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Post by gaynxious on Feb 10, 2017 22:11:01 GMT
From my own reading I have heard that anxious preoccupied individuals have hyperactive parasympathetic systems which generally results in an inability to self regulate their emotions. Basically when you are angry, you don't know how to stop being angry, when you are sad you don't know how to stop being sad. Now obviously everyone has his problem to some extent, if we could simply chose to not be sad no one would ever be sad. But we seem to have real difficulty with self soothing and changing emotional states on our own. This often results in manipulative behavior because the only way we have learned to change our emotional state is to control our emotional environment. This is why manipulative behavior doesn't seem manipulative. Many of us have just assumed that when someone makes us feel bad, we should 'fix' the situation. Often telling ourselves that anyone would be angry or sad in that instance and our partners or friends should have realized it and it's their responsibility to fix it. Obviously sometimes people's actions are extreme enough where they should know not to behave that way, but often our emotional reaction to people is not their fault.
My question is how does one combat this problem? How do you develope emotional control and how do you recognize opportunities to improve it?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2017 15:21:47 GMT
They say that children learn to regulate emotions by being confident that their feelings will be heard and understood by their parent.Emotions become less urgent. Perhaps this is why talk therapy helps? Perhaps setting aside time to talk to a confidante about your feelings, rather than acting impulsively on them, develops the regulation over time? What I find with very emotional people is that they think that their feelings "will never end", and that they can't do anything about it which perpetuates the state. I think different things work for different people. Some people find meditation works while others exercise. Maybe it's finding that "release" that works best for you to change the state.
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Post by learningalongtheway on Jul 16, 2017 22:39:30 GMT
From my own reading I have heard that anxious preoccupied individuals have hyperactive parasympathetic systems which generally results in an inability to self regulate their emotions. Basically when you are angry, you don't know how to stop being angry, when you are sad you don't know how to stop being sad. Now obviously everyone has his problem to some extent, if we could simply chose to not be sad no one would ever be sad. But we seem to have real difficulty with self soothing and changing emotional states on our own. This often results in manipulative behavior because the only way we have learned to change our emotional state is to control our emotional environment. This is why manipulative behavior doesn't seem manipulative. Many of us have just assumed that when someone makes us feel bad, we should 'fix' the situation. Often telling ourselves that anyone would be angry or sad in that instance and our partners or friends should have realized it and it's their responsibility to fix it. Obviously sometimes people's actions are extreme enough where they should know not to behave that way, but often our emotional reaction to people is not their fault. My question is how does one combat this problem? How do you develope emotional control and how do you recognize opportunities to improve it? I think you hit the nail on the head here. Anxious-preoccipued people burden their partners by expecting them to constantly notice their emotions and emotionally regulate them. On the flip side, dismissive are generally unattuned to their partners emotional state, as a defense mechanism since dismissive can't even deal with their own emotions. I think improving one's own emotional regulation starts with recognizing that it is possible to regulate your own emotions, and it takes time and energy. Does it make sense to expect a partner to spend all their time and energy regulating your emotions? To me it makes more sense that emotional regulation would be a task that's equally shared by both individuals in a relationship. I think this is especially important in the context of parenting. If one parent can't partially emotionally regulate themselves, then the other is responsible for regulating the child and the partner......which is a lot of work. |
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Post by gaynxious on Aug 12, 2017 22:23:22 GMT
I'm wondering what it is about being attached that seems to exacerbate this need to find emotional regulation in others. Reviewing the events of my life I have noticed I often felt angry because my partner wouldn't or couldn't do things that would have made me felt better, such as having lunch with me, cuddling with me on the couch, and yes sex as apparently anxious people often use sex as a proxy for whether their partners are still attracted to them. But I'm the absensce of a relationship while not having these things may get me momentarily down, it is easy to let it go and also there is no impulse to get angry over the situation. Even when other people are involved, say wanted to do lunch with a friend but they are uncooperative, or wanting to go home with the guy you were making out with on the dance floor but he passes. Why is it so much easier to self regulate these feelings than when attached to someone that must at least be partially fulfilling these needs otherwise why would you be in a relationship with them?
