The 4 Attatchment style decription / relying on thetests ect
Jul 25, 2018 18:58:56 GMT
nathan likes this
Post by anne12 on Jul 25, 2018 18:58:56 GMT
What are attatchmentstyles?
Relationship patterns/attatchmentstyles are different ways that we unaware, relate to others. It's both how we feel - and how we act among other people. These are ways we behave towards others - and ways we interpret others' behavior to us. Not only in a relationship of love, but generally in relation to other people: Family, children, friends, colleagues, bosses and others. Our forms attatchment/connection consist of (unconscious) convictions as well as automatic thoughts, feelings and actions. They are located in the automatpilot. They are thus reactions from the old part of the brain, which is made up of the brain stem and the limbic system.
Daniel Siegel, Diane Poole Heller and others divide ways to associate with others in four categories. These four are the secure, the avoidant (DA), the ambivalent / nervous (AP) and the disorganized (FA). The vast majority of us have elements from all of these four attatchment styles patterns. On the other hand, we very rarely have all the characteristics of only one attatchmentstyle pattern. We do not have either one or the other attatchmentstyle pattern - but degrees!
(For example, a person can have about 30% secure, 5% avoidant, 50% ambivalent and 15% disorganized in a relationsship.)
The secure connection form is the constructive one. It is the platform from which we can truly experience love. The other three connection patterns, however, are troublesome and will in different ways "stick a jaw in the wheel" for love! They were originally formed as a defense against the pain of not experiencing the love, empathy and presence of our mother and father and other caregivers that we needed as children. These defenses helped us survive at that time. Unfortunately, it is precisely the same reactions that our adult lives now can prevent us from getting the love to succeed. Therefore it is worthwhile to clarify all these defense mechanisms. By nature, it is especially valuable for us to cultivate the secure connection form.
The interaction - the "dance"
You have your preferred way to connect/attatchmentstyle. At the same time theses ways to connect will be characterized by other peoples way of relating to you, that is, the other's attatchmentstyles patterns. Imagine two people both with primary secure connection. These two, of course, have the greatest opportunities for building a loving, harmonious and satisfying relationship. There is no stick that is unconsciously "stuck in the wheel".
People with the other 3 attatchment styles patterns will also have easier to get a relationship to work with someone who has a safe attatchmentstyle. But the reality is, that most of the three other (insecure) attatchmnetstyles will typically fall in love with a person also with an insecure attatchmentstyle. A relationship with a lover with a secure attatchmentstyle, would not give the same opportunity to restore childhood's negative mental environment. According to Imago, it is these people (with insecure atttmentsstyles) that are capable of this, for which we will be attracted.
It is obvious that an ambivalent / nervous attatched with all his feelings and needs, typically exaggerated - will be demanding for an avoidant person. The avoidant unintentionally attempts to dodge and suppress exactly all of these feelings and needs. Like the avoidant can challenge the Ambivalent!
Secure attatchment:
Basic peace of mind in relation to yourself and others
Good relationships with both men and women
Realistic optimism
Satisfaction in sexual relationship
Easy to get in balance / rest in yourself again after challenging situations, also in relation to others
You walk in and out of contact with others in a natural rhythm
Healthy balance between your attention on yourself and attention on the other person
Good empathy
Remains present in the contact
Pay attention to when something is wrong in the contact
Can make sure to fix the relationship whenever necessary - or receive initiative from the other person to make things good again
Being able to repair/reach out as soon as you notice, that you are out of sync
Voice the problems and take the conflicts in the relationship, when required
Do not compromise with bad situations and know that you deserve to be treated properly
Know your needs and express them directly
Good body contact, also when you are in touch with others
You are largely the same person, regardless of whether your partner (or others) are in the same room
Think, feel and express 80% of the time positive about your partner
Good self-esteem - and respectful to others
Are not afraid to be alone
Compassion with yourself or others when there is hurt
Responds mature in relationships. Do not let yourself be overwhelmed by emotions, senses or instinctive reactions
Can leave an unhealthy relationship
In a healthy relationship, you do not miss your partner, when the partner is away, but you are loking forward to meet again.
Signs of dismissive avoidant attatchmentstyle patterns:
(maybe not all of them, but only a few traits combined with secure or any of the other attatchmentsstyles)
You are single-family, thrive best alone, go your own ways, is private
You subdue (unconsciously) the meaning of relationships with others
You "drive your own race"
You are easy to get calm and "land" yourself. But you are having difficulty letting someone else help you with this
You give (unconsciously) others a cold shoulder and overfocus on yourself
You are "up in the head" and may have difficulty to feel the body
Headache is common due to a ring of tension around the eyes and ears
You are intelligent and good at using your head - but have difficulty handling emotions
You are having difficulty experiencing and expressing feelings and needs - suppress or expose them to the better!
