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Post by DearLover on Jul 28, 2018 1:18:53 GMT
I am talking online with a new guy.
He is handsome, single parent like me, fun, intelligent, respectful and sweet. Good job. Everything I want. We matched really well on interests values, etc
He seems very secure, great friendship with his ex and her new partner and a fantastic dad, he has the custody.
He has been pursuing me but I am travelling right now and won't have a chance to see him until September (long time!) so I was being a bit aloof at the beginning but still showing enough interest. He was the one who started being vulnerable, telling me what he is doing during his day, his plans for the summer (I do it to a less extent or not at all) talking about the ex and how they get on together and how he copes being a single dad. So I reciprocated talking a bit about my daughter's dad and how we get on but are not as friendly as he is with his ex. I don't think I shared too much (who knows?), just wanted to be vulnerable and truthful.
After this I feel (or fear) he changed slightly. The conversations are back being light and general. Still cute and sweet but not personal and intimate. I told him I changed hair styles and he said he said he would love to see it. I changed my profile picture with the new hair and he said he loved it.
But now that I like him and had a glimpse of intimacy, my A~P craziness is kicking in:
_What if he doesn't want to keep taking but is being polite?
_What if he lost interest because I am not best friends with my ex?
_What if he didn't like my new hair and my new picture? What if he is now finding me un attractive?
_What if we manage to talk until September and he realises I am not for him? Will he think I am NOT ENOUGH? (beautiful enough, intelligent enough, successful enough, good mum enough...? How do I compare to his ex?
I am starting to play stupid games: I read his messages but wait a long time to respond to keep him in suspense. I spend a lot of time thinking about the response and end up not writing what I originally wanted...I am being short and scared of showing too much interest.
He gave me his phone number from the beginning and wanted to move the conversation outside the website. I said I would like to continue of the website but was happy to save his number and perhaps send him pics of my travels (not myself) he likes traveling and is curious about the country I am right now.
I know I am scared to get emotionally hooked and then get nowhere but I know this isn't a good approach. Especially he seems like an honest, open, well adjusted guy.
I think I will move on to some phone conversation and show some more interest but with balance and in a care free way (it even crossed my mind asking how much interest he has on me, imagine! We can't even go on a date right now!)
Any thoughts, really appreciated.
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Jul 28, 2018 8:05:43 GMT
You are just getting nervous because you like him. That's just being a human, nothing to do with attachment theory. Don't worry too much and be chill x he obvs likes you as he's showing interest to you.
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Post by DearLover on Jul 29, 2018 1:48:50 GMT
Thanks for your reply
He is writing long messages again, little details about what he has been doing and is planing to do, so sweet.. I let myself be more open and wrote a little more personal day to day stuff too. I will definitely move the conversation to phone messages but will try my best to not sit the whole day checking for his messages...it will actually be a good exercise.
One pf the keys to building a successful relationship is letting your heart be open, believing in what the other say instead of assuming they are lying. He said he liked my pic and my new hair style. Hopefully it wasn't my AP side freaking out thinking he was just being polite, but only normal nervousness of beginnings.
In any case, I have a few mantras to help me through life. One of them is:
* If not this, then better (meaning if something didn't work out is because something better for me is coming my way. Since I am striving to become my greatest version every new day, it makes a lot of sene.
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Post by goldilocks on Jul 29, 2018 16:20:43 GMT
You have not yet met this guy.
He might smell bad.
He might have a pic from the 90's.
He might be married.
He might be a criminal.
Why are you spending thoughts on wether or not he will validate you?
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Post by ocarina on Jul 29, 2018 16:21:38 GMT
Quick reality check - you've never met him. The exchange of messages online are a very very far cry from any kind of intimacy even though it often doesn't feel that way. I think you might be getting a little ahead of yourself. You are essentially being vulnerable with a stranger - vulnerability is about sharing with those who've won your trust.
Real relationships take time and investment. It's a good thing to remember - these things unfold naturally if given the chance. Too much too soon heightens expectation and leads to a fantasy relationship.
Good luck!