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Post by aisling on Aug 18, 2017 2:03:51 GMT
Meditation! I know a lot of folks claim that, but it has helped me learn how to embody my feelings/feel my feelings without sparking my amygdala and watching the fear response escalate to the point where I'm honestly believing that everything is going to crumble unless I get the emotions out RIGHT AWAY... phew, I'm feeling slightly anxious just typing this... On a more serious note, I really do feel that coming back into my body and into the present moment helps me recognize that the intensity of my emotions may not always match the situation, and that's there's usually a much better way of expressing myself and getting my need met. It's a practice though. I can only speak for myself, but embracing the fact that I'm hyper-attuned and watch people's responses like my actual life depends on their approval/connectivity has made a difference; it's who I am, and probably who you are, and you have to work with the way your nervous system is wired. That said, I've worked a hell of a lot of being vulnerable. If I'm protesting something in my mind, I try and dial it back, in the moment, and ask where it's originating. I try and assume my partner is with me, not against me. You can't make a change unless you try something creative. It feels uncomfortable to be open, admit to some pretty 'ugly' insecurities or thoughts, and ask your partner for direct support as YOU try and take responsibility for your underlying feelings. Part of the problem with the inability to self-soothe is that you expect partners to be parents and you outsource your ability to care for yourself onto someone else. Not so nice for either party. You can flip the script, though, by taking ownership of those feelings, expressing your feelings as your own (I statements! Not "you're not supporting me," but "I don't feel supported"), asking for help, and then committing to working on healing most of this within yourself. It helps to recognize that the little voice in you telling you that you're too much or that your emotions are a burden are probably contributing to you over-asserting yourself and assuming that your partner won't be there for you if you tell them what you're feeling. If you already assume that your partner won't be there, you're probably going to protest instead of being vulnerable.
Easier said than done? Maybe. It takes time. I'm not where I want to be, but I can say from experience that you can change, and that it doesn't always feel right or comfortable when you're first doing it. Sometimes I've had to learn how to just sit with my anxiety for way longer than I want to and say nothing about the intensity of feelings welling up inside me. You're not doomed to be at the mercy of your nervous system attunement. It makes us really great empathizers, right?
One of the hosts of my favorite podcasts, the smart couple, always says something about how you get damaged through relationships, and you get healed through relationships-the point is that it has to happen IN relationship. You can only do so much work on your own! Ask your good friends for help and advice. Read books, but don't get so caught up in your intellect that you forget to feel;-).
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Post by aisling on Aug 18, 2017 2:12:28 GMT
I'm wondering what it is about being attached that seems to exacerbate this need to find emotional regulation in others. Reviewing the events of my life I have noticed I often felt angry because my partner wouldn't or couldn't do things that would have made me felt better, such as having lunch with me, cuddling with me on the couch, and yes sex as apparently anxious people often use sex as a proxy for whether their partners are still attracted to them. But I'm the absensce of a relationship while not having these things may get me momentarily down, it is easy to let it go and also there is no impulse to get angry over the situation. Even when other people are involved, say wanted to do lunch with a friend but they are uncooperative, or wanting to go home with the guy you were making out with on the dance floor but he passes. Why is it so much easier to self regulate these feelings than when attached to someone that must at least be partially fulfilling these needs otherwise why would you be in a relationship with them? Oh, goodness, isn't that the question we all want answered?! I'm constantly wondering why my good friends -some of whom I share a much greater intimacy with than my romantic partners- never activate me like my romantic partners do. Like you, I let so much slide that would otherwise feel awful/produce anxiety. I know they say it's because our romantic partners have become surrogates for our parents-at least in American/nuclear family/monogamous culture... but why? |
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Post by cricket on Aug 18, 2017 17:22:54 GMT
Aisling..i am so with u on that. In friendships I am very secure and have never had problems of feeling too sensitive with them or needy of their friendship and I am way more understanding with them if they do something to me.
I am actually trying now to ask myself would I be mad if a friend did this or would I take it so personally. And also before I let my emotions take over I ask myself what would I tell a friend in this situation. I don't allow myself to get emotionally highjacked as often anymore.
I mean obviously we are more sensitive because we share physical intimacy w them but that is not a binding contract that they then have to be our saviors.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 27, 2017 17:34:59 GMT
In a class that I recently took....we learned that addressing insecure attachments is to develop secure attachments to others.....basically finding people who are willing and glad to be with us while we are going through the emotions of anger, sadness, shame, disgust etc. (not just after, but actually while we are going through it). We can offer that to ourselves....but it is very important to find others who reflect being happy to be with us as well.
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