You have (unconscious) fear of wishing or desiring as it feels overwhelmingly vulnerable
You can "disappear" and get out of touch without discovering it yourself
You can suppress your wish for contact. You can convince yourself, that you are best alone - that you do not need others
You can give up people / humanity and instead relate to animals, nature, spirituality, etc.
You have low expectations of others
You may feel like a stranger, wrong in relation to others, as if you do not belong here on earth
You may have many friends and be engaged, but it is on a shallow level. You first meet the problems, when you enter into a significant relationship of love - where the deep needs lie
Challenges in a Relationship:
You may be inaccessible to some extent and withdraw. It can be mental, emotional or physical. Your partner will experience it as being a distance
You suppress your needs - so your partner does not get a clear message about what you want or do not want
You condemn (unconsciously) and distance your partner's needs
You do not necessarily have much empathy, it may be completely lacking
You may despise (unconsciously) your partner's emotional expression. For example, you pull away if your partner cries or is angry. You speak disappointingly about emotional reactions
You are not (completely) up and are (completely) present in the relationship
You may have problems with the contact, such as eye contact or physical touch
You may have difficulty talking about relationships and feelings. You tackle things intellectually / practically instead. You do not say "I love you", but change the headlight of your partner's car or wash her clothes
Signs of Ambivalent Attachment style/ambivalent traits:
(REMEMBER: often you only have some of the traits combined with some of the other attatchmentstyles!)
You may have persistent anxiety, frustration or despair in love
You are having trouble calming down and "landing" yourself, when you are emotionally or alertly affected - you need someone else to help you with this
You need attention to your needs
You are unsure whether you can get your needs met - or if it's even okay to have needs or wishes in a relationship
You can fear (unconsciously) that the need will cause defeat - that the other will push you away if you express your needs
You exaggerate (unconsciously) emotions and needs! Because you basically do not believe that you can get your needs met
You're comfortable with what's available - instead of asking for what you really need
You are eager to please others - even though it may hurt yourself
You sometimes give to recieve - and then create distance from the other, if he / she does not give as much as you do
You often prioritize the other person over yourself. You overfocus on the needs of the other
You easily lose yourself in the relationship
You may have obsessive thoughts about your partner. Or about what others think of you. Thoughts that shifts back and forth in your head
You are easily flooded with the feelings of the past - and unconsciously project the past into the present. The filter between past feelings and present is thin
You have high expectations of others - approaching to the perfectionist
You identify (unconsciously) with "I'm longing - but I have not". So even if you get love and care, you have difficulty accepting and take it in
If the other is / becomes available, you easily lose interest. So you typicaly turn around and look for a new man / woman you can not get
You confuse (unconscious) longing and love. You think love, if you miss!
You may not feel good enough, that you do not deserve to get love
You can have low self-esteem
You may have depression
You may experience emptiness
You can interrupt family relationships
You often have short relationships - possibly in your friendships too
You can misread others social cues and facical expressions. You tend to overanalyse and read facical expressions negatively.
You can have a problem with oversharing
Anxiously attached people say they want pleasure, but their life experience has taught them to be more comfortable with pain because it's familiar. In identifying with deprivation, ambivalently attached people reject love when it truly manifests because it feels unfamiliar and disorienting
Possible issues in the relationship:
You can have emotional outbursts and become easily flooded by the emotions (which is mix from the past). You think it's all about your partner, and does not see your flood to a great extent stems from your past.
Or You are more quiet and becomes sad and implodes instead of explode. (There are two types of ambivalent)
You're easy to complain and blame your partner for everything ... but often indirectly and martyrically, say, "You'd also rather be with the others", "You always think of your work first", "I do everything possible for you "
As there are TWO types of ambivalent, the other type is more quiet, becomes sad instead of getting angry, implodes, do a lot for their partner. This type do not blame the other, like the more "angry" type of ambivalent.
You may need to take responsibility fully of yourself and thus become easily dissatisfied - push it over to the partner. A victim role that is typically unconscious. You think: "If only he / she .... Then we / I would be happy"
You often push your partner away - creating your own worst nightmare!
Because sometimes you provide to make sure you are not rejected, your partner may feel angry without knowing why. He / she can feel like being manipulated and that there is a price, for what you give - which there can also be!
