoughts" and be curious about them, instead of angry at them.
I agree that the words we use are important; they reflect and impact our thoughts and beliefs. Actually, my thesis in college had a lot to do with the symbols that surround us, including language, and how that impacts our thoughts and values. The thing is, I have a long history of comparing myself to others, and having anxious, self-doubting, perfectionist thoughts, so I'd be exaggerating if I said I feel confident in the work I'm doing on attachment. But at the same time, you're right that I'm more than trying, I am doing, and I appreciate you recognizing and reminding me of that. It took me a long time to feel confident in my recovery from addiction. In the early days I cried for days and days just about the fear I had that I'd never change. But I got there, and now I feel pretty solid in that recovery and proud of the changes I made.
I don't think ignorance is bliss..I don't think my brother who has DA tendencies but is not aware of them is better off because he spends most of his time focused "elsewhere"...elsewhere meaning on his work, his hobbies, etc. I think it is a matter of degree...there is a balance to be struck between self and others. Another avenue to explore is why the impulse to compare..where did that begin? What was alluring about the other person. I mean...admiring someone else is great...but comparing says there is something missing or faulty...and it just keeps the wheels of AP churning. So I think it is good you are being curious about that. My mom admiitted to being jealous of my sister in law and that made me think of my own comparison issues...which I am also exploring...so we can work on those together.🙂 It's always bothered me that my mom compares herself to others often, and it makes her miserable. She is always saying how this person has that, and that person has this, and she's got a real "poor me" attitude about her. To be fair, she's had a pretty hard life in many ways so I don't want to judge her for it, but I do notice that these thoughts do not serve her, and it's always kind of bothered me. So perhaps we both get it from our mothers. I wonder of it's a behavior we use to distract from our own struggles in an attempt to feel less pain? I have more thoughts but have to run for now so I'll write again soon. |
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