Help / Support required

Juniper - again, I get every bit of this, wow!
Yes!!! The birds singing!! - and the effects, the sadness, the despair, the loss and grief!!!
All of your words!!

I still have the sadness hearing the birds, although the effect has reduced hugely with processing and progression.
I remember hearing the birds when I was younger, going through the horrors, too - it's a bit like when an old song plays and reminds you of a lost love (except with terror and despair mixed in).

Thank you so much, again.

I am starting to come up for air, pulling myself back up through the earth. I'm not in the sunshine yet, but I can glimpse it.

Thank you deeply for your knowing hand in reaching out to help me.

I have learnt to pull myself out of the depth of despair much, much quicker - and it is much less frequent
(This deep trigger is linked to a really terrible / threatening experience about 2 years ago, when I was persuaded to briefly interact with the 'cult' again. I will not be persuaded again).

"This too shall pass".
"Forgive them, for they know not what they do".
Although, as 'nice' as I am, I actually feel white hot rage at them atm - this, I think, is the turn-point, when despair turns to anger.
I read somewhere that anger is better than depression, as it provides action. So I am actively turning those thoughts towards anger, just for now.
It will then turn to pity for them. that they have to live the way they do.
That is what I meant when I wrote somewhere in another post about learning to feel somewhat superior to those using narcissistic and destructive / harming ways towards me.
For now, this is the way I need to go - to come out of the dark.
Again, I'm a bit all over the place.

Love and gratitude juniper.
xxx

Hey WarriorGirl,
know this, also-
you know i'm not afraid any more.
i don't have fear like i used to, and i'm not even mad.
i've never seen a coward who could look square into my eyes and follow through.
cowards, all of them.
i don't even flinch and i'm not a big person but i'm powerful and i would be unstoppable turning terror back on terror to come between you and anyone who would hurt you.
i know you'd do the same for me.
it's not something everyone can understand but i know how to be the biggest person in the room and i can horrify horror and i would, for you.
i've been nose to nose with cowardly rage and come out unscathed and i'd step between that rage and you.
no one ever protected you and you're not weak, i'm sure of that.
you just got hijacked like i did.
there really is only so much a girl can take, so much a woman can take, so much a human can take before they freeze and that's not your fault.
it wasn't mine either.

i'm just saying, you know i'd be a wall for you, and you'd be a wall for me, and that's what you needed and didn't get.
shouldn't have even needed a wall, but it is what it is.
or what it WAS.

I'd go all in and shut that shit down with you, i really would.
That's what should have happened and go ahead and feel all that rage, it's appropriate

Walk through this however you need to for you, you have the microphone now and everybody better listen up because things have changed.

I get it.