When your partner becomes fully available and loves you - you can turn around the dynamics and become inaccessible and sabotage the loving contact
Your partner may find that her / his love is being rejected or prone to you, as if you can not spot it or experience it. That he / she can never do enough to prove that his / her love is to be trusted.
Signs of disorganized attatchment style:
(remember often we do not only have one attatchment style but a mix)
You may feel like a mistake in the relationship because of your overwhelming reactions ("dramaqueen / king"). The integrity of your reactions is because you have to suppress the survival instincts of the original love relationship with your mother / father when you were a child. It creates a state of tension in you, which can then be released spontaneously and explosively in your adult life.
You may have a confusion about when a contact with another is safe, and when it is necessary to escape or fight
You may experience being confused in the relationship and having trouble figuring out what's going on.
You are often locked in "Come Here - And Go Away!" patterns. You reach out for love -> you get frightened -> you pull away or attack -> then you will be calm again, when there is a distance -> you reach out, etc. Looks like the ambivalent pattern, but there are actually two different mechanisms. The disorganized form of connetcion is not about the accessibility of the other, as for the ambivalent / nervous attatched, but that you are overwhelmed at an instinctive level of contact. The close contact brings the old history into the system - and thus the old state of tension in the nervous system: Alarm! The ambivalent loses interest if the other is available. The disorganized runs scared back or attacks aggressively.(maybe this doesn't show on the outside, but the person can feel it on the inside).
You do not like, if things are not clear. If there is confusion and clutter, it causes turmoil inside you and often causes angry- or panic outbursts Or You collapse.
You may have difficulty being present in the present moment
You have an inner chaos and you may be afraid of being insane (stemming from the original situation of your upbringing: it was crazy!)
You may have tension, when describing your past, for example, holding long breaks when you tell about your past and stop in the middle of sentences. Or have physical and / or emotional numbness
You may have memory problems
You may have difficulty remembering your childhood, or you may remember only a few episodes or things that you have been told or seen in pictures.
You can experience old stressful situations, that comes alive in your memory, as if you were there again (flash-backs)
You may be bad at taking care of yourself and your body
You can possibly hurt yourself by bodily exaggeration by cutting yourself
,Possible issues in the relationship
You may have difficulty knowing, when it's ok to trust others - or how! You can have either "blind" trust or no trust at all.
You may have difficulty seeing danger signals - because you as a child learned to overhear these
You may find it difficult to feel your boundaries, and therefore you find it hard to set boundaries
You may have difficulty relying on your boundaries beiing okay
You may have a continuing need to either escape(flight) or fight in a relationship. The feeling of security is largely lacking
You may have sudden mood swings / shut downs / freeze / fight /flight
Your partner may be afraid of your sudden shifts and the extreme feelings such as rage or panic attacks
You may disconnect or pick a fight when true intimacy begins to emerge often without knowing why
Your partner may feel pushed away because of your inability to be present in the present moment and feeling the body
You may disconnect or pick a fight when true intimacy begins to emerge often without knowing why
Your partner may feel pushed away because of your inability to be present in the present moment and feeling the body
Your relationship may be characterized by persecutor-victim dynamics, over-underdog, one beeing in power and the other one feeling powerless.
Theres a lot of despair in lovelife
A lot of shame
If you are more related to the disorganized attatchmentstyle, you will tend to fall in love with someone who exceeds your limits (or where you find it difficult to set boundaries), where you may have a underdog / overdog dynamics or one that surely overwhelms you.
The desorganised part of your attatchment style are maybe only be 5%, but these 5% can be the reason for (all) your troubles in your lovelife and other relationships.
(For the last three attatchmentsstyles: The avoidant, ambivalent / nervous and disorganized it is important to focus on the stable, safe and sustained relationships that have nevertheless been in your life - other people, animals or spiritual experiences! By focusing on what is already alright, it can grow.
Remember: These connections are in the unconscious, in the Auto Pilot! So even though we recognize the attatchments styles, it's not always enough to change them - because they are old survival mechanisms that the Autopilot must be convinced is okay to leave. These are thus in the instinctive level, which goes deeper than the emotions. Unfortunately, there are not many neural connections between the reptile brain in which the instincts lie, and the neocortex, where consciousness, reason, and the adult self lies.
www.crowe-associates.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Attachment_charlie_brown.jpg
[/i]
Look for more information, tips and tricks in the healing threads in the generel diskussion forum
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1071/healing-avoidant-da-attatchmentstyle
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1073/healing-disorganized-attatchment-chock-trauma
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1072/healing-anxious-ambivalent-attatchment-tricks
Relationship patterns/attatchmentstyles are different ways that we unaware, relate to others. It's both how we feel - and how we act among other people. These are ways we behave towards others - and ways we interpret others' behavior to us. Not only in a relationship of love, but generally in relation to other people: Family, children, friends, colleagues, bosses and others. Our forms attatchment/connection consist of (unconscious) convictions as well as automatic thoughts, feelings and actions. They are located in the automatpilot. They are thus reactions from the old part of the brain, which is made up of the brain stem and the limbic system.
