Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2018 19:28:15 GMT
Hi all!
I haven't written in a while - so I wanted to give an update to my situation, and some thoughts
I broke things off with the FA I was seeing in February/March time - I'll be honest, I don't even think I really liked this guy all that much. I remember being SO relieved when I first broke things off. I liked elements of him, but I often had a knot in my stomach, and found myself second guessing things I said, driving myself kind of crazy wondering where I stood with this person who was just so inconsistent about how they felt about me. I didn't like the way I felt like I couldn't be myself - I felt like I was always walking on egg shells and playing a game rigged against me.
At first, I really struggled with the end - it was crazymaking. Although we hadn't even been seeing each other for that long, I was having nightmares or losing sleep over this and I was just experiencing intrusive thinking about him and about the situation almost all day long. It felt so disproportionate the amount of involuntary obsessing that was going on in my mind against the few months we were seeing one another. It was really so strange.
As an FA myself, I am normally the one to walk away from situations, and when I'm done, I'm done - I usually have someone lined up (and by usually, I mean this last happened a year ago) but this time I didn't do that, and now I can see why I do do that. It was emotional agony to leave someone without someone else lined up, and I had to endure my mind running away with itself for months, and physical symptoms, and nightmares.
But
I did it! I've been single ever since that situation and I've started to learn that I like to be alone. I am learning to love myself - and those nasty symptoms have gone now. I even joined Tinder and realised just how many other options are out there that actually feel better than what I just left, but I realised against seeing someone new while I'm studying.
I've been thinking a lot lately - about how a pairing where one is more dismissive and one is more anxious is no relationship at all - it is a power struggle. It is two people struggling to gain the upper hand to get what they need at the expense of the others' needs. It is an impossible power game. I'm so glad that I've left that game. I truly think there was no way to make it work while staying true to who I am, and that's too big a price at the sake of not being alone, or at the sake of someone else's good qualities
I haven't written in a while - so I wanted to give an update to my situation, and some thoughts
I broke things off with the FA I was seeing in February/March time - I'll be honest, I don't even think I really liked this guy all that much. I remember being SO relieved when I first broke things off. I liked elements of him, but I often had a knot in my stomach, and found myself second guessing things I said, driving myself kind of crazy wondering where I stood with this person who was just so inconsistent about how they felt about me. I didn't like the way I felt like I couldn't be myself - I felt like I was always walking on egg shells and playing a game rigged against me.
At first, I really struggled with the end - it was crazymaking. Although we hadn't even been seeing each other for that long, I was having nightmares or losing sleep over this and I was just experiencing intrusive thinking about him and about the situation almost all day long. It felt so disproportionate the amount of involuntary obsessing that was going on in my mind against the few months we were seeing one another. It was really so strange.
As an FA myself, I am normally the one to walk away from situations, and when I'm done, I'm done - I usually have someone lined up (and by usually, I mean this last happened a year ago) but this time I didn't do that, and now I can see why I do do that. It was emotional agony to leave someone without someone else lined up, and I had to endure my mind running away with itself for months, and physical symptoms, and nightmares.
But
I did it! I've been single ever since that situation and I've started to learn that I like to be alone. I am learning to love myself - and those nasty symptoms have gone now. I even joined Tinder and realised just how many other options are out there that actually feel better than what I just left, but I realised against seeing someone new while I'm studying.
I've been thinking a lot lately - about how a pairing where one is more dismissive and one is more anxious is no relationship at all - it is a power struggle. It is two people struggling to gain the upper hand to get what they need at the expense of the others' needs. It is an impossible power game. I'm so glad that I've left that game. I truly think there was no way to make it work while staying true to who I am, and that's too big a price at the sake of not being alone, or at the sake of someone else's good qualities