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Post by tnr9 on Jul 29, 2018 16:10:02 GMT
This morning I experienced profound sadness that was not tied to anything or anybody. It was just a taste of the deep pain that bubbles to the surface from time to time. How I wanted to distract myself with TV or Facebook or Yahoo or even this site. I also wanted to check in on B...look at when he was last online, look at his FB page.....because there is a part of me that still believes this will help to alleviate the pain. Instead, I sat with it, let streams of tears fall and recognize that this is part of the healing...to feel what is excruciating and unacceptable...to not judge myself for these feelings but just to stay present to them. They do, in time, pass. There is this line of thought that says emotional pain is weak...but I would counter to say that sitting with the pain that is universal to all of us..regardless of attachment style is a sign of strength. I wish you all well.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 31, 2018 20:23:03 GMT
This morning I experienced profound sadness that was not tied to anything or anybody. It was just a taste of the deep pain that bubbles to the surface from time to time. How I wanted to distract myself with TV or Facebook or Yahoo or even this site. I also wanted to check in on B...look at when he was last online, look at his FB page.....because there is a part of me that still believes this will help to alleviate the pain. Instead, I sat with it, let streams of tears fall and recognize that this is part of the healing...to feel what is excruciating and unacceptable...to not judge myself for these feelings but just to stay present to them. They do, in time, pass. There is this line of thought that says emotional pain is weak...but I would counter to say that sitting with the pain that is universal to all of us..regardless of attachment style is a sign of strength. I wish you all well. You are getting there my dear friend. This is such a leap in the right direction that I too need to take on board. How are you feeling today, are you started to be in less pain. Big hug X At this moment...I am enjoying a moment of peace and will claim it as such...but for 2.5 solid days I was tormented by a deluge of thoughts about B and another girl in the community. It was ugly....desperate....the thoughts would not stop and they built upon themselves like waves. I pieced together a story that was so vivid and so self abandoning that I felt hopeless. The worst part is, when I get to that point, I isolate....I pull inward and the rumination and stories just build. I am so very grateful to be at this mountaintop moment where I can see the ruminations for what they are and call them out as lies. Hoping to have more of these moments. |
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Jul 31, 2018 23:55:37 GMT
You are getting there my dear friend. This is such a leap in the right direction that I too need to take on board. How are you feeling today, are you started to be in less pain. Big hug X At this moment...I am enjoying a moment of peace and will claim it as such...but for 2.5 solid days I was tormented by a deluge of thoughts about B and another girl in the community. It was ugly....desperate....the thoughts would not stop and they built upon themselves like waves. I pieced together a story that was so vivid and so self abandoning that I felt hopeless. The worst part is, when I get to that point, I isolate....I pull inward and the rumination and stories just build. I am so very grateful to be at this mountaintop moment where I can see the ruminations for what they are and call them out as lies. Hoping to have more of these moments. Ah yes, the old fantasy scenarios we create in in our head during moments of grief ... Always the most negative ones we can imagine, that our ex is with someone better than us and forgotten about us already and they are happy and having a wonderful time with this new person while we sit at home alone crying and wanking in our sordid little grief holes. It's never an accurate reflection of the truth, just of what we feel inside ourselves at that moment. They are exactly what you say they are... Lies. Or even Fake News if you like. Let's get back to reality again and face the day. |
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 1, 2018 3:20:51 GMT
Thank you both...gosh this is tough...I am just grateful for the support.❤️ Onward with the healing.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 3, 2018 12:29:41 GMT
At this moment...I am enjoying a moment of peace and will claim it as such...but for 2.5 solid days I was tormented by a deluge of thoughts about B and another girl in the community. It was ugly....desperate....the thoughts would not stop and they built upon themselves like waves. I pieced together a story that was so vivid and so self abandoning that I felt hopeless. The worst part is, when I get to that point, I isolate....I pull inward and the rumination and stories just build. I am so very grateful to be at this mountaintop moment where I can see the ruminations for what they are and call them out as lies. Hoping to have more of these moments. Ah yes, the old fantasy scenarios we create in in our head during moments of grief ... Always the most negative ones we can imagine, that our ex is with someone better than us and forgotten about us already and they are happy and having a wonderful time with this new person while we sit at home alone crying and wanking in our sordid little grief holes. It's never an accurate reflection of the truth, just of what we feel inside ourselves at that moment. They are exactly what you say they are... Lies. Or even Fake News if you like. Let's get back to reality again and face the day. The last couple of days were fantastic with a 50,000 foot lens on everything. I was able to work and relax without any thoughts of B. However, yesterday he posted in the community page about a volunteer opportunity...and that was enough for my brain to go back into..he is doing so great..look at what I lost out on. But there is another couple of thoughts that tagged a long with that one...there is a comparison...he is doing great, thus I am not (totally emeshment there..trying to separate his life from mine..but owning I still have this..what does this say/mean about me automatic response) and there is this thought that I have so easily been replaced (same wonderful story of another girl who fully gets him and does not have AP and is chill, shares the same interests etc). So I am back in rumination and back to crying and it stinks because the last 2 days were amazing and I was able to see so clearly a path forward, which has now turned murky. And of course...I now feel the full weight of thinking how great he is and that just is not so helpful right now. So I get to sit in this again. |
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Post by jacobsladder on Aug 3, 2018 12:53:46 GMT
When we’re activated and still emotionally attached to the ex we are always looking for signs and creating scenarios where they find someone new that they like more than us. We look for signs, putting the pieces together that might not even all be there. Ruminating to the point of obsession. I get it, I’d do the same thing all the time. But take it from me, I would go back to only wondering if my ex had moved on in a heartbeat, than actually knowing for sure (which I personally do now) that they have. All those fears and comparisons become reality and you can’t help but self destruct internally. My point is, as hard as it is (and I know it’s very hard) try not to get caught up in the fantasy. Because that’s all it is, a fantasy. When that nightmare becomes real, there’s nothing worse. I hope that this doesn’t happen to you and you continue to heal and if one day it does, you have moved on enough to not be affected greatly. Our own negative fantasy can derail our healing so easily. But nothing turns your world upside down more than when that negative fantasy becomes reality. Take a moment to be thankful that it hasn’t and hopefully it gives you some relief.
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Post by brokenbiscuit on Aug 3, 2018 13:54:34 GMT
Well said JL, those thoughts are just that... A fantasy. Not a happy one of course. But a fantasy nonetheless. A fantasy based on our own fears, anxiety and inner turmoil.
Easier said than done, but the goal is to focus on OURSELVES and less on the fantasy scenarios we have created in our heads with our ex.
What are they doing now? Who are they with? Have they forgotten us already? Are they happy? Will they come back?
The answer to all of those questions can not be found in our imaginations, and the reality is even less important. Moving forward slowly one step at a time will push these negative thoughts further and further away in time. Some days we will relapse, and that's fine. We are human and we all make mistakes or some days don't feel too strong. It's alright. We just have a little cry, feel a little bit crap for a period of time however long that may be, then when that moment has passed (because ALL moments pass) we put our head up, look straight ahead, carry on again and keep on moving.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 4, 2018 2:42:03 GMT
I got a "check in" text earlier today. Just a simple "Are you ok?" And I froze....I still have not responded....it is an odd feeling to associate fear this way....I feel "conflicted" which seems incredibly foolish, but that is where I am. I will respond..but I want to get to the other side of this fear first.
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