Daniel Siegel, Diane Poole Heller and others divide ways to associate with others in four categories. These four are the secure, the avoidant (DA), the ambivalent / nervous (AP) and the disorganized (FA). The vast majority of us have elements from all of these four attatchment styles patterns. On the other hand, we very rarely have all the characteristics of only one attatchmentstyle pattern. We do not have either one or the other attatchmentstyle pattern - but degrees!
(For example, a person can have about 30% secure, 5% avoidant, 50% ambivalent and 15% disorganized in a relationsship.)
The secure connection form is the constructive one. It is the platform from which we can truly experience love. The other three connection patterns, however, are troublesome and will in different ways "stick a jaw in the wheel" for love! They were originally formed as a defense against the pain of not experiencing the love, empathy and presence of our mother and father and other caregivers that we needed as children. These defenses helped us survive at that time. Unfortunately, it is precisely the same reactions that our adult lives now can prevent us from getting the love to succeed. Therefore it is worthwhile to clarify all these defense mechanisms. By nature, it is especially valuable for us to cultivate the secure connection form.
The interaction - the "dance"
You have your preferred way to connect/attatchmentstyle. At the same time theses ways to connect will be characterized by other peoples way of relating to you, that is, the other's attatchmentstyles patterns. Imagine two people both with primary secure connection. These two, of course, have the greatest opportunities for building a loving, harmonious and satisfying relationship. There is no stick that is unconsciously "stuck in the wheel".
People with the other 3 attatchment styles patterns will also have easier to get a relationship to work with someone who has a safe attatchmentstyle. But the reality is, that most of the three other (insecure) attatchmnetstyles will typically fall in love with a person also with an insecure attatchmentstyle. A relationship with a lover with a secure attatchmentstyle, would not give the same opportunity to restore childhood's negative mental environment. According to Imago, it is these people (with insecure atttmentsstyles) that are capable of this, for which we will be attracted.
It is obvious that an ambivalent / nervous attatched with all his feelings and needs, typically exaggerated - will be demanding for an avoidant person. The avoidant unintentionally attempts to dodge and suppress exactly all of these feelings and needs. Like the avoidant can challenge the Ambivalent!
Secure attatchment:
Basic peace of mind in relation to yourself and others
Good relationships with both men and women
Realistic optimism
Satisfaction in sexual relationship
Easy to get in balance / rest in yourself again after challenging situations, also in relation to others
You walk in and out of contact with others in a natural rhythm
Healthy balance between your attention on yourself and attention on the other person
Good empathy
Remains present in the contact
Pay attention to when something is wrong in the contact
Can make sure to fix the relationship whenever necessary - or receive initiative from the other person to make things good again
Being able to repair/reach out as soon as you notice, that you are out of sync
Voice the problems and take the conflicts in the relationship, when required
Do not compromise with bad situations and know that you deserve to be treated properly
Know your needs and express them directly
Good body contact, also when you are in touch with others
You are largely the same person, regardless of whether your partner (or others) are in the same room
Think, feel and express 80% of the time positive about your partner
Good self-esteem - and respectful to others
Are not afraid to be alone
Compassion with yourself or others when there is hurt
Responds mature in relationships. Do not let yourself be overwhelmed by emotions, senses or instinctive reactions
Can leave an unhealthy relationship
In a healthy relationship, you do not miss your partner, when the partner is away, but you are loking forward to meet again.
Signs of dismissive avoidant attatchmentstyle patterns:
(maybe not all of them, but only a few traits combined with secure or any of the other attatchmentsstyles)
You are single-family, thrive best alone, go your own ways, is private
You subdue (unconsciously) the meaning of relationships with others
You "drive your own race"
You are easy to get calm and "land" yourself. But you are having difficulty letting someone else help you with this
You give (unconsciously) others a cold shoulder and overfocus on yourself
You are "up in the head" and may have difficulty to feel the body
Headache is common due to a ring of tension around the eyes and ears
You are intelligent and good at using your head - but have difficulty handling emotions
You are having difficulty experiencing and expressing feelings and needs - suppress or expose them to the better!