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Post by ocarina on Jul 29, 2018 16:22:16 GMT
You have not yet met this guy. He might smell bad. He might have a pic from the 90's. He might be married. He might be a criminal. Why are you spending thoughts on wether or not he will validate you? Took the words right out of my mouth! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2018 18:55:17 GMT
Thanks for your reply He is writing long messages again, little details about what he has been doing and is planing to do, so sweet.. I let myself be more open and wrote a little more personal day to day stuff too. I will definitely move the conversation to phone messages but will try my best to not sit the whole day checking for his messages...it will actually be a good exercise. One pf the keys to building a successful relationship is letting your heart be open, believing in what the other say instead of assuming they are lying. He said he liked my pic and my new hair style. Hopefully it wasn't my AP side freaking out thinking he was just being polite, but only normal nervousness of beginnings. In any case, I have a few mantras to help me through life. One of them is: * If not this, then better (meaning if something didn't work out is because something better for me is coming my way. Since I am striving to become my greatest version every new day, it makes a lot of sene. It's lovely to read you being happy, like broken biscuit said we all get those giddy nerves at the beginning of a new relationship. Someone get me a great bit of advice when I signed into a dating website. They told me to meet the person in the flesh ASAP as you can tend to build a cyber relationship up and it's often very different than the real thing. You need to know if there is going to be that spark between you. Look forward to updates And good on you.xx now wait a minute. this is internet chatting. it's not the beginning of a new relationship. all this is premature. we can warn our children about not assuming truth and intentions online- the same applies to adults. online dating is not dating it is an INTRODUCTION. Extensive communication ONLINE in this process builds illusions and fantasy. you have NO IDEA if he is appealing until you meet him face to face. This isn't about being paranoid. There is a middle ground between skeptical and gullible . between suspicion and trust. that middle ground is Suspended Jusgement Pending Pertinent information. Let the introduction be the introduction, but you don't know jack about him until you meet him in person. All that and a bag of chips can turn to nothing on first meet. Don't put yourself through this roller coaster ride of emotions , there's no need. |
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Jul 29, 2018 21:14:54 GMT
Yeah, be careful. This new guy might be me!
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Post by DearLover on Jul 29, 2018 21:34:12 GMT
Thank you all!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2018 23:54:38 GMT
the accelerated "intimacy" and need for validation make one a very recognizable and very appealing target, especially for a narcissist or other opportunistic type.
Actually, it isn't a dismissive i'd be worried about because we tend to keep the distance.
Someone who bridges the gap and reciprocates fast (false)intimacy is the one to look out for.
It's not hard to spot anxious preoccupied behavior even if you think you're playing it cool- there are subtle red flags for AP just like there are for any other type or dysfunction.
Insecurity really isn't hard to pick up on.
In my opinion, in addition to working on internal sources of insecurity, it's a good idea to have rules of engagement that can minimize reasons to ruminate, obsess, fantasize, etc. Minimizing pre-meet engagement helps this. The more premature hope builds with seemingly positive interactions that "check all the boxes" you have in mind for a potential mate, the more prematurely invested you will become, the more you will worry, the more you will hope, the more illusions you will have about someone you don't even know actually exists, and the more disappointed you will be if he is obviously not what he made himself out to be.
no way you should be bonding online sight unseen for a couple months before you meet.
i tricked a guy who was trying to trick me about his intentions -by making a fake profile and asking him for a tryst. He agreed. Busted. Game over, got my answer, cut him off.
Easy. took all of 15 minutes. the only reason i bothered is because i wondered if i could pull it off, and i did. just an experiment. he was embarrassed. lol.
im not saying every one is faking- not at all. but if it's that easy, be prudent. Also, lots of lonely people don't follow through, they live in fantasy also and having someone to chat with is all well and good until you have to show up.... typing is easy! and it can be done while drunk, in the living room with the wife, or from the van they live in , lol.
No man i ever met online looked like his pics in real life. They were all fatter. Every single one.
Much fatter. not kidding.
Give your attention to someone actually in front of you. Let them unfold over time in real life. Online is simple an introduction, not a dating and "getting to know you" platform. that's stuff that needs to happen in real life.
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Post by leavethelighton on Aug 1, 2018 0:08:33 GMT
Are there reasons you don't want to move on to phone calls? Maybe you're worried it could kill the fantasy?
IN any case, it sounds like you are aware that you are engaging in distancing behaviors, so maybe try to let yourself be more vulnerable by making different choices once you are aware you are engaging in those. For example, when you're waiting a long time to reply to keep him in suspense, maybe stop waiting so long.
Remind yourself that a relationship where you have to play by all sorts of rules, be careful, say this, don't say that, etc. etc., isn't going to be a healthy relationship.
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Post by DearLover on Aug 1, 2018 0:32:26 GMT
I am abroad, different time zone.
Right now he is travelling too, visiting family and so am I.
He suggested whatsapp messages from the beginning, gave me his number but I didn't want to do it since we can't set a date
But today I decided to go for it and shared a few pics of where I am (no people in it, just landscape), he shared more photos than I did, his family members and his son. It all looks the same as the website.
I am updating photos of me on holidays on the website so he can see it there, sending straight to him is too personal for me at the moment.
I am more chilled and checking out other men, starting new conversations so I don't get too attached. He is probably doing the same.
One thing that I learned in dating is to always let the men invest and reciprocate to the same extent, matching what he does, never more than what he does...
Lets see how it goes...
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