You have (unconscious) fear of wishing or desiring as it feels overwhelmingly vulnerable
You can "disappear" and get out of touch without discovering it yourself
You can suppress your wish for contact. You can convince yourself, that you are best alone - that you do not need others
You can give up people / humanity and instead relate to animals, nature, spirituality, etc.
You have low expectations of others
You may feel like a stranger, wrong in relation to others, as if you do not belong here on earth
You may have many friends and be engaged, but it is on a shallow level. You first meet the problems, when you enter into a significant relationship of love - where the deep needs lie
Challenges in a Relationship:
You may be inaccessible to some extent and withdraw. It can be mental, emotional or physical. Your partner will experience it as being a distance
You suppress your needs - so your partner does not get a clear message about what you want or do not want
You condemn (unconsciously) and distance your partner's needs
You do not necessarily have much empathy, it may be completely lacking
You may despise (unconsciously) your partner's emotional expression. For example, you pull away if your partner cries or is angry. You speak disappointingly about emotional reactions
You are not (completely) up and are (completely) present in the relationship
You may have problems with the contact, such as eye contact or physical touch
You may have difficulty talking about relationships and feelings. You tackle things intellectually / practically instead. You do not say "I love you", but change the headlight of your partner's car or wash her clothes
Signs of Ambivalent Attachment style/ambivalent traits:
(REMEMBER: often you only have some of the traits combined with some of the other attatchmentstyles!)
You may have persistent anxiety, frustration or despair in love
You are having trouble calming down and "landing" yourself, when you are emotionally or alertly affected - you need someone else to help you with this
You need attention to your needs
You are unsure whether you can get your needs met - or if it's even okay to have needs or wishes in a relationship
You can fear (unconsciously) that the need will cause defeat - that the other will push you away if you express your needs
You exaggerate (unconsciously) emotions and needs! Because you basically do not believe that you can get your needs met
You're comfortable with what's available - instead of asking for what you really need
You are eager to please others - even though it may hurt yourself
You sometimes give to recieve - and then create distance from the other, if he / she does not give as much as you do
You often prioritize the other person over yourself. You overfocus on the needs of the other
You easily lose yourself in the relationship
You may have obsessive thoughts about your partner. Or about what others think of you. Thoughts that shifts back and forth in your head
You are easily flooded with the feelings of the past - and unconsciously project the past into the present. The filter between past feelings and present is thin
You have high expectations of others - approaching to the perfectionist
You identify (unconsciously) with "I'm longing - but I have not". So even if you get love and care, you have difficulty accepting and take it in
If the other is / becomes available, you easily lose interest. So you typicaly turn around and look for a new man / woman you can not get
You confuse (unconscious) longing and love. You think love, if you miss!
You may not feel good enough, that you do not deserve to get love
You can have low self-esteem
You may have depression
You may experience emptiness
You can interrupt family relationships
You often have short relationships - possibly in your friendships too
You can misread others social cues and facical expressions. You tend to overanalyse and read facical expressions negatively.
You can have a problem with oversharing
Anxiously attached people say they want pleasure, but their life experience has taught them to be more comfortable with pain because it's familiar. In identifying with deprivation, ambivalently attached people reject love when it truly manifests because it feels unfamiliar and disorienting
Possible issues in the relationship:
You can have emotional outbursts and become easily flooded by the emotions (which is mix from the past). You think it's all about your partner, and does not see your flood to a great extent stems from your past.
Or You are more quiet and becomes sad and implodes instead of explode. (There are two types of ambivalent)
You're easy to complain and blame your partner for everything ... but often indirectly and martyrically, say, "You'd also rather be with the others", "You always think of your work first", "I do everything possible for you "
As there are TWO types of ambivalent, the other type is more quiet, becomes sad instead of getting angry, implodes, do a lot for their partner. This type do not blame the other, like the more "angry" type of ambivalent.
You may need to take responsibility fully of yourself and thus become easily dissatisfied - push it over to the partner. A victim role that is typically unconscious. You think: "If only he / she .... Then we / I would be happy"
You often push your partner away - creating your own worst nightmare!
Because sometimes you provide to make sure you are not rejected, your partner may feel angry without knowing why. He / she can feel like being manipulated and that there is a price, for what you give - which there can also be!
When your partner becomes fully available and loves you - you can turn around the dynamics and become inaccessible and sabotage the loving contact
Your partner may find that her / his love is being rejected or prone to you, as if you can not spot it or experience it. That he / she can never do enough to prove that his / her love is to be trusted.
Signs of disorganized attatchment style:
(remember often we do not only have one attatchment style but a mix)
You may feel like a mistake in the relationship because of your overwhelming reactions ("dramaqueen / king"). The integrity of your reactions is because you have to suppress the survival instincts of the original love relationship with your mother / father when you were a child. It creates a state of tension in you, which can then be released spontaneously and explosively in your adult life.
You may have a confusion about when a contact with another is safe, and when it is necessary to escape or fight
You may experience being confused in the relationship and having trouble figuring out what's going on.
You are often locked in "Come Here - And Go Away!" patterns. You reach out for love -> you get frightened -> you pull away or attack -> then you will be calm again, when there is a distance -> you reach out, etc. Looks like the ambivalent pattern, but there are actually two different mechanisms. The disorganized form of connetcion is not about the accessibility of the other, as for the ambivalent / nervous attatched, but that you are overwhelmed at an instinctive level of contact. The close contact brings the old history into the system - and thus the old state of tension in the nervous system: Alarm! The ambivalent loses interest if the other is available. The disorganized runs scared back or attacks aggressively.(maybe this doesn't show on the outside, but the person can feel it on the inside).
You do not like, if things are not clear. If there is confusion and clutter, it causes turmoil inside you and often causes angry- or panic outbursts Or You collapse.
You may have difficulty being present in the present moment
You have an inner chaos and you may be afraid of being insane (stemming from the original situation of your upbringing: it was crazy!)
You may have tension, when describing your past, for example, holding long breaks when you tell about your past and stop in the middle of sentences. Or have physical and / or emotional numbness
You may have memory problems
You may have difficulty remembering your childhood, or you may remember only a few episodes or things that you have been told or seen in pictures.
You can experience old stressful situations, that comes alive in your memory, as if you were there again (flash-backs)
You may be bad at taking care of yourself and your body
You can possibly hurt yourself by bodily exaggeration by cutting yourself
,Possible issues in the relationship
You may have difficulty knowing, when it's ok to trust others - or how! You can have either "blind" trust or no trust at all.
You may have difficulty seeing danger signals - because you as a child learned to overhear these
You may find it difficult to feel your boundaries, and therefore you find it hard to set boundaries
You may have difficulty relying on your boundaries beiing okay
You may have a continuing need to either escape(flight) or fight in a relationship. The feeling of security is largely lacking
You may have sudden mood swings / shut downs / freeze / fight /flight
Your partner may be afraid of your sudden shifts and the extreme feelings such as rage or panic attacks
You may disconnect or pick a fight when true intimacy begins to emerge often without knowing why
Your partner may feel pushed away because of your inability to be present in the present moment and feeling the body
You may disconnect or pick a fight when true intimacy begins to emerge often without knowing why
Your partner may feel pushed away because of your inability to be present in the present moment and feeling the body
Your relationship may be characterized by persecutor-victim dynamics, over-underdog, one beeing in power and the other one feeling powerless.
Theres a lot of despair in lovelife
A lot of shame
If you are more related to the disorganized attatchmentstyle, you will tend to fall in love with someone who exceeds your limits (or where you find it difficult to set boundaries), where you may have a underdog / overdog dynamics or one that surely overwhelms you.
The desorganised part of your attatchment style are maybe only be 5%, but these 5% can be the reason for (all) your troubles in your lovelife and other relationships.
(For the last three attatchmentsstyles: The avoidant, ambivalent / nervous and disorganized it is important to focus on the stable, safe and sustained relationships that have nevertheless been in your life - other people, animals or spiritual experiences! By focusing on what is already alright, it can grow.
Remember: These connections are in the unconscious, in the Auto Pilot! So even though we recognize the attatchments styles, it's not always enough to change them - because they are old survival mechanisms that the Autopilot must be convinced is okay to leave. These are thus in the instinctive level, which goes deeper than the emotions. Unfortunately, there are not many neural connections between the reptile brain in which the instincts lie, and the neocortex, where consciousness, reason, and the adult self lies.
www.crowe-associates.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Attachment_charlie_brown.jpg
[/i]
Look for more information, tips and tricks in the healing threads in the generel diskussion forum
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1071/healing-avoidant-da-attatchmentstyle
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1073/healing-disorganized-attatchment-chock-trauma
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1072/healing-anxious-ambivalent-attatchment